Page 33

The tears fell down my face as soon as the words left her mouth, and my mother got up and rubbed my back. “I’m sorry, Dr. Devoe. This has been a long journey of no’s for her. A lot of no’s and mentions of husbands that she doesn’t even have.”

“Understandable. I have women come into my office and ask to get their tubes tied without children all the time. I am supportive of women knowing they don’t want to be mothers and protecting themselves from ever becoming one. Navy, you are pregnant.”

My head shot up and my mouth became moist, as I looked at the doctor like she had pulled out a crack pipe and sparked up in front of us. “What?”

“Your pregnancy test came back positive.”

“God, no!” I screeched, as my mother held my hand.

Dr. Devoe remained calm. “I guess the next question is how you would like to proceed. I never want to push anything on you, and know you need to process this.”

The fact that I had sex with both Antwan and Landon unprotected made me want to scream. I hadn’t been as consistent with my birth control as I should have been. With everything going on, and then meeting Landon, everything kind of took off.

I should have been, but I wasn’t thinking about any of those things. “I want an abortion.”

She nodded her head, never trying to convince me otherwise like some doctors would have. My mother remained quiet but continued to hold my hand. “We can schedule your abortion and tubal ligation at the same time. Of course, you will need to undergo some preoperative testing.”

My chest felt like it was about to cave in listening to her words.

Everything she spoke about sounded like a blur, as she did my examination.

Once she was done, she washed her hands and continued to give me the run-down of everything.

Thankfully, my mother was here because I didn’t hear a word she said.

As I made my next appointment, and we left the office to go to the train, my mother stopped walking and grabbed my hand. “Navy, talk to me.”

“How stupid was I? Having sex with two men during the same time… putting myself at risk like diseases don’t exist!” I screamed, as tears fell from my face. “A baby? A pregnancy! I never wanted any of this, Mommy!”

In the middle of Myrtle Avenue, I screamed out feeling so overwhelmed and stupid. I’ve always been someone who had control over my life and knew what I was doing. Even when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing, I still knew what I was doing.

“Baby, you’re not stupid. You are a young woman who got caught up in life. Doesn’t mean that you are stupid or reckless.”

I looked at her. “How can you be so calm or understanding when I made an appointment to kill your grandchild?”

“Because you are my baby. I’m worried about my baby, not the baby inside of you. I never want you to be anything that you don’t want to be. Having a grandchild at the expense of my daughter’s feelings and well-being is not what I want.”

She roped her fingers into mine. “I’ll make you some soup and we can climb into the bed until your father gets home.”

To be Caribbean was to know that no matter how hot it was outside, you were gonna have some soup. It didn’t matter that it was nearly ninety degrees outside, my mother was going to make soup, and I was going to eat it because it was normal to us.

“What am I going to do about this trip?”

“Your surgery and pre-op testing aren’t immediate. Go on the trip and enjoy yourself, Navy. When you come back, then you face everything. Babe, you deserve to have some fun with your friends.”

“I wouldn’t go as far to say that London is a friend,” I mumbled.

“Whatever, child. Come on, it’s hot as hell out here.” She held my hand as we made our way to the train.

I looked in the mirror at my outfit for the party my grandparents were throwing me.

The cut-up Levi jean shorts, white basic tank top, and my favorite pair of Converse was simple enough to enjoy the night.

I wanted to stay crawled up in bed like I had been for the past few days.

My mood had been blah, and I really didn’t want to attend at all.

Greene had been calling me all morning to make sure that I was going to come.

I felt so stupid.

The one thing I had been looking forward to was going out the country with London. When she texted me earlier this week and told me it was pushed back, I was annoyed. Annoyed because that was something to take my mind off everything, and now I had to face reality.

The reality that I had put myself in this situation. Pregnant with a baby and I didn’t know who the father was. Even with me choosing to get rid of the baby, it still bothered me because that wasn’t me. I wasn’t the kind of woman that just opened herself to multiple men.

