Page 133 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 10

Saturday

“James you were there for me when I needed you,” Ian said. “I don’t care if you want to sit on the floor for the rest of the day. But you will get back up. And you will keep going. Because that’s the only option.”

That wasn’t the only option. I could hurl myself out the window and onto Main Street below. It would make the pain stop.

“And I already know what you’re thinking. That’s why you have a visitor coming.”

I glared at Ian. “You did not invite Dr. Clark to my home.”

“You need help, James.”

“And you need a new job.”

“You don’t mean that. And we both know it.” He slapped me on the back. “You’ll thank me later. And I hope Rob does get here soon because you’re exhausting.”

“You’re exhausting.”

“You’re definitely not thinking clearly. Because that was the lamest comeback ever. Do you want to put a shirt on or something?”

“Dr. Clark coming to my apartment is equally inappropriate to him seeing me in just sweatpants. Call him and tell him I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.”

“What am I paying you for?”

Ian smiled. “To keep you safe. Which is what I’m doing.”

He was interpreting that differently than I wanted him to. I’d never hired him to protect me from myself.

“I’m fine,” I said again. “Call Dr. Clark and tell him to abort whatever mission you two are on.”

“No.”

“Ian, I’m only going to ask you one more time.”

“Ask as many times as you want. The answer’s still no.” He looked down at his phone. “Besides, it’s too late.”

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Dr. Clark and a pizza boy were both standing there. They each looked a little confused by the other’s presence.

I glared at both of them.

Ian paid the pizza boy and then welcomed Dr. Clark inside.

“James,” Dr. Clark said. “Ian said you had something very important to discuss. And that it couldn’t wait.”

I do not. Last night, I’d promised myself I’d take these sessions more seriously. But this wasn’t technically one of my sessions. “Well, Ian is misinformed and currently looking for a new job.”

Ian laughed from the kitchen.

“Is this about your black eye?” Dr. Clark asked. “How did you get it?”

Fuck, I’d forgotten I looked like I’d just been in a boxing match. I smiled, thinking about how Tyler probably looked similar. I really hated that kid. “I was in a fight.”

“With…whom?”

I didn’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want him here at all.

“Are you hungry, Doc?” Ian asked.

“I could eat,” Dr. Clark said. He walked into the kitchen and sat down at the counter like he’d been here a million times.

Why were they both in my home right now? I followed them into the kitchen.

Ian handed me a plate. He put his elbows on the counter and stared at me. “So are we going to talk about this now?”

“This isn’t group therapy, Ian,” I said.

“But you’re not going to tell him the truth unless I’m here.”

“Ian can stay if you want,” Dr. Clark said and took a bite of pizza. “Maybe having a friend here will help you open up.”

I sighed. I liked it better when Dr. Clark just thought Ian was an employee. I stared at the two of them eating pizza. Like this was the most normal thing in the world. An addict, a bodyguard, and a therapist… It sounded like the start of a bad joke.

“How are you feeling, James?” Dr. Clark asked.

“I feel like shit. I always feel like shit.” No thanks to you.

Dr. Clark’s eyes softened. “I see that your wrist is red.”

I looked down at where I’d snapped a rubber band so many times that it broke and made my skin raw. I folded my arms across my chest.

“Having a hard time staying present again?”

Yes. Because my present was a dumpster fire. I’d just had a panic attack for the first time in years, and my bodyguard had to piece me back together. I glanced at Ian. He looked…so worried. About me.

I took a deep breath. I’d just been on the floor, desperate for someone to help me. Ian had done the right thing by calling Dr. Clark. No, I didn’t love him in my home. This was definitely an invasion of privacy. But I needed him here.

“I had a panic attack,” I said. I sat down in one of the stools and slid Penny’s barely eaten waffles to the side. I took a bite of pizza. If they were going to act like this was normal, so was I.

“You’ve never mentioned those before,” Dr. Clark said.

“I haven’t gotten them since I was a kid.” I’m sure I would have while I was living with Isabella, but I’d been too high to realize that my life was shit.

“So why did you get one today?”

“I told Penny that I slept with Isabella. And then she left.”

“Did she break up with you?”

I shook my head. “She said she needed some air. And that she couldn’t even look at me.” Which was fitting. Most days I couldn’t bear to look at myself either.

“And how does that make you feel?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I think it’ll be fine. She slept with someone else while we were on a break too.” And kissed someone else. “So we’re even.”

“Even? This isn’t a game, James. Relationships aren’t about getting even.”

“And they’re not even,” Ian said. “Because of that thing that James wants to talk to you about.”

“Are you ready to talk about that?” Dr. Clark asked.

I sighed. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I never should have even told Ian about this. It was a moment of weakness. All of it.

“James, not telling me what’s hurting you isn’t helping anyone.”

“No one hurt me.”

Dr. Clark lowered his eyebrows. “That’s not what I said. But your black eye begs to differ.”

“This isn’t about that.”

“Then it is about something,” he said.

For Christ’s sake. “Ian thinks Isabella raped me.” The words settled around me. And I felt like I was back in Isabella’s room. My stomach churned.

“Are you talking about when you slept with her last weekend?”

“He doesn’t remember what happened,” Ian said. “He woke up naked in her bed. But Isabella drugged him. She said they had sex, but he doesn’t remember.”

“Is that true, James?” Dr. Clark asked. “Why did you tell me that you slept with her willingly?”

“Because I…I…” my voice cracked.

