Page 26

Navy BLEU

Song recommendation: Listen to “Love In The Dark” by Adele

There were many things that I knew I would be doing this summer.

I had a whole plan on how I was going to live this summer and actually do things that I wanted to do.

One of those things I thought I would be doing was being there for Antwan.

Us having the summer to reconnect and get things back on track for our relationship.

It was stupid of me to think that we would make it work or even last, knowing how I felt about our relationship.

Even as I sat at my desk with my legs pulled to my chest playing Sims while watching the rain pour down outside my window, I didn’t expect this would be the end of me and Antwan.

I twirled one of my curls around my finger as I watched a mother holding her son’s hand and rushing across the street toward the bus.

She stood at the bus stop and wiped her son’s face and made sure that he was alright.

There was something therapeutic about the rain in the summer.

As I sat here, I watched everything happening on my block and smiled.

I had spent the past few days with Landon at his penthouse, and while his place was amazing, there was nothing like my home.

A space that was curated for me by me. Where I could exist and get lost in my own head without anyone being here.

As an only child, I had become comfortable being in my own space.

My parents worked, so when I came home from school, the house was usually empty, and it was just me until my mother came home.

I craved being alone and loved to be in my own space with my own thoughts.

I would be lying if there wasn’t a small piece of me that missed Landon and wanted him in my space, too.

The funny part was that we were the same person when it came to being alone.

He loved his solitude just as much as I did, but it felt nice being in his space with him.

He was used to shutting his office door and working alone, and I respected that because I was the same way.

For those few days, we could co-exist in each other’s space, and I didn’t feel overwhelmed or overstimulated, or the fleeting feeling of fleeing back home.

The only reason I came home was because my mom always said never overstay your welcome.

Landon had some business things to take care of, and he left me at his penthouse.

I packed my things and came home so I could wash my hair with my shampoos and conditioners and sit and unpack how I felt.

When I told myself I was going to enjoy the summer and live, I didn’t think that meant fucking a billionaire. That was the last thing that was on my mind when I first met Landon.

My door’s buzzer sounded, and I pulled my eyes away from people watching and looked at the door. Aside from my family, I never really had any visitors, so I quickly sprinted across my apartment toward the peephole.

Antwan was standing there with flowers in his hand, and my eyes nearly popped out with how hard I rolled them. I unlocked the locks and pulled the door opened, leaning on the door, not giving him access into my space.

“Hey.”

“What’s up, Navy? We need to talk…. feel like enough time went by.”

I felt sad.

There was a moment when my heart used to leap out of my chest for this man.

I became so excited and wanted to be in his skin.

A goofy smile would appear the minute that I saw him because he was love for me.

Every time he came onto my block, I would get all shy and nervous because Antwan was it for me.

He was familiar and reminded me so much of home.

Our families weren’t that different, and we were raised the same.

Everything that was happening for him was everything I always wanted for him.

All the late nights on the basketball courts running drills.

I used to bring him food my mom cooked for him to eat because he was so determined.

So driven and knew what he wanted, and being in Brooklyn forever wasn’t his dream.

He had witnessed our parents and family making nothing out of something, and he wanted better for his family.

He always planned our life and how he would enter the league, and he would marry me.

Take me away from Brooklyn and put me in a big house and fancy cars.

I never cared about any of that; I just wanted to be with the man I loved and follow my dreams, too.

Along the way, my dreams didn’t matter as much as his.

I became less important, always nagging, and swearing that I wanted to sabotage what he was trying to accomplish.

I wasn’t the girlfriend he used to brag about, call fifteen times a day, and make those same promises to.

Distance and time had changed us both. We weren’t the two kids that were both excited to be accepted into the same college.

Life happened.

Growth happened.

Finding my identity happened and realizing that I was someone outside of being Antwan’s girlfriend.

“Hey.” I allowed the long pause to simmer between us both. He held the flowers, growing nervous because I didn’t rush to welcome him in.

