Page 132 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 10

Saturday

Penny was never going to forgive me. I didn’t even forgive me. I didn’t want it to be true, but I couldn’t change what had happened. Or hadn’t happened. Fuck.

I cleared my throat. The only move I had was to at least cushion the blow. “I have a present for you."

She sat up. "So you did remember my birthday?"

"I told you I remembered." I forced a smile onto my face. But it felt more like a grimace. I turned away so she couldn’t see my face, and walked out of the kitchen. When I reached my office I took a deep breath.

How was I going to explain what happened? I pictured Dr. Clark’s face when I told him that I’d slept with Isabella. He was just…confused.

Penny would be confused too. And angry. And hurt.

I looked out the window at Main Street below. Why couldn’t I remember? How had I let this happen? Isabella’s words echoed around in my head. Rape. I raked my fingers through my hair. Just thinking about it made me feel out of control. And when I felt out of control…I slipped.

Breathe.

I wanted to believe that nothing happened, but I’d never know. All I had was a blank memory. But Isabella has her version of events. And she’d tell them to Penny no matter what I said. If there was one thing I believed, it was a threat made by Isabella.

Breathe.

Penny slept with Tyler. She’d have to understand. She had to. But she thought we’d broken up. Me on the other hand? I knew better. And it didn’t matter that I didn’t mean for it to happen. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want it.

Breathe.

My heart was beating funny in my chest. Penny was the best person to calm me down. All I wanted was to curl up with her in bed and sleep the rest of the day away.

But if I didn’t get this off my chest now, I knew I never would.

I grabbed the envelope off my desk and walked back down the hall and into the living room. Penny was no longer in the kitchen. For a second I thought maybe she’d run off again, but then I heard her in my bedroom. She was probably just putting on some clothes.

I sat down on the couch and stared at the worn envelope in my hands. I’d tried so many times to rip it in half. I’d tried so hard to keep my distance.

Penny walked out of my bedroom fully dressed. She was even wearing a jacket and sneakers. Like she was getting ready to walk away. She was beautiful, but she was definitely a flight risk.

Breathe.

Penny closed the distance between us and sat down next to me.

"What is it?" She sounded so excited. But she wouldn’t in a moment.

"I wanted you to get over me." I couldn’t even look at her. I kept my gaze glued to the envelope.

"You already told me that."

"Before you open this I need to tell you something."

"Okay."

"I did something I regret. But I can't take it back."

She didn’t respond.

If I was going to lean into this. I had to make it make sense. I didn’t want her to ask a million questions like Dr. Clark had. I just needed her to accept what happened and we could try to move on. "I thought I needed to get over you. I thought it was best for you."

"And for you?"

"No." I shook my head. “I always knew it wasn't best for me.

" I finally let my eyes move from the envelope and fall on her.

"You said that it didn't look like I was in pain.

But I was. I felt numb. My days dragged on.

Without you there's nothing for me here.

It sounds like I'm trying to make excuses but I'm not.

I can own up to my mistakes. I just needed you to know that I was in pain too.

I need you to understand the place I was in. "

"I don't want to know what you did."

"Penny..."

"Please don't tell me."

"I want you to be honest with me. How can I expect you to be if I'm not honest with you?"

It already looked like she wanted to cry. "Is it going to hurt me?"

I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair. "Yes."

She bit her lip. "You kept my clothes in your closet. Why?"

I didn’t mind a second of delaying this. "I felt like if I got rid of them then what we had really would be dead." I honestly hadn’t even considered getting rid of them.

"So this thing that you did didn't make it feel like what we had was over?"

"No. I thought it would, but it didn't." I wanted to cringe at my own words. I hated saying that I’d wanted it. That I wanted any of this.

"I wish you would have talked to me. I wish you would have told me that you thought you weren't good for me. I would have convinced you otherwise."

"You've convinced me otherwise the whole time we were together."

"You still should have talked to me."

I know. "I can't take that back either."

She nodded. "I kissed some guy that lives in your apartment."

What the fuck?! "Who?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes." I tried to keep my voice even, but I’m pretty sure it came out icy. I’m such a hypocrite.

