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18

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Noé

I nervously paced back and forth in the parking lot, trying to ignore the incoming crowd. I shivered, wearing just the leather jacket over my tank top, but I had other concerns at the moment.

“I can’t do this,” I choked out, barely able to catch my breath.

“Yes, you can,” Tom said with confidence from the other end of the line. I didn’t need to see him to know he was suppressing a grin.

“You’re laughing at me.”

“Just a little.”

“Fuck, I’m freaking out!”

“Find somewhere to retreat. Warm up your voice and take deep breaths. The underground parking is good; no one’s there at this time.”

“No, I don’t have reception there.”

This time, Tom laughed out loud. “Well, this is new. You’re usually not nervous.”

“There’s nothing wrong with playing bass. No one pays attention to the bassist. Everyone’s eyes are on the singer. How do you manage?”

“No idea. I just do it.”

I nervously nibbled on my fingernails, something I never did before.

“You’ll be fine, Noé. Just try to have fun.”

“It would be much easier if you were here.”

He laughed again. “Where’s that coming from all of a sudden?”

“No idea,” I said, although I knew very well. We had been playing together for two years now. I had never played a concert without Tom before. And just now, at my first one, he wasn’t there. Plus, what happened with Alex last night still hung over me like a snarling monster, and it was impossible to ignore the heavy feeling pressing on me from all sides. It squeezed my lungs and made even breathing a struggle.

Unfortunately, Tom had a knack for these things and sensed through the phone that something was up. “We didn’t have a chance to speak yesterday evening at rehearsal ... Did you talk to Alex?”

I grimaced and anxiously paced in circles. “There’s nothing to talk about,” I said as monotone as I could. “It’s in the past. Done.”

“Oh ... and why?”

I shook my head. “Just because.”

“Okay.” In the background, I heard a door open and Mia’s voice. “I’ll be right there,” Tom said, followed by another door closing. “Is he using?” he whispered.

“Mhmm,” I managed. The weight on my chest became even heavier. A pain stirred inside me that somehow felt foreign.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. “There was nothing there.”

“Hmm,” he said thoughtfully, sounding far from convinced.

I rolled my eyes. “Forget it. What are you guys doing tonight?”

“We’re going out to eat. To her favorite restaurant.”

“Nice, then give her my congratulations.”

“I will.” I spotted Marco at the entrance, and as soon as he saw me, he headed toward my direction. “I have to go,” I said, turning my back to Marco.

“Have fun!”

“Thanks, you too.” I hung up and took a deep breath.

“What are you doing here?” Marco asked, rubbing his muscular arms against the cold.

I held up my phone in response.

“Don’t tell me you have stage fright. I thought you were on stage every Friday.”

“Not helpful,” I grumbled, pushing my hair back.

“We’re about to start in about fifteen minutes. Is that okay?”

I nodded, noticing a heavy lump in my stomach this time. Was it there earlier too? I barely ate anything today. “I’ll be there,” I managed to say. “Just need to find a place to warm up my voice.”

“There are also bathrooms on the second floor. You’ll have privacy there.”

“Good idea.”

Everyone rushed straight to the basement, where the rehearsal room was. And since hardly anyone knew yet that I was the new singer, no one cared when I disappeared upstairs.

I paced in front of the urinals and warmed up my vocal cords while trying to motivate myself.

Eventually, I stood in front of the mirror, watching my chest rise and fall as if I had just sprinted