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“Beans told me this is his secret drink… it’s good, but packs a punch, too.”

I smiled while teasing her. “Beannnssss.”

“That man is so smart… I enjoy his time.”

“Just his time?” I side eyed her.

“I would have told you if we hooked up, and we haven’t even gone there. He legit just wants to get to know me, and I love that. You know I’m on a celibacy journey.”

“Cause you couldn’t stop hopping on that man’s dick,” I snorted.

She shoved me as we both laughed. Greene’s ex-boyfriend was toxic, and she knew it. Our entire family hated that damn man. I knew she was doomed when he hollered at her while we were waiting for the L train.

He was driving the train and popped his head out and asked for her name. When she responded, he thought she was lying to him. While everyone boarded, he got her number and promised he was going to call her.

The man called a week later, and they went on a date. Greene didn’t even play the field before she let his ass lock her down. He wasn’t a cornball because he had a regular job either. Shawn was responsible with his money and owned a home, car, and he helped his parents out, too.

On paper, he checked all the boxes of a good man.

Shawn was jealous and possessive when it came to Greene.

He was a few years older than her, so I liked to think that was some of the reason.

She always had to check in with him, and whenever she wasn’t with him, he had her calling him.

God, forbid she did something without checking in with him.

He would be livid, and they would end up arguing.

Greene had gave up her first apartment and moved into his house with him.

That was when it went downhill, and everyone tried to warn her.

She went from working to having Shawn taking care of her.

With him controlling the finances, the control was stricter, and I felt like I never saw my cousin anymore.

Sunday dinners weren’t the same because she hardly showed up to them.

Greene never said he put his hands on her, and she swore the time that he did it was the first and last time.

“Why are you screaming and crying? Slow down, I can’t understand you, Greene.” I stopped in the middle of the subway stairs.

I had just gotten off the train at Kingston Avenue and my phone immediately started ringing when I got service. “He put his fucking hands on me… punched the shit out of me!” she screamed so loud that I had to remove the phone from my ear.

“Where are you?”

“I’m in the house… he left after I beat the shit out of him with Nana’s pot, she let me borrow!” she continued to yell.

My heart was racing as I stood on the stairs while everyone was exiting or entering the subway and walked around me. Even though she had calmed down from screaming, I could hear the fear in her voice.

“He said he’s going to get his sister, Navy,” she whispered.

Shawn’s sister was a few years older than us and never liked Greene. Went out her way to make sure that Greene knew she hated her. I put on my purse crossbody and jogged up the rest of the steps.

“I’m a few blocks away from you. I’m coming.”

In high school, I didn’t make the track team because I was too slow. The track teacher would have been happy to see the way I bolted across the many lanes on Eastern Parkway and shot down the blocks while on the phone with my mother.

She was at work, and she called my uncle Kemar because he happened to be off that day. The minute my aunt heard what happened, she tied her scarf on and told me she would meet me there.

By the time I arrived, Shawn’s sister was outside talking a bunch of shit and was ready to fight. He thought he had Greene so controlled that she wouldn’t call her family and we pulled up like roaches.

My uncle hopped out his car and went right for Shawn. He beat the shit out of that man in front of his own home, while me and my aunt jumped his sister. We beat both they asses in front of his house while Greene stood on the porch watching.

Eventually, my aunt tapped me out and handled the sister alone because she was pissed that she would fight Greene for some mess her brother started.

“Whewwww! He is so damn fine. I know his wife stays in his skin,” Greene’s clapping distracted me, and I saw Maliek was on the stage.

He was so humble, only wearing a black t-shirt, jeans and a gold chain with an S on it. I assumed it was for his wife that he hadn’t been quiet about. He was so private on social media, but his love for his wife and their child was loud.

“I had to fly in and out because I promised y’all I would be back. Husband and daddy duties kept me away, but New York is home, and I had to come bless y’all.”

Me and Greene rapped our hearts out to the music while the other girls sat, not knowing any of the words. This man went through hell, addiction and made a comeback and claimed everything everyone thought that he lost.

I watched as he commanded the stage and made you feel every word that he rapped. My kindle was no longer a thought because a legend was on the stage and giving me everything, I hoped that he would.