Was I too easy?

All Don had to do was pay me some attention and I was ready to give him every part of me.

How could I even pretend to resist him when he kept appearing everywhere?

The man had this swag about him that couldn’t be denied.

The way he walked into a room commanded everyone’s attention.

His smile, and his swag was just so damn ugh.

Landon wasn’t trying to cosplay as being hood or pretending to fit in and be the good guy.

He was a good guy that wasn’t afraid to show that he came from money, and he enjoyed having it.

Recommendation: Listen to “Player’s Prayer” by Lloyd.

I enjoyed that he wasn’t the kind of rich guy who tried to act like things weren’t no big deal.

When he spoke about shit, it wasn’t a big deal to him because he was used to it.

I didn’t understand how I could be with Antwan all these years and not feel this kind of connection.

Why didn’t my heart leap out my chest whenever he was around?

Or why didn’t I crave to be in his space?

Mint Condition “So Fine” played on a loop whenever I saw him.

The horn pulled me out of my thoughts as I came out the corner store.

I looked at the Escalade confused until the window rolled down.

Antwan’s ugly ass face appeared, and I wanted to scream.

Alright, he wasn’t ugly, but everything about him right now was ugly to me.

Staring right into his face, I continued to walk toward my destination, as he drove alongside me.

Cars were beeping to get around him, and he kept cruising because he wanted some attention from me.

“Is this really how we going to play games?”

I stopped in the middle of the block, allowing an older woman to pass me with a shopping cart filled with laundry. Antwan put his hazards on and looked at me while I stood there with my hands on my hips.

“You admit to cheating on me and getting your bitch pregnant and got the nerve to say I’m playing games. Antwan, you can suck ya mutha!”

He took a deep sigh. “My moms, Navy. She not doing good.”

I paused because Ms. Benita was a good woman and had always looked out for me.

She had been sick for a few years but was always pushing through.

She kept her head held high so much that you often forgot that she was sick.

Her main goal was to make sure her boy remained out the street and was able to follow his dreams. Every time we spoke, she mentioned that was her goal before she passed away, I always became sad.

As angry as I was with Antwan, this was his mother. Looking both ways, I quickly jogged across the street to the car. He popped the locks, and I climbed into the front seat. Soon as I did, he pulled away.

The smell of weed attacked my nostrils, and the thermos cup sat in the cup holder. I would have assumed it was water, but I could smell the liquor. “Antwan, are you drunk?”

“Nah. I had a sip before I left my mom’s crib… wouldn’t pick you up drunk, Navy,” he assured me and despite his track record, I believed him.

I knew how Antwan was when he was drunk, and he wasn’t drunk. “High though.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to go on without her?” His voice cracked, and I looked over at him.

This wasn’t my ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart, this was Antwan.

The boy who always came onto my block and wanted to show off how good he was when it came to playing ball.

The same Antwan who would see my mother carrying groceries and take them from her.

Ms. Benita had attended my fifth-grade graduation because my mother had to work and couldn’t take off.

“You are not going to lose her, Ant. Stop even thinking like that.” I reached over and grabbed his hand.

He continued to drive, and I saw the direction he was going. “She’s in the hospital, Nav. In the fucking hospital and talking about if it’s her time .”

“Your mother always talks like that. She’s been talking like that since we were younger. God isn’t going to take her from you, not right now. You need her the most right now.”

I wanted to be petty and mention his journey to fatherhood and decided to leave it alone. He was concerned about losing his mother and this wasn’t the time to act on my own emotions. I watched as he parked in front of the buildings across from Prospect Park.

Our spot.

He leaned his head back and stared straight ahead. “Shit seem like she not just talking anymore… like this shit gonna happen.”

“What are the doctors saying?”

He shrugged. “I left once she started talking crazy. All this stress is on me, and I can’t breathe at times. When did life become so hard for us?”

“When we became adults,” I replied softly.

One day you were eating ice cream on a stoop and your biggest problem was what movie you would watch before bed. Then you were shoved into adulthood with bills, big problems, and bad decisions.

