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Noé

I let myself be dragged down by the black whirlpool and spent Wednesday in bed with pain; or rather, on the mattress on the floor. I used my backpack as a pillow and covered myself with the parka. Juri kept me company, and in a half-asleep state, I heard him promise to get me a blanket.

In the evening, I mustered the strength to get up and hit the streets, sold a few benzos, and with the money, got myself something to eat and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. With that, I returned to the dark room, illuminated only by the streetlamp, and turned up the music in my headphones to drown out the moans from the apartment below. Later that night, Juri returned and sat with me. Together, we emptied the bottle, and I was just grateful that he was there.

On Thursday, I received a message from Chris. I knew they wanted a dress rehearsal since the concert at the Exil was on Saturday, but I couldn’t do it. I was so deep in the swamp that I just couldn’t get out anymore. I knew they definitely deserved better than me. Turning off my phone, I curled up under my jacket.

On Friday evening, as I packed a few benzos and headed to the alley, I ran into Romero in the stairwell.

“You look like shit, Guapo,” he said mockingly, blocking my way downstairs.

“Oh, really?” I replied, scowling. I knew that the bruises around my eye and jaw had turned the color of an eggplant.

“Don’t forget, payday is coming soon.”

“Leave me alone, Romero,” I said, squeezing past him.

At least I got rid of the benzos quickly and made it back to my cave, along with some saltine crackers and a new bottle of Jack Daniel’s. With all my might, I tried to push the thoughts of the concert away, but I just couldn’t. So, in the early hours of Saturday morning, completely wasted, I popped a downer. It wasn’t real sleep that came over me, more like a horror trip to which I was completely vulnerable.

In the late afternoon, Juri dragged me to a bar.

“You need to be around people again,” he said, brushing it off as a favor that he brought me to a dive bar that was still empty.

I clung to the counter, trying not to fall off the stool, while Juri ordered two beers. As soon as the bartender left, Juri leaned in and handed me a baggie. “You’re gonna curse me for what I’m doing here, but I think you’ll be grateful for it later tonight.”

I didn’t understand what he was talking about at all, but I was sure he had just handed me a Mini Grip of coke. But I lost the thought immediately. My head was still completely foggy and dehydrated. The beer was a godsend from that standpoint. “What do you even want with me? Any company is better than mine.”

“Bro, you’re grieving. That’s okay, but life goes on.”

“I’m gonna puke soon. What’s the deal? This is so unlike you. And why aren’t you working?”

“Took some time off.”

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. He’s up to something. Juri was his own boss. He put on a charming smile, toasted me with his glass, and drank his beer.

As I reached for my beer, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I had to turn slowly to avoid losing my balance, but when I saw Tom sitting next to me, it felt like a blow to the head.

“Fuck.”

“Hey,” he said and was great at pretending I didn’t look like a messed-up zombie.

I downed the beer in one gulp and ordered a glass of Jameson. I clutched it with both hands, fearing Tom would snatch it away from me.

“You have a concert tonight.”

I was surprised how gentle his voice sounded; not accusing or disdainful at all. It was a simple remark.

I took a sip, put the glass down, and buried my face in my hands. “No chance. I can’t do it.” My voice was already weak. How was I supposed to sing like this?

“I promised the guys I’d bring you there. Come what may. You’re going on stage tonight and playing this concert. That’s ultimately what you’ve worked so hard for. You belong on stage, Noé. Pull yourself together. This is your chance. Don’t miss it.”

“Look at me! I’m in no shape at all. No one wants to see someone like me.”

Tom laughed. “Believe me, people do want to see you. The tickets are sold out, and you guys are the headliners. The release concert was a success in that sense.”

That was really a great evening. I felt like a demigod.

Gradually, I felt the thick wall of my exhaustion cracking. I turned my head to Juri, who sat silently in front of his beer. “You brought me here to hand me over to him,” I accused.

“And you didn’t tell me you’re the lead singer of the hottest band in town.”

“What?” Am I?

“I wouldn’t miss that. For anything,” Juri added.

I slowly shook my head and took a sip.

Maybe the spotlight will help me get out of my rut .

“You have an hour and a half left until you have to go on stage,” Tom said. “If you want to shower, go ahead. Then we’ll go to your place.”

“I don’t have a home,” I muttered into my glass, drinking it all down, and waved to the bartender. I wasn’t ready yet, but the idea sounded more and more appealing.

When the guy retreated with a bottle to refill my glass, Tom intervened. “No, he’s had enough. He still needs to go on stage tonight.” The bartender just shrugged and walked away.

“Can’t I decide for myself how I want to spend my time before the audience tears me apart?”

Wait a minute … I haven’t agreed to this yet .

“No, I’ve just changed my mind. You do need a shower.”

Tom grabbed me by the arms and was already taking me to the door as Juri paid the bill. I couldn’t take a step on my own. If Tom hadn’t been leading me, I would have walked straight into the wall. When we reached Erotic World, Tom was panting next to me, and it definitely wasn’t because I was getting too heavy for him.

“You live here?”

“It’s clean,” Juri said shortly and opened the door.