“The way he gave me everything tonight!” Greene screeched as we walked down the block from the Barclay’s toward her car.

“Everything… he gave me so much inspiration to write tonight.”

Greene stopped. “We should go in the studio.”

“What?”

“The studio in Bed-Stuy that we always used to go to. Come on, Navy… it’s still early.” She waved her hand around the darkened sky like it wasn’t about to be midnight.

“I don’t even talk to him anymore… he not gonna let us use the studio.” I made an excuse because I knew he would.

Ice was a producer who liked me, and he would give me free studio time when I thought I was gonna blow up as a singer. Reality kicked in and I realized I was wasting both mine and his time, so I stopped coming around. He still reached out, and we were cordial.

I sent Ice a quick text message as we continued to walk down the block. He responded that he was out of town, but gave me the code to access it, and told me that it was good to hear from me.

Greene stopped walking and waited for me to give her the answer. “He gave me the code to get in.”

I spent so much time at the studio that I was familiar with a lot of the boards and buttons needed.

If I wasn’t so focused on this singing career, I could have been a producer because Ice taught me so much.

He was the kind of man who loved to teach and put somebody on.

There was never any gatekeeping with him and that was why I respected him so much.

“Bitch, we in there… Beans hit me up, too. Asked what I was doing. Mind if I invite him to the studio, too?”

“You expect me to sing in front of him?”

“How the hell are you supposed to be a star and sing in front of all those people when you make it big?”

I laughed as I roped my arm around her shoulder, and we walked. “You have way too much faith in my fake singing career.”

It took us a few minutes to make it to the studio.

There were different rooms set up, and some were in use, while the one I wanted was free.

Hitting the code, me and Greene grabbed some drinks from the kitchen, and I started messing with all the buttons and set the mood right.

When Greene held up a baggie with rolled spliffs, I was too excited and clapped my hands.

A girl needed to be high to do this again.

It was that damn Maliek Dubrow that had me inspired, and this was the perfect time to lay everything that was on my heart out.

My heart was hurting because a relationship ended that I never thought would.

Even when I sat up late with panic attacks because I never thought I could walk away from Antwan, I was here and breathing.

All the times I cried myself to sleep because something was missing.

There was a disconnect that I couldn’t figure out, and I knew it was God telling me it was time to walk away.

God made us uncomfortable, disconnected and confused before he told us to walk away.

Instead of focusing on what he was telling me, I wanted to do things my way.

It had been time to end a chapter with Antwan, and I held on.

Held on when I should have let him go so, I could grow.

Being apart from each other, I learned so much about myself.

I didn’t want to be a mother. I didn’t desire the life that every person felt a woman my age should.

I enjoyed traveling, pouring into my many hobbies and existing.

There was no rule book that said that I had to have a child.

Antwan thought it was a phase until he realized that I was serious.

Things shifted when he realized the life he wanted would never be.

I wouldn’t be pregnant and having all his children.

There was no way in hell I would be his wife, raising children while he could still follow his dreams. Being honest, I allowed too many I’m gonna trap you jokes slide.

After the first one, I should have been done and moved on, knowing I couldn’t give him what he desired.

Antwan wanted a big family like his parents had, and that wasn’t what I wanted.

I had little cousins, and that was enough for me. I’ve been around babies my entire life and didn’t feel the need to have children. Everyone always said you were different with your own, but I didn’t need to have my own to know if it would feel different.

Greene handed me a spliff, and I took a long pull as I messed with the buttons. She sat beside me, as I sat with one-foot tucked underneath me, in my zone. Leave it to her to remind me of something that I loved as much as reading. I had so many hobbies that I could never remain tied down to one.

A beat played, which I was almost sure was for someone else. I didn’t need the beat to keep, just to catch a vibe and unwind. I pulled my braids up in a bun and removed myself from my chair.

“We making diss tracks for niggas now!” Greene’s ass jumped up out the chair with her spliff in her hand.

I laughed. “Nah, we healing and moving on… letting the best kind of love find us,” I spoke from the booth. “Press the green button, please.”