Page 160 of Eternal

AZRA

“Let Down” by Radiohead

Past

T he camera makes that little buzzing sound again. Mom’s standing by the fence, holding it up.

Alexei bought it for her this year and she uses it every time.

“Go on, Azra. Show the camera how old you are!”

I hold three fingers with my right hand, and three with my left “SIIIIIXXX!”

Mama laughs super hard. “Yes, baby, you are six!”

I take off.

My shoes are too big, they flap when I run, but I don’t care.

The flowers are so tall today, like a jungle, purple, blue and yellow. They’re my favorite, and Mommy’s favorite too.

“I’m a princessssss!” I shout. “No!” I giggle. “An iriiiiiis!”

I spin so fast my dress flies up, I almost fell.

Mom laughs behind the camera again. Her soft blond curls look like magic in the wind. “Careful, baby!”

“I’m okay!”

I twirl again. The sun gets in my eyes, but it’s okay, it makes everything glow gold.

I think I hear music but it’s just the wind.

I fall into the grass, arms out, it’s itchy and warm, and the dirt smells weird and good.

I look up at the sky. “I wanna stay here forever.”

Mom kneels beside me, the camera’s still rolling, she turns it toward us and waves at it. “You will, baby,” she says. “Someday, we’ll build you a little house right here.”

I nod, it feels like a big promise. “Okay, then… I want a blue door!”

Yes…A blue door, and irises, and a swing, too. I want to stay here forever.

“Anything you want, Azra. Look at you, you’re cuter than Sunny,” Mama says. “I could never say no to you.”

“I’m not, he’s the cutest!” I giggle.

I want to be a flower one day, so I can make people happy, like they’re making us happy.

“Happy Fourth of July, baby,” Mama says. “It’s your birthday.”

She hugs me and kisses my hair, my cheeks, my forehead, everywhere. It’s tickling.

I laugh. “Hahaaaaa… Mamaaaa! Stoooop!”

Then she hums something real soft. I don’t know the song, not really, but it’s really loud in the house. I just feel it, it’s making me feel happy and strong… It’s weird. I think it’s my favorite one.

I remember the words, and Mama sings them at the same time. She’s smiling, and it’s making me smile too.

One day, I am gonna grow wings… A chemical reaction… Hystericaaaaal and useless….

I whisper it with her, even if I don’t understand it yet.

I close my eyes and feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, I think, maybe that’s what it means.

Letting down…. Growing wings.

I want to listen to this song forever and be an iris, or a star, or a girl with wings. Like a butterfly!

Someone who stays in this field forever.

Mama leans her head against mine, still humming the song.

Let down and haaaaanggiiiing arouuuuuund….

I smile so wide my cheeks hurt, the camera’s still buzzing, the flowers are all around me, the sky is gold.

And I think… Maybe I already have wings.