Page 88 of Eternal

AZRA

“Fade into you” by Mazzy Star

Past

T he kitchen was too quiet.

Mama always sang here, about olives and jasmine and wind, about home, her real home, the one I’d never seen. She used to show me pictures; it’s been so long since I saw this place again.

But today there was just the hum of the fridge and the clink of glass.

I watched her from the hallway, my bare feet cold on the floor.

Her hair was messy. Not curly like mine anymore.

I didn’t like mine; the kids at school said I looked like a witch.

But she loved them. I didn’t like my eyes either, so I started wearing contacts to hide them.

Alexei brought them to me cause I always cried, but my mom loved them.

Now I don’t know anymore.

She was staring at the counter, and the glass bottle next to her hand was almost empty. Her other hand shook, and she reached for a pill, popped it in her mouth, and swallowed it without water.

My baby brother started crying in the other room, and she flinched. “He won’t fucking shut up…” she whispered.

I held my breath.

Please don’t yell. Please, Mama.

But she didn’t yell, she just grabbed the bottle and poured another drink. Her fingers missed a little, and some of it spilled on the floor.

“ Mama ?”

She turned, her eyes looked red. Not from crying. From not sleeping, I think.

“I hear him,” she said. “I hear everything.”

Even her voice was tired, and I couldn’t hear her. She threw up a lot lately, maybe she was just sick? I hope it’s not too bad…

Papa stepped in from the hallway, and when he talked, his voice was tired too.

“Let me take him, Amane. You can’t even stand up on your own,” he said, walking toward her slowly before taking the small case Eren was in with him, and he looked at her with sad eyes, like she might break.

“Go sit. I’ll change him and make him sleep, okay? ”

She blinked at him like she didn’t recognize his face.

“I’m not stupid, Alexei,” she screamed too loudly. Alexei wasn’t mean to her, but I think she thought he was… “I know what you’re doing. You think I can’t handle my own baby?”

“No,” he said gently, “I think you’re tired, and I think you need help.”

“Tired?” Her laugh cracked in half. “Tired? You think that’s what this is? They’re watching me, Alexei. Every time I leave this house, I feel it. You don’t get it, you never get it.”

She grabbed the bottle again. He didn’t stop her, just sighed and moved toward the baby’s room.

“Amane, when you’re done, I’ll wait for you and we’ll talk. We can’t keep up like this...”

She watched him leave, her jaw tight, then she leaned on the counter like it was the only thing keeping her standing.

I came in, holding Eren’s blanket. It was soft, and had animals on it, and my favorite was the black bird. I called it Voron. I know Papa Alexei said Voron means Raven in Russian, but I liked it when he called me like that because of my hair.

I look at her, and I want to brush her hair.

I missed when it looked like mine.

Hers used to be shiny and beautiful . She made them look beautiful. On her, curls were pretty, so maybe the kids were wrong when they laughed at mine.

“You said my hair looked like yours when you were little,” I said, trying to smile. “And you said my eyes looked like your mama’s.”

She didn’t look at me; she kept staring at the wall.

“I miss when you sang.”

“Don’t start,” she muttered. “Please, not you too.”

“Can I brush your hair?” I asked softly. “Like last week?”

She turned on me fast. “Why do you keep saying that? Huh? You want to fix me with a brush and some stupid little song? I’m breaking, do you understand that?”

I didn’t, not really. Breaking ? Is it her bones? Is my mama dying?

Breaking… How can an adult break? I didn’t know, but I knew the sound of her voice scared me.

“I just wanted to help,” I whispered.

She laughed, but her face looked like she wanted to cry. “You’re just a kid,” she said. “You think they won’t come for you, too? They know where we live. They know everything about me.”

I didn’t understand what she meant. I just knew she was scared, and it made me scared too.

“ Please stop drinking,” I said. “You get mean when you do. I want the real you .”

I miss the real you…

That’s when she moved. I don’t even know if she pushed me or if I slipped, but I hit the floor hard. My elbow banged into the cabinet, and my chin smacked the tile. The pain hit fast, and my eyes burned with tears.

When I looked at my arm, there was blood.

She froze. “ Oh God ,” she whispered. “No, no, no…”

She dropped down beside me, her small hands shaking. Her voice broke completely. I had to really focus on the sound to understand what she meant…“I’m so sorry. My baby…what did I do? I didn’t mean to…I didn’t…”

She kissed my head, over and over. I could smell the alcohol; it made me dizzy.

“You’re all I have,” she cried. “You and your brother, you’re all I care about. But I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, and I keep messing everything up.” She sobbed. “I just… I keep seeing things, hearing things. I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe , and I’m ruining everything.”

Then she stood fast . Grabbed her keys from the hook near the door. “I have to go.”

Go? Go where? No !!

“No!” I cried, scrambling up. My knees are still hurting. “Mama, please!”

“I can’t stay! I’ll hurt you again! I’m going to ruin you!”

Ruin ? Is that why my heart hurts seeing her like that? Maybe she doesn’t love me anymore, but that’s okay, it’s okay.

“You won’t! You didn’t mean it!” I ran and wrapped my arms around her legs, crying so hard my chest hurt like when she slaps my face when she’s sick because of the same pills and bottles. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me, I’ll be good, I’ll be better. Just don’t go.”

She stopped, she didn’t move.

“ I love you ,” I sobbed. “Even when you’re sad, even when you yell. Please stay. Please …”

Please. Please. Please.

I miss you.

I miss my real mom.

Her hand touched my hair softly, like she remembered.

Alexei stood at the hallway’s end, holding my brother, quiet as a statue. His eyes were red too, but he didn’t say a word.

“Look, Eren isn’t crying anymore, please, mama stay!”

The tears are burning my eyes, they burn, they hurt. And Mama… She just stood there.

She looked behind me and saw Alexei taking Eren upstairs.

And I didn’t know if she was going to stay, or if this was the last time I’d ever hold her. “I’ll be better…I’ll be good…. I promise! Please don’t hate me, mama…”

Please stay. Please stay. Please stay.

She didn’t talk; she just stood there.

Then she looked at me, like she remembered who I was, but then her knees gave up, like they got tired too. She dropped the keys, took my hand, and slowly walked to the couch.

She lay down with her head on my lap, her body felt heavy, like she was full of tears.

She used to be pretty, but now her face looks tired all the time.

I didn’t say anything about the blood on my arm, or the bottle, or the pills.

I just ran my fingers through her hair.

“Let’s sing together,” I whispered.

She closed her eyes and hummed with me.

“ You’re the iris of my world… my only flower… ”

Her voice cracked halfway through, but I kept humming. I remembered the rest.

“ I’m the iris of your world… ”

She didn’t finish our song, her breathing slowed, and her hand dropped off my knee. She fell asleep, and I looked at the bottles still open, the pills out.

Then I looked outside.

The garden was quiet too; the irises were dead, brown, and dry, curling on themselves.

She used to smile when she looked at them.

Now she doesn't smile much at all.

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

Why am I sad? Because my mama hates me? Because I’m not a good kid and I make her tired?

“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whispered to her, even if she was already dreaming. “Even if you don’t love me back… I’ll still stay.”

And I didn’t sleep that night, I just counted her breaths. One… two… three…

Because if she stopped, I don’t think I’d know how to start again, and I needed to stay awake.