"His name is Brendan."

Breathe. "Okay. Just one kiss?"

"Yes. And he gave me some advice. About how if things are so hard between us maybe we're not meant to work things out."

Fucking Brendan. "It's not bad advice."

"Clearly I didn't take it."

"I know." We were both silent for a moment. I knew I should just rip the Band-Aid off, but I didn’t want to. I wished I could be honest and tell Penny I couldn’t remember what happened with Isabella.

But doing that would mean I accepted what Isabella had done.

I already felt weak. Believing that she’d raped me?

I wasn’t sure I could live with that. I tried to shake the thought away.

It didn’t matter that I couldn’t remember.

It didn’t matter what Isabella was threatening.

I just needed to fucking man up to what I did.

"Is what you did worse than that?" she asked.

"Yes." I looked down at the envelope. I was holding it so tightly that I almost ripped it.

"Is it worse than the fact that I slept with Tyler?"

I closed my eyes. "I left you. You thought I had broken up with you. You weren't in the wrong."

"Is it worse?"

"By default, yes."

"So you had sex with someone else?"

I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees. No. "I did." I felt like I was going to throw up.

She stood up from the couch. "A stranger?"

Breathe. "No."

She was staring at me like she already knew the truth. And she so easily believed it.

I’d made the right choice here. By not telling her I’d blacked out. She would have believed Isabella’s lies anyway. I wasn’t exactly trustworthy.

"Did you enjoy it?" she spat.

I don’t remember it. But I wouldn’t have. It wasn’t Penny. "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything. It wasn't like it is with you."

"So you did enjoy it?"

"Penny..."

"When we were arguing earlier you said all we were doing was fucking."

"I didn't mean it. I was upset." I really felt like I was going to be sick now.

"I shouldn't be upset with you. I slept with someone else too. But I am. I don't know what you want me to say."

"You're allowed to be upset with me." I was upset with her for sleeping with Tyler. Were we just doomed to always be mad at each other?

"It was her, wasn't it?"

I looked up at her. Don’t make me say it. I can’t.

"Isabella? Your wife?"

"Yes.” Breathe.

"Okay."

"Penny, I didn't go to New York with the intention of sleeping with her." I didn’t even want to see her. I never wanted to see her again.

"Okay."

"It just happened." Maybe.

"Okay."

"Please stop saying okay. It's not okay. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Penny."

"You don't have to explain it to me. She's your wife."

Her words were like a slap across my face. My wife. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. "I needed you to know."

"I need some air."

"Okay. Let's take a walk."

"I want to be alone."

"Penny, you have a concussion..."

"I'm okay. Please. I just need some air."

Maybe it would be better for us to have a few minutes apart. To try to calm down. She wasn’t saying she was leaving for good. She just needed a moment. This wasn’t goodbye. "Take this." I lifted up the envelope.

She shook her head.

I stood up, folded the envelope in half, and slipped it into the pocket of her jacket. I added her phone next to the envelope. Every inch of me wanted to get back on my knees and beg her to stay. But she had the whole story now. She had to make her own choice. "Please be careful."

"I promised you I would be." She gave me one last disheartened glance and then walked over to the elevator.

And my heart started beating funny in my chest. What if one minute to calm down truly did turn into a goodbye?

What is she never came back? What if she walked away for good?

Breathe. But thinking the words didn’t help.

It was like the air wasn’t reaching my chest. When I was little, I used to get panic attacks.

But I hadn’t had one since I was a kid. I’d never forget the feeling though, as it wrapped around my chest. "Please stay. "

"I can't."

"I'm begging you, please."

"I can't look at you right now." The elevator dinged as the doors slid open. She stepped on.

"Penny." My voice broke as I stood there staring at her. I can’t breathe.

"Professor Hunter."

The doors closed and she was gone.

Breathe.

I needed to go after her.

Breathe.

I took a step forward and then stopped. I needed to give her time.

Breathe.

I just stood there like a fucking idiot, gasping for air. Penny’s cherry perfume was the only scent I wanted to inhale. But she wasn’t here. And I didn’t know what to do.

Breathe.

