Page 86 of Eternal

AZRA

“Glass Eyes” by Radiohead

Present

T here’s a weight on my chest, not metaphorical, not trauma-induced for once. A real hand.

“ Stop crying. You’ll make me hurt you. Be good. Be quiet. Don’t make this harder. ”

No. Not here. Not now.

I blink, opening my eyes and letting them dart across the room, searching for him, for his voice, searching in the dark, in the places he used to lurk… but there’s nothing. The light is soft, and everything is still, exactly how it should be.

I’m not there anymore.

I’m safe. I’m safe.

The weight on my chest shifts, and I freeze.

And then, yesterday’s memories come back to me, I swallow hard, my body slowly relaxing as I realize the nightmare is over.

I whisper to myself, over and over, until it feels true, until my heart believes it. I’m safe now. I’m safe now.

A small, sleepy “Mhhh…” escapes Kat as she shifts beside me, half-awake. “ Visha , your heart is beating too fast.”

“Kat.” My voice is muffled, barely there. “Your hand is heavy. I’m literally suffocating.”

She groans softly and pulls her hand away from me, but it’s too late, the familiar warmth lingers, and my pulse won’t slow. My mind is still caught in the nightmare, still hearing his voice, feeling that cold bathroom. Seeing the blood on the stairs. Smelling the stinky cave.

It’s not him. It’s not him. I’m not there anymore.

Kat’s voice, more awake now, cuts through the fog of my mind. “Azra, you good?”

I blink rapidly, trying to shake the remnants of the nightmare, no shadows, no cold, no bathroom.

“Yeah. Nothing to worry about,” I mumble, pressing my palm to my forehead.

She yawns, stretching. “You need to stop giving yourself heart attacks.”

I nod and take a deep breath, repeating it in my head: I’m safe now.

She groans but finally rolls away, stretching like a lazy cat, and I follow.

I slept here yesterday, Vik prepared my room, stayed with us, even watched Casablanca again before wishing us goodnight and left for his own room.

But Kat slept in this room with me.

I wanted to drink yesterday.

I felt the need to drown my thoughts in something stronger than my mind, something that would blur the edges, and maybe I’ll actually do it next time, just to stop the confusion, to quiet the memories and stop thinking about everything, about him, about the comfort I felt, the safety I felt, about the warmth I felt.

I wonder if Damir woke up confused, mad, angry like me. I wonder if he’s feeling lonely like I do. Trapped in my apartment without keys, because I literally locked him in when I left.

I hope he’s feeling bad.

I really do.

But that doesn’t matter right now, I have a mission and I need to get to Vesper. I need to figure out how we stop this fucking organization.

Kat throws me a smile and taps on the bed. “I’ll wait downstairs with Vik.”

I sit back on the bed, stretching again. “Please, we slept so late.”

She grins, rubbing her face. “Too bad, I’m awake now.”

I sit up, rubbing my temples. “ Tragic .”

She throws another pillow at me. “Get up, Az .”

I take a quick shower, then slip into my sweats and hoodie… The flight is going to be long.

I’m going to be there alone, surrounded by people way more powerful than I am. Strangers .

Scary…

I pull myself out of the haze, going downstairs. I sit down at the table and reach for my toast. But before I can even get my hands on it, another big hand swoops in, snatching it away.

She’s staring at me with a smirk, biting into my breakfast.

“You’re almost thirty,” I point out as she chuckles.

She chews slowly before shrugging. “And?”

I groan and get my revenge by stealing a piece from her plate.

Vik arrives, pressing a kiss to the top of my head and then Kat’s before sitting down and snatching food from her plate as well. “Morning, kids.”

I can’t hold back my laughter when Kat’s mouth falls open in shock.

“You just stole my breakfast,” she says, borderline scandalized.

Vik shrugs. “I’m your brother.”

“I already have a headache, and it’s only 8 a.m.”

Kat bursts out laughing. “We’re just enjoying your company because we’ll miss you when you leave.”

Vik leans back in his chair with a smirk. “Speak for yourself. I think we could use the break.”

“Stop, you’re hurting me,” I say in an exaggeratedly sweet voice.

His smile widens. “Annoying.”

I roll my eyes and grab my coffee, taking a sip before setting the cup down. “ Well . I can’t wait to visit Vesper.”

Vik’s smile fades slightly. “You’re really going alone?”

“Of course.”

His jaw tightens. “So, no Damir?”

My stomach clenches hearing his name. “No him .”

He exhales sharply, clearly swallowing down a comment.

Kat changes the subject immediately. “And your bike? You came with it last night, so what’s the plan?”

I sigh, shaking my head. “I can’t take it with me. A car will be waiting for me when I arrive. But I want my bike in perfect condition when I get back.”

Kat grins. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”

“Hmm. No ,” I reply immediately.

She feigns offense. “Excuse me? I am an excellent keeper of bikes and all sorts of vehicles.”

“You nearly crashed Vik’s car the first time you drove it.”

“I was young!”

I stare at her. “That was two years ago…”

Vik shakes his head. “You wrecked the entire right side.”

Kat waves a dismissive hand. “You two always gang up on me.”

