Page 49 of Hate So Deep (Hate #4)

NOW

Lauren

True to their words, Colt and Finn were waiting when I came home.

I haven’t heard from Dirk since I confronted my mother and although I’m disappointed, I’m not surprised.

He made his point and now I have to swallow it, even if it chokes me all the way down.

With nothing but time on my hands, I’ve come to the realization that there will be no peace for me as long as I allow my mother to have control.

I deserve to know what happened that night and this is what propels me down the stairs and out the door while Celia and my dad are away from the house.

Of course, the mere thought of confronting my mom has me sweating the entire drive and I’m still clenching my teeth when I pull up to my house and stare at the spot where my mom’s car should be.

She’s not here but she will be eventually.

Am I ready to confront her? What do I have to lose?

Her sole focus has always been on Buck, which ultimately turned him into a little monster.

Now people are dead, and she’s still going to sit on her high horse and look down at me?

I don’t fucking think so.

Resolved, I step through the front door but as soon as I enter, I shiver at the chill.

Why isn’t the heat on?

The living room is empty, and I pass down the hall to her room, but I suspect she hasn’t been sleeping in here since she tore it apart.

“Mom?” I say, despite knowing she’s not here before I enter her room.

The aftermath of her tantrum still litters the floor and after checking the closet, I push open the bathroom but it’s equally empty.

Since the counters are cleaned to her OCD specifications, it’s easy to see the picture resting by the sink.

It’s a family photo from when we took a rare trip together. I was too young to remember but judging by Mom’s stern gaze, Dad’s frown and Buck’s mouth open on a scream, it wasn’t a fun time.

What was she thinking when she brought this here? Does it matter?

My mind swirls with questions that I’m not sure I want the answer to, so I push it aside for the mundane.

If I’m going to be staying at my dad and Celia’s permanently, then I need more clothes.

It’s clear I won’t be coming back because I can’t fathom the thought of ever looking at the woman who hated me from the start again.

After stopping off in the kitchen, I grab a bottle of water and step around the island, only to pause by the wall.

Resting beside the sink is a small dish that Mom used to put her jewelry in when she washed the dishes.

Her engagement ring catches the light when I pick it up and with a frown, I glance around.

Despite their separation, my mom still wore the damn thing. Why, I’m not sure but I knew better than to ask.

If the ring is here, then where is she?

With a shrug, I drop it back in the bowl before grabbing the small bag nestled beside it.

Once it’s in my hand, I hold it to the light, staring at the pills inside.

With the information I’ve gleaned about my big brother, I suspect it’s the drugs he had a habit of buying from that douche.

I searched for it on the internet, and it looks exactly the same as the date rape drug Caro asked Gage about.

Two years ago, I found something similar in my brother’s bag when I was snooping. Of course, he caught me, and I paid the painful price.

There’s no way the police would have missed this. Right?

So how did it end up here? Did my mom know about Buck's plan to frame me?

Did she care?

Biting back a weird chuckle, I approach the stairs.

Once again, I’d rather think about anything else but what’s rolling around in my head, so I’m going to pack a bigger bag before going home.

The better part of me wants to outreach Dirk but what can he do?

Not a damn thing and I’m not ready to share this latest revelation when I can’t truly process it myself.

I know what I have to do but I need a little time and selfishly, I’m going to take it.

I may be resolved but that doesn’t mean I’m not staggering under the weight of this newest revelation and at the top of the stairs, I grab the wall.

If I break down now, it will delay my departure and as it turns out, I don’t want to be home when my mom arrives.

I don’t ever want to see her again while simultaneously, I wonder what will happen to her if I go to the police with what I found.

What a complete mindfuck.

Halfway down the hall, I pause just past Buck’s room and close my eyes.

Did Mom hang something in Buck’s room?

Probably…the bitch has been doing strange shit since he was attacked and mostly, I avoided it to avoid her.

Still, a shudder rolls down my spine as I wipe my palms down my jeans and step back.

Absently, I note the pulse in my neck, pounding wildly while I stare down the hall.

Just keep going Lala. Get your shit and go.

I can’t move though and swallowing past the lump building in my throat, I spin on my heel.

Buck’s floor, surprisingly clean considering the police went through it, comes into view and from my peripheral, I spy something twisting in the air.

Black dots dance before my eyes as I raise my gaze. At first, I don’t understand what I’m seeing, and I laugh, although the broken sound assaults my ears.

Why would Mom hang a doll from the ceiling? That’s weird…even for her.

Tracing my gaze from the shoes, shiny loafers with a thick heel, I move up the tailored black pants and pause on the slim black belt.

No. Please…no.

Her once starched white shirt now wrinkled and deformed comes into view and bile surges up my throat as I stop on the strand of pearls, she wore every single fucking day since my grandfather gave them to her, forty some years ago.

I can’t bear to see her face but still, like a damn car crash, I raise my gaze.

