Page 76 of Eternal

DAMIR

“Meet You At The Graveyard” by Cleffy

Past

“ Y ou’d hate this weather,” I said, crouched low, elbows resting on my knees. “Too cold. And really quiet.”

I rubbed my thumb against my knuckles, cracked and red from the wind.

My other hand pours the vodka into five small plastic cups.

One by one, placed in front of me, no gravestones marked with their names, just memory. Like they didn’t even deserve a real burial, like they were already ghosts.

“Vlad, you remember when I promised you that I’d protect you forever, you were so small, so young… And I had to be the older brother, because you trusted me with your life. Do you hate me for this? For failing I mean?”

Nothing .

“Yeah, I know right… feels weird now. You were there, and now you’re not.”

The photo is still in my hand, creased edges, old ink. They were all laughing that day, all of them. I can almost hear the picture. Oleg’s stupid jokes, and Roman complaining about the cold and how hungry he was. I can hear the song too, that old Russian song Yuri and Vlad loved so much.

“Roman would’ve brought gloves again. He’d say it was ‘too cold’ to drink in silence and alone here.”

A soft chuckle slipped out. “Oleg and Yuri would probably tease him about it. He never liked cold weather…. Probably would’ve told him to shut up and pour shots over the graves anyway.”

I paused. So silent… Not even birds tonight. “I don’t know why I still come here,” I said. “You don’t answer. None of you ever do.”

I looked down at the grass, patchy and frozen, then back at the row of stones in front of me.

“ Damir. You knew me when I was Damir.”

I stare at the picture like it might speak, and it does in a way.

“Yuri. Oleg. Roman. Vlad. Damir.”

I say our names out loud, slowly. Like a roll call, like I’m trying to remind myself of something before it disappears.

“I loved you all.” Silence. “I failed.” Silence still.

A long breath slips out of my chest. It’s exhausting…

feeling like this. For a long time, I was sure something in me was broken beyond repair, like whatever let people care, feel, hope…

that part of me was gone. Burned out or torn away, but maybe I was wrong.

Maybe it was always there, just buried too deep to reach.

“I used to think love made people worth something.” I scoff quietly. “But loving you guys made me weak. Made me want to protect, to hesitate, and that’s what gets people killed.”

I look down at the dirt, and take the first shot. It burns. Second. Third, Fourth. I hold onto the last one.

Not for them, not for what we lost. But for someone I never really knew and probably never will. Someone who didn’t flinch when he was with you, who didn’t have to hide.

“You guys were the good ones. You believed in shit like peace and hope. I thought you were naive, turns out you were right.”

My voice cracks on that, not enough to cry. I'm long past that, just enough for silence to answer.

“After you all died, I stopped trying. Stopped feeling, deciding caring makes you stupid.” I look at the picture again. “Because no one tells you that love turns to grief. And grief…” I pause. “Grief eats you alive.”

I rub my eyes but no tears come out.

I would’ve died for all of you, but you died before giving me the chance to prove it. I think I was better when I didn’t care, empty, sure. But at least I didn’t feel like this.

I look down at the empty glasses now. You care, you love, you protect, and when it ends, you’re the only one left to remember the names.

I fold the photo gently, slip it into the inside of my jacket. Then just sit there, still breathing, but only because I haven’t figured out how to stop yet.

“Thank you for teaching me that love was just another version of grief waiting to happen.” A long exhale follows.

“I’m still here, Vlad. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

” I stood slowly, knees stiff. “But I figured someone should remember you the way you were. Before the blood, before we got so far in, we forgot what we were doing it for, to stop being hungry, to stop being sad. We did all of this to be alive and free, guess we should’ve stayed in that damn house. ”

A smile blooms on my face, but it’s stupid, lonely, and hopeless. I know it.

“Alright. I’ll see you again. Maybe.”

Damir. I wish he would’ve been happier. Damir. This young boy. Me . I really do wish for it.