“Shit fucking sucks.”

“Not for you. You’re going to the pros and becoming a father. Your mother is going to be there to witness all of that.”

My stomach turned when I thought about the fact that I was pregnant. Sitting in this car with him, and this could be his baby. Nothing inside of me wanted to tell Antwan that I was pregnant.

It wasn’t his business.

“I’m sorry, Nav.”

“No, you’re not. I didn’t come with you to discuss our past because it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It matters.”

“How?”

“Cause I can’t just turn off loving you, Navy. I think about you all the time and wish I could rewind time. Make things right with us and have that life we always wanted.”

“ You wanted,” I corrected.

“We.”

This is why we could never work things out. Antwan listened to what Antwan wanted. All he could think about was the life that he built for us, never what we both wanted for our future.

Greene: Where are you?

I looked at the text that Greene had sent me. “You good?”

“Yeah.”

He was in his head and thinking of everything. I could tell whenever he was going over shit inside that mind of his. “Greene texted me to head to my grandparents.”

“You think you can ever forgive me, Nav?”

That was a tough question to answer because of the situation we found ourselves in. “I don’t know, Ant. I don’t wish you bad, though.”

He snorted. “Shit just happened with us. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I know that I did hurt you.”

“You did hurt me. Messing with anyone while being committed to me is hurting me. Antwan, you could have broken up with me and been honest, but you thought you could have me and her at the same time.”

“What would a future have looked like for us, Navy? Real shit, how would that have looked when you don’t want kids, don’t want marriage or none of the shit I need?”

I folded my arms. “You never listen to me… ever.”

“I fucking listen and all I ever heard is shit that you didn’t want. It was never a discussion or conversation on what I wanted.”

“Are you fucking serious? All you ever speak about is you going pro, and all these plans you had for our future. Never asking me what I wanted, or if this is something I even asked for.”

“Every fucking bitch wants kids and marriage… to an NBA player.”

I mushed his head. “I’m not every fucking bitch and that’s where you had shit fucked up at. Ant, I get my own money and take care of myself. You so pressed by the bitches that wanna be in your pockets, counting money you don’t even have yet. Take me back to the block.”

My phone started ringing, and I saw Landon’s name come across the screen. “Yes.”

“Where you at, Pooh?”

“On the block.”

“Lie to me again, Bleu.” His voice was so damn cool, you would have assumed we were talking about the weather.

“I’m with Antwan,” I confessed.

I was met with silence.

“Hmm.”

“What does that mean?”

He chuckled. “Pooh, I’m three blinks from crashing out. You telling me you with your ex-nigga… after I slid up inside of you. Fucking told you I didn’t want to be strangers. This how you playing shit, baby?”

“We were talking, Don.”

“What the fuck is my name, Bleu?”

“Landon… we were talking. I’m coming now.”

He ended the call, and I turned to see Antwan staring a hole in the side of my face. “You move on fucking quick.”

I wanted to scream because I had Landon three blinks away from crashing out, and then I had Antwan over here staring a hole in the side of my face.

I was almost certain that Landon’s crash out wouldn’t be good.

Anybody who could talk that calm and know how many blinks it took before they came out of character couldn’t be trusted.

“Was I supposed to sit around and beg you to come back?”

“Shit, you could have pretended this shit meant more to you.”

I looked out the window and then opened the door. “Antwan, I can get back to the block. You need help.”

“I need help, but you smiling up in that nigga’s face because he got money. What, he taking you shopping and shit?”

“Shit, we haven’t gotten that far yet. When we do, I’m gonna spend his money because he got a lot of that shit.” I sarcastically replied.

Antwan manically laughed. “You always spoke shit about gold diggers and look at you.”

“Difference is I don’t care about his money. If somebody offers you steak on a gold platter or shit in a plastic bag, which one you gonna take... c’mon, son. Use your brain.” I slammed the door and made my trek down the block.