Page 32

Navy BLEU

Children.

As I sat with my kindle in my hands, watching a woman carefully sit down across from me, with a new baby in the stroller beside her, I assumed she had just given birth.

She had become a mama, and I loved that for her.

She peeked over in the stroller with this look of pride on her face.

So proud that she had given life and contributed to adding to the human race.

As she adjusted herself, I could see she was in pain and was trying to breathe through it.

A man had come from the receptionist desk and had checked them in, and I assumed it was her child’s father.

He sat next to her and rubbed the small of her back, trying to make her as comfortable as possible.

They both took turns looking at their creation, and it warmed my heart.

She was less concerned about the pain she was in, and more concerned about the baby when it started to cry.

That was the thing about becoming a parent; it became less about you and more about the child.

I watched as she leaned on the chair she had just sat in and stood up to do the full checklist of things that could be wrong with the baby.

I knew early on in life that I never wanted to have children.

While Greene was obsessed with baby dolls, always toting them around, I never played with them.

The thought of being a mother to something, even a fake doll, irritated me.

I always knew that I wanted my life to be about me and only me.

You couldn’t do that when you had children.

Growing up, I watched my parents make my life their entire life. It wasn’t until now that I was grown that they were living for them. Doing what they wanted because I was grown. I knew that I wanted to be selfish. Every time my aunt or mother asked me if I would change my mind, I told them no.

I didn’t want children and that didn’t need a full breakdown or thesis for them to understand.

Well, my mother understood more than my aunt.

She couldn’t wrap her head around me being so young and knowing what I wanted.

My parents were never upset or mad because they would never have grandchildren because they respected my decision.

I’ve been from doctor to doctor since I was twenty, and each doctor denied me.

They told me they wouldn’t even consider removing my tubes until I had at least one child.

Some even went as far to mention how I was unmarried, and what if I found a husband that wanted children.

The hypotheticals were more important than what I wanted as a grown ass woman.

My hypothetical husband had more rights than I did, and that proved to me how fucked America was.

I filed complaints on both doctors because why would they ever play me like that?

If the doctors weren’t enough, my insurance company was the other problem. They refused to cover the procedure, not understanding why a young woman in her twenties, unmarried, without children would ever want to remove her tubes.

As if I wasn’t capable of making my own decisions and knowing what I wanted for my life. I saved the money for the procedure since I refused to be told no. This doctor was my last hope, and I prayed that she would do what the others wouldn’t.

I spent hours on the internet in different threads on websites and her name continued to come up. They spoke about how understanding she was to patients who wanted the same thing. I was nervous because I could walk out this appointment with the answer that I had been wanting for a while.

“Hey baby, sorry the train took forever.” My mother plopped down beside me and crossed her legs.

She was still dressed in her work clothes and tossed her purse onto the empty chair. “Mommy, what are you doing here?”

“If you thought I wouldn’t have come to this appointment, you’re nuts. This is important to you, so it’s important to me.”

I wanted to cry as I looked into my mother’s eyes. “What about you?”

I had a hard time with worrying about everyone else, except what I wanted. This was something that I wanted, but I couldn’t help but to think I was ruining my parents’ chance at becoming grandparents.

They’ve never expressed the desire to be grandparents, but what if they woke up one day and resented me because I never gave them any grandchildren? This decision didn’t only fuck with me; it fucked with their lives, too.

She grabbed my hand and rubbed the back of it.

“Me and your father will be alright if we don’t have grandchildren, Navy.

We made the decision to have a child, and I would have hated if that decision was ever taken from us.

You don’t want to have children and that is your right.

Who the hell are we to tell you what to do with your body? ”

“Thanks, Mommy.”

She lifted my hand and kissed the back of it a few times. “Anytime, baby. I do have one question, though.”

“Yes?”

“Have you had this conversation with Landon?”

“No.”

I wanted to tell Landon about me getting my tubes removed, and I was scared at the same time. What if he wanted to pause what we had going on because he wanted children? He was a billionaire, so I was sure he had to keep his bloodline going on.