Tom refrained from any further comments. As soon as we were inside the apartment, he helped me out of the filthy clothes and put me in the shower. The water helped me clear my head a little, but it also made it impossible for me to look Tom in the eye afterward. And if I couldn’t do that with him, how was I supposed to entertain a whole audience?

I reassured myself with the thought that I hadn’t agreed to Tom’s plan yet. But I already saw myself on stage in front of a boiling crowd, because secretly, I wanted to be there. It was what I had been working toward for the past few years. But I had no idea how I was going to pull it off tonight. A sudden thought came to mind.

Juri had given me something. Cocaine. At least a gram .

I knew from experience that with coke, I could do anything. Sure, I despised Juri for it, given, he was the one who helped me get off that stuff back then. But the monster inside me rejoiced, so I stopped resisting Tom.

After I got dressed, we left the apartment. Tom insisted we walk; probably hoping I’d sober up a bit in the twenty minutes, but I still felt the effects of the benzos I took that morning. As I obediently walked beside Tom, I squeezed the baggie that Juri had given me.

The thought of going on stage and putting on a great show became more and more exhilarating. But first, I had to somehow get rid of Tom. Juri had met a few people at the entrance and said goodbye to me, but Tom stuck to me like glue and even escorted me down to the backstage area.

“He’s here!” Marco announced and hugged me. “Oh my God! You have no idea how glad I am to see you. You damn wanker! Never do that again!” He grabbed Tom, pulled him close, and gave him a big smooch on the cheek. “Thanks!”

Chris, Lukas, and Ramon also greeted me like a lost son, patting me on the back and practically rejoicing.

“What’s this?” Chris, the first one to really look at me, asked. “Did you get into a fight?”

“Damn, shit!” Marco exclaimed in horror. “What happened to you?”

I plopped down on a sofa and scanned the table. Everything I needed was there, so I grabbed a glass and poured myself a healthy dose of Ballantine’s. After the first sip, I glanced up. The guys were standing there, mouths agape.

“What the …? Jessi!” Marco turned on his heel and rushed out.

“Are you fit enough?” Chris asked, bewildered.

I struggled to get back up and looked around. “Bathroom?”

“There,” Ramon said, pointing the way.

I staggered past them and disappeared into the stall. Once alone, I pulled out the powder and prepared two lines on the toilet lid. The cocaine worked exactly as I had hoped. All the crap melted away from me, and I felt great.

Oh yeah, this is how you do a concert, I thought, rubbing my nose.

When I came back out, Jessica, Marco’s sister, was there. She flinched when she saw me. “Goodness, what happened to you?”

I put on my charming smile and turned to Tom, knowing he knew exactly what I had just done. But the drugs felt too good for me to feel the slightest bit of shame now.

“Do you have your makeup with you?” Marco asked his sister.

“Of course.”

“Then put it on him!”

“Are you kidding?” I protested and sat back down on the couch.

“The photographer is here today!” Marco exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. “Damn it! You’re not supposed to look like a thug, but like a demigod!”

The photographer?

Alex?

Oh no.

Jessica hesitantly sat down next to me, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder and opening her bag. I took a sip and watched her every move closely. It made her so nervous that even her hands trembled slightly.

My heart was pounding in my chest, and I could hardly wait to get on stage. Plus, something stirred in my pants.

“Did we used to have something together?” I asked her as she spread makeup on a sponge.

“You’re still the worst,” was her brief response.

“You’re probably right,” I said, flinching as she tended to my black eye.

“Hold still.”

“Can you sing the songs?” Lukas asked anxiously.

“Of course,” I replied in an irritated tone.

“Even when you’re drunk?”

“Stop it,” Chris hissed, being sensible enough to try to avoid a fight.

“At least it’s not swollen anymore,” Jessica said and also applied makeup to the bruise on my jaw. Reaching for a small brush, she applied even more makeup.

“And then I’ll look like Madonna.”

“No, you’ll look like you’re supposed to look,” Marco contradicted, nodding approvingly at his sister.

She switched to a powder and dabbed it all over my face.

“This is bullshit! As soon as I get under the spotlights, this stuff is gonna melt right off.”

“It won’t,” Jessica snapped. “And now hold still!”

It wasn’t easy to sit still, especially not with the coke rushing through my veins. I stared at Jessica, trying to keep my jumbled thoughts in check. Eventually, she leaned back and inspected me, or rather, my face. When she tried to brush a strand of hair away, I instinctively knocked her arm aside and recoiled.

“Ow!” she yelped.

“S-sorry,” I apologized, surprised at myself. I downed the glass in one gulp, jumped up, and ran my hands through my hair. “Can we get this show on the road?” I said excitedly.

“Don’t you want to look at yourself?”

“No.”

“No stage fright?”

“Not a bit.”

“How do you feel?”

“Like a damn demigod.”

It was impossible for the guys not to suspect what was going on, but just like Tom, they all masked their concerns and put on a brave face. As long as I didn’t mess up the gig, everything was fine.

Maybe I’ll play it safe and do one more line , I thought, and rushed back to the bathroom.