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Noé

It was already the fifth morning I woke up on satin sheets, and I still couldn’t quite believe I was lying in a bed that was now supposed to be mine. It wasn’t like I could have thought about it in the past few days because of my condition, so it felt completely surreal right now.

The sun shone through the blinds, casting golden stripes on the dark green wallpaper of the forest. It smelled like a fresh pine forest. My phone was on the nightstand, and next to the lamp was a picture frame with the photo from the camera obscura. That alone brought a smile to my face.

When we arrived here last Sunday, I was utterly exhausted from what the week had brought me. Alex had been the only good thing about it. But the whole rest still stuck to me like shit, and it had been hardening, so each step felt like wading through thick slime.

In the past few days, I had hardly gotten out of bed—it was truly incredible how much I had messed up. And as if that wasn’t enough, the exhaustion of a whole lifetime also broke out and knocked me down with the flu.

Most of the time, I had been sleeping, which was probably the best thing. This way, my body could recover without my brain constantly craving for substances. It wasn’t my first relapse, and I knew it wouldn’t be my last, but knowing someone was there made the come down easier.

I had only barely registered what was happening around me. The sweat-stained bedding had been changed a couple of times, someone gave me soup to eat, and I kept hearing voices—Alex’s and a woman’s.

I rolled onto my back, spread my arms, and took a deep breath. Alex had come to me, in Juri’s apartment, and had brought me to him. Somehow, he had managed to convince me to go with him. Or had I just become weak?

What if he kicks me out?

Despite the fear, I felt that warm feeling in my chest. Alex had put it there; somehow he had succeeded. But it had tempted me to say yes, to give him a chance, and to hope to get to the bottom of this dilemma. Alex was everywhere. I couldn’t get him out of my head at all.

The days leading up to the concert were a complete blur, but I will never forget his look when he saw me backstage. It almost tore my heart apart because he had seen what kind of darkness I was being swallowed by.

The darkness still existed, lurking like an animal in the shadows, and I knew I had to do something about it. Although I had managed to lock the monster back up, I heard it rattling the cage incessantly.

Tiredly, I reached out for my phone. It was late morning, and tomorrow was Christmas. I just wanted to contact Tom, but I was briefly overwhelmed by the many messages I had received in the past few days.

I’ll deal with those later , I told myself and texted Tom.

“I think I’ll come by again sometime.”

“Hello! :) That makes me happy. It will do you good. Tomorrow at 4 p.m.”

“Okay.”

The thought of showing up in the group after such a long time made me anxious, but I knew I had to go. It was the only way to get back on track. And I didn’t want to go back to where I had been a few days ago.

I cautiously got out of bed and went to the bathroom with unsteady steps. I had my own bathroom in my own room, and it was huge! And equipped with everything I needed. Taking my time, I washed my hair, shaved, brushed my teeth, and scrubbed myself from head to toe. Afterward, I slipped into my jeans and put on a fresh long-sleeved shirt. Barefoot and with my hair down, I finally ventured out.

In the hallway, I faced a black-haired woman who was packing her bag and on her way to the cloakroom. I unintentionally blocked her path, and she was startled when she almost ran into me.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” she exclaimed.

I stepped back and cleared the way. “No, I’m sorry,” I said, holding my hands up in a placating gesture.

She squinted and smiled at me. “Luzia,” she said, extending her hand.

“N-Noé,” I replied and shook hers.

“You’re feeling better?” she said with a Spanish accent.

I nodded and forced a smile. The way she looked at me suggested that she had taken care of me the last few days and had seen much more of me than I would have liked.

“There’s food in the fridge. Alex is at work. And if you want to leave the apartment, there’s a key for you in the lock.”

“Thank you.”

“Merry Christmas,” she said, winking at me.

“Yeah ... uh ... Merry Christmas,” I replied somewhat awkwardly and watched her leave the apartment.

All of a sudden, I was alone in my new home. The living room seemed much smaller than I remembered. In the kitchen to my left was a fruit bowl and next to it a plate of homemade cookies. The scent they emitted awakened a feeling in me that I thought I had lost.

Family.

Shit, man! Don’t get sentimental now.

Famished, I opened the fridge. Luzia hadn’t lied. It was almost overflowing, and I was completely overwhelmed at first. Eventually, I just wanted to eat something. Then I remembered the ravioli Alex had made once. So I prepared myself a portion of those.

It was just noon when I sat in front of an empty plate, scrolling through messages, and one from Alex popped up.

“Hello! How are you? If you’re awake ... I’m still at a shoot. Will be home in the evening.”

“Risen from the dead,” I wrote back.

“The fridge should be stocked. Help yourself.”

“Already did. Thanks.”

“See you tonight then!”

I hesitated, but then I replied, “Looking forward to it.”

