Page 31 of Hate So Deep (Hate #4)

NOW

Dirk

There were times in the past when standing within these four walls made my skin crawl. It’s no different now as I pass the faded blue couch I used to hide behind when I was a child.

The hardwood floors still creak under my boots as I ascend the stairs. The hole in the wall, put there by a weak man with a diabolical mind, remains at the top just beyond the railing.

The door to my room is closed and I ease my way inside before closing it behind me.

It would seem that no one has been here since I left, which is good for me because it’s easy to find what I’m looking for.

After grabbing an old ratty backpack from the closet, I shove a few shirts and a jacket inside before opening the bottom drawer of my dresser.

This is where I stashed all the things I thought to be valuable over the years.

Rummaging through the shit, I pass over an old key to the first piece of shit car I ever owned, a marble I found when I was a stupid kid and presented to my mom with a proud smile.

Underneath the random coins, a pocketknife and a picture of my mom that I set aside, I find the small box I’m looking for.

Within is the purple heart awarded to my grandfather for his bravery overseas when he saved three of his fellow soldiers but stepped on a mine for his efforts.

Although he lived to tell the tale, per my mom, he was never the same after.

My memories of the man were less than poetic. He may have been a hero, but he was also an asshole.

However, when he gave me this damn medal, he said: A man does what he has to do, Dirk. You understand?

At the time, I didn’t but over the years, I’ve come to see what he meant. It may not always be the right decision but if it has to be done, it’s up to me to do it.

Beneath the faux velvet layer the medal is laying on, I remove what I came here for and stuff the key in my pocket before moving further down the hall.

Although I came back for Colt and Finn, I can’t leave without seeing my brother.

Of course, when I find the little shit is in his room, he’s studying and I pause at the door, eyeing his furrowed brows as he turns the page in his textbook.

I was two years old when he came along but even then, I knew this was more a burden than a gift, of which I’m sure our mother shared the sentiment.

After all, she spent more time crying in her room during her pregnancy than celebrating the new life she was about to bring into the world.

Despite the situation he was thrust into though, he’s always been a good kid, quiet and introspective, soft-spoken and polite.

Perhaps it was the final fuck you to the man who ruined everything or maybe he sensed from the womb the shit storm coming his way.

So yeah, somehow, he remained true, while with every day that passed, I slid further into the abyss.

It’s a small victory but one I claim with pride because our father hated his softness while nurturing my darkness and, in the end, he lost on both fronts.

My brother doesn’t remember our parents together and therefore he couldn’t possibly understand the circumstances that led us here.

I could explain but what’s the point?

He’s created his narrative and it’s not up to me to inform him of who the villain should be. He wouldn’t believe me, anyway.

Take care of your brother, Dirkie, will you?

We couldn’t be more different and yet Cory is one of the few people on this earth that I would lay down my life for. That’s not only a brotherly bond but a promise I made twelve years ago when our mother walked out that door and never came back.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, and I rock back on my heels.

This is where things get tricky. Maybe it’s stupid but my brother has two more years under this roof and if I can make it easier on him, that’s what I will do.

It’s the only promise I’ve ever made and been able to keep. I refuse to break it now.

“Colt and Finn are getting hitched,” I finally say, and Cory closes the book between his hands with an audible snap.

It’s the perfect cover. I had no intention of returning until I learned about my father’s newest fucking scheme.

I’m not sure even Colt’s wedding could have pulled me back here, which is fucked up but true.

Colt would have understood. He’s the one who gave me purpose and maybe it wasn’t in the best way forward, but it pulled me from the pitch-black place I was in, which is why I would do almost anything for the fucker.

While I am glad that I can show my support on one of the most important days of his life, I wish I had told him to fuck off and kept heading in the direction I was going though.

It’s too late now. I’m here until this mess gets resolved.

“Colt’s getting hitched?” Cory says, his mouth curling.

Snorting, I say, “Yep. Fucker’s a goner.”

Sliding off the bed, he crosses his arms while he eyes me silently before finally saying, “Thought you said you were never coming back.”

He’s a smart-ass little fucker, I’ll give him that, but I’ve had years to cultivate my lies while he’s just a second-rate student, piggy backing off my success.

“I wasn’t. Changed my mind,” I mutter, and he looks away, his jaw ticking.

I understand his resentment but there’s fuck all I can do about it. There are sides of my life that no one needs to know, least of all my baby brother, even if he is becoming a man.

“Of course,” he says with a bitter chuckle, and I rock back on my heels.

“What do you want me to say, Cory?” I say, slashing my hand through the air. “I can’t stand it here. I can’t do this anymore.”

There’s nothing left for me here, but it would be cruel to say that out loud. I love my brother and leaving is the only gift I can truly give him.

“Are you going to her?” he asks, and I shake my head.

Cory has never been able to forgive our mom for leaving. He's hurt. I get it but we're fucking stuck in this cycle until one of us breaks the chain.

Although I’m not holding out hope, getting away from this mess is the first step in that direction.

“I haven’t spoken to her in a while,” I say and his eyes narrow.

It’s true. The last time I saw our mom was the night my father betrayed me and all I could think was to find the woman who used to be my shield.

I don’t know what I hoped to gain by driving three hours north but as soon as I rolled up and saw her standing on the porch of her new home, with her new family, I knew it was a mistake.

After all, if your own parents were willing to give up on you, why would anyone else ever consider the sacrifice?

“You promised,” Cory mutters and I stiffen, curling my hands into fists.

I’ve stayed all these years for him not because I wanted to be here but to take the blows so he wouldn’t have to.

I’m the one who learned the game, ensuring he was always protected from the plays.

To throw that it in my face now, is obscene, which is why I bark, “I didn’t promise anything, Cory but I did what I had to do and now, I’m fucking out.”

The light behind his eyes dims and I look away, locking my jaw. This isn’t my fight anymore but that doesn’t mean I’m not battling the mother of all guilt.

However, Cory is old enough, strong enough to fight his own battles now.

“Fine, Duckie, just fucking go. We don’t need your bullshit anyway,” he says.

My heart clenches at the nickname that I haven’t heard in fucking forever. This is what Cory called me when he couldn’t pronounce Dirk.

However, I push that shit aside because I don’t need manipulation tactics from a snot nosed kid who wouldn’t be here lecturing me, if it weren’t for me.

“Yeah, whatever, kid,” I mutter. “I’m out.”

Spinning to the door, I’m just passing the threshold when he says, “Just because Dad’s a dick doesn’t mean he’s always wrong, ya know?”

Are you fucking kidding me?

“Really?” I bark. “You don’t know shit.”

If this were anyone else, they’d be on the floor already, but I vowed a long ass time ago to never lay hands on my brother. It’s not always an easy promise to carry through especially now when the fucker thinks he knows everything about fucking anything.

“Maybe I don’t,” he says, “but someday, Dirk, you're gonna wake up and realize, wherever the fuck you are, you’re still you.”

What? Now he’s a fucking philosopher?

Rolling my eyes to the ceiling, I summon a nasty smirk as I drawl, “Like I said, bro. You don’t know shit. It’s about time you grow the fuck up. Don’t you think?”

“Fuck you, Dirk. Newsflash, bro, beating up anyone who doesn’t lick your ass doesn’t make you a fucking hero.”

Hero, my ass. Fucker.

I’m halfway down the stairs and considering creating a new hole in the wall next to our asshole father’s when Cory says behind me, “Fucking coward.”

I’m tempted to lash out again but to what end? It’s true.

I never set out to be anyone’s fucking hero and the one time I fell into the trap of thinking I could actually save someone, I ate up the lies fed to me like they were candy only to rot from within in the end.