Page 23 of Forever My Siren Luna
“No thank you,” I groaned. “Feel free to play house with him yourself. I really don’t have that desire.”
“How interesting," he murmured quietly. "Aren’t you a saint,” Beretta mused, looking at me curiously. “Has any man ever gotten your knickers moist?”
“Gross,” I threw a rock at her feet, trying to get on the new boots. The laces were difficult to cross around the hooks just right.
“Not even your hunky looking mate?”
My cheeks instantly begin to heat, and even Val stirs. My mind starts recalling all the times Lachlan and I were intimate in any way. All the kisses and him holding me while I slept. The evenings we would spend in his mother’s garden and the nights where he and Killian would take care of brushing my hair for me after I got ready for bed. There were times we went swimming, and he would just hold me in the water. Being wet and with so little fabric between us, it made my mind wander to elicit thoughts back then.
He would always stay close to me in the water, like he was scared I would swim away if he wasn’t close by. I know now why that is.
Still, those moments with my mate, even though the time we were happy together was so much shorter compared to our first life, it felt so real. I really thought he loved me.
Maybe he did. Maybe he still does. The cards are finally all out on the table, but that doesn’t change what has already happened. It seems like the only reason he wanted me at all was because of the mate bond.
He took his pack to war for me, though. He killed my uncle to bring me back. He didn’t even know the crimes my uncle committed against me.
If he just didn’t have to bring up the betrayal pains he felt…..it would make thinking about all this so much less painful.
I loved him. I truly, deeply did. I can’t deny that after seeing him again. That’s why it hurts so much. I would have given him all of me….
“It’s too late for that now,” I whispered, my emotions clogging my throat so my voice sounded rough.
“Lass,” Cherum dropped down in front of me, taking my hands from my laces and then nudging his hand under my chin to get me to look at him. “He loves you. Don’t say it’s too late.”
I bit my lip, fighting back the heat building behind my eyes. Val got most of our aggression out while fighting Beretta, leaving us with mostly sorrow and despair from everything that has happened and was said earlier. If it was anyone else but Cherum that followed us out, I wouldn’t like feeling this vulnerable. I’d probably lash out and let Val take over, like I did with Lachlan earlier. I can’t lash out at Cherum that easily, though. He is still my Delta. My ultimate protector. I feel safe with him, even now. I know I can physically handle myself, but I also know emotionally I can still be a mess, and I trust Cherum to help me through that mess right now.
“There is too much damage there,” I whisper, welcoming some of the calm he is trying to pour into me. “When I thought he was someone different, it was easy to consider that kind of life with him. I didn’t know he was the same man as before. Now….” I shook my head.
“Ela,” Cherum took my hands. “He is not the same man as before. I can promise you that.”
“How?” I said hoarsely. “How can you possibly promise something you have no memories of. You don’t know how cruel he was. You don’t know what miseries I had to live with every single day. Do you know how I found this secluded spot up the river?”
I stared at him, waiting for him to hesitantly shake his head.
“I used to have to hike all the way up here once a week to wash my own laundry. All of it. Rain or shine; hot or snowing, I would have to hike all the way from the packhouse to this spot to wash all my own bedding and clothing. Look at these rocks.” I pointed at the jagged surfaces. “I had no real footwear, just ratty hand-me-down slippers, so my feet would be cut up and bloody after every trip. It was my only option if I wanted clean linens and clothes.”
He looked appalled, looking over the treeline at the castle, at the rocky path, then back at me.
“That was the least of my problems, though. Besides the constant betrayal pains, I was also forced to be alone all the time. Mimi was even taken from me by illness after a year. She was my only advocate for human decency in my first life. After she died, I was completely heartbroken. I had to mourn her loss by myself, then was completely shunned by the staff and omegas on your Alpha’s orders. I rarely ate. I could get scraps from the kitchen if any were left after the staff ate. I was left in that horrid tower room with no firewood or even a decent blanket. My life was hell up until my 20th birthday. He simply told me on that morning he was annulling our marriage, left the papers with me to sign, then told me to get out by sundown.
“That’s just what I did. I waited until the moment my magic came to me so he could feel it, then rejected him, leaving just as he asked. I didn’t know he wouldn’t accept the rejection. Who would think he wouldn’t after the hell he put me through. Now, to find out that that was the same man who treated me so tenderly, like he might actually love me, but was the one who completely hated me in my first life?” I shake my head. “It just feels like a lie. He just wanted his fated mate. He never wanted me.”
Cherum is quiet for a moment, letting me get my breathing under control after my outburst and angry tirade. Beretta is even silent, looking at me with understanding. Not pity, but true empathy.
“That’s not true, Ela,” Cherum grabs my face, wiping my tears from my face. I hated that I was crying again, but Cherum’s comfort just brought it out of me. “People can change. He is not that same man anymore. He did unspeakable things, I know, but if he was still that person, he would be doing the same things now. He hasn’t done anything remotely not in favor of you since the day of your wedding. Even your feud that first breakfast here was because he was scared of losing you. Every thought he has seems to be about you. I know he loves you. And….” he hesitates, then added, “You wouldn’t be crying like this if you didn’t still love him too.”
I can’t even deny it. I do love him. “But I don’t want to,” I admitted.
“I know, sweetheart,” Cherum tries to bring me to his lap to hug me against him, but Val pushes forward and growls at his attempt, not liking me being babied. He chuckles deeply. “Down, girl. Easy, Val. I know you can kick my arse ten ways to Tuesday. I saw it with my own eyes. I am still your Delta. I still want to comfort your human when I can.”
Val settled back into my mind with a huff, but let him hug me. He sat on the sharp rocks, wincing a bit, but didn't complain. He just put me on his lap and hugged me against him. He held me with my head tucked under his chin, his soothing aura washing over me.
“I hate that you went through all that,” he murmured. “I hate that you were alone. Was I not there at all in your first life?”
I shook my head. He was there, but he didn’t acknowledge me. None of them did. I was shunned by everyone.
“What was I doing?”