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Alex

Something felt different when I rang Livio’s doorbell on Friday. I didn’t know if it was good or bad. Good, perhaps in the sense that I was glad to be back here. Bad because after a tiring week, I was drained and exhausted, and after last night with Noé, I couldn’t shake the feeling of betraying him. I could have spent an evening alone at home, relaxing and unwinding, but I was on edge and yearned for what I could get at Livio’s place.

“Alex! Come in! Nice to see you!” Livio’s greeting was as warm as ever, and by now, I had also gotten used to him giving me a kiss on the cheek. The first time I came here for the reportage, he had done the same, which had left me more than bewildered.

“You bleached your hair,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth when I saw his hydrogen-blond mop of hair. His olive-green eyes shone even brighter because of it.

“Yeah, baby!” he said with a wide grin and closed the door behind me.

“Looks good.”

“Glad you like it. I’d be devastated if you didn’t find me sexy anymore because of it.”

Sexy? I had never associated that word with Livio. He had a certain attraction to me and was hotter than some of the others who had come and gone here. But sexy was someone like Noé, who moved like a panther and left me speechless with just a glance.

“There are only four of us tonight.”

Livio took my jacket and led me into the living room. Philippe was sitting there, preparing a few lines, and greeted me with a cheerful hello-o. Before he returned to the coke, he tucked a dark brown strand behind his ear and rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. He had been here for a while.

“This is Michael,” Livio introduced me to the slender man sitting on the sofa, who politely greeted me.

It was never easy for me when there was a new face around. The phase where you tried to figure out how people ticked always gave me great trouble. I would have preferred to skip that altogether, but unfortunately, it was part of the game if I wanted to continue being here. And I did. I had found a place with Livio where I could freely indulge my urges and leave the past behind. But something about Michael seemed odd to me, so I sat down next to Philippe and left the empty seat next to Michael for Livio. That way, I could still observe him a bit, which the newcomer was doing as well. He even eyed me with apparent interest.

Michael was nearing fifty, which didn’t sit right with me. It wasn’t him specifically, but older men generally made me suspicious. I just tended to prefer younger ones. Philippe was almost two years younger than me to the day, and Livio was thirty-two; I was fine with that. But Michael already had gray hair starting to show, and he reminded me ... No! Suddenly, I saw it. The high cheekbones, the bushy brows, the build of a sprinter. He looked like my father.

Oh no, this is not good .

I could practically feel a storm brewing.

Not good at all.

In seconds, I tried to remember what I had learned in all those years of therapy, but my mind blanked out.

Just ignore him. Livio and Philippe are here, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to .

“How was your week?” Livio asked as he sat down on the sofa covered with a white sheet, gesturing for me to help myself.

I poured myself a hefty glass of vodka and took a sip. “Good. And exhausting. How about you guys?”

“Had a fight with my boss,” Philippe said, leaning forward and preparing a line.

“You did what?” Livio asked, horrified.

Philippe rubbed his nose and stretched his neck from side to side. My gaze fell on his muscular biceps.

“Who won?” I asked, taking another sip.

Michael laughed.

“No, no, no,” Livio interjected. “You can’t ask him that.”

“I won,” Philippe declared solemnly, leaning back with legs spread wide and arms on the back of the sofa. I only needed to lean back, and he could have put his arm around me. “Broke his nose.”

“That was probably beneficial for your cooperation,” Michael said.

A shiver ran down my spine when I heard his distinctive voice. It sounded strong and energetic.

Just like his .

I felt a slight constriction in my chest, and my pulse quickened. But I didn’t want that, so I tried to see Michael as he was. After all, his smile wasn’t unsympathetic. And upon closer inspection, he didn’t look bad either. He wore his hair short, and his build reminded me a bit of Noé.

Philippe handed me the rolled-up note, and I knelt on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table.

“No,” Philippe said and began to massage my shoulder. “Wasn’t beneficial. He naturally kicked me out. Fired me on the spot. But I’ll find something else.”

“What do you do?” Michael asked.

“Carpenter. And you?”

“I’m a banker at a private bank. And you, Alex?”

“Photographer,” I replied shortly, leaning forward and snorting up the coke.

As if the weight of life were lifting off me, a feeling of strength spread through me. Philippe’s kneading fingers on my neck sent a pleasant shiver down my body and made me feel like I had just arrived. I took another sip of vodka and turned to Philippe. By now, his legs were spread so wide that I was sitting between them. My eyes landed on the bulge in his pants.

“Do you want to start with me?” he asked with a suggestive smile.

I placed a hand on his thigh and moved it upward. “I could do that.” There was a twitch in Philippe’s pants, and the bulge grew larger.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Alex.”

Before my hand reached his crotch, I pulled it back and sat back next to him. “You’ll have to wait a little longer for that.”

“Oh ... come on!” Philippe exclaimed disappointedly, and we all laughed.