“Because it made you feel out of control. And when you feel out of control you reach for vices.”

I stared at him. “Yeah. That.”

“So to feel better…you got in a fist fight with someone?”

“Honestly that did make me feel better.” I laughed but no one else did. “Look, I just want to keep the past in the past. None of this matters.”

“James, what do we talk about in almost every session? The past is a part of who you are. And if you ever want a healthy relationship, your partner deserves to know your past. All of it. Every sordid detail.”

“I’ve blacked out before. It’s not a big deal,” I said, even though I didn’t believe the words.

“James, you usually black out when you choose to overindulge. This is different.”

“Well I still don’t fucking remember anything.”

“Because you were drugged. By saying you blacked out, you’re putting the blame on yourself instead of where it really belongs…on Isabella.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does….”

“It doesn’t,” I said again, cutting him off. “None of it. I don’t fucking remember what happened. And I’m not telling Penny that I don’t remember sleeping with Isabella.”

“Why not?”

“Because I already told her otherwise. It’s done.”

Dr. Clark sighed like I was exhausting him. “I’ll ask you again. Why won’t you tell Penny the truth?”

Ian cut in. “Isabella insists James slept with her willingly. And that she’ll leak her side of what happened to Penny if James says otherwise.”

“So she’s blackmailing him?” Dr. Clark asked. He turned back to me. “Surely Penny will believe your side.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time she believed someone else’s word over mine. Isabella is a sore subject because she won’t sign the damned papers. I don’t want her to ruin this one good thing in my life. I just want to move forward.”

“With Penny?”

“If she’ll have me.”

Dr. Clark finished his last bite of pizza. “And you’re building your relationship on half truths and flat out lies. That’s not a strong foundation. It’s bound to crumble, if it hasn’t already.”

“It hasn’t. Penny will come back.” She had to.

“But she can barely even look at you.”

“Well, she can’t eat or sleep without me. She needs me just as much as I need her. She was letting herself waste away when we were apart.”

“So being with you will save her?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t sound convinced about that,” Dr. Clark said. “Is that what you want here…to save her?”

“Maybe. Or maybe she needs saving from me.”

“James, do you blame yourself for Lyn’s death?”

It felt like there was a knife in my chest again, slowly twisting. Ian couldn’t be here for this. I’d already betrayed my friends’ trust by talking to Dr. Clark about her. “Ian, we need a moment.”

Ian nodded. “You got it, boss.”

So now he was listening to me?

He tossed us each another slice of pizza, grabbed the box, and left the two of us alone.

“This isn’t about Lyn,” I said.

“I think maybe it has more to do with her than you realize. I’ll ask you again, do you blame yourself for her death?”

There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away. “Partially. Yes.” My mind was numb. I wouldn’t let myself picture that day.

“You never told me how she died.”

I shook my head. “I can’t.”

“But you think it was partially your fault?”

Probably more than partially. Rob, Mason, Matt. Isabella. Her father. We all played a role. Every single one of us.

“I think that maybe you’re projecting,” Dr. Clark said. “You couldn’t save Lyn, so you want to save Penny.”

“I never thought that Lyn needed me. Not in that way.”

“Okay. But you think it was partially your fault that Lyn died. So maybe you’re worried about your role in that. And you don’t want to hurt Penny. You’re worried that if you’re together you might…what?”

Penny’s words swirled around in my head. “I don’t want to ruin her.”

“Ah. The heart of the matter. James, you’ve told me yourself that you’re better when you’re with her. And she’s better when she’s with you. So how are you going to ruin her?”

“She already told me that I did. Before she walked out today. You should have seen her face.”

“Well, she’s upset, just like your upset. You both need to move forward.”

“Or we can just be miserable together.” The words fell out of my mouth. And I instantly remembered saying them before.

“Miserable together? No, James. That’s not what I was saying. I was saying that if the two of you can have an honest discussion and move forward, you can be happy together.”

I barely registered Dr. Clark’s words. Because I was stuck on that line.

Let’s be miserable together. I closed my eyes remembering the first time I’d proposed.

To Lyn . The fake name still made the knife in my chest twist. I’d proposed to a girl that wasn’t mine, one who’d forever be frozen at 16.

Let’s be miserable together. That’s what I’d said to her.

And it wasn’t the first time I’d said it to her either.

I remembered holding her while she cried in the shower.

If I closed my eyes tight enough, it was like I was still there.

I remembered feeling hopeful when I’d proposed. Just like Penny made me feel hopeful. An escape from the life I was currently living.

There was just one key difference. I was in a good place when I’d met Penny.

The circumstances were different. And maybe, just maybe, this could work out.

I’d reached out to Lyn as a lifeline. But I didn’t need Penny to save me.

I just needed…her. Because she made me happy.

She made me feel young again. She made me feel… like a better version of myself.

I took a deep breath.

“What are you thinking?” Dr. Clark asked.

“That I’m sick of torturing myself for my past.” That’s exactly what I’d been doing since Lyn’s death.

Torturing myself. Because Dr. Clark was right, I felt guilty for what happened to her.

I’d always partially blame myself. But I’d already done my penance by marrying Isabella. “I’m allowed to be happy.”

Dr. Clark nodded. “So what now?”

“I’m ready to move forward. With Penny. And not just because she eats and sleeps when she’s with me.”

He smiled. “Show her the real you, James. And be happy.”

I hoped it was that easy. Hell, sometimes the princess did choose the villain. Right?