Page 142 of Eternal

AZRA

“TV” by Billie Eilish

Present

I didn’t tell anyone about the appointment. Not Kat. Not him.

I’d been thinking about it for days. Weeks, maybe. Ever since he looked at me in that way. That soft, stupid way, like he thought about a possible future with me.

He touched my stomach one night while hugging me, barely laid his hand there like it meant something.

Like he was dreaming, too. Something unreachable. And it made me want things I never let myself want. A family. A real home.

Something that could prove all of them wrong. Even me. Like maybe I could break the cycle.

I don’t even know if I’d ever want it, not really. But the simple idea that I could. That the choice might exist. That was enough to crack something open.

I never planned to be a mom. I never wanted that. But I pictured it. Just once.

What if it was in me?

I knew I couldn’t do it. Not because I didn’t care. But because I did.

That baby would’ve had me for a mother. Me , broken, angry, lost as hell.

And maybe people say “love is enough,” but I watched what love did to me. How my mom said she loved me and still left bruises. Still disappeared when I needed her.

I wasn’t going to become that. I wasn't going to hand a kid the same poison I swallowed willingly because of love. Because I was a kid who trusted her mother.

I didn’t want a baby to grow up learning that silence means good. That doors slamming means run. That love might come with a bruise, or a lie, or nothing at all.

So yeah. I made the choice. And maybe that makes me selfish. But I call it mercy.

And so I wanted to know.

It was a check-up, that’s what I told myself. A routine check to see if things had… changed. If the damage was reversible. If the tissue had healed.

I think I needed the doctor to lie to me. She didn’t.

She was kind. Gentle. Clinical. Said things like scarred uterus and trauma-related atrophy and not impossible but very unlikely. I nodded like I understood. Like I didn’t already know. I thanked her and walked home.

Except I didn’t go home.

I bought a bottle and laughed.

Look at me.

Me being a mother? In another life. Stupid me could’ve grown up thinking about this. But the real me could never even think about it. I’m too fucked. I would never risk it on a kid. I’d never make any innocent child go through what I went through because my mom was broken too.

And so I went there.

Cemetery .

I don’t know what I expected, she was never the kind of mother who left signs. I sat in front of that stupid crooked stone, half-drunk from the bottle of Vodka in my bag. Popov, her favorite, then I stared at her name. Two graves were next to hers, Alexei and my baby brother.

“You told me I’d scare happiness away if I kept being kind.” I said it out loud.

“You were right, mama. You fucked me up. And then they fucked me up. I let someone in and now I want things I can’t have. And I hate you for making that feel like a curse.”

Stupid. Stupid. Always so stupid.

The bottle got empty real quickly. I stayed there and talked to Eren. Told him that I missed him and I still take the same breakfast as I took when he was a baby. Yogurt and cereals.

Didn’t say anything to Alexei. Maybe I never stopped being mad at him for leaving me to take care of someone who didn’t want to be taken care of.

I cried. I cried again. And walked back home.

My fingers were cold when I got inside, heart louder than my footsteps. I didn’t even take off my coat, I dropped onto the couch, after pulling a bottle from under the sink, one I swore to Damir I’d poured out, and drank it nonetheless. Fast. Hard .

Until the room blurred, my stomach flipped and my mind stopped racing.

Until I didn’t feel the heaviness of the truth.

Until I didn’t feel like that little girl again, the one they passed around like a problem no one wanted to solve.

The one her foster father drugged so she’d “stay still.”

The one who bled and bled and bled, and still thought maybe she could be loved someday.

I drank, took the pills I kept hiding in the bathroom ‘just in case’ because I knew I’d face this kind of situation.

Alcohol and pills aren’t a good mix. Mom taught me that first.

I took them, until I passed out.

Didn’t even hear the door break.

Didn’t hear my name until he was right in front of me, shaking me awake like I was something worth saving.

I think I whispered I’m sorry before I even opened my eyes.

Because I knew this would break him too.

