Page 21 of Hate So Deep (Hate #4)

NOW

Lauren

We buried my brother today. The wind and sleet battered the ground while my parents stood before the casket, both dry eyed and stiff.

I don’t know whose decision it was but I’m grateful Celia and her brood chose to skip it. I can only imagine how that would have gone down with my mother.

Once the mourners are gone, I approach the casket and touch the cool surface with a shiver.

Intellectually I know that my brother no longer resides on this earth, but I still whisper, “I wish we could’ve been friends. I was hurting too, Buck. We were in this together.”

A gust of wind blows through, and I hunch into my coat as I glance to the right and spy my mom speaking to the minister.

When he touches her shoulder, she shrugs him off, and I turn back to the casket to say, “Why didn’t you let me in, brother? Maybe you wouldn’t be here now if you had.”

Of course, my questions go unanswered because my brother is gone and after a moment, I step back before making my way through the muddy grass to the road.

Except as the freezing rain lashes my face and I curl my palms into my pockets, I find the rented town car we came in pulling away from the curb.

Dad left fifteen minutes ago and my mom, well, she’s driving away probably without a backward glance.

Will the hits ever stop coming?

Helplessly, I turn to the only vehicle still here, prepared to ask for a ride even though my throat burns at the thought of admitting I was left behind.

Except that’s Dirk sitting behind the wheel.

Why is he here? I didn’t see him amongst the mourners, and I know he didn’t care about my brother.

So, what does this mean?

I guess it doesn’t matter because he’s the only one who didn’t leave while I said goodbye to my brother and with a silent sigh, I slip into the passenger seat of his truck before raising my hands to the vent blowing warm air into the cab.

I don’t dare look at Dirk because I’m afraid of what I might see in his eyes. Whether it’s sympathy or stone-cold nothingness, I can’t handle it and I look out the window instead.

As we pull away and follow the road back to the main intersection, I spy my dad sitting at the curb and turn away when I realize that Celia was here after all, even if she never left the car.

It’s quiet for a few minutes until we’re on the main road, and I ask, “Don’t you want to know where to go?”

“Nope,” he says, accelerating onto the freeway.

Since he’s heading in the right direction, I assume he’s not lying and ask, “How do you know where I live?”

His lips tilt into a sly grin and he says, “Followed you home a couple times.”

“Why?”

That easy smile fades and he glances at me before saying, “Had to make sure you stayed where you were told.”

“Of course,” I mutter. The jerk was always forcing me home when I wanted to go out and party.

Although I suspect now it was because he didn’t want me to cross paths with Colt, I convinced myself at the time that he was jealous of me hanging out with other guys.

Fuck, but I was a stupidly hopeless girl.

No more words are spoken all the way across town while I stare out the windshield at the fat flakes of snow fluttering against the glass and creating a haze across the scenery.

Of course, my eyes are immediately drawn to the unmarked police cruiser parked in front of the door when we pull up to the house and I mentally wince.

Why are they here and today of all days?

While Dirk parks behind the cruiser, I ring my hands in my lap, only to snap out of my daze when he says, “You gonna be, okay?”

“Sure,” I mumble through numb lips before opening the door.

“Lauren?”

“Yeah?”

Looking back, I meet his dark gaze while he searches my features before he shakes his head and says, “What’s the last thing you remember?”

He doesn’t have to say it for me to know that he’s speaking of that night. Perhaps seeing the cop car in the drive inspired the question, I don’t know but as I turn away, I mumble, “You.”

The sad pathetic truth is, he’s always the last thing I remember, and I wish I could erase that from my memory when I push through the door of my home.

Dirk

Although I’m not fucking surprised, I am enraged that both her parents left her while she said her peace with her brother.

Do either of them think about anything else but their rotten fucking selves?

Not for the first time, I wish Celia would get a clue and leave that asshole, but I don’t think that would solve the problem.

Just like me, Colt, Cat and even Lauren are stuck with their father for-fucking-ever and nothing can change that, not even time.

I don’t know what inspired me to drive across the city during rush hour traffic to attend a funeral, especially when I didn’t fucking like Buck and can’t be sorry that he’s gone but I know if I analyze it too closely, it will all come back to Lauren and the lost look that I hate to see in her eyes.

Is she broken up over Buck’s death? Was he a better human being to her than the rest of the world?

Who knows? I sure as shit don’t because to my shame, I realize I never asked.

All I really know about Lauren beyond that she shares a shitty dad with my best friend is that she lives in a posh house that my father would kill to own.

I know her mother is a stone-cold bitch, her father an asshole and her brother a fucking psycho but that’s it.

Lauren may be a free spirit and a spunky girl who goes her own way but what else drives her? The need to belong?

Hatred for the trappings of wealth that suck your soul from your body and leave you a monster always slavering for more?

It’s clear that her mother doesn’t care for her but is that because she’s grieving or something new.

Lauren implied it’s a long-standing thing but what does it mean that she was forced to pay for her own pedicures?

In my world, that’s a fucking reality, which means, as usual she sounds like a spoiled fucking princess.

Still, I know there’s more that beats below her skin and while the stupid, selfish part of me yearns to understand, the sensible asshole knows it doesn't matter.

With a sigh, I leave her home, eyeing the police cruiser with unease. Rather than being resigned to another discussion about her brother or even hopeful for news, Lauren seemed uneasy about their presence.

Why? What is she not saying?

Fuck me, I wish I hadn’t pushed her away because now she may be hiding shit that I need to know.