I’d told her Isabella’s story about what happened and I felt out of control anyway. Why did I always feel out of control? Why couldn’t I get a grip?

I wanted a drink.

I wanted to search my whole building and find a guy named Brendan and break his nose.

I wanted to be someone other than myself. Anyone else.

I fell to my knees as I gasped for air. When I was a kid, Rob had always helped me when I lost my breath. What had he always said? Fuck, he just told me to breathe. And that wasn’t fucking helping right now.

I grabbed my chest as I stared at the metal doors.

Come back, Penny.

Please come back to me.

I don’t know how to live without you.

Please, I’ll be better. I swear.

I closed my eyes and pictured being back at my childhood home.

It was like I could feel Rob’s hands on my shoulders as he made me stare back at him.

“Breathe, James.” Picturing the scene made it even harder to breathe.

Rob was younger than me and he was always taking care of me. Because I’d always been a fucking mess.

I felt a tear run down my cheek.

I’d always been weak.

I can’t fucking breathe.

I felt that familiar pain in my chest. The pain that made me reach for vices. I’d always known that the pain would one day devour me whole.

I just wanted to be better. I wanted someone to fix me. I was just so tired. So fucking tired of living this way. The thought settled around me as the pain in my lungs eased. I closed my eyes. You shouldn’t be able to break the broken. But here I was, broken on the floor.

I’d been so worried about hurting Penny. But she was the one that ruined me. I literally couldn’t breathe unless she was beside me. I laughed out loud, the sound echoing around my empty apartment. It sounded sad and lifeless.

The elevator dinged.

I opened my eyes as the doors slid open.

And standing there was…Ian. I just stared at him. I had nothing to say.

He stepped out of the elevator. “Get up.” He put his hand out for me.

No.

“James, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years, it’s that you always need to get up.”

No.

“Get up. Now.”

“Go to hell.”

“Not before you.” He grabbed my arm and hauled me to my feet.

I groaned. Everything hurt.

He slapped me on the back. “There. Much better. I ordered pizza for lunch. It’ll be here any minute.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I don’t care.”

Ian was the worst employee in the history of employees. “Are you even going to ask me why I was hunched over on the floor?”

“I saw.”

I just stared at him. “You saw all of it?”

“And I heard it too.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. I didn’t really care that he was aware of my kink of Penny calling me Professor Hunter.

But I didn’t love the fact that he was watching me so closely.

Not when my life was unraveling around me.

I pictured him eating popcorn and laughing at the footage.

Or masturbating to it. Yeah, I didn’t like that at all.

“You lied to her,” Ian said. “Penny left because you lied. So don’t sit here and feel sorry for yourself.”

“I didn’t lie.”

Ian put his hands on my shoulders. And it reminded me so much of when Rob used to do it. I was glad Rob was visiting soon. I missed him. I missed the way we used to be. I thought about Mason and Matt too. I missed the way we all used to be. Before everything broke.

“James, we both know you didn’t willingly sleep with Isabella. She…”

I pushed him off me before he could finish his sentence.

Ian sighed. “You can’t keep lying to yourself. Who is it helping?”

“Me. It’s helping me.”

He shook his head. “You have a visitor arriving in just a minute.”

“The pizza guy?” That was a weird way to describe him.

“No.”

“Oh. Rob’s finally here?” Perfect timing.

We could go out and get drunk. I would have asked Ian to go to a bar with me, but he’d seen me at my worst the past couple weeks.

And he’d stopped being fun. Day drinking wasn’t going to be on his approved list of activities.

He was acting more like a father than a friend.

And he definitely wasn’t acting like an employee. Or else he’d listen to me more.

“No, Rob’s not here yet. At least, not that I know of.”

Really, when was Rob coming? I hated when things were up in the air. Why did he insist on spontaneity when I needed structure? “Well, I don’t know anyone else.”

Ian folded his arms across his chest. “You’re going to want to fire me. But you’ll thank me later.”

I lowered my eyebrows as I stared at him. “What did you do?”

“What’s best for you.”

“What did you do?” I repeated. But I had a sinking feeling. Please don’t say Dr. Clark is on his way here.