One second I was on the couch with the taste of vodka and blood in my mouth, I must’ve bitten my lip again, and the next, there was light. Noise. Wood splitting, someone yelling my name louder each time.

I didn’t move. My body felt too heavy, sunk into the cushions, bones too tired to give a fuck. I just wanted to disappear, to sink so far into that couch he wouldn’t find me.

But he did.

I heard him curse. Broken . Then his hands were on my face.

“Azra…fuck, Azra. Wake up.”

Mama wake up… You’re scaring me…

His voice cracked. That did it. I opened my eyes, the ceiling was spinning, the world was all blurry.

“Get off me,” I slurred, shoving at him with dead arms. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him closer or gone forever.

“You weren’t answering. I called twenty times.” His hand was in my hair. Gentle . That made it worse. “What the fuck happened to you?”

I laughed, or maybe sobbed. It was a sound with no shape, just pain.

“I went to the doctor today,” I whispered. “To check if I could have kids.”

His face shifted. Slowed.

“I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to tell anyone. But I did. I thought maybe… I don’t know. You looked at me that night, when your hand was on my stomach, and I… fuck , I thought maybe I could have that in me. We’re not even together I know. I fucking know. But I just…I just… I was stupid.”

I saw it then, behind my eyes. Nothing .

“I thought maybe… I wasn’t too broken to give that to someone.”

He didn’t say anything.

“The doctor said no.” My voice cracked. “That I’d bled too much. That he… ”

I swallowed. I couldn’t say his name, not tonight. “That, the scarring was too bad. That it was already a miracle my organs weren’t damaged the day he forced the miscarriage. That I’ll never… ”

My throat closed. I shook my head and tried to laugh again, but it came out like a sob. “I should’ve known. I mean… he used to drug me so I wouldn’t move. Told me if I was quiet, I’d be pretty. Told me…”

I snapped my mouth shut, eyes burning. My body curled in on itself like I could shrink down and disappear inside the guilt.

“I bled so much, Damir. I thought that meant I was strong. But I was already dead, waiting to collapse.”

“I’m sorry, Azra. I’m so sorry.”

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Fucking SORRY FOR WHAT!?

His arms hugged me quickly. He held me tight, and took me to the bathroom. I can’t even remember what happened, I think I was crying too hard.

Screaming. Screaming. And screaming.

Until I felt the water on me, and him in front of me. And I fell on my knees. Crying more. Because I remembered.

He hugged me still.

“I can’t do this. I can’t.”

“It’s okay baby, I’m here. I’m here.” Soft fingers brushed through my hair. “You’re perfect like you are. Perfect. Don’t think you’re broken.”

“I… I was pregnant. I was 16. He… he forced me to stop the pregnancy. It hurt so bad. It’s still in my brain. The pain. The screams. It hurt too much, too loud, too hard.”

His hand brushed my hair off my face, and I flinched. “Don’t… you can go. You can leave.”

“I’m not leaving,” he said.

I laughed again. “They all left. They all left, and you will too. You’ll see this and run.”

“I kicked your door down, Azra .”

I stared at him. Hollowed out. “You shouldn’t have.”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

“Yeah, you did.”

He didn’t look away. Not even once. “Then I choose you.”

Silence. Ugly silence.

Then I said it. All of it.

“I drank because I wanted to kill the hope. It hurt too much. Wanting a life I’ll never have. Wanting you. Wanting to be someone you could stay for.”

He leaned his forehead against mine.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

I shook my head. “You say that now.”

“I’ll say it tomorrow. And the day after.” He assured me. So sure. So serious. It almost scared me.

I wanted to believe him. God, I wanted it so bad it hurt, but I was still that girl, in every way that counted, and I wasn’t sure love could reach that deep.

He took me back to bed and stayed with me the whole night cuddling me, whispering sweet things to me. I almost forgot tomorrow night was the night. And he didn't mention it, like tonight was about me. And tomorrow will be about my revenge.

Tonight I was under his care.

Voron can be back tomorrow.