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Alex

I barely closed my eyes and tossed and turned all night. Not knowing where Noé was after being so close to him tore me apart. I kept checking my phone repeatedly and cursed at Juri. He was probably partying carefree all night, not giving a second thought to Noé. If Tom hadn’t told me that the concert ultimately happened thanks to him, I would have probably spent the whole night wandering around looking for Noé.

On Sunday, I stood by the window, already drinking my third coffee, watching thick flakes fall from the sky. The roofs were white, and the sky was slate gray. It was the perfect day to stay in bed and binge-watch Netflix all day, but I was so wired up that I could probably have run a marathon.

When my phone vibrated, I nearly dropped the cup. I rushed to the dining table and checked my messages.

“Has he contacted you yet?” Tom asked.

“No.”

“He will.”

Unless Noé talks him out of it , I thought worriedly.

I went to the living room and plopped onto the sofa. It was almost noon, and even though I knew I was overreacting, I toyed with the idea of calling Juri. But I didn’t want to be a nuisance either, so I just looked at his profile picture. In the photo, Juri’s pale face was mostly covered by a hoodie, and the only thing visible in the dark photo was the silver lip piercing. In white font were the words: “orders please.”

With Noé’s profile, there was more to see, namely himself. His photo was mesmerizing because the longer I looked at it, the more it revealed a side of him that I had hardly seen before. The side he so often masked with his charm and his captivating smile.

I wonder who took the picture?

As I went back to the chat history, I noticed that the two ticks were still not turning blue.

And it was me who showed him that damn privacy setting.

Did he even read my message?

My phone suddenly vibrated, and a message from Juri came in.

“He’s here. You can come by. But you don’t need to hurry. He’ll probably sleep for a while longer. Call me when you’re downstairs at the entrance.”

I jumped up immediately, grabbed my jacket, wallet, and car keys, and ran out of the apartment. There was no way I was going to wait any longer.

With hardly any traffic, it didn’t take me ten minutes to get there. And luckily, I found a parking spot right in front of the address Juri gave me. I was still sitting in the car when an older man came out of the house, supported by three Latinas in skimpy miniskirts. The man said goodbye to the ladies and staggered away. Uncertain if I was in front of the right house, I leaned forward and scrutinized the building.

Erotic World.

What the ...?

I reached for my phone and dialed Juri’s number.

“Are you already here?” he yawned on the other end.

“I’m not sure. I’m standing here in front of a brothel.”

“Then come up. Fourth floor.”

I rolled my eyes, got out, and locked the car. The front door was open, and with a slight feeling of unease, I stepped inside. On my way up, I tried to ignore the moans that echoed through the stairwell.

Where am I?

Juri leaned against a doorway and gestured for me to be quiet while pointing to another door. I followed his lead and entered the apartment without making a sound. Once inside, he shut the door behind us.

“You live here?” I asked, horrified.

Juri shrugged. “It’s clean.”

I knew I was very spoiled when it came to my living situation, but as I looked around, a cold shiver ran down my spine. It was cramped, cold, and in desperate need of renovation. The walls were covered in peeling plaster, and there were plenty of cracks and holes in the brick floor. The sound of dripping water echoed through the room.

Juri opened a door. “Like I said, you didn’t have to hurry. He won’t wake up anytime soon. He’s in a coma. If you need anything ... There’s the kitchen, and my room is one further down.”

With a yawn, he disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me by myself.

For a moment, I stood in the hallway and looked into an empty room. The shutters were closed, but the slats were slightly open, so there was dim light in the room. Hesitantly, I entered. It wasn’t until I closed the door behind me that I spotted Noé.

He was lying on a mattress facing the wall, using his backpack as a pillow and his parka as a blanket. On the worn parquet floor stood a half-full bottle of Jack Daniel’s and an empty glass. And right next to them lay an empty packet of pills.

Oh, man ...

I knelt down beside the bed and leaned over him. Gently, I brushed his hair away from his face. Sweat glistened on his skin, and the bruise around his eye had turned a slightly yellowish hue. He was completely out of it, not even noticing I was there.

