Page 163 of Eternal

VIKTOR

“Eternity” by Alex Warren

T he cigarette between my fingers burns down to nothing, and I barely notice until it’s gone. Smoke’s hanging thick in the air, but it doesn’t clear anything. It’s like the silence between me and Kat, smothering, suffocating.

She’s sitting beside me, but I can barely look at her. I keep seeing her face, the way she smiled when she was pissed off, the way she laughed after kicking someone’s ass.

It all feels so fucking wrong, like it can’t be real.

We’re supposed to be here together, all of us.

But now it’s only me and Kat, and the emptiness is heavy.

Her death’s like a constant ache I can’t escape. I don’t know if I want to know if she’s at peace now... if she’s not. Who the fuck knows.

“You think she’s at peace?”

I can’t answer, I take another drag. That's all I can do. “I don’t think she ever knew peace,” I mutter, barely loud enough for her to hear. “Not really.”

I can see her face in my head, laughing and hugging me, taking what she wanted without a second thought. And now... nothing.

“Do you think she’s really gone, Vik?” Kat’s voice cracks, but she doesn’t move. She doesn’t look at me either. Her eyes are trained on the ground, on something only she sees. I wonder if she even cares about the question anymore.

“Do you think she’d want us to sit here and feel sorry for her?” I spit out. “She’d tell us to get the hell up and move on, right?”

Kat doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t need to.

We both know.

She’d kick our asses if she was here, make us get back to living and be happy, even if it killed us.

I don’t know how long we sat there. I don’t even know why we’re at this goddamn place… Maybe because it was hers. She always wanted to bring the dogs here but she didn’t want them to lose their free will to run and play in this smaller apartment.

I look at Kat, and there’s nothing I can say to make this better. Not now, not after everything.

But she was our family, she was my little sister too…

“ Fuck ,” I mutter, wiping the back of my hand across my eyes. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. But I’m not gonna do it now. It’s not for her.

Not for this. It’s been more than a year, and it hurts a little more everyday.

Kat’s head drops onto my shoulder. I feel her tears soaking through my shirt, but I don’t push her away. I never would.

“I miss her so much. You’d think we’d have more time,” she whispers, voice barely there. “I thought we’d have more time with her.”

“Yeah,” I say, the words rough and bitter. “But flowers do die.”

We both sit in the mess of it for a while longer, the sound of the dogs softly panting at our feet, the world around us nothing but noise and shadows.

And that’s when it hits me. She was always so certain of herself, so strong, even when she was breaking down, even when she was all sad and hopeless.

But she had us.

She had me.

I hope you're at peace now, free from all the blood and violence.

And I hope that the bastard of Damir is taking care of you, the way you both needed. But knowing him, I’m sure he is. He was as obsessed with you as you were with him.

Two fucked-up souls who burned too bright and ended up consumed by their own fire.

At least they loved each other.

They loved each other so damn much, it killed them both.

She was always so damn stubborn, always acting like she didn’t need anyone, but she needed him. And I could see it every damn time they looked at each other like they were the only two people alive.

I hate that I never had the chance to say it, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered, but I would’ve saved her if I could have. I should’ve been there, I should’ve seen it coming, but I couldn’t stop her from going there alone.

She didn’t want to be saved anyway.

They both didn’t want to be saved.

They only wanted to be together.

Broken in their own way.

They were too tangled up in their own mess to care what happened after.

I think that’s all either of them wanted anyway, to be far away from this place. But now ... now, I don’t know what’s left.

All I know is that damn question. Who if not me? Who if not you?

Now, it’s who if not her ... and I don’t know, maybe no one.

At least I had her. She was my family. And in the end, that’s all that matters, dead or alive.

“Who if not you, kroshka ?” I whisper to myself, the words tasting like metal.

Who if not her? No one. She was my best friend…

Be happy now. Run free, like the flower you always wanted to be.

I’ll forever put some irises on your grave… and on Damir’s.

My favorite iris.

I love you. Always . And no matter how far you fall. I’ll be there to catch you.