Page 78 of Eternal

AZRA

“Mr. Sandman” by SYML

Present

I told you you’d hate me if I was honest.

Liar.

Fucking liar.

A scream claws its way out of my throat before I even realize I’m making a sound.

I grab the first thing I see, a glass, a book, a goddamn knife, and throw them across the room.

It crashes into the wall, but it’s not enough.

I want the whole place to fall apart, I want the walls to shake, the ceiling to crack, the entire world to feel what’s inside me right now.

I can’t breathe.

I rip off my jacket, my dress, my gloves, anything that has his touch on it. My skin burns, disgust curdling in my stomach. I claw at my arms, at my ribs, trying to scrape him off me.

Get off, get off, get off.

You fucking liar.

I grab the lamp off the nightstand and smash it into the mirror, it cracks, shatters. My reflection splits into a hundred jagged pieces.

Crazy isn’t it?

How hard it is to look at yourself. Really look.

Not the face, but everything underneath. And lately I’ve been seeing hope, a whisper of it, and I hate that. I hate that I let myself believe something could change, that I let something soft crawl into my chest when I swore I’d hardened over.

Hope makes you feel stupid and feel .

Nothing good comes out of feelings .

I hate myself for that and things I don’t even have names for. Weakness, wanting things I should’ve let down, for not being enough.

There are a thousand versions of me scattered in these broken pieces and I can’t stand a single one of them.

I turn, my breath coming in sharp gasps, my legs feel weak, but I make it to the bathroom. The water’s on before I even think about it, scalding hot, steam fills the room, suffocating me, but I don’t care.

I step in and the burn is instant, searing against my raw skin. It should hurt, and it does hurt. But it’s nothing compared to what I deserve.

I scrub hard, harder .

Blood circles the drain, red spirals against white porcelain. His blood. My blood. The past. The betrayal. The lie. But it doesn’t leave, it never leaves. It’s under my nails, in my hair, inside me, inside me, inside me ? —

I drop to my knees, my forehead pressing against the wet tile, my body convulses, and I realize I’m sobbing. I don’t even remember the last time I cried.

I want to scream again, but my throat is raw.

I want to tear myself apart, but there’s nothing left to ruin.

I want… I wanted to believe him.

That’s the worst part, not the lie, not the betrayal, not even the fact that I should have known better. It’s the fact that I wanted it to be real, that I let myself hope.

Stupid girl.

My fingers dig into my scalp as I rock back and forth, the water still beating down on me. My mind is a mess of shattered glass, broken bones, every fucking nightmare I’ve survived crashing down on me at once.

Eventually, the sobs quiet, and the shaking stops.

I lift my head, look at my hands, they’re steady now.

I exhale, dragging myself up, shutting off the water. Stepping back into the wreckage of my apartment.

This is what happens when I let my guard down. This is what happens when I trust, this is what happens when someone tries to use me, lies to get something from me. It’s never kind, nothing is in this world, it all comes with a promise, with a dream or a hope.