Page 22

22

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Alex

“What’s this?” Corinne asked, holding up an empty baggie with traces of powder inside. “Is this what I think it is?”

“Yeah,” I replied indifferently.

“Are you serious? How long has this been going on?”

“No idea,” I mumbled, pulling the pillow over my head.

Although I knew exactly. Davide had sold me the coke and made some stupid comment about having misjudged me completely.

“You need to talk to Gerber!” Corinne exclaimed, both upset and fearful.

“I don’t have to do anything.”

“Is it because of me? I thought we were on a good path.”

It wasn’t because of her. It was because of me. I had felt like garbage for years, tainted by my own father. But the fact that I was gay had plunged me into even darker depths.

Or do you like little boys like your father?

What my former school friends had predicted and what had prompted my mother to leave our old life behind and move to the city had eventually caught up with me. I was gay. And just the thought of it made me sick. To somehow bear myself, I had accepted Davide’s offer and traded the awful feeling for confidence and sleeplessness. By now, the coke was gone, and since yesterday, I had been coming down. And with Corinne in the room, it was turning into a horror show.

“Just leave me alone,” I said, rolling onto my side.

“This can’t go on like this!” she shouted, yanking the pillow off my head. “You can see for yourself that this is no way to live! Your teacher called. Did you forge my signature to get your absence excused?”

My patience ran out. I jumped out of bed, grabbed her by both shoulders and shoved her out of my room. “Leave me alone! I really don’t have the nerve for this right now! I just want to sleep!”

I slammed the door in her face and staggered back to bed. But as much as I longed for sleep, it didn’t come. Instead, I was at the mercy of my thoughts and memories.

It wasn’t that I had fallen in love, but I couldn’t deny the fact anymore that I was attracted to men. I wanted to scream and tear this inclination out of me, but I couldn’t. My heart raced. My lungs constricted painfully. When I became so short of breath that reaching for the asthma inhaler was inevitable, I stumbled into the bathroom. I already had the inhaler in my hand when I saw the better solution.

Razor blades.

The inhaler dropped into the sink, and I reached for the small packet of blades. With trembling hands, I took out two as my lungs gasped for air. But I didn’t want to breathe anymore. I didn’t want to be who I was. And certainly not become like my father. I didn’t want anything anymore, so I pressed the razor blades into my skin and sliced open my entire forearm.

“Alex! Are you still there?”

I found myself back at the conference table, with Patrick sitting across from me. Between us were printed plans for two new construction projects that I was going to photograph soon. The guitarist of the Lighteners looked at me with a concerned expression.

“You look a bit pale. Are you okay?”

I brushed my hand against my lips and took a moment to compose myself. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I haven’t been feeling well all week.”

“Lucky it’s Friday,” he joked.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Thank goodness.” I had completely lost my train of thought.

“I think we’re done here.”

Finally! Pack everything up and get out of here!

As I gathered the plans, Patrick noticed my hands.

“Dude, you’re shaking. Are you getting sick?”

I clenched my fist and took a deep breath, then put the papers in my bag. “I hope not. Did you ... write down the details?” I asked, standing up.

“Yeah.” Clearly concerned, he walked me to the door. “And I’ll send you everything by email too.”

“Thanks.”

“Is everything really okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” I lied, holding my breath as I started to feel short of breath. “Just had a tough week.”

“See you tonight at Hyde?”

The Lighteners’ gig. It felt like all the blood rushed to my legs at once. How much I would have liked to see Noé, but he had been ignoring all my calls and messages, so I prohibited myself from bothering him further. “I think it’s better if I go to bed early. Some other time.”

“Yeah, do that. You look pretty beat up. Plus, it’s not our last gig of the year yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, they always have a special program at the club in December and January. Our last gig is on December 9th. After that, it’s winter break, and we won’t be back until January 27th. And then in a new lineup soon after that. Noé has joined Nightrain.”

“Yeah, I heard,” I muttered. “I photographed last Saturday.”

“Oh! How was it? I couldn’t make it to the concert.”

“It was really good.” I felt almost sick as if I had just lied. But the gig had been top-notch. It was just what happened afterward that had been giving me stomach pains since then.

“I heard our bassist is a natural talent.”

I nodded, though I doubted that Noé’s skill was purely talent. Nobody could just sing like him. There was a lot of work behind it. “You shouldn’t miss Nightrain next time,” I said shortly, making moves to leave. I just wanted to go home and cursed myself for not bringing the car. Now I had to take the bus across the whole city.

“I’ll do that. Heard they’re playing at the Rock Night at Exil.”

I forced a smile and nodded. “Yeah, I really have to go now. Otherwise, I probably won’t make it home.”

