Page 151 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 10

"Damn it, Penny." I pulled her against my chest and kissed her. Don’t make me say it, baby.

I was angry. I was tormented. And the kiss was fucking hot.

God, I loved when she was mad at me. My hands slid to the small of her back.

I needed to touch her. I needed to know that we were going to be okay.

I pushed her shirt up slightly so that my palm was against her skin.

"Stop." She pushed on my chest. "Stop using sex as a weapon."

"I don't..." I looked down at her face. She was already looking at me like I was a monster. I released her from my grip and took a step back from her. "I didn't realize I was doing that."

"Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"

"I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college.

I told you that I've had sex with dozens of women.

I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life.

Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality.

Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it.

I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that. "

Rain dripped from her eyelashes as she stared at me. And she didn’t say a word. Not one fucking word.

"I'm an addict, Penny." And as soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. Just saying it out loud made me feel weak.

For a second, she just looked confused. But then something shifted. I saw it. That recognition crossing her face. That she understood what this really was. That she was my drug.

But I didn’t want that to be true. I loved her. I loved her so damn much. And I didn’t want that to be twisted into something sinister. Couldn’t this one thing in my life be good? Just this one thing? "Penny? Say something."

"All this talk about forever..."

"I mean it."

"But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?"

"No." I lowered my eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to you.” This time I believed the words.

Yes, I felt desperate. Like I might lose her.

But it was more than that. My chest ached at the thought.

This was more than addiction. And maybe it was a little twisted.

But this was love too. “It's different with you, it's not the same. "

"How do you know?"

I took a deep breath. "I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I'm happy now."

"Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?"

"It was my decision to come here."

"Because you walked in on Isabella..."

"Yes. But I came here for me . I'm living the way I want to live. I'm not answering to anyone else. I don't need an escape anymore." I just need you.

"Isabella said you needed to get help."

"I've gotten help."

"So you're not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or...sex anymore?"

"No. I haven't been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn't mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself."

"So you chose to do them? That doesn't make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices..."

"I couldn't stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved on to the next." My words hung in the air.

She stared at me exactly how I’d been afraid she would. Like she thought I’d easily move on to someone else after her. And that wasn’t fucking true. The more I talked about this, the more I realized how different it was with her.

"Don't look at me like that,” I said. “I'm not addicted to you. I'm not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny." Need. Fuck, I knew how that sounded. Every word out of my mouth had a double meaning. "Penny, I've made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid."

"You're still young."

"Okay. But I'm not stupid anymore." Well, sometimes. I forced smile. But none of this was funny.

"Addicts are like...it's not something that goes away, is it?"

"No, it's not."

"So, how do you control it?"

My eyes searched hers. It was like I could already feel her pulling back.

The age gap between us really did feel larger than before.

I was piling all this crap on her when all she should be worried about was her next Stat test. But I did have control over this.

At least when we were together. I’d slipped when we were on a break.

But I could control it. I was taking steps, anyway. "My therapist helps me with that."

"You have a therapist?"

"I do." I stared at her for a moment. "He doesn't think I'm addicted to you either." Maybe she’d believe Dr. Clark more easily than she’d believe me. But I had a hard time believing Dr. Clark sometimes too.

"You talk about me?"

"Yes."

"He knows that you're dating a student?"

"Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he's glad that I ignored his advice though."

"Why?"

"I'm happier when we're together. Everyone can see that." Can’t you, Penny? It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so distant from her. I didn't like that feeling. It made my chest feel tight. Breathe. The last thing I needed to add to this conversation was a panic attack.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" she asked.

"Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn't want that to change." That was the whole truth.

"I don't think any differently of you."

Her words should have been comforting, but it looked like she was going to burst into tears. Not because she was upset for herself. Because she was upset for me.

I swallowed hard. "You do. You're looking at me right now like I'm weak."

"I don't think that you're weak. You're incredibly strong for overcoming something like that."

But I hadn’t overcome it. That was the whole point. I’d have to carry around this shit forever.

I shoved my hands in my pockets. We were both completely drenched. And the distance between us was unbearable. "I don't want you to leave me," I said slowly. "But if this is too much..."

"No. James." She closed the distance between us and I’d never been more relieved. "I'll never let you go."

Her words made the tightness in my chest ease. "I'm not addicted to you."

"You keep saying that. And all I can think about is how rude it sounds." She smiled at me.

"I don't understand how you can keep choosing me. I'm..."

"Perfect.”

That was definitely not what I was going to say.

“Everything that you've been through has made you who you are. And I love the man I see in front of me. I love you so much."

It started raining harder. And I remembered what Penny had told me about the rain.

That it reminded her of me. And it felt like some kind of sign.

I’d shown her the darkest side of me and she wasn’t running away screaming.

She was standing by me. And we really should have been celebrating today.

I’d been waiting over a year for Isabella to sign the papers.

And I’d been waiting a lifetime to feel free from all of that.

"I'm divorced." I almost had to yell it over the rain.

"I know." Whatever I’d seen cross her face after learning about my addiction was gone. She was staring up at me with stars in her eyes again.

And if she was still here, we were all in. "No more of this waiting nonsense?"

"No. My heart is yours."

I smiled. I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard anything sweeter. "I'm divorced!" I picked her up and twirled her around.

Penny’s laughter was infectious.

I set her back down on her feet. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

She rubbed her palm against the scruff on my cheek. "You're all mine."

"All yours, Miss Taylor." I turned my head and kissed her palm. And I’d stay clean for her. I would.