I took off my glasses, scrubbing my eyes and nose with my knuckles. My whole body tingled, and as much as I wanted to pounce on Philippe right away, I loved making him wait. He needed it, and he liked it. Being dominated turned him on. At the same time, it gave me a sense of control. And that’s what I needed. Plus, the whole weekend was still ahead of us. I wasn’t in a hurry at all.

“Come to me,” Livio said to Philippe. “We can warm up a bit.”

Philippe didn’t need to be told twice and crawled on all fours to Livio. The two started making out and undressing each other. I loved watching it and enjoyed every moment of it.

At some point, Michael sat next to me, moved closer so that our thighs touched, and gently stroked my arm. “Don’t you want to join in a bit?”

My body felt paralyzed in an instant, leaving me breathless. However, Michael interpreted my shortness of breath as an invitation and started unbuttoning my shirt.

“Come on. Let’s make you a bit more comfortable.”

I allowed him to take off my shirt and yelled at myself to get it together. This was how things worked here. Everything was perfectly normal. Except ...

Michael leaned forward, kissed my nipples, and at the same time, stroked my thigh. I forced my brain to think of something else. Noé . Imagining him in my mind made me forget everything for a moment and enjoy the touches.

Until Michael let his hand glide over my back and slid it into my pants. “I’ll show you what real fun is.”

Something exploded in my head.

“No matter what happens, Alex, you have to know one thing, I love only you. Only you. No one else. No matter what people say.” His hand gently stroked my back and into my pants. “I want to show you how much I love you, Alex.” He pushed it further until I felt his finger between my buttocks.

“I do not want that. Dad, please, stop.”

“Come on. I’ll show you how much I love you. You’ll see, it’s really fun. And you love me too, don’t you?”

“Yes but …”

“Well then, everything’s fine,” he said, pressing his finger harder against me.

I tore myself away from Michael and jerked back abruptly. But it was too late. The black wave rolled ominously toward me, and the knot in my chest tightened.

“Sorry,” Michael said, raising his hands in a calming gesture. “I thought you were ...”

I gasped, unable to breathe.

“Are you okay?”

“I ... Oh damn it.” I got up and staggered to the coat rack by the entrance where my jacket hung. From the side pocket, I pulled out the inhaler and disappeared into the restroom. Inhaling a strong pump relieved the tightness in my throat, but the panic remained. And so did the memories.

The images from that night piled up in my mind and exploded into a lightning storm. Hot and cold sensations alternated. I felt the thorn within me, piercing me from below. His hands, wrapping around me from behind, his stomach against my back, the heat, the increasingly rapid thrusts, and his panting right next to my ear.

My whole body trembled, and I felt sick. Everything became too much. I fell to my knees and vomited into the toilet.

Damn, this isn’t good! Not good at all!

As much as I recoiled from it, it had a somewhat cleansing effect. My muscles relaxed, the trembling subsided, and my pulse calmed down again.

“Alex! My goodness!” Livio placed a caring hand on my back and crouched down beside me. “What’s wrong?”

I spat out and swallowed hard. “Just ... a reaction,” I lied.

“Do you need anything?”

“Maybe a toothbrush?”

Livio laughed. “You’re in luck. I can provide that. And afterward, I’ll make sure you relax. You seem a bit tense today.”

I nodded and accepted the toothbrush, still wrapped in cellophane, along with a small tube of toothpaste.

“They handed them out on the plane,” he said, winking at me. “Take your time. We’ll wait for you.”

Still breathing heavily, I sat down on the toilet lid and rubbed my face. Michael had opened a box that I had thought was locked away, hidden from the world. It wasn’t even his touch that threw me off so much. It was his words, still wailing like sirens in my head, refusing to fade away. They triggered images I wanted to forget. And despite years of therapy, I couldn’t manage to apply any of the strategies I had learned back then. My mind was just empty.

And as if I weren’t already disoriented enough, my thoughts drifted to Noé. Contrary to my expectations, he had a soothing effect on me. Last night was incredibly beautiful. I loved having him around. And I was grateful that fate had brought us together in this way. Just the thought of his smile calmed me. He was always so confident, seeming invincible. He was like a rock I wanted to cling to. Because somehow, I was sure he could save me from being swept away by the black wave again.

I straightened up and cleared my throat. In one hand, I still held the inhaler, and the packaged toothbrush in the other. My mouth was completely dry from the medication, so I gathered myself and brushed my teeth in the sink.

For a while, I stared at myself in the mirror, observing my bare chest and the long scar on my forearm. It had been so long ago, and the desperate person I had been then seemed so far away. But the memories drew my thoughts in like a magnet.

As if it were yesterday, I saw the green-striped bedspread before my eyes. The small orange lamp sat on the nightstand, and his scent wafted into my nose.

