Page 5

5

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Alex

On Saturday, I paced through the apartment like a caged animal. It had been a while since I spent time at home, as I was usually occupied with Livio. I kept checking my phone, although I didn’t know why. Maybe I hoped Livio would call for a small party. That would have saved my day because I felt like I was just hanging in the air.

Grocery shopping, which most normal people do on this day, wasn’t necessary for me since the housekeeper Luzia took care of it during the week. And the apartment was already cleaned and spotless. When I accidentally spilled juice and wiped it up, it had a calming effect on me. It was good to know what to do in such situations. At least I could do something productive and serve a purpose.

I was even glad that Noé was already gone because if he had seen me in this state, completely out of sorts, it wouldn’t have left a good impression at all.

Wait, what?

Yet, of course, I was always careful to make a good impression and deliver high-quality work, which helped me land the big contracts. Even though the shoots for the architecture firms were not as significant compared to the prestigious brands and renowned magazines, I had them secured as long as construction was ongoing.

Yes, I was reliable, but it came with a pressure that I could only shed at Livio’s on weekends. And yesterday, Noé had stood in for that, so I should be indifferent to what he thought of me.

I let out a frustrated sigh and sat down on the couch.

Then why am I not indifferent?

It was a question my therapist often asked me.

It’s just fucking irrelevant.

But unfortunately, it wasn’t irrelevant to me. And I also knew why.

I liked Noé.

How pathetic. It was just a one-time fuck. Nothing more.

I didn’t even have his number. As long as I stayed away from Hyde on Fridays, we would never see each other again.

The architects can manage if I don’t show up there anymore .

Restlessly, I stood up again, retreated to the kitchen, and opened the fridge. Was I hungry? Or not? No idea. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. But it felt like I had a ticking bomb inside me, and sitting around doing nothing only made me even more nervous.

As I stared into the fridge, my thoughts drifted back to Noé. I liked his slim figure, but I wondered if he ate enough. I also liked his long hair, numerous tattoos, and captivating smile. His confident demeanor was almost overpowering. I pondered about the color of his eyes. The light was never bright enough to see them.

It was comforting to know that I still had the opportunity to see him again if I wanted to, which helped me calm down. Does he want to see me again? Although he seemed open to anything and anyone—even for sexual practices—that didn’t necessarily mean it was true. Maybe he was just polite?

I grabbed a beer and closed the fridge. Lost in thought, I approached the window with a view of the city and took a big gulp. As I stood there, something made me pause. Maybe it was the position of the sun, but I went to the table and glanced at my phone. It was just before noon.

Good Lord! You’re starting to drink this early now.

Shaking my head, I left the beer and disappeared into the bathroom. A hot shower would do me good. This time, I used the bathroom in the bedroom and took extra time—just like Noé did last night.

What was he doing here?

Okay, he washed his hair, which probably took longer for him than it did for me.

With only a towel around my hips, I stood in front of the closet and selected fresh clothes when I heard my phone ringing. I rushed to the dining table. It might be Livio. Maybe he’s still planning a session. My heart was already racing as I reached for the phone, not paying attention to whose name was on the screen.

“Yeah?”

“Hello? Alex?”

“Oh, hi, Corinne.” It was hard to keep the disappointment out of my voice, and my mother noticed it right away.

“Oh, hi, Corinne?” she mimicked, then laughed. “Who were you expecting?”

“Sorry. I ... Hello. How are you?” I returned to the bedroom and picked out my clothes.

“Good, and you? It’s quite a surprise to catch you answering the phone. Usually, you disappear on weekends.”

“Yeah, there was a change of plans.” I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s up?”

“I met up with Vivi for coffee yesterday. She told me that Chris hired you for a concert?”

“Yeah, but it’s not a real job. More like a favor.”

“That’s great! I was already happy to hear that you still keep in touch.”

“We’re not really,” I replied, pushing my wet hair back. “He called me. That’s all.”

“By the way, I found the old Rolleiflex. And there were five films with it.”

