Page 123 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 10

“You’ve seen this all first hand before. The path you’re going down is destructive.”

“I have control over it this time.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.” Not really.

“Okay. I believe you.”

It didn’t really sound like he believed me. I was pretty sure he was just pissed about me getting shitfaced and firing him. “So about Penny…”

“I’m not going to give you an answer, James. You have to find that within yourself. But do you know what I think will help?”

“What?” I was desperate. I just wanted to know I was making the right choice.

“Write Penny a letter. Tell her everything you’re feeling.

Everything you wish you could say to her.

Sometimes it’s easier to express yourself in the written word.

And then once you write it, you can either send the letter…

or you can throw it out and never think about it again.

It’ll bring you some semblance of closure, whatever you decide. ”

That sounded as dumb as yoga.

“Just try it,” he said. “Now what else is bothering you? Ellen told me you were in a good mood, went to New York, and returned rather ornery.”

“How much do you and Ellen talk?”

“I think the important question here is what happened in New York?”

No, the important question was that my housekeeper was talking to my therapist about me. Didn’t that cross some kind of ethical line?

“James, answer the question.”

This seemed like a good practice run for how the conversation with Penny would go.

The way it had to go. “I slept with Isabella.” Just saying the lie out loud made me feel sick to my stomach.

God I hope it’s a lie. But it didn’t matter what the truth was if I couldn’t remember it.

I’d woken up naked in Isabella’s bed. And I couldn’t explain that.

I couldn’t. Isabella’s words echoed around in my head.

Rape. Yeah, I was definitely going to be sick. Breathe.

He raised his eyebrows. “You slept with Isabella?”

I stared at the expression on his face. It was about what I expected.

“Yup,” I said. I’d had a drink when I shouldn’t have.

Yes, Isabella had slipped something into it.

But it was a hell of a lot easier coping with this if it was partially my fault.

I was used to fucking up every good thing in my life.

“Why?” It was the most normal he’d ever sounded. Like he just genuinely wanted to know. For his own sake. I’d perplexed him.

“I…don’t know. I was depressed.” More lies. I’d been hopeful that night. So hopeful that I could be worthy of Penny. Until it all came crashing down.

Dr. Clark wrote more down in his notebook. “And after you slept with Isabella? Did you feel better?”

“No. I regretted it.” If it had happened…I fucking hated myself for it. But I hoped it wasn’t true. I hoped I wouldn’t do that. I still hoped I hadn’t. At least all my STD tests had come back negative.

“Do you still have feelings for Isabella?”

“No. We’ve been over this…”

“And yet you slept with her?”

I gritted my teeth together. I don’t fucking know! “Yup.”

“It really feels like you’re holding something back here. Do you care to elaborate on your feelings over this matter?”

“No.” Breathe. He wouldn’t believe me. Just like Penny wouldn’t believe me.

“One word responses don’t help either of us, James.”

“It was a mistake. End of story.”

He didn’t shake his head, or nod. He just stared back at me, waiting for me to elaborate.

But I had nothing else to say. So I just stared back at him.

“Well…” Dr. Clark’s voice trailed off. He was finally at a loss for words. “How did it feel to be back in New York after so many months away?”

I pictured the portrait of the Pruitt family hanging in the dining room. “It felt suffocating.”

“How so?”

“Like I was being judged.”

“By whom?”

I ran my fingers along the arm of the chair.

“Your friend who passed away in high school? She was Isabella’s sister, right?”

I seriously never should have told him about her. I don’t know why I’d come here. Dr. Clark was annoying.

He skipped through a few pages of his notebook. “You’ve never mentioned her name to me. Why is that?”

I’d made a pact in high school with my friends.

That we’d never speak about her. Being here with Dr. Clark was breaking that promise.

But I’d never mentioned her name. Not just because of the promise though.

It was hard for me to talk about her. I hadn’t said her name out loud in years.

Not since the last time I tried to talk to Matt. Before I was sober.

“What was her name, James?”

I cleared my throat. “Lyn.” That wasn’t her name. Just a piece of it. But if he was going to make me talk about this, a fake name would be easier. It made it feel like less of a betrayal to my friends.

“You said Lyn was originally from Delaware. It’s rather curious that you ended up here of all places when you wanted to leave the city. Isn’t it?”

“Are you asking me if it was a coincidence?”

“I’m just wondering if you wanted to teach in Delaware because of her.”

“Lyn said something to me once.” I thought the fake name would help, but it still stung.

I could still see her tearstained face as I’d held her close.

I cleared my throat. “She saw firsthand how much I struggled in high school. And she said something about how people here were nicer than the people in the city.” People like me.

I hadn’t been nice to her when I first met her.

She made me want to be better. Be different.

“Whenever we talk about Lyn, you’re adamant that you didn’t love her. Are you sure about that?”

I’d just been thinking about how different my life would have been if she’d lived. But it was all ridiculous. Because she was dead. And she’d been dating one of my best friends. She’d never belonged to me. “We never would have ended up together.”

“That definitely was not my question.”

“I don’t see the point of this conversation. I want your advice about Penny.”

“Do you think Penny reminds you of her?”

I swallowed hard. “I…” I hadn’t really thought of that before.

I closed my eyes and pictured Lyn’s blonde hair blowing across her face in the autumn breeze.

Forever frozen at 16. She was a breath of fresh air.

She made it easier to breathe. Just the way Penny did.

“They were both sweet.” They both made me want to be a better man.

“You’re referring to Penny in the past tense, James. Lyn is gone. But Penny is very much alive. And you can still pursue her if you want to. You just have to make the choice for yourself.”

“But if I make it for myself it’s selfish.”

“Not if you’re planning on being the best version of yourself for her.”

“You mean sober.”

“Yes. I also mean being honest with her. Because alas, we’ve finally come to the root of the problem. You’re worried about what happens when you tell Penny that you slept with Isabella?”

“She won’t take me back.” Why couldn’t I remember what happened that night? I felt cursed. Like I wasn’t supposed to remember for a reason. Like I was supposed to be miserable.

I’m sick. I’m twisted. I’m fucked up in the head. I deserve to be alone.

“And there’s the truth,” Dr. Clark said.

“What?”

Dr. Clark was good, but he wasn’t a mind reader. He wasn’t agreeing with the mantra running through my head. “You’re not really worried about whether or not you’re a suitable match for Penny. You’re worried that she’ll reject you.”

“I’m not scared of rejection. If I was scared of rejection I never could have started a billion dollar tech company.”

“Do you want to know what I think, James?”

“That’s why I’m paying you.”

“That is not what you’re paying me for. But we’ll circle back to that another time.

I think you did care deeply for Lyn. I think you cared about your ex Rachel as well.

I think you even cared enough about your wedding vows to Isabella that you remained loyal despite the lack of connection.

But you didn’t love any of those women. You love Penny.

You’ve told me as much. And you’re scared she’ll reject you. ”

“She should reject me.”

“You said making the choice to speak to her again is selfish on your part. But you’re only one part of this relationship.

She’s allowed to make her own decisions too.

So write the letter. Tell her the truth.

Tell her how you feel. And once it’s done, take a good look in the mirror and decide if you want to give it to her or throw it out. But just write the letter, James.”