Page 26

26

–––––

Noé

Throughout the week, I was in a daze, barely aware of my surroundings. My body felt numb, and my brain felt clouded. After the funeral, I retreated into the apartment and stared into nothingness. A sense of indifference had overtaken me, pulling me into a dark depth. Something inside me was torn, but I was so empty that I couldn’t recognize what it was. Like a robot, I had done everything that had been demanded of me in the past few days. Now I was just tired.

To avoid the phone calls, I turned off my phone. I felt weak and slept most of the time until I eventually realized that I hadn’t eaten anything for a while and my lack of energy might be due to that. Pulling myself together, I bought a few packs of instant noodles from the Chinese market around the corner, and returned to the stinking, blood-stained apartment.

Even though I had grown up there, I had never considered the place my actual home. I had gone through hell in that apartment, and now everything was ... over? I definitely hadn’t imagined the feeling of freedom like this.

Since there was no TV, I eventually turned my phone back on and was surprised to find that it was already Monday. Word had gotten around, and all my bandmates had messaged me. Even Juri was panicking and had tried to reach me several times. Without reading the messages, I scrolled through and spotted Alex’s name.

Alex.

I was so startled by the emotions that surged within me that I flinched and threw the phone next to me on the couch. Sighing, I rested my elbows on my knees, fidgeting in my seat.

Why is he writing?

Why now? Suddenly? Who told him what happened?

Of all the messages, I felt least prepared to face his. I wasn’t ready for him. I even doubted if I ever would be. The past week had brutally reminded me of who I was. The child of a junkie mother, nothing more. He certainly wouldn’t want someone like me. And if Alex was writing to me, it probably meant he was sorting his shit out.

Now that he was back in my thoughts, I could literally feel him invading my mental space. He had the power to push everything else into the background, which suited me in this situation, but it also made me realize how much I longed for him. I didn’t want any of this. Neither this cursed apartment nor this unbelievable grief that I couldn't comprehend. I wanted him, but I couldn’t make sense of it. Just the thought of his smile stirred something in me, filling me with the warmth I longed for.

Longing.

Fuck ...

Is this supposed to be love?

What a confusing feeling.

And just now, life threw me back into the shit I had tried so hard to escape from. I almost managed it, but you couldn’t change who you were. Alex definitely deserved better than me.

The thoughts of him stirred me up so intensely that I jumped up from the couch and paced around the apartment in agitation. The fog in my mind gradually dissipated, and I saw the apartment for what it really was—dirty, rancid, blood-stained. And I was right in the middle of it all!

I felt nauseous, but before I could throw up, I opened the windows and tried to breathe. The rising panic tightened my throat. My heart drummed against my chest, and the blood rushed through my ears. I was sweating despite the icy air coming in. And at that moment, one thing became clear to me.

I can’t stay here any longer.

At first, I didn’t know how to put my decision into action, but then my body abruptly started working on its own. I grabbed my backpack and packed in some clean clothes. I then searched for the hiding spots in the apartment, both mine and my mother’s, emptying out their contents. I stuffed everything I could find into my bag, grabbed my phone and jacket, and rushed out the door. It wasn’t until I stepped onto the street that the tight feeling around my chest loosened, and I could breathe again.

Next to the mailboxes, I pulled out my phone and scanned the messages again. There had to be someone unaware of my situation, someone who reached out to me because they solely wanted sex. Not that I felt like it, but I knew myself well enough to know that it was the only thing I could offer for the time being. Just the thought of singing made my chest tighten again. Fucking someone was the least of all evils if it meant getting a night in a clean apartment with good air and a bathroom without mold and blood spatters.

Steffan.

His message was from this morning, but it was worth a try. By now it was already after nine o’clock, so there was a chance someone else was with him.

“Hey! Sorry, I was tied up. Is your offer still on?” I added a few smiley faces and sent the message.

“Sure, come over,” was his brief reply.

“Okay,” I replied and set off. When I stood at the bus stop, I became aware of my appearance again. I hadn’t showered for days, and my hair was disheveled and greasy. Feeling self-conscious, I took out my phone again. “But I have to use your bathroom first. You can only open your eyes again when I come out.”

As curt as Steffan was, he sent me a thumbs up and a winking smiley. That reassured me a bit, and I got on the next bus.

***

“You were serious about the shower, huh?” grumbled Steffan as he opened the door.

“No, I was serious about you closing your eyes,” I replied with charm.

While on the bus, I left the entire past week behind in my thoughts and put on an act that Steffan liked so much with all my might. With a suggestive smile, he let me in and pointed directly toward the bathroom, then collapsed onto the sofa, assuming it might take a while.

By now, the bathroom felt very familiar to me, and the fresh scent of the towels was a relief. But as soon as I closed the door behind me, I felt the past few days lurking, like someone was holding a gun to my head. I stood still, unable to move as my breath hitched.