Her eyes, those blue eyes stare at me with the same vacant expression as the last time I saw her and I touch my throat, taking in the thin cord wrapped around her once smooth, unblemished skin.

“Mom?” I whisper, which is stupid because she’s not going to answer me. She’s never going to speak to me again.

Stepping back, I turn to the wall before dropping my gaze to the floor, spying the same thin fucking cord currently wrapped around my mother’s neck rolled into a ball by the garbage can.

“Why?” I whisper, tearing at my hair. “Why couldn’t you just see me?”

I see that the bed Mom bought my brother finally came in handy—Buck hated it on sight—when she wrapped the cord around the frame, twirled it through the bed posts, and presumably stepped off the mattress to end her life.

What am I supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

The brutal burn of rage presses at my chest and I crawl from the room into the hall. Dropping to the floor, I curl into a ball as sobs bark from my throat unbidden.

I came here today to end this farce of a relationship, but it would seem she beat me to it.

As usual, the woman who controlled everything about our lives has directed the last act.

I’m fucking alone. She left me. She didn’t care enough about me to stay. None of them did.

If no one sees you, do you disappear?

It’s been twenty-four hours since my mother took her life and still, I can’t wrap my head around it.

The police told my dad that they think she’s been dead for several days. Perhaps since the night she told me to get a fucking lawyer and essentially grow up.

Was that an act of mercy or did the woman not want to be found until she was truly gone?

She had to know that I would find her.

Right?

With everything that’s happened, I still haven’t admitted to what I found and my suspicions, but I know I can’t outrun it forever.

Maybe it’s stupid to keep it secret but I’m only human and I need time to get through this blow before taking another.

Besides, the woman is dead, and I still can’t suppress the brutal press of guilt weighing on my chest.

Why would I care about my now dead mother’s reputation? Who the fuck knows but it’s clear I have a lot of therapy in my future.

The slam of a car door brings me around and I stagger toward the window. Although Celia checks in on me every freaking hour and my dad follows next, for the most part, I’ve been holed up in my room.

It’s hard to fully appreciate what I’ve lost because I’m not sure if I’m mourning her death or what could have been, either way, this shit stings.

It’s only as I gaze out the window at the scene down below…Cat standing in the yard with her mom, waving her hands as she tells some silly story while Celia laughs that I realize, I can’t be here.

Maybe with time but right now, I can’t breathe and the longer I feel this suffocating sensation in my chest, the more I claw at the skin, but nothing eases it.

Fucking nothing.

This is why, after refusing dinner, I wait until everyone is asleep before slipping from my room and tiptoeing down the stairs.

At the base, I glance around but all is quiet and I’m able to escape to my car without being noticed.

I don’t know if I’m even allowed to be at home but when I roll up, no one is there to stop me.

The interior is dark and with a shiver, I turn on the light before closing the door behind me.

If I thought, it was cold and fucking lonely before this is almost unbearable but at least I can breathe and I settle on the couch before pulling a blanket around my shoulders.

Perhaps it’s a sign of my insanity to sit in the very same home that my mother died in but clearly crazy runs in the family.

I’m not sure how long I’m here but when the twin beams of a pair of headlights wash across the room, my neck is stiff when I turn.

Who would bother to come here this late at night?

To my surprise, when I round the wall, I find Dirk entering through the front door. When he pauses in the entryway, I soak in his dangerous beauty before looking away.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“I just heard,” he says and stalks towards me with a sexy swagger.

“Heard what?” I say, gasping when he picks me up and drops onto the couch.

Grabbing my chin, he says, “I should have been here. I’m sorry.”

I’m starting to get whiplash from the shit he’s pulling, and I don’t know whether to be happy he’s here or enraged that he keeps leading me on.

Either way, I look away and swallow before summoning a wretched smile.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say but when he pulls me close, I close my eyes.

I needed this, for him to hold me. I’m so close to breaking and I don’t know how to hold on any longer.

“I’m so scared,” I whisper, and he hugs me tighter.

“I know, baby girl. I know,” he rasps, and I raise my head, meeting his dark gaze.

As usual, I can’t read his expression but the desire pressing into my core tells me all that I need to know and when I press my mouth to his, he opens on a feral growl that heats me from the inside out.

With Dirk, the numbness around my heart melts away and this is what I crave as I deepen the kiss and ride the ridge of his dick.

“Are you wet for me?” he growls after pulling away and I nod as he sets me gently on the couch before meeting my gaze.

“Show me.”

My core pulses when I see the dangerous light behind his eyes and after pushing my pants to my feet, I toss them off before spreading my legs.

His mouth quirks as he pulls his dick free and slowly slides inside. We rock together in a slow cadence that fills my soul before we come together, and I close my eyes.

He’s so beautiful in his need but I know the end is coming and I’m afraid that after everything, my soul will not survive this final blow.