Page 37 of Falling for You

Annie

Like, it’s not even December yet! Why is it snowing?

I hear a knock on the door. ‘Yup?’ I call out.

I need to pack a phone charger, laptop and laptop charger just in case I get stuck there because of the snow (seems ridiculous, but entirely possible). In which case, how many jumpers should I bring? Is five excessive?

‘Hey, have you got a minute?’ My head snaps up to see Tanya and Penny perched on my bed. I stare at them. Their heads are slightly low on their shoulders, an identical look of worry painted on both their faces.

‘Yeah?’ I say. ‘What is it?’

‘Maybe sit down,’ Tanya says and I immediately drop into my desk chair, my heart jumping around my body.

‘What’s going on? You’re scaring me. Who’s dying?’ I wait for Penny to laugh and call me a drama queen, and when she doesn’t, I feel like I might be sick. ‘Oh my God, it’s serious, isn’t it? What? Just tell me.’

‘I’m moving in with Mike.’ Penny blurts it out, as if all the words have collected in her mouth and have fallen out in one go.

I pause, a jumble of confused feelings pushing their way through my body. ‘Congratulations!’ I say, getting up and hugging her. ‘That’s great, but … oh, but …’ I trail off as realisation dawns on me. ‘You’re moving in with Mike? So, you’re … you’re moving out?’

Penny nods and out of nowhere I feel a lump in my throat.

Oh my God, I can’t cry. This is a huge deal for Penny. It’s exciting. I need to be excited.

But it’s just … Penny and I have lived together for the past ten years.

‘That’s great!’ I say, although now my voice is all weird and stretched, like it’s two octaves too high.

‘I’m so excited for you.’ I turn to Tanya and hit her on the leg.

‘Who are we going to get to fill the boxroom, eh? No nutters!’ I laugh too loudly and then realise that I’m the only one making any sound.

I was so focused on Penny that I’d barely looked at Tanya, but she’s pulling the same expression as Penny.

Gosh, she looks more upset than I do. ‘Hey,’ I say, giving her hand a squeeze. ‘It’s okay. We’ll still see Pen all the time, and we can get her to make us loads of batches of stew before she goes so our freezer is full, right, Pen?’

‘I’m moving to Paris.’

Just like Penny, Tanya’s confession comes out in a weird, frantic burst, but this one hits me like a cold bucket of water.

‘What?’ I manage.

Penny has been with Mike for years. I always knew the day would come where Tanya and I would be left to our own devices for a few years, until we both eventually settled down when we were both ready .

‘Paris?’ I say stupidly. ‘Why?’

‘She’s been offered a job,’ Penny says, and I notice that she’s put her arm around Tanya’s shoulders supportively and I feel a horrible pang of guilt. She’s not hearing this for the first time. She already knew.

Oh my God, have they rehearsed this without me?

‘A job?’ I say, after realising that I’ve been silent for too long. ‘What job?’

‘It’s in the Paris office,’ Tanya says in a small voice. ‘I’ll be heading up their PR department. It’s quite a big deal.’

‘It’s a huge deal!’ Penny says loyally, giving Tanya’s shoulders a shake, and it’s only then that I notice I haven’t even said anything positive yet.

‘That’s amazing!’ I utter. ‘Wow, Tanya. That’s huge.’ I reach forward and give her a hug, but it’s all limp and cold, not like the warm, hard hugs that we normally give each other. ‘So … wow,’ I say when I sit back down. ‘You’re both moving … That’s amazing, it’s great. I’m so happy for you both.’

And the thing is, I do mean it, but my voice is weak, like it’s been stripped of all emotion.

‘We’re really sorry!’ Tanya cries. ‘We don’t want to leave you!’

I look down at my hands, feeling a flush of embarrassment. ‘Haha,’ I say in a weird, fake laugh. ‘I’m not your child, Tanya.’

Even though I do feel like one, quite a lot of the time.

‘No!’ Tanya says quickly, her face flushing. ‘Of course not. I just—’

‘It’s not for another month or so,’ Penny says.

My stomach lurches. ‘Have you told the landlord?’

She shakes her head earnestly. ‘No, but Mike has found a place for us to live, so I do need to tell them soon.’

I turn to Tanya. ‘When do they want you in Paris?’

‘As soon as possible,’ she manages.

And then it hits me. I’m not just being told that my best friends are about to do something amazing and exciting, something that I have no version of; they’re also telling me that the three of us are about to split up and, for the first time in ten years, we’re not going to live together.

We’re not going to live in our flat. We’re all going to move out. I’m going to have to move out .

Shit. Where am I going to live?

‘Okay,’ I say, turning back to my suitcase to try and hide the fact that my eyes are suddenly brimming with tears. ‘Well, you can tell him tonight if you like.’

‘Annie …’ Penny says. ‘Don’t be like that.’

‘I’m not being like anything!’ I say, trying to sound bright. ‘I’ve got to get a train back home before the snow gets really bad, and if you both need to move out quickly then we might as well get the ball rolling.’

‘Are you okay?’ Tanya says, the desperation in her voice so heartfelt that it almost makes me melt into a puddle on the floor. But instead, I turn to them, a horrible, painful smile forced on my face.

‘I’m fine!’ I say. ‘No, I’m great. I’m really, really happy for you both.’

I loll my head against the train window and feel my skull rattle against the glass.

I left as quickly as I could, stuffing my suitcase and forcing it shut, then running out of the flat, leaving behind a string of excuses about how I had to make this train, it was the last one that was running for the day, and if I missed it then I’d miss Dad’s birthday.

All of it was true, but that wasn’t what I was really saying.