The girl across the hall came with her groceries and I opened the door wider to let him in. He stood by the door, looking around my apartment like he hadn’t been here in ages. When in reality, he had broken my heart as he sat at my desk after Don dropped me home that night.

Told me that we needed space and that we were growing in different directions. Though he wasn’t wrong. His decision didn’t come from sitting and thinking on it. It was something he had been wanting to do and didn’t have the heart or balls to do. Using the excuse of Don was perfect for him.

“What are the flowers for?”

He walked over into my kitchen; a place he had gone a million times and grabbed a vase from under the sink. “You, Nav. I wanted to check in on you.”

“I’m good.”

Filling the jar with water, he looked over at me. “I stopped by your parents’ house… where the fuck your father get a Bentley from?”

“A friend.”

“The same friend that dropped you off?”

I folded my arms again. “Yeah.”

“And you don’t see why I broke up with you?”

It was the way he said it that didn’t sit right with me. Like I was the reason for the fallout of our relationship, and I should have been trying to fix things between us. As if I should have been lucky that I was even in a relationship with him.

“Antwan, you broke up with me and you are here with flowers. As much as it hurt to end things, it was needed.”

“Rather than fix things, you want to end shit like we haven’t grown up together.”

“Yeah, we grew up. That’s the reason this isn’t working. Who I was then, I’m not her anymore.”

“Is it him?”

“Why does that matter? You’ve been out on dates and pictured in the media with Mila, and I’ve never said anything about it.”

“You just said something.”

“Grow up, Ant. I only mentioned her because you’re asking me about someone you think I’m seeing.”

Me and Landon were having fun with no strings attached. Although, I think we were slowly failing at our own plan of being strangers with no attachments.

“I was fucking with Mila before moving back to New York,” he admitted, and my chest shattered.

My head felt light as I looked at him with tears in my eyes. I didn’t think I would give a damn about anything that would fall out his mouth. He looked down at his sneakers and then over at me.

“Why tell me now?”

“You deserved to know, Nav. I was caught up in the attention at college, and Mila came for some campus party, and we hooked up. I felt so fucking guilty, which is why I told you not to come for Thanksgiving last year when I couldn’t make it home.”

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Antwan told me that he wasn’t going to be able to come home for Thanksgiving.

I didn’t want him to spend the holidays alone.

I booked my expensive ass ticket and couldn’t wait to surprise him.

I don’t know if he sensed it, but he called and told me not to come and visit.

He claimed he needed to catch up on schoolwork and me being there would be a distraction to him.

I canceled my flight and never showed up.

“Was she there?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

He tried to walk closer to me, and I backed away, bumping into my laundry basket. “I gave everything I had in me. Tried to learn how to love you and support you even though our life plans didn’t go as planned. When you purposely tried to trap me, I forgave you.”

“Nutting in my girlfriend isn’t fucking trapping you, Navy.” He had the same ass argument.

“When I said I don’t want any kids, you are trapping me. When you are taking your own wants above mine, that is trapping me.”

He sighed. “Mila is pregnant.”

It was like he wanted to keep hurting me. To keep me humbled and to make sure I knew that he had the power to bring me to my knees. I wished I could say his words and admissions of guilt didn’t bother me, but I would be lying to myself and him.

I picked up my boot and launched it at his head, hitting him right in the face. His hand flew to his face as he looked over at me in horror. “What the fuck?”

“Get the fuck out of my house… get the fuck out of my life and forget we ever shared anything!” I screamed, picking up the other one and tossing it at his torso.

“I wanted this shit with you, Navy! Wanted to have kids, the marriage and life with you. You so fucking head strong and independent that you never allowed that to happen.”

Snatching vinyl, I tossed them at him as he scurried to the door. “You wanted those things… you wanted everything to be on your terms, never mine. Get the fuck out my life, Antwan!” I screamed, with tears flowing down my face.