Aside from that, maybe he wanted children. He seemed like he would want to celebrate Father’s Day and make little cute versions of himself. “I will eventually.”

“Baby, before either of your feelings get more invested, and your father takes another damn picture with that Bentley, you need to be honest and tell him what your plan has always been.”

Antwan never took the news well. Every denial was met with him smiling with joy because my plan wouldn’t come together. He was always open about wanting children, and how I was ruining his plans.

“Antwan is having a child.”

“He’s told me.”

I snapped my head in her direction. “He told you?”

She sighed. “Came by the house after you tossed him out. Said that he wanted it to come from him, and that he never meant to hurt you.”

“Fuck him,” I muttered.

“I told him about himself and sent him on his way. Love Antwan, but you not about to come and tell me you cheated and now you have a baby with the woman you cheated with. I wished him well and told him about himself in the same breath.”

I laughed. “He’s been calling me like crazy so we can talk and I’ve avoided him.”

My mother kissed my head. “You don’t have to answer to him at all. However, for closure, hear what he has to say and let him hear what you have to say. No screaming and hollering, just words and letting him know how you feel… then move on.”

“Navy Bleu Perkins.” I heard my name called and froze.

You ever wanted something so bad that you were scared? Not because you knew it was a mistake, but because you didn’t want to hear the wrong thing. I didn’t want to hear that no word. I purposely made my annual GYN appointment with her, so that we could discuss this, and I was afraid.

My mother pulled me up and we made our way to the back. The medical assistant asked a few questions, handed me a cup, and told me to undress from the waist down. Mommy assisted in the women’s tradition of hiding the panties in your clothes. As if they weren’t about to look into our entire inside.

There was a small bathroom right off the exam room, so I quickly peed in the cup, sat it on the sink and returned to the exam table. The nurse quickly came into the room to collect the cup, as me and my mother made small talk.

“You know your grandparents pushed up the birthday block party?”

“Nana told me.”

Since I was going out the country, my grandparents still wanted to throw me a party.

It was a tradition at this point and would feel weird if we didn’t have it.

I knew it was something my family looked forward to doing.

I needed something to take my mind off everything, and the party was the right thing to do that.

“Don’s birthday is this weekend. Did I ever tell you that?”

My mother snorted. “Yes, when you were drunkenly telling me that he was your soulmate because your birthdays were a few days apart,” she reminded me of our drunken night.

“Dang… we were tore up that night.”

“Yes, you both were. It was cute seeing you be silly again. You’ve been in your head the past year, babes. Don seems like a great man, and you light up whenever you see him.”

I blushed. “I do like him.”

“Uh huh. I know what those looks are. I give them to your father.”

I covered my ears. “Mommy, please!”

“What? How do you think you got here?” She continued to tease me as the doctor came into the room.

“Hi, Ms. Perkins. I’m Dr. Devoe,” she greeted me, and then looked over at my mom. “Hi, a friend?”

“That’s my mom.” I laughed.

“Gul, don’t be telling people I’m your mama. Let ‘em think I’m your fine friend.”

My mom and Dr. Devoe shared a laugh together. “I know that’s right.”

I looked over at the doctor as she walked toward the stool. Her long curly hair pinned back with a clip, her ebony skin glistened under the fluorescent lights, and the dress pants she wore hugged her curvy frame.

“Ms. Perkins?—”

“Navy,” I corrected her.

This doctor had my future in her hands, and I wanted her to see me as more than a young woman. I wanted her to see herself in me, what she would do if she was in my shoes. What she would have wanted or hoped from her doctor. Dr. Devoe wasn’t too much older than me.

“Navy,” she corrected. “Before we further talk about your decision, can you give me your reasons?”

“I don’t want children. I’ve never wanted children, and I have known that since I was young. As I’ve become older, I realized that I don’t desire to be someone’s mother. I love children, but I also love to give them back and spoil them.”

“Okay.”

“Are you gonna ask me about future hypothetical husbands?” I sulked, knowing that question was coming next.

She sat with her hands folded over the file and looked at me. “Why would I ask about what a man wants with your body?”