“Sure! Get some rest! See you.”

“Thanks. Have a good weekend.”

“You too!”

As I stood outside, rain splashed on my face, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I often felt overwhelmed after such meetings. And then there was this extreme exchange of pleasantries! It always left me drained. All I wanted to do was to take photographs.

With heavy limbs, I made my way to Manesse Station. From there, I had a direct bus home. I felt empty and burnt out. And if Patrick noticed it, my state was no secret to the outside world.

Even a week after Nightrain’s concert, it still felt like something inside me had broken. And yet, it was so obvious that there was more between Noé and me. We could both feel it; I had seen it in his eyes after he kissed Michelle. But for some reason, he couldn’t accept the attraction between us.

When he had said goodbye to me shortly after, so casually and coolly as if I hadn’t just vomited my feelings at his feet, he had taken a piece of me with him. The whole week, I had been cold and miserable. The days were too long, and the nights even longer. I kept waking up from bizarre dreams, pacing around the apartment like a lunatic. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw my father’s face and couldn’t sleep at all. I had promised myself to call my therapist in the morning, something I hadn’t done since Geneva. But as soon as the day broke, I lost interest and convinced myself that I could sort out the chaos in my head on my own. In the meantime, I took pills to deal with my headaches, but they hadn’t worked since yesterday.

At least I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. Unfortunately, to my dismay, it was completely overcrowded. So, I leaned against a window in the entrance area and wiped the sweat from my forehead. Just the thought of photographing a few more apartments and new constructions next week felt like a blow, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep myself standing.

The anthracite-colored clouds caused it to darken outside, and I saw my reflection in the glass. I stared at myself and watched as my face changed. The eye sockets darkened, the cheekbones became more pronounced, and a strand of hair fell onto my forehead.

“I love you, Alex. You know that, don’t you? Only you. No one else.”

My chest tightened, and the bus’s jolting felt like an earthquake. The door opened, and people crowded behind me to get off. I rushed out in a panic and gasped, hoping the cold air would ease my breathing, but my lungs tightened and burned even more. I stumbled past the people and made my way to a bench, tearing open my bag to search for the asthma spray.

Did I forget it?

No! Please!

Where is it?

I found it in a side pocket. I sprayed it into my mouth and collapsed onto the bench, completely exhausted, breathing deeply and clutching onto my bag.

Damn it! This can’t be real .

I couldn’t help but notice how people were looking at me. Right away, I tousled my hair, rubbed my face, and straightened up. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide my fever, but with an upright posture, I could at least distract others from the fact that I was a complete wreck.

Although I was only at Hard Station, there was no way I would get back on a bus, even if you paid me. Even though I could hardly keep myself standing at the moment, I decided to walk the rest of the way home.

At home, I collapsed, exhausted on the couch. For a while, I lay motionless, staring at the ceiling. My whole body tingled, and my head spun. The memories were like a lightning storm, one after another. I came to the realization that I couldn’t possibly spend the weekend alone at home. I would rather shoot myself!

After things went so well last week and I stayed away from Livio’s despite the unpleasant conversation with Noé, I decided to leave it that way for the time being. But my heart was racing, and my head felt like it was about to explode. The Valium was long gone, and the headache pills were useless. All I wanted was to find some peace, to sleep without these constant dreams and the carousel of memories that I couldn’t shake off anymore. Even my appetite was gone.

I have to get out of here .

To Livio. Just the thought helped me to regain some composure. I messaged him, asking if there was a party planned for tonight.

“Yep, just a small gathering,” was his reply.

I took a shower and shaved. It wasn’t the prospect of sex that got me back on track, but rather the idea of getting high. Livio and Philippe would supply me with the drugs I needed to come down from this horror trip and the constant palpitations.

Since the bus ride had once again shown me that my nerves couldn’t handle it, I called an Uber. Shortly after, I was standing at Livio’s door.

The hydrogen-blond journalist greeted me with a warm hug. “Alex! Good to see you again. Come in. Philippe has been missing you since last week.”

Even though I knew this was about sex, I had grown somewhat attached to the two, and I considered them kind of like friends. Livio took my jacket and beamed at me like a June bug.

“You’re looking good,” he said, lifting a huge weight off my shoulders. The long shower and shave apparently masked the disaster brewing inside me.

“You too,” I replied. It had only been two weeks since I last saw him, but he seemed somehow different. “Are you letting the blond hair grow out?”

“I know! The dark roots! But I haven’t had time to dye it yet.”

“I like it.”

“Come on!”

Livio took me by the arm and led me into the living room, where two other guys sat beside Philippe. As usual, the sofas and the armchair were covered with white sheets, and in the middle of the table, alcohol and drugs were already laid out.