I hugged myself tightly and fought against the shuddering. Against the disgust and the fear that came over me.

No, you’re not going back there. You’re not that person anymore. You’ve overcome the past.

Maybe I can distract myself with Noé?

But when I tried to hold onto his face, his smile twisted into a wicked grin and mocked me mercilessly. I leaned forward and splashed water on my face.

Stop thinking about him! He’s just fooling around with the Lighteners, and he’ll go home with some other guy afterward. Chris must have been telling the truth about that. And the way Marco talked about Noé’s reputation ... Damn it! Noé didn’t even make an effort to defend himself! He just smirked suggestively! He was probably only with me because he wanted to fuck ...

I paused and straightened my shoulders.

No, we didn’t just fuck. Somehow, he even seemed relieved after we ...

For a moment, I didn’t know what to think, but thoughts of Noé had just pushed out all the others—and for that, I was grateful.

The muffled sound of distant voices carried through the walls, and then the creak of the front door echoed through the hall.

What’s going on?

I stepped out of the bathroom and returned to the living room, where Livio and Philippe were already naked on the sofa, passionately making out.

“Where’s Michael?”

“He left,” Livio said nonchalantly. “When he heard you wouldn’t put out, he lost interest. But that’s okay. Now we have you all to ourselves. Come here, Alex. Let’s play.”

***

On Sunday afternoon, I sat in just my boxer briefs on Livio’s couch, watching Philippe get dressed. It had been a wild weekend. One of the best I’ve ever had here, probably because it was just the three of us. I’d fucked them both for hours. Saturday had flown by without me even noticing it.

Philippe smacked himself on the butt. “What about you, Alex? Haven’t had enough yet? Want another round?”

It was then that I realized I was staring at him. I brushed it off with a smile and shook my head. I caught myself already missing the ease of the weekend. How was I going to survive the upcoming week? I had to go to Ticino tomorrow and then straight to Bern for a shoot on Tuesday. Just the thought terrified me. And with increasing sobriety, I felt like the door Michael had opened remained wide open. That wasn’t good. Especially since the memories refused to come out. Even worse, they were lurking and calling me to them.

I can’t handle this , I thought, rubbing my bloodshot eyes.

“Where do you get your coke from?” I asked Philippe.

“Want some? I’ve got plenty.”

“Here?” I asked, surprised.

“You think I came here without enough? Livio and you are unstoppable once you get going.”

“I heard that!” Livio called from the bathroom.

We burst into laughter.

“Do you have any left for me?”

The words came out of my mouth spontaneously. I had never let myself go there before, but considering the week ahead, I doubted I could make it through until Tuesday evening without a little help.

Philippe pulled a Mini Grip from his jacket pocket and tossed it to me over the coffee table. “A gram should do, right?”

I looked at the packet in my hand. “You can just hand that out so easily?”

“Of course. Always for you.”

“And what’s the cost?”

“Transfer me a hundred, and we’re even.”

“What? That’s it?”

“Thought it’d be more expensive? This stuff is mass-produced now.”

“And what do you mean by even?”

A playful grin spread across Philippe’s face. “You fucked me so good, I’m giving you a discount.”

“How much are we talking about?”

“Ten bucks,” the carpenter replied, shrugging.

I didn’t know whether to laugh, but Philippe did, so I laughed along, more out of disbelief. “Is this a joke?”

“No. Dead serious. Call me if you need more.”

I just nodded, took out my phone, and sent him a hundred bucks through the app. “Sent.”

“Thanks,” Philippe said as he tucked his shirt into his pants. “But don’t use it all at once.”

“Don’t worry, it has to last until Friday,” I said it as if it were a joke, but I was dead serious.

“Are you staying?”

“No, I should also ...”

Livio emerged from the bathroom with just a towel around his waist.

“Are you heading out?” the blond journalist asked, stopping in front of Philippe.

“Yup! Had fun. So, is this happening next week?”

“Yeah, of course,” Livio replied, patting Philippe on the shoulder in farewell.

The carpenter waved to me one last time, then left the apartment.

“What’s happening next week?” I asked, finally getting up.

“Oh ... just the usual. But this time, I want to do it Open House style. Everyone’s welcome. I know you prefer smaller sessions, but...”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “And thinking about having guys like Michael here again ...”

“Alex, you have to make it clear to them right from the start what’s what. No one will hold it against you. Not even Michael. You should’ve seen him. He was devastated when you disappeared into the bathroom. And then you just never came out. The poor guy couldn’t handle it.”

I grimaced. “That’s bullshit.”

Livio grinned. “A bit, but I’m serious about the clarification part. And you know I’m right.”

“Yeah,” I reluctantly agreed, gathering my clothes.

“Maybe you’ll come with someone next time. That would definitely make it easier for you.”

I gave a weak nod. He just knew me too well, and he was right, but there simply wasn’t anyone I could take to such a party.