Page 13

13

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Noé

The self-hatred and anger tore me apart, causing me to repeatedly slam my fist against the wall until the pain subsided and a numbing sensation spread through my arm. Frustrated, I pressed my forehead against the rough surface, clenched my teeth, and tried to breathe. When my pulse gradually calmed down, I leaned back against the wall and looked up at the sky. I was in some dark alley, not far from the bus station. Like a madman, I had dashed out just to get away from there, and now I felt like the biggest idiot.

There was no other way. Otherwise, I would have stayed and done something even more foolish.

With trembling hands, I pulled out my phone and saw blood trickling over my hand. I had nothing to wrap it with, so I ignored it and dialed the only number that was possible now.

“Where are you?” Tom asked on the other line.

The fact that he knew me so well made me uncomfortable. I winced and exhaled. I couldn’t get a word out.

“Come over.”

“Mhmm,” I mumbled and hung up.

I managed to catch the last regular bus and stood outside Tom’s door fifteen minutes later. He was already in his sweatpants and shirt and let me in without saying a word. At the end of the corridor, I could just see Mia, Tom’s girlfriend, closing the door to the bedroom. Tom took the bass from me and led me into the kitchen, which had a small table and two chairs.

“Sit down,” he said calmly as he filled a glass with water and placed it in front of me.

“Nothing stronger?” I asked, still slightly dazed.

I sat down like a beaten dog and ran my unharmed hand through my hair.

“Not funny,” Tom replied, glaring at me.

Annoyed with myself, I shook my head. If he’d had offered some booze, I wouldn’t have been able to resist. And he was well aware of that.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Angry? Confused? Pissed off? Alone?”

“Are you saying that because you think that’s what I want to hear or because you really are?”

I just sighed and took a sip of water.

“I’ll be right back,” Tom said and left the kitchen.

Shortly afterward I heard him talking to Mia. Ever since I broke her younger sister’s heart and she made a huge scene about it in front of the entire family, I fell to the bottom of Mia’s list of favorite people.

“Is he staying here?” I heard her ask in a grumpy tone.

“I’m definitely not letting him go anywhere else,” Tom replied, just loud enough for me to hear—which I’m sure wasn’t his intention. “He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t serious.”

“Yeah, I know,” Mia replied, not exactly happy. “But don’t take too long, okay? I’ll put out the blanket.”

“You’re the best, thank you, my love.”

Moments later, Tom came back into the kitchen.

“She still hates me,” I said in a monotone voice.

“For that one thing—yes.” Tom set a first-aid kit on the table and wet a cloth at the sink. “But she understands this.”

“Because you told her all my secrets. You know I hate pity.”

“It has nothing to do with pity,” Tom objected, dabbing the blood from the back of my hand. “She knows our situation. I’m very grateful to her and for much more than just the understanding she has for the promise I made to you.”

I flinched in pain and sharply sucked in air.

“You might want to stop taking your anger out on the walls.”

“They don’t deserve anything else.”

“They’re not made of cardboard! You’re hitting bricks here. At some point, you’ll break your hand.”

“I can’t hit them that hard,” I replied wearily.

Tom shook his head and wrapped a bandage on my hand. “I don’t think it’s broken, but you should give it a rest.”

I replied with a grumble.

“I’m serious! You were playing with the pick today.”

Dazed, I stroked my face and didn’t know what to say. Yes, I had played with the pick because my hand was already hurting and I couldn’t slap it.

“You look like shit.”

“That’s how I feel too.”

“Have you eaten anything warm today?”

I shook my head, and Tom headed toward the fridge. “I’ll make you something warm.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“You’ve lost weight, Noé. There’s still lasagna from yesterday.”

“I just want to sleep,” I said. I knew that the longer I stayed in the kitchen with him, the more awkward the conversations would become.I was actually trying to avoid that, but it seemed like Tom knew that too. Maybe that’s why he quickly put the bowl in the microwave.

I was at his mercy, and I was hungry. I was even more grateful that he didn’t serve me the lasagna too hot. It was a huge portion, easily enough for two, and as much as I would have liked to devour it in just a few bites, I was hesitant to attempt it. My stomach had often taken revenge for my ravenous appetite afterward, so I ate slowly.

Meanwhile, Tom boiled some water and made tea. He watched me closely and could see that holding the fork was painful for me.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” he asked once he sat down on the chair across from me.

I knew this question was coming, yet I somehow wasn’t prepared for it. I stared at the almost empty plate for a while.

“A chemsex party,” I muttered, shoving the next bite into my mouth as if to shut myself up.