“I’d never be on his side, my pretty Kat,” I chuckle, hugging her quickly as I finish my toast. “I’ll leave it with Vik in the garage.”

Kat pouts but doesn’t argue.

Vik looks at me seriously. “You know you’ll have to call. Every day.”

I roll my eyes. “Vik, you’re overreacting.”

“Every. Single . Day,” he insists, unwavering.

Kat nods in agreement. “Yes, and you should call me too. Send me pictures of your trip, or I’ll track you down.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And how exactly do you plan on doing that, little Kat?”

She grins. “You know it’s part of my job.”

Vik sighs and reaches over to ruffle my hair like I’m still a kid. I swat his hand away as Kat giggles. “Alright, let’s go drop you off. Go grab your stuff.”

I finish eating, head upstairs, grab my bags, and head downstairs again.

Before I leave, I step out into the yard to say goodbye to my babies. Their cute eyes follow me as I stroke their fur, “Be good until I come back. I’ll miss you. And Notch, try to play more with Mischka.” I give them a small smile, whispering a goodbye before turning to the car.

Vik and Kat are already waiting for me, and we head to the car.

I slide into the backseat, my fingers instinctively reaching for the music controls.

“Alright, you get the privilege of controlling the music for this ride just because we won’t see you for a few days.”

“Never asked for your permission. I’m already synced with your car, Vik.”

Kat shoots me a grin and high-fives me. “Please, teach this man some respect. He’s been acting way too mean lately.”

I chuckle and let the music take over.

I press play, and the first few notes of Glass Eyes cut through the silence, and suddenly I’m not just sitting in the car. I’m somewhere else. Somewhere darker. Somewhere that feels like home in the worst way.

Hey it’s me…

Damir fucked me up.

He fucked me up so bad that every time I close my eyes, I’m back there, back where a man broke me first. I can see him sometimes, Christian. He’s always here when I feel worthless, maybe because he was the one who made me believe I was to begin with.

His hands, his words, always there, like they’ve etched themselves into my skin, into my bones. I’m trapped in that moment over and over, and it’s not just him.

It’s everything he made me believe in, everything he turned me into. He taught me that I didn’t have the right to feel anything good. That I was too broken, too dirty for anything but pain.

Every part of me feels contaminated by it. His voice still haunts me, screaming that I’m nothing more than the sum of my scars.

Panic is coming on strong…

And now I remember. Everything.

I remember the way Christian liked it when I hummed, how the sound made him shudder, made him almost sweeter, gentler , how it made the pain worse, because I knew it pleased him.

How I’d learned to do it without thinking, a pathetic, broken sound.

I hum the song, and suddenly, I’m there again.

Small. Silent . Splitting open under his weight, the scent of sweat, the slick heat of his breath in my ear, the sharp creak of the bed that wasn’t mine but became my grave anyway.

I was nothing .

He really liked it when I hummed, and said it made me sound like I wasn’t in pain, even though he knew I was, even though he liked that I was.

And you’re so small…

But I was. I still am, and I hate it.

I feel Vik’s hand on my ankle. Soft . I’m in the car, not back there. But it doesn’t fucking help. Nothing helps.

I’m drowning, in the taste of blood, in the stinging stretch of skin, in the quiet, rhythmic sounds I made to convince myself I was somewhere else.

I hate myself, I hate myself so much I can’t breathe.

One tear falls. Just one . That’s all I allow.

Just one to remember, to comfort myself.

Vik sees it. I know he does, his eyes flick to mine in the rearview mirror, but he doesn’t speak.

Good . I’d break if he did.

Glassy eyed light of the day…

The song keeps playing, and I hum along, my voice small, fragile.

And for a second, I wish the lyrics were true. I wouldn’t care too much. I would be gone, not trapped in this body that remembers too much, that knows too much about what abuse feels like, what unwanted touch tastes like, what a drunk breath smells like.

A body that’s been used and violated, one that no longer knows what it means to be whole. I let the music take over again. Maybe if I listen hard enough, it will follow the rhythm.

I hum quietly to myself, the words slipping from my lips just enough for me to hear them.

Like she used to, brushing my hair at night.

And like I used to, when he was on me.

When the bruises would form, and the blood would flow.

I don’t really care…

I close my eyes for a second, I’m breathing, I’m free , I’m free from the monsters.

But now I’m one myself, aren’t I? Just like them.

I watch the world blur outside, my mind stuck on the ones still trapped, the ones still in cages.

I need to save them, they’re probably waiting, hoping, for someone to care enough to search for them.

I was like that too, I hoped that help would come.

Someone should’ve saved me too, but I was too broken, and maybe now I can help fix the broken.

Once on the tarmac, Vik looks at me, his jaw clenched, worry all over his eyes. “Be careful, okay? Don’t make me threaten the boss over your safety.”

I nod. “You know I can protect myself.”

He smirks and pinches the tip of my nose quickly. “Show them, Kroshka .”

Kat pulls me into a hug. “Call us, Visha . And please, don’t shut yourself off too much over there.”

I hugged her back. “I will.”

Before stepping into the jet, I take one last look.

“See you soon.”

Then I disappear inside.