Damn it! Get yourself together!

My hands trembled as I took the toothbrush out of the backpack. When I pulled out my shorts, my eyes fell on the countless benzos.

They would calm me down.

For sure.

But forget it.

I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower with the toothbrush and razor. Although Steffan wasn’t as well-equipped as a woman, he liked brand-name products, and they were not to be scoffed at despite the lack of conditioner.

Strange thoughts kept crossing my mind, casting doubts on what I was doing here. But I pushed aside the concerns and convinced myself that I was doing the right thing here. I would just give Steffan what he wanted, get some sleep, and see what tomorrow brings. Besides, I had experienced much worse. It was only thanks to Juri that I was still alive. If he hadn’t helped me get off drugs back then, I wouldn’t be here now. The rehearsal room was always an option, but I didn’t feel like going there. Just the thought of singing at band practice tomorrow gave me stomach cramps.

One thing at a time .

I stepped out of the shower and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I had lost even more weight. As a result, I felt weak and lethargic.

Steffan is out there waiting for you to fuck him. So get moving already.

I shook off the miserable feeling and combed my hair. As I did, I tried to visualize images that sexually aroused me. I struggled to get in the mood until I allowed myself to think about Alex. The way he had taken me every time, with such intensity yet so full of emotion, sent shivers down my spine. The warmth gathered in my center, and I felt my cock stirring.

A good sign. Besides, so much pressure had built up in the past few days, I should hardly be able to wait to release it. I tied my hair into a knot, slipped into the boxers, and left the bathroom.

“That was quick,” Steffan said, surprised, as I approached him on the sofa. His greedy gaze roamed over my body and lingered on my crotch. “And as I see it, someone is already ready.”

I licked my lips and smiled. “And how about you?”

“You’re welcome to get me in the mood,” he replied and began undoing his belt.

I sank to my knees between his legs and unzipped his pants. Steffan turned off the TV and stroked my cheek. His eyes sparkled with lust, and he stuck his thumb in my mouth. I leaned forward and freed his cock from his pants, kissing and caressing it. It didn’t take long, and he was as hard as a rock.

“Damn, you’re hot,” Steffan said, standing up.

He pulled me by the wrist to the bedroom. Right in front of the bed, he turned to me, grabbed my head with both hands and buried his tongue in my mouth. Meanwhile, I stripped off his pants and unbuttoned his shirt. As I slid my hands over his naked butt, he pulled down my shorts. With a firm grip, he wrapped both our cocks and rubbed them together.

As much as I wanted to relieve the pressure, somehow my body still felt like a robot. There was no warmth and far too little passion for what I was doing to give me more pleasure. I pushed Steffan onto the bed, grabbed the lube and a condom from the drawer, and climbed in beside him.

“On all fours,” I commanded.

Steffan obeyed me because that’s what turned him on. He offered me his ass and could hardly wait for me to touch him. But first, I put on the condom and positioned myself behind him with the tube.

“Damn it, Noé, what’s taking so long?” As I worked on his entrance, he groaned and pressed against me. “What are you waiting for?”

I placed myself behind him, positioned my tip, and entered him.

“Oh fuck!” he groaned.

My breath nearly stopped, and the tight feeling in my chest returned. Mixed with the throbbing desire, I had no idea what was happening to me. And since I couldn’t name what was going on inside me, I did the only thing I could do in this situation. I dug my hands into Steffan’s hips and thrust. Again and again. Harder and harder. And firmer. As if I wanted to halt this strange feeling that was spreading inside me. But it simmered within me and flared up a little more with each thrust.

“Faster!” Steffan called out, lifting his head.

I knew he loved it when I strangled him, so I leaned forward and pulled him up by the neck. But it felt so wrong. Everything! And yet, I couldn’t stop. So I thought of Alex. Imagined that it was him I was fucking here. If I wanted to stay here overnight, I had to do it. As quickly as possible, while my cock was still hard. I grabbed him even tighter and increased the pace.

“Yes! Just like that!” Steffan groaned, emitting a loud growl.

And suddenly something exploded inside me. Not an orgasm. Something else. Something terrible. Like a fire spreading within me, pressing on every nerve and crushing my insides to mush. I broke free from Steffan and doubled over, falling to the side and off the bed as I vomited on the light gray carpet.

I made retching noises and distorted sounds. It was impossible for me to determine where the pain was coming from. My muscles cramped uncontrollably, I felt dizzy, and I stumbled to the ground beside the vomit, as if someone had kicked me hard in the stomach.

“Damn it!” Steffan exclaimed, alarmed. “What the hell is this?”

He sprinted out of the room and came back with a bucket of water and a rag. While I struggled to pull myself together, he sank down beside me and began to clean up. My stomach had already been empty, so it was just bile that I had retched up.

