Page 149 of Hate You Up Close

Everett gasps as he lowers his hands to his brother’s shoulders.

“What?” Everett exhales.

“There was a big party that night, which I’m sure you remember hearing about,” Elliot begins. “I begged you to let me take your truck, and like a good big brother, you let me drive it. You trusted me.”

Elliot inhales a shaky breath before continuing.

“I was dating Anna at the time, but we weren't public with our relationship yet. I don’t think I truly knew what love was at sixteen years old, but I thought I loved her. At the time, she was everything to me.”

Elliot pauses to wipe his wet cheeks.

Everett shakes his head slowly.

“I had no idea you dated her,” Everett whispers.

“Yeah,” Elliot nods. “We had been dating for a few months. I offered to drive her to the party, but she drove herself because she had a family dinner she had to be at before. When she got to the party, she drank a couple of my beers, hung out with me for a bit, and then completely disappeared. About an hour after Anna arrived, I found her in the bathroom making out with one of my friends. I was so fucking heartbroken. I was going to tell her that I loved her that night. After I found her, I immediately left the party and drove my drunk ass home. I was asleep for maybe an hour when I got the phone call that Anna decided to drive herself home, completely shitfaced. She ran a red light, and then it was all over for her. At the age of sixteen, she was dead on the side of the road. All because of me.”

Oh my God.

I cover my mouth with a shakey hand, trying to muffle my sobs.

A beat of silence passes as Everett gently squeezes Elliot’s shoulder.

“Elliot,” he croaks. “You can’t…You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“How can I not?” Elliot scoffs. “I was practically her boyfriend at the time. I was supposed to look out for her. But instead, I let her drive home after drinking the alcohol that I gave her. If I just would have stayed, she would be alive today.”

“Didn't you say you gave her beer?” Everett asks. “How much?”

Elliot’s brows knit together in thought.

“One…Maybe two,” he replies. “Some of my friends who rode with me brought liquor, but I only had a six-pack of beer. I drank over half of the pack, so at the very max, I probably gave her two.”

“I remember when the news broke, they said that Anna had over three times the legal alcohol limit in her blood at the time of the accident. There’s no way two beers did that to her, Elliot. You and I both know that she had to have more to drink after you left, probably hard liquor. I get that you feel guilty, anyone with a heart would. But you cannot blame yourself for her death.”

Elliot shakes his head, throwing Everett’s arms off his body.

“It doesn't matter how much I gave her, Everett,” Elliot shouts. “I let her leave!I should have made sure she got home safely. But instead, I left the girl who I thought I loved. I fucking left her to die.”

Everett shakes his head in disagreement.

“Are you hearing yourself right now?” Everett retorts. “You have every right to feel the pain of her death, but I’m not going to let you blame yourself any longer. You cannot blame yourself for the actions of other people, especially a teenager. You wereteenagers, Elliot. As sad as it is,Annais the one who decided to drink three times the legal limit.Sheis the one who decided to get in her car and drive home. It’s a fucking tragedy that she died, but you need to know that it wasn't your fault. Do not let yourself live with that burden any longer.”

Elliot runs his fingers through his hair before pulling on the short strands.

“Not only did I ruin her life,” Elliot rasps. “But I almostruined yours too. My own fucking brother. Everyone I love, I seem to fuck over. And I hate myself for it.”

Everett’s brows knit together in confusion.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Everett asks. “You have nothing to apologize to me for. I have a great life, Elliot.”

“How did you never put two and two together?” Elliot shakes his head before continuing. “The day after the party, you got pulled over for having a tail light out. Little did you know that me and my friend’s alcohol from the party was open and in your back seat. You got arrested and lost your fucking football scholarship, Everett. You fucking begged me for months to own up to what I did. To tell the cops that the alcohol was mine so you could clear your name. But I never could. I was so fucking scared that my secret would get out. Football was everything to you, Everett. You worked so fucking hard, and I took it from you all because I’m a selfish coward. I took everything from you to save my ass. I’m the worst fucking person on the planet. Like a ticking time bomb, I seem to destroy everything I touch.”

My heart shatters with each word that leaves Elliot’s lips. I had no idea he was living with so much baggage. I had no idea how much grief and pain he’s been carrying on his shoulders for so many years.

“That’s all in the past, Elliot,” Everett whispers. “That’s all in the past. I’ve moved on from it, and I want you to as well. My life turned out exactly how it was supposed to. I have a successful business, and I’m marrying the love of my life. I couldn't ask for anything more. So please, don’t ever bring that up again. I forgive you, Elliot. I forgave you a long time ago. And that’s all that matters, okay?”

A pained cry breaks from Elliot’s chest as another tear slips down his cheek.