I sat at the table for a while, gazing out the window. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, and the sky was steel blue. Although my body still felt tired and sluggish, the weather tempted me outside.

I strolled along the river, inspired by the fresh air, and got an idea for a new melody. I hopped on the next bus and headed to the rehearsal space.

***

It was already dark when I got back home, and I felt a bit guilty. I hadn’t noticed how quickly time flew by; I had been so engrossed in my songs. And when I checked my phone at six o’clock, I more or less dropped everything.

Alex’s jacket was hanging in the wardrobe, and his shoes were there too, but there were hardly any lights on in the apartment. The lamp next to the darkroom door glowed red, so I went over and knocked.

“Come in!” Alex called out, which brought a smile to my face.

As I entered the room, I closed the door behind me and pulled aside the black curtain. Alex was standing behind the light console, appearing a bit awkward right away. Memories flooded back from the last time I was here. There were still three pictures of me sleeping.

“How are you?” he asked, coming around the light table.

“Good,” I replied, beaming. “Sorry, I was still in the rehearsal room and lost track of time.”

“No problem. I just got here.”

We approached each other, and I felt my heart beating faster. Was I nervous? After all, he seemed to be feeling the same way. And then there was that look of relief on his face.

“You’re looking at me as if I’ve been seriously ill.”

Alex forced a smile as he nervously ran his hand through his hair. “You were in horrible shape. You can’t imagine how glad I was that Luzia was here.”

Without much thought, I reached out and touched his cheek. “You’re cute when you’re nervous.”

His features contorted, and he paused. “Cute? I ... I’m not cute.”

“Oh yeah? But I am when I’m clueless?”

“You remember,” he muttered, feeling embarrassed as he tousled his hair again, which thankfully didn’t stay where he wanted them to.

Before he raked his fingers through his hair again, almost reflexively, I reached for his hand. “I like it when your hair is like this.”

“What?” he laughed, surprised. “Seriously?”

“Yes,” I said, stepping even closer. My gaze fell on his sweatpants. He was only wearing a white shirt and was barefoot in front of me. I slid a finger into the waistband of his pants and pulled him closer to me. “And these pants ... sexy.”

Alex laughed and placed his hand on my neck. Then he lifted my head by the chin, pushed my hair back, and kissed me gently. When he moved away from my lips, I found myself breathless. Seeing him in this red light, his dark eyes, the small scar in his brow, and his freshly shaved face—he was really hot!

I slid a hand into his neck and kissed him back. The way he pressed against me, kneading my buttocks and becoming more passionate, made me forget everything. I only wanted him. As I engaged in the game with his tongue, I slipped my hands under his shirt, massaging his back, and soon found my way into his pants.

When I touched his penis, I elicited a sigh from Alex, and as I began to massage him, it sparked a fire in him that made him even more eager. He took my head between his hands and kissed me even more intensely. But I wanted more. I sank to my knees in front of him and tugged down his sweatpants.

“Oh, shit,” he gasped in surprise. “What are you doing? You don’t need to do that. Like I said, the bed here won’t cost you anything.”

“I know,” I laughed and kissed his shaft. “But I want to.”

“Okay,” Alex chuckled and caressed my hair. “But ... don’t think I’ll let you finish it.”

“What do you mean?” I looked at him, puzzled.

“You have no idea how much I had to restrain myself. You finally come to me, but you’ve been down for five days. A little blowjob won’t be enough to make up for that.”

I licked his shaft with the tip of my tongue and raised my eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

“Oh, damn,” he growled and gasped.

“I don’t assume there are condoms here in the darkroom,” I said and took him into my mouth.

“Fuck,” Alex moaned and leaned his head back.

Gently, I massaged his balls, moved my head slowly back and forth, and enjoyed feeling him getting harder in my mouth.

“Yes, there are,” he gasped out.

I took his length in a firm grip and stroked him. “And what if I finish it this way?”

“No—no, no, no,” Alex said, grabbing me under the arms and yanking me to my feet. He unzipped my pants and tugged them down. “This is overdue.”

I found it amusing as he nudged me backward against the table.

“Sit on there,” he commanded and lifted his shirt over his head— the sweatpants were already behind him.

I felt my pulse quicken and my desire intensify. Without words, I sat on the table and let him remove my pants. Then he took off my shirt and kissed me with intensity.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered between two kisses.

As much as I longed for him, there was something I had to get off my chest. Even if it threatened to ruin the mood, he needed to know how I felt. “I don’t want to sleep in strangers’ beds anymore, Alex. I can’t do it anymore.”

Alex looked at me, his eyebrows knitted in confusion. “You don’t have to anymore. You live here now. Stay with me.”