It still baffled me that in an attempt to escape the drug scene at home, I ended up in another one. And with Alex, of all people! Damn! How could I be so deceived by him? Even though sex with him had always been a silent battle, one I had lost every time— Fuck, man! —I still somehow felt comfortable with him. The thought of him participating in a damn sex orgy right now made me sick, so I tried not to dwell on it—after all, I wanted to keep my food down. And Alex was old enough. He could do whatever he wanted.

Tom was quiet. After another bite, I glanced up and saw him staring at me with his mouth open.

“Shit,” he managed to say, not knowing whether to laugh or not. “But ... What? Isn’t that ...? That’s where guys get together to take drugs and ... How did you end up there? We were just at Hyde.”

I fell silent and concentrated on the lasagna again.

“Don’t tell me you ... What? With Alex?”

The fact that I just shoved a fork in my mouth was all he needed to know.

“Alex? The photographer who looks like ...”

He couldn’t think of anything, so I helped him out. “Clark Kent?”

Tom burst out laughing. “Really now? I thought if he was going to a party, it was to play chess. But chemsex?”

I was on the verge of being able to laugh with him, but there was a part of me that resisted. It was as if a wave of disappointment was trying to engulf me, but I didn’t allow it. Besides, it was just Alex. The guy with the most comfortable bed I’ve come across in months. But it was my silence that made Tom pause.

“He caught you off guard there,” he said.

“Haha,” I forced a chuckle and finished the last bite.

“With the one thing that can break you,” Tom said, his voice full of compassion. “It’s good that you called.”

But I wasn’t so sure anymore and rubbed my cheeks. “Damn it, Tom. There was this one moment when I even thought about staying.”

“But you left. That’s good.”

“It doesn’t feel like it right now. I feel like I’ve lost everything.”

“Everything?” Tom frowned. After a while, he leaned back and clasped his hands behind his head. “You must like Alex more than you think.”

“Nonsense. We hardly know each other. No. Apparently, I don’t know him at all. We’ve only slept together twice, that’s all.”

“If you say so,” he said, unconvinced.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said bluntly, putting the empty plate in the dishwasher. “Mia laid out the blanket. Get some rest. And if you leave without saying goodbye, you’re in trouble.”

“I should be gone before Mia …”

“She’s leaving early tomorrow; she has an overseas flight. Just keep sleeping if she wakes you up.”

I always imagined it would be great to jet around the world as a flight attendant, but every time Mia’s job came up, she got upset and talked about quitting soon.

With my cup, I followed Tom into the living room. There was a huge sofa with several pillows. Next to a freshly made blanket, there was even a pair of sweatpants ready. Tom tugged down the blinds and drew the curtains.

“Do you need anything else?”

I shook my head. “Thanks, Tom.”

“For you, always,” he said, squeezing my arm and leaving me alone.

I changed and brushed my teeth before lying down. Even though I had slept almost all day, I still felt incredibly empty and drained. My life was exhausting right now, and I had no more energy. I kept reaching this point over and over again, and it felt even worse with winter looming on top of everything.

My limbs ached, and I hoped I wouldn’t get sick. The warm-up concert in the rehearsal room was next week. But as much as I longed for sleep and rest, Alex kept haunting my mind and keeping me awake.

I still found it hard to believe how the evening had unfolded. It wasn’t even all the naked men that had thrown me off, but the piles of supplies on the living room table that even my mother could only dream of. Just the thought of what this bunch was doing together—with Alex!—made me dizzy.

He doesn’t fit in there at all .

I should have dragged him out of that apartment and confronted him. But I had been too preoccupied with keeping the monster locked up, awakened by all that stuff lying around. And it was still raging, rabidly beating against the bars in my mind and emitting heart-wrenching sounds as if it were about to die. I pressed my palms against my forehead and fought against the whirlpool that wanted to make me search Tom’s apartment; even though I knew there was nothing to find here.

I then fell into a state that I wasn’t sure was sleep, but it plunged me into the darkness of my dreams. Even though I knew it wasn’t reality, I couldn’t free myself from this dream. It brought back the memory of being intoxicated, a state from which I never wanted to wake up.

A strange noise eventually reached my ears and woke me up. I felt hungover as if I had been drinking all night. I struggled to turn to my side and remove the blanket from my head. Tom was sitting on the long chair placed at my feet, pressing buttons on a game controller while playing soccer on the muted, flickering flat screen. The blinds were up, allowing the sun to stream through the thick gray cloud cover.

“Good morning!” he said cheerfully. “How are you?”

“I feel like crap,” I muttered, struggling into an upright position. My voice sounded even worse, and now my throat hurt too.

“I figured. The paracetamol is over there. But eat something first.”

“Is it already noon?” I asked, tying my hair back.

“Yeah, you slept like a log. There’s milk and cornflakes. Help yourself.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. I shuffled into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of cereal. Tom was still playing his game as I sat down on the couch and ate the flakes.

