Page 152 of Hate You Up Close

I should feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest since I confessed everything to my brother, but I feel emptierthan ever. I don’t think I could ever feel whole again without her. But I’m still so fucking scared of hurting her. I would never recover from the pain of truly losing her for good.

If I thought I was in love with Anna, then Roxanne is my fucking lifeline. The air in my lungs and the blood in my veins.

My eyes roam around my apartment from where I sit on the couch, taking in the absolute fucking mess. Afraid to face reality, I’ve been holed up in my apartment for seven days, drinking my sorrows away and staring at blank walls. I’ve barely been able to eat, sleep, or function as a normal human being.

Whiskey bottles and fast food bags litter every surface of my usually spotless condo. I’ve tried ordering a few meals through DoorDash, but I only get a few bites in before I throw up. My beard has grown out, looking like Everett’s. And my breath probably smells like ass since I’ve barely had the energy to shower or brush my teeth since Everett dropped me off at my condo.

He’s also checked on me every day, and each time, I lie through my teeth by telling him that I’m fine. I know he doesn't believe me though. Before we hang up, he reminds me to call Roxanne. He tells me that I would never forgive myself if I were to let her go.

I always end the call before I can tell him that he’s right.

I lower my gaze to my phone as my thumb hovers over the play button.

I don’t think I have the strength to listen to her voicemail, but more than anything, I need to hear her voice. It’s the only thing that will get me through the day.

As if my body has a mind of its own, my thumb taps the play button on Roxanne’s two-minute voicemail.

“Hey, Elliot.”

God, it’s so good to hear her voice.

“You’re not answering my calls or texts, so I thought leaving a voicemail would be the best way to reach you. First, I want to start off by saying that I can’t imagine what you have been going through for all these years. Losing someone you love at such a young age is extremely unfair. When I lost my dad, I was so angry. I wanted to blame someone…I wanted someone to be angry at…just anyone. I wanted there to be a reason that he was taken from me.

And unfortunately, I think that’s just how grief works. As humans, we’re always looking for a definite answer. We want an answer for death. We want to put the blame on somebody, even if that somebody is us. But as you know, that’s not always how death works. Sometimes, there is truly nobody to blame. Sometimes, we just lose the people that we love in the most tragic and painful ways.

But at the end of the day, do you know what I think? I think if we love them, they probably love us just as much. There’s a difference between living and simply surviving. And if we were to die first, we would want our loved ones to live. Not blame themselves or others. We would want them to live.

I didn’t know Anna, and even though I never will…If you loved her, I’m sure that she was a very special person. And I’m sure if you could speak with Anna today, she would want you to be happy. She would want you to live your life to the fullest because not everyone has that same opportunity.

It is a privilege to be alive. And it is a privilege to love.

And I love you so much, Elliot. I love you more than your mistakes. I love you more than all of your regrets. I love you, even though you refuse to love yourself.

And I will love you enough for the both of us.

My entire life, I’ve been searching for a place to call home. Little did I know that I wouldfind my home in you.

You’re my everything, Elliot. And I will never, ever, give up on you.

I’m going to be right here when you’re ready to talk. I love you, Elliot. So much. I want you to process everything in your own timing. What you shared with me and Everett…It’s devastating. And I truly believe that we don’t begin to come to terms with our trauma until we talk about. So I want you to take your time, but just promise that you’ll come back to me, okay?

I’m gonna go now before I start sobbing,”she chuckles as her voice turns gravelly.

“Goodbye, Elliot. I love you.”

A splash of water lands on my phone screen when I realize it’s coming from my eyes.

I used to never cry, and recently, I’ve cried more than I did when I was a kid.

“I love you, too,” I mutter into the vacant air.

I swipe up on my screen and navigate to my camera roll. I tap on a photo of Roxanne at the arcade and smile for the first time in days. Her emerald eyes are lit up with happiness, and her cheeks are flushed from a dirty joke I had just whispered into her ear.

Just looking at her makes me feel lighter. The storm clouds hanging over my head seem to part, letting in a sliver of light.

I always thought it was cheesy bullshit when people would say that you need to love yourself in order to love others. But I’m starting to realize that I’m the poster child for that slogan.

No matter how hard I try, I know that I can’t stay away from Roxanne for much longer. It would be impossible. She is my other half. My heart is embedded into her chest until the end of time.