Although I had heard such words so many times before, hearing them from Alex’s mouth sent a warm shiver down my spine. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing and absorbing everything from him. His warmth, his resinous scent, and his passionate desire. He stepped between my legs, so we touched, and as he played with my piercings, I rubbed our penises together and surrendered to a dance with his tongue.

Eventually, he snuck his hand between my legs and sought my entrance. “Lie down,” he breathed heavily and pushed my legs up. Then he dove in.

At his first touch, I flinched. A tingling sensation ran through my whole body, eliciting a soft moan from me. I felt him inserting a finger into me. The initial pain reminded me that it had indeed been two months since we last had sex. But as the pulling subsided and a tingling spread through me, I melted.

Alex added a second finger, and once again, I was flooded with pain and tensed up.

“Are you okay?” he asked, kissing the inside of my thighs.

“Oh, damn,” I gasped, taking a deep breath to relax.

“It will get easier,” he assured me and took my penis into his mouth.

All pain vanished, leaving only this pulling sensation, this terrible desire for more. I put both hands on his head, drew him closer to me, and devoured him with kisses. He drove me crazy as he withdrew his fingers and shoved them back in.

“Shit, how long are you going to make me wait?”

Alex straightened up and locked eyes with me, breathing heavily. Sweat covered his forehead, and a few strands fell into his face. He looked so damn hot as he looked at me in the red light, unable to keep his hands off his penis.

“You want me?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes.”

He went to the light table and opened a drawer. Then he retreated with a condom and lube. Quickly, he put it on and lubed up his length. “Tell me if it’s too much.” Once he positioned the tip, he pushed into me, taking his time.

It took my breath away, and I struggled for air. The feeling of being filled by him overwhelmed me, and I leaned my head back. He supported my legs and began to move slowly. Forward and backward. And with each thrust, he penetrated even deeper into me.

“Let me hear you,” he said, beginning to masturbate with me.

“Fuck!” I cried out and moaned.

Alex increased the pace, fucking me harder and harder. I fell into a kind of trance and completely lost myself. The slapping of skin, Alex’s panting, and the heat in this red-lit room. Everything was just horny. As much as I wanted it to never end, Alex repeatedly hit that one spot, pushing me to the edge. And then I saw the wave rolling in.

“Oh shit, I’m about to come.”

With those few words, I lit a fuse in Alex. He clung tightly to my legs and thrust into me harder and harder, so I couldn’t control myself anymore, stroking myself faster and moaning loudly as I came on my stomach. Alex came shortly after me and almost collapsed on top of me.

“Oh damn,” he cursed, completely out of breath.

Feeling him pulsate inside me, I sought his mouth and kissed him deeply. His muscles were still trembling, and it was hard for him to stay upright.

“I have to sit down,” he said, breathing heavily, pulling out of me.

“Everything okay?” I chuckled and sat up.

“Yes!” He grinned. “More than good! Damn, it’s already over! Oh God! I need to ... Here ...”

He sank to the floor, leaned back against the wall, and sighed in relief. I followed him, approached him on all fours, and kissed him. I kept interrupting because I couldn’t stop laughing. Eventually, I sat down next to him and took a breath.

“That was nice,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. “I never thought I would say something like that.”

“Because you had no control?”

“By now, I’m not even sure if that was really the case. It seems to me like you were quite vulnerable just then,” Alex said, chuckling. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He brushed his thumb against my cheekbone. “Your black eye is barely visible anymore.”

“Mhm,” I replied, knowing exactly what question was coming.

“How did it happen?”

“I imagined it was you I was fucking,” I said, shrugging. “And when that wasn’t enough, my body revolted, and I puked all over his carpet, which led to one thing after another.”

“Is that what you’d like to do? Fuck me?”

“Maybe ... eventually. But only when you’re ready,” I pulled him close and kissed him. “Don’t worry, I’m not pushing you.”

We sat there for a while, enjoying the silence. I let my gaze wander around the room and stopped at the photos of me—my sleeping self.

“I won’t use the pictures unless I have your consent,” Alex whispered.

“It’s just ... those pictures remind me too much of my shitty past. I don’t want to be in the public eye because of them, but because of my music. Because of what I can do, what I’ve worked for myself.”

“Does that mean it would be okay if I photograph you elsewhere?”

“I think so.”

Alex tackled me from the side, dragging me to the ground and kissing me. “You won’t regret it.”

“I hope not.”

He nibbled on my lips and planted his hand onto my butt. “You’re turning me on so much. Ready for round two?”

I laughed. “I’m fine with us hiding out here until New Year’s.”

“We can. However, my mother won’t take no for an answer. As you know, she has a key. She’ll come, and she’ll cook. And she’ll want to get to know you. You’re part of this family now. So, you’ll just have to tough it out.”

“Can she cook well?”

“Yes, she can. The cookies are from her.”

“Then I guess I’ll tough it out,” I said, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him. “But first, round two.”