“Alex!” Philippe exclaimed, jumping up and embracing me. “Good to have you here!”

“What’s gotten into you?” I asked, surprised. “You don’t usually greet like this.”

“I just missed you!” he said, kissing me on the cheek. “The guy who fucked me last week ... He was nothing!”

It was hard to believe that was the truth. Philippe was good at telling everyone what they wanted to hear. And he comforted me in this way, especially when there were new guys around. But today, I didn’t care who else was there. I was primarily there to get high. If I was capable of fucking afterward, then fine, but first, I needed to come down from my trip.

“Meet Dominik and Piet,” Livio said, still standing beside me with a hand on my back as if he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable.

I shook hands with both of them. Philippe sat back in the space between the sofa and the coffee table and patted the cushion on the floor next to him. Following his lead, I sat down beside him.

“How was your week?” he asked, preparing a few lines.

“Fine,” I lied, trying to ignore the palpitations.

Is it a good idea to do coke now? But my heart had been racing all week. That was clearly due to my psyche because it had been two weeks since I last snorted a line. I gratefully took the note rolled into a tube, leaned forward, and snorted two lines.

The effect was immediate. A fireworks display ignited in my head, incinerating all the spinning thoughts. For a moment, I paused, rubbed my nose, and focused on the silence within me. A wave of energy shot through my veins, and only when the warmth reached my core did I notice that I was staring at Dominik.

The dark blond man had short hair, but he had a nose piercing and plenty of tattoos peeking out from under his shirt, inevitably reminding me of Noé. But although Noé was slimmer and had a much more beautiful face, Dominik was not to be underestimated. He seemed to read my thoughts because he took off his shirt and presented me with a smug smile, revealing a naked upper body that was quite impressive.

I tore my gaze away from him and sniffed. Then I reached for an empty glass and filled it with vodka. With three big swallows, I downed it in one gulp and poured another.

“Looks like Alex doesn’t want to waste any time,” Livio remarked, sitting next to Piet and nibbling on his earlobe.

I couldn’t wait to get my mind off things, so I snorted another line, took the glass, and leaned back against the couch. Philippe approached me, kissed me, and started to fondle me. As he opened my shirt, I took another sip and tried to enjoy the moment. My gaze wandered back to Dominik, who could no longer contain himself and crawled over to me on all fours. He gently took the empty glass from my hand and put it back on the table. And as Philippe worked on my pants, Dominik kissed me and slipped his tongue into my mouth.

I surrendered, leaning my head back and trying to focus on the gentle and warm touches. By now, I was hard, and the desire pulsed within me as Philippe went down on me and Dominik nibbled at my nipples. In my mind, I imagined it was Noé who was pleasuring me.

Damn, what am I doing here?

It was just a brief surge of reason because as soon as Philippe took my cock in his mouth, the thought was swept away. I pushed my hands into his hair and pressed myself against him. Dominik kissed me again on the mouth and engaged my tongue in a passionate dance. I couldn’t get enough of him, while my cock yearned for Philippe’s mouth.

My pulse accelerated, and in an instant, I felt like my heart skipped a beat. I gasped for breath and turned my head. Dizziness overwhelmed me, and my limbs felt heavy as a fire spread in my chest. As I gasped, as if a heavy weight were on my chest, both of them released me at the same time.

“Are you okay?” Philippe asked while Dominik wiped my sweaty forehead.

“Do you have a fever?”

I tried to sit up, but everything around me was spinning. A wheezing sound came from my mouth, causing Philippe to jump up, run to the cloakroom, and return with the asthma spray.

“Here, you do it,” he said somewhat awkwardly, holding out the spray upside down.

With trembling hands, I turned it around, put it to my mouth, and administered a dose. I held my breath briefly and waited. But when I gasped for air again, the knot around my chest had tightened. My heartbeat raced against my pulse, and my head was filled with the rush of blood. As the spray fell from my grasp, I leaned forward and gripped onto the table.

“What can we do?” Dominik asked helplessly.

“Alex,” I heard Livio. “Breathe, Alex! Come on!”

I tried, but my lungs seemed to crumble like a dry leaf. My breathing became shallower and shallower, and I felt my strength fading. I felt cold. I perceived the guys around me only as shadows. Through the pitiful sound of my broken breathing, I heard the panic in their voices.

“Call an ambulance!”

“But he has the asthma spray!”

“But it doesn’t seem to work!”

“Shit! But ...”

“Hurry! He’s going to die on us here!”

“Hello! Yes! My friend is not doing well! He can’t breathe! What? Blue lips? I don’t know!”

I ran out of oxygen and lost all control over my body. Darkness washed over me and I toppled to the side.