“You’re staying here for the weekend,” he said, his gaze focused on the screen. “Mia has a New York flight and won’t be back until Monday. She says hi and tells you to keep your hands off my conditioner.”

“Haha,” I said humorlessly.

“You can rest here.”

“Thanks,” I said between spoonfuls. “I just want to hide, actually.”

“And get well,” he added. “I heard you coughing during the night. Is that concert on Thursday?”

“Yeah, are you coming too?”

“I’d really like to, but it’s Mia’s birthday. No chance she wants to spend it in the rehearsal room.”

“I understand,” I said and laughed.

“But I won’t miss the album launch party for sure.”

“Has that Dani guy contacted you yet?”

“Yeah, he sent me a text. He’s coming to the rehearsal room on Wednesday. The guy even plays double bass, I heard.”

“Cool.”

“Well, if we’re going to replace you, let’s do it properly.”

“He’s not replacing me,” I said dryly.

Tom paused the game and looked at me. “No, he’s just filling in for you on tour. I promise. But that’s three months. You can call it replacing.”

“Maybe.”

“You still haven’t grasped it, have you? You’re going on tour, man! You’re set for three months. You’ll have food every day, a warm bed, and music! How cool is that?”

“Yeah, sure. I …” Shaking my head, I furrowed my brow. “I have no idea what that means. Everything happened so fast. The songs are in the bag, and in three weeks, there’s a freaking album release party. How am I supposed to go on tour then?”

“I’m happy for you,” Tom said, putting the controller down. “Really. You’ve worked so hard for this.”

“Thanks.” I got up and returned the empty bowl to the kitchen. There was a jug of fresh tea, from which I poured myself a cup, and retreated to the living room. While eating had made me feel a little better, I still took another pill. After swallowing it, I reached for my phone and scrolled through the news.

“Are you okay?” Tom asked out of the blue.

I looked at him and masked his concerned tone with a smile. “Yeah.”

“Do you have enough money? I mean … tough weeks are ahead of you.”

“Yeah, I’ve been able to set aside some money. And otherwise, I still have the emergency stash.”

“You mean your mom’s benzos. No, that’s not a solution.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

Tom shook his head but kept his concerned gaze on me, so I glanced back at my phone.

“Why are you still wearing that leather jacket?” he asked, and I gave him an irritated look. “It’s freezing outside. Remember last year when Pascal gave you a coat?”

“You don’t miss a thing,” I grumbled.

“And?”

“Guess three times. She obviously sold it.”

“Oh no.”

“It’s my own fault. I should’ve stored it somewhere else.”

“That’s bullshit!” Tom exclaimed angrily. “And you know it. I can see your hand.”

I took a deep breath but didn’t say anything about it. Moments like these left me at a loss. I felt a deep shame in me, and I was completely vulnerable to it. Tom knew I didn’t like to talk about such things, but he was also the one who had shown me that it was okay to talk about them. “That was last night,” I said, peering at my broken hand. “I was just angry. That’s all.”

Out of nowhere, Alex snuck back into my thoughts. I knew those parties lasted for several days. The means were openly available. As much as I wanted to convince myself that Alex truly didn’t know what was going on there, the way he was greeted by those guys spoke otherwise.

“You seem down,” Tom remarked.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“And what’s up with this Alex? Do you like him?”

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

“I know you.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “He can go to hell.”

“You said you slept together.”

“Do you really want the details? It was just a stupid coincidence. He also photographs the band and stuff. I thought ... I thought I knew him, but I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry.”

I rolled my eyes and reached for the second controller. “You don’t have to be sorry. There’s nothing there. Let’s just play.”

Tom sighed, appearing disinterested in the game. “Maybe it’s not what you think. Maybe you should talk to him.”

“Why would I do that?” I was getting impatient. “I don’t want anything from him.”

“Still, talk to him. He seems like a nice guy to me.”

“He’s a weirdo.”

“Maybe, but you should see your face when you talk about him.”

“Stop it now!” I snapped at him. “We both know how that would end. And no matter what happens, ultimately it’s my fault. Maybe I should just give him Mia’s sister’s number, because either way, I’ll be the jerk again.”

“Come back to the group sometime.”

I froze at his unexpected comment. Where did that come from all of a sudden? I grimaced, desperate to end this conversation. “Are we playing or not?”

“Promise me you’ll come back soon.”

“Okay, if it makes you happy.”

A grin spread across Tom’s face. “That’s good.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. Your self-hatred is starting to take over again. And you know that visiting there will do you good.”

I was tired and wanted to get through the days in peace. As much as I wished I were somewhere else right now, I was still grateful to have Tom around me. And relieved when he finally brought up the game menu and added me as the second player.