I laughed. “And where did you find it?”

“It was wrapped in my ski jacket.” My mother laughed too. “No idea how it got there. I guess I won’t be wearing it anymore.”

“I understand.”

“But the camera is still good. The lenses are clean, and there are no scratches. I can bring it over to you.”

“Yes, that would be great. Although I’m pretty busy for the next few weeks. I have to go to Geneva, Bern, and eventually to Ticino.”

“I’m on vacation next week anyway. Markus and I are going to Lake Como.”

“That’s nice.”

I was happy for my mother. She had been through enough. Even though I wasn’t entirely on the same wavelength with Markus, I was glad Corinne found him. He was a good man, loved her, and treated her with a lot of respect. Plus, he had enough money himself, so he wasn’t interested in my mother’s family fortune.

“I’ll come by afterward. It doesn’t matter if you’re not there. I have a key and can just leave the camera at the entrance for you.”

“Yeah, that’s good. Thanks.”

“We’re leaving right now. Have a nice weekend!”

“Thanks! Have fun at Lake Como.”

I hung up and remained sitting on the bed for a moment. Would I ever go on vacation with a partner? I doubted it. After everything that had happened, I still had enough to deal with myself. It would have been irresponsible to burden someone else with me. Noé had a nose for that; otherwise, he probably wouldn’t have left so early.

I smiled and got dressed, but then stopped. Just the thought of Noé caused me to feel ... happy?

Oh God! Get a grip. My brain is playing tricks on me.

Usually, I was at Livio’s from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. There, it was just about fucking and consuming. The Monday after was pure hell, the come-down was horror, and I didn’t feel like myself until Tuesday. Fortunately, I was self-employed and had the opportunity to do administrative work from home on Mondays.

Once dressed, I returned to the living room, where the beer was still on the table. It was still cool, so I grabbed the bottle and went to the large window to drink.

The inner tension was still there, and it annoyed me. I wasn’t an addict! Livio mentioned something about a company trip to the Baltic. And just because one party fell through, I wouldn’t go crazy. With Noé, I had indeed proven to myself that I was still completely normal—although I couldn’t remember ever having a one-night stand. My fears had always been too great that I might lose control. But with Noé, it turned out to be much easier than I had imagined.

Well, apart from the asthma attack. That hadn’t been particularly elegant of me. It was nice of Noé to ask how I was feeling—he didn’t have to do that.

What is he doing right now?

Playing music?

A smile crept onto my face once again. Damn it! I desperately needed to get my mind off this. What happened with Noé was a one-time thing. Next weekend, I would be back with Livio.

But until then, I should make sure to use my time wisely, or I’ll go crazy here.

After I dialed the number to a local Thai restaurant and ordered Pad Kra Pao, I opened my laptop. If there was anything that could distract me, it was work. I checked my emails and was glad to receive confirmation of the job in Bern. I immediately contacted the two models I had recruited for the photoshoot. I then sent invoices, maintained contact with two major clients, and confirmed three orders from architects. Eventually, the doorbell rang and the food arrived.

A little later, I sat with a cola in front of my empty plate and gazed out at the rooftops of Zurich. The weather was beautiful. The sun was shining in the steel-blue sky, although autumn was beginning to replace the warm season. It was a typical Saturday, with people strolling along the river, shopping in the city center, or meeting friends in cafes.

My mood was on the verge of taking a nosedive, so I got up, put the dirty dishes in the kitchen, and retreated to the darkroom. I still had two rolls of film that needed to be developed.

Even though it wouldn’t be as easy as I hoped, I would spend the rest of the weekend like a normal person. At least as normal as I could be. No drugs and no sex. Just me and photography—in my apartment.

But I wasn’t immune to my confused thoughts about Noé. As I stood with the tongs in front of the developer tray and watched the image of the arrogant surgeon emerge, I found myself wondering again what Noé was doing. I had to admit, he had much more charisma than this doctor.

Maybe I should have photographed him.