“Sorry,” I said dazedly, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

I didn’t care that the carpet was more important to him than my well-being; it didn’t even surprise me. I was just glad that the cramps were subsiding.

“Go wash up and get dressed!” Steffan ordered in a fit of anger.

With great effort, I pulled myself up from the bed and staggered on unsteady legs into the bathroom. I rinsed out my mouth in the sink and glanced at myself in the mirror. I had no idea what had just happened, but it seemed like my body was resisting with all its might against what I had forced upon it. The sight of my reflection was almost unbearable, so I leaned forward and splashed my face. The aftereffects of the cramps shot through my body like lightning, and it was difficult for me to stay on my feet.

“Why are you still standing here?” Steffan cursed behind me. “I said, get dressed!”

“What?”

But he was already gone again. I put on fresh clothes and returned to the bedroom with my backpack. But Steffan wasn’t there, so I went out to the living room. He was in the kitchen wringing out the wet cloth.

“Go!” he said irritably.

“What? Can’t I ...”

“Stay here overnight?” he asked, surprised, putting the cloth away and coming closer. “After what just happened? No, definitely not.”

“But ... it’s freezing outside.”

Fuck! What am I doing? I swore to myself never to beg.

“What are you?” Steffan’s temper flared up. “A damn bum? This isn’t a homeless shelter. Take your stuff and get out!”

“Where should I go?” Shit! That slipped out of me.

“Wait.” Steffan narrowed his eyes and pierced me with his scrutinizing gaze. “You really are a bum. And a slut on top of it. Damn it! Get lost! Out of here!”

He threw my jacket at me and grabbed me by the upper arm.

“Let go of me!” It was pointless to try to fight him. I was much too weak. He dragged me through the hallway toward the entrance. Thinking about the icy cold that awaited me outside, my blood already froze in my veins, and fear spread within me. “Please! Just give me one night, then I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again.”

“How pathetic are you? After the stunt you pulled here? Is that how you always do it? A quick fuck for a warm bed? Get lost!”

The guy was serious, not just his facial expression but also his clenched fist.

“Damn it, man!” I said as I slipped into my boots. “Do you even know what you’re doing to me?”

“Trying to make me feel guilty?” At that moment, his fist flew toward me. With full force, my head smashed against the wall, and I sank to my knees. That hit hard. Before I was fully myself again, he pulled me up by the collar and shoved me out into the stairwell.

“If you’re done with it, you get out now!”

“Fuck! Where am I supposed to go?”

“Get yourself a bed at the shelter!”

“I’m not a damn beggar.”

“Yes, you are!”

“Can’t I at least ...”

“No!” Steffan shouted and slammed the door in my face.

Helpless and dazed, I pressed my fingers against my temples. I was still dizzy, but now anger boiled up inside me—toward myself and Steffan. “Fuck you!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I put on my jacket, slung the backpack over my shoulder, and descended the stairs. My self-hatred got me so worked up that even the icy wind outside didn’t cool me down. Enraged, I stopped in front of a store and struck the facade with my fist until it bled. The pain shot through my arm like lightning and brought me back to my senses. I gasped, cursed, and leaned back against the wall. Steffan had punched me hard, and my skull still throbbed.

It was Monday evening and almost eleven o’clock. I had no idea what to do, but one thing I knew, going home was out of the question. I couldn’t go back there anymore, even if the apartment still belonged to me until the end of the year. Just the thought of spending another night there made me feel sick again.

The shelter.

I tried to convince myself with some far-fetched arguments that I wasn’t desperate enough to knock on that door yet. But unfortunately, Steffan had hit the nail on the head. I was a damn bum. And one whose options were running out.

Tom was out of the question. I had stood up the Lighteners on Friday and owed them an explanation anyway. I wouldn’t have called him now for anything in the world. My pride wouldn’t allow it.

In fact, the shelter was still easily accessible, while the rehearsal room was on the other side of town and the last bus there had already left.

Wet flakes slapped against my face, and I shivered from the cold as I pulled up my hood. When faced with the choice between freezing in the snowstorm or swallowing my pride, reason prevailed. I feared the cold too much to survive the night outside in any way, so I boarded the next bus and headed to the emergency shelter.

However, when I stood in front of the entrance, my heart sank into my stomach. I stood there trembling, barely able to breathe, and couldn’t believe how low I had sunk. I even considered reaching out to Tom, but then the door opened, and a woman appeared. She was maybe around thirty and seemed quite nice. “Do you still want to come in?” she asked in a soft voice with attentive eyes. “We’re closing soon.”

My vision somehow blurred, and I looked down at the ground. Never in my life had I felt so ashamed. I always felt like dirt, but now I had certainty. I was dirt.

“Do you have an ID?” the woman asked.

I just nodded.

“Then come in. You won’t survive the night out there.”

Everything in me resisted entering that shelter, but my body somehow managed to move and walk in.