Really, it was more like: I’ve got to go, I can’t stand to be in the flat for a minute longer otherwise I’ll burst into tears and ruin your lovely, special moment with my selfish fear about what the hell I’m going to do now and you’ll never believe me when I say I’m really happy for you both, even though I really am. Really.

The worst part is, I didn’t see this coming.

I knew that Penny would move in with Mike at some point, but I tucked the thought away and assumed it would happen in like …

ten years. But not ten years, because by then we’d all be in our forties, but like, when we’re thirty-something …

even though we’re all thirty-something now.

And as for Tanya, I knew she was fantastic at her job.

She always has been. I knew her PR firm has offices all over the world and she’s always wanted to travel more.

But I never considered that might result in her getting snapped up by a different branch of the firm and leaving the country.

But then, why not? It seems so obvious now.

All of it seems so bloody obvious, and yet I never considered any of it.

I was too busy in my little bubble, pratting about and making costumes. What is the matter with me?

The train starts to slow down, approaching my stop, and I get to my feet, hauling my suitcase off the top rack.

The snowflakes have steadily fallen thicker as the evening has gone on, and the further the train has pulled into the countryside, the more it feels like we’re being drawn inside an enormous feather pillow.

I heave my suitcase down onto the platform with a thud, wincing as the icy air hits my face and the snowflakes cling to my eyelashes.

It’s a ten-minute walk home from the station, and as I decided to get an earlier train, I told Dad not to worry about picking me up.

My suitcase is on wheels, and anyway, I need the time to collect myself before seeing Mum and Dad.

If I saw Dad right now, I’m worried I’d burst straight into tears.

I stop at the ticket barrier and start fumbling for my ticket. My hands grasp at my empty, gaping pockets and I curse under my breath.

Where is my ticket?

I sidestep out of the way of the queue of people, looking around as I debate whether to beg the station staff to let me through or jump the ticket barrier and make a break for it, when my heart stops.

It’s him. Nate. Stood on the platform.

He … What is he doing here?

I peer at him. The snow is falling thickly now and it’s hard to see …

but as I walk closer towards him, my heart starts to race.

Oh my God, it’s him. It’s definitely him.

The guy who ran out on me, and then well and truly fobbed me off.

Should I say something? Or just go? No, Annie, hold your head up high and leave. He is not worth your time. He is—

‘What the fuck are you doing here?’

Or, you know, just shout at him.

Nate’s head jolts up and he looks so shocked to see me that I almost laugh. ‘ Annie? ’ he cries. ‘What are you doing here? Hi!’

‘Remember me?’ I say. ‘I’m the girl you keep trying to lose?’

He blinks at me. ‘Trying to lose?’

‘Yeah.’ I pull my hat closer to my ears. ‘First you run out on a conversation with me without saying goodbye, and then you fob me off after we have an actual date.’

‘Fob you off?’ he repeats. ‘I didn’t do that, did I?’

‘Yes, you did! We had a great time and then you just palmed me off with a shitty “sorry I don’t want to see you again”.’

God. Way to play it cool, Annie.

‘Ah,’ he presses his thumb and forefinger against his eyebrows, ‘you’re right. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. I suppose I’ve blown it now, haven’t I?’

‘Yes,’ I say at once. ‘You have.’

He nods, the playful spark in his eyes that I saw last time we were together nowhere to be seen. He drops his chin. ‘Understood.’

This is the part where I turn on my heel and storm off, with my last shred of dignity and an impressive story to tell my friends. But something stops me. He looks so sad.

‘You haven’t answered my question.’

He looks up. ‘What question?’

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Ah.’ He tucks his hands in his pockets and then looks up at the blinking announcement screen. ‘Well, I think I live here now.’

‘In Gloucestershire?’

‘On this platform.’ He gives me a goofy smile and I feel myself soften.

‘Are you going to give me a real answer?’

‘Oh, it is my real answer.’ He runs his fingers through his hair.

‘I thought it would be fun to come down here for the day and escape London – it’s where The Holiday was filmed and Mom insisted that I went and found it while I was in England.

She’s not doing so good, so I thought it would cheer her up if I sent her some pictures.

But it turns out that you people can’t deal with snow and all the trains home are cancelled, and I have zero signal to get a taxi, so now I’m stuck here …

’ He pushes a small patch of sludge with the tip of his shoe.

‘On this platform, at one with the pigeons.’

I look around. Sure enough, we’re now the only people standing on the platform. The snow is spiralling out of the sky, hitting us in all directions, and in place of where the trains are normally announced are the flashing, ominous words: NO TRAINS.

‘Come on,’ I say, cocking my head as I turn on my heel.

He looks up. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I can’t just leave you here,’ I say, nerves tickling at my body as I hear the words before I register them. Shit, am I really going to do this?

‘No, honestly. It’s fine.’ I turn back around and see him standing in the same spot, his hands firmly pressed in his pockets. ‘You’re right, I’ve been an asshole. You don’t need to help me.’

I raise my eyebrows at him. ‘I’m not going to just leave you out here in the snow, am I? I’ll find you somewhere to stay.’ I start walking towards the exit, finally locating my train ticket in the depths of my pocket, but he doesn’t follow me.

‘I’ve tried,’ he says lamely. ‘It’s just, the signal here is so bad and my phone …’

‘Are you still standing there?’ I place a hand on my hip. ‘I’ll help you, now hurry up. It’s freezing.’

‘Really?’ he says. ‘You don’t have to … I’m sure I can … thank you so much.’

I laugh wryly as he finally catches up with me. ‘Don’t thank me yet. You have to meet my parents first.’