I removed my coat and hung it on the door hook. Carrying the bottle, glass, and empty packet of pills, I went into the kitchen. Juri stood there, smoking and lost in thought, not even looking up when I placed the bottle beside the sink.

“What’s this?” I asked, pushing the empty packet toward him.

He took it in his hand and read the name on the back. “Some kind of benzos,” he replied, stubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray.

“Should he go to the hospital?”

“Just let him sleep it off.”

“He’s running a fever.”

“He’ll be okay.”

The sleepless night was written all over Juri’s face, and his black hair was tousled in all directions. He wore a faded black hoodie and pushed back a few strands as I noticed the long scar on his neck.

What the ...?

Ping! The toaster popped out two slices, and the warm smell of bread filled the kitchen. Juri put them on a plate and silently left the kitchen with a knife and a jar of honey.

I dipped a kitchen towel in water and returned to Noé. Gently, I dabbed the sweat from his forehead, hoping to lower his fever. I considered calling an ambulance, but as long as he was breathing, maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.

I sat down beside him on the mattress, leaning against the wall, and let Tom know I was here. We exchanged a few messages, which calmed me down, given the situation. Eventually, Noé stirred and rolled onto his other shoulder. When he put his arm around me, pressing his forehead against my thigh and holding onto me tightly, I slid down to him. A warm wave washed over me as he draped his leg over mine and replaced his pillow for my shoulder. I placed the backpack under my neck, wrapped my arm around Noé, and drew him closer to me.

As much as the moment hurt, I didn’t want to give up a second of it ever again. It wasn’t happiness I felt, but a deep connection. Of course, the skeptic in me chimed in, trying to convince me that it was all a figment of my imagination. But the longer Noé rested with me, the more certain I was that all those moments we had together were indeed real. Even the brief moment yesterday before Noé stormed out of the backstage area.

Yet I released my hold on him when he stirred on my chest and gradually regained consciousness. I didn’t know how aware he was of snuggling up to me. This thought wasn’t unfounded either, because as soon as he noticed me, he recoiled, sat up, and moved away from me. His breath caught as he stared at me for a while, realizing what was going on. His grip on my stomach tightened, and he clung to my shirt. But then he let out a loud exhale and rubbed his face. Too exhausted to resist the situation, he let his head droop weakly.

“Come here.” I gave him a gentle smile and indicated with my open arms that it was okay to lie back down with me.

He hesitated, but his weariness prevailed, and he sank back against my shoulder. Tenderly, I held him tight and kissed his hair. I felt his muscles tense slightly, and he clung to me again.

“My mother’s dead.”

His voice was barely a whisper and sounded so fragile. No one would have ever thought that he was the one who had screamed his soul out on stage last night.

“I’m sorry,” I replied.

Noé wiped away a tear and tried to turn away from me, but I didn’t let him go. He struggled but had no strength, so ultimately he had no choice but to cry on my chest.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, stroking his head. “She was still your mother, despite everything.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“That I didn’t tell you the truth.”

I wasn’t sure if I understood what he meant. I had been just as much of a mess in the past few weeks, trying to convince everyone that everything was fine.

“Sometimes there’s no room for the truth,” I said, kissing him on the damp cheek.

“But you deserved to know.”

I bit my bottom lip, feeling helpless because it was exactly the same the other way around. “My father …” I started, taking a deep breath before continuing. “He was into boys. I was eleven when he came into my room one night and abused me.”

Noé held onto my arm as if he wanted to give me strength. “This is bad,” he muttered.

“The next day … that’s when I found him. He had hanged himself. After that, everything went downhill. I still dream about that night ... what he did to me. But what was really bad was when I realized I was gay. Everything somehow got mixed up in my head. I was so afraid of becoming like him that at some point it all became too much for me and I wanted to take my own life out of desperation. But I caught myself again, and for a few years now, I truly believe everything is fine. Until I was supposed to do this report on chemsex parties and ended up with Livio. And before I knew it, I had a relapse.”

“I’m sorry for that.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “It happened so quickly that I didn’t even realize what was happening to me. Little by little, the doors to old memories open in my head. And then my mother came with this damn confession. When she found out something was wrong, she gave my father a reprieve. If he didn’t have these, he would never have come to my room that night. I didn’t know that until now, and she told me about it pretty bluntly.”

“You were in the hospital,” Noé murmured against my shoulder.

“Yeah, I had respiratory depression.”

“Was it my fault?”

“No ... well ... maybe a little,” I replied with a smile.

But he didn’t find it funny at all and clung even tighter to me.

“I’ve got myself back under control,” I stated, caressing his head. “I’ve been able to work through a lot in the past few weeks. By now, I’ve almost sorted out all my crap again, except for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“You.” I was hoping he’d finally look at me, but he just hid more. “Noé, please, come home with me.”

I felt him stiffen in my arms. With great effort, he pulled away from me, sat with his back against the wall, and wiped his watery eyes.

“For a night? No, thanks, I’d rather stay here.”

Surprised, I sat up. “Not for a night. Move in with me.”

I could practically see the icy armor forming around him, his gaze becoming more defensive.

“Are you crazy? Or back on drugs?” As harsh as the words were, his voice sounded tired and broken.

“Pot calling the kettle black,” I retorted. “No, I’m clean. And I’ll stay that way. No more parties.”

“And you want me as your sex slave?” he asked, dead serious but completely emotionless.

I sighed internally, feeling hurt and sad that he thought that way. “I want to be with you, Noé. I’ve fallen in love with you. Forgotten already?”

“That’s bullshit!” he snapped.

“What do I have to do to earn your trust?”

In an instant, his expression changed. He looked overwhelmed and confused. It was clear he was battling an inner turmoil. His breath hitched, and he pressed his lips together. My gaze fell on his battered hand with bloody knuckles. Witnessing the intensity of his anger as he punched the wall sent a shiver down my spine. Noé appeared completely bewildered and lost, which brought a smile to my face.

“You’re cute when you’re at a loss,” I said.

“Why are you here? In this dump? You shouldn’t be here. I’m a damn bum. Do you get off on helping someone in need? It would never end well.”

With a scrutinizing look, I tried to see through his mask. “And if it did? Wouldn’t that be nice?” Every word seemed to irritate him, and I saw the thick wall around him starting to crumble. “I want you around me. And I know you want that too.”

“I have no idea how that’s supposed to work.”

“I can show you. But only if you want it.”

He shook his head tiredly and glanced at the door. “You know, I would have stormed out of here long ago if I wasn’t so hungover.”

I laughed. “But you’re still here. With me.”

Noé hung his head and breathed heavily. “How do you imagine this? I don’t have money for rent.”

“You don’t need to pay anything. I said I have a spare room.”

“That won’t work.”

Despite his tough exterior, I refused to give up. “Do you like me?”

Noé struggled with himself until he finally nodded. “But I can’t. You’ll soon realize you’ve made a mistake with me. And then you’ll hate me.”

“Why would I do that? No. That won’t happen.”

“You can’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re the reason I’ve managed to stay on track for the past four weeks and stay clean. You’ve embedded yourself in every fiber of my being. Everything I’ve done in the past few weeks, I’ve done for you. And now I want to give something back to you. I love you, Noé. Please, let me help you. I can’t stand seeing you like this. Especially not when you go home with others just for a warm bed.”

With that, I hit a sore spot, and as Noé hung his head and started trembling all over, it felt like someone was stabbing a knife into my heart. I wanted to hold him in my arms again right away, but it felt like an entire ocean lay between us.

“I ... I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “I ... didn’t mean to ...”

Noé wiped away a tear and sniffled. “You knew?”

“I just put two and two together.”

He rested his elbows on his knees and covered his face with both hands. “She used to take me out on the streets at night to hustle. And when she found a customer, I had to wait outside until she came back. If I didn’t, she’d beat me at home. I often thought about running away, but I’d spent so many nights outside in the cold that I was too scared to live entirely on the streets. So, I started ... I never did it for money,” he said, wiping his cheeks dry and looking up at me. “That’s not who I am.”

“I know.”

“And yet ... all I need is a bed.”

“No, Noé, you need more than just a bed.”

He tried to pull the thick wall around him back up with a humorless laugh and snorted dismissively. “And what would that be?”

“Affection. Love. Security.”

The words seeped into him as he stared into space for a moment. Before his facade completely collapsed, he shook his head. “Just forget it.”

“No. I’m not leaving here without you.”

“I’d just be a parasite.”

“So am I,” I replied. “My mother’s family is swimming in money. And since my grandfather died, I’ve been getting money from a trust fund every month. I had to invest it somehow, so I bought the apartment. In that sense, I’m just as much of a parasite. But ultimately, it’s this apartment that keeps me going. It’s a kind of safe haven. And if I can share it with you, it makes me even happier because I’m sure it can be a place for you to finally find peace. So, move in with me. I can’t stand seeing you like this any longer.”

Noé remained silent, so I reached out my hand, touched his neck, and brushed his cheek with my thumb. Once he turned his gaze toward me, I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. Then I rested my forehead against his and slid my hand into his neck.

“I’m not the wrong choice,” I whispered and kissed him again. “And neither are you. Understand?”

He nodded against my forehead and stared into my eyes. The deep blue drew me in like a magnet. With tenderness, I stroked his temple and nudged my nose against his. When the hint of a smile crossed his face, I hugged him, kissing him passionately. I wanted him to know I was serious because I wanted to be there for him; after all, unknowingly, he had been there for me too.

As he wrapped his arms around me, it felt like I was lifted by a breeze. Feeling him hold onto me as if I were his last lifeline filled me with a happiness I had never experienced before.

“Don’t mess with me,” he whispered against my neck.

“Never. And now come on. Let’s get out of here.” I stood up and put on my coat again, but he just sat there. “What’s wrong?”

Noé glanced around somewhat embarrassed. “I can’t get up on my own.”

A weight lifted off my racing heart, knowing that was all it was. I was afraid he was going to back out again. Like a little boy, I helped him put on his jacket, put his arm over my shoulder, and helped him to his feet. “Is that all your stuff?” I asked, nodding toward his backpack.

He nodded, appearing a bit dazed. Standing upright again obviously affected his circulation. “Yeah, but there ... are a few things in the old apartment … my late mother’s apartment.”

“Then we’ll go get them.”

“No. I’ll do it myself. Someday. There are too many bad memories there.”

“Okay.” I didn’t like it, but somehow I also understood that this was a part of his life he might not be ready to share with me yet.

As we stepped into the hallway, Juri’s room door opened. He must have heard us. He leaned against the door frame with his shoulder and pushed his black hair back.

“You’re leaving?”

“Yes. Thanks, Juri-Rock.”

“It’s okay, Stoney. See you.”

They hugged warmly, giving me a moment to take another look at this Juri. He seemed distant and cold in the kitchen earlier, but now, as he hugged Noé, he radiated warmth. He reluctantly let go of Noé and kissed him on the cheek.

“See you later,” Noé said, affectionately tousling Juri’s disheveled hair. “Be careful out there. And call me if anything happens.”

Juri nodded curtly and escorted us to the door. Once we were in the stairwell, I couldn’t resist.

“Juri-Rock? Stoney?”

“Yeah, tough as nails, nothing can kill us,” he explained, while he descended the stairs next to me, panting. “We’ve known each other for a long time; we’ve been through hell together. He’s like my brother.”

“That’s nice,” I replied, unable to help but wonder what emotional baggage Juri was carrying around.

We left the house, and I helped Noé into the car. As I walked around my car, a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. The tightness around my chest loosened, and I felt like I could breathe properly for the first time in a long time.

Noé was beyond exhausted. As I sat behind the wheel, he leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. I couldn’t imagine how he was feeling right now. I wanted to ask him, but he needed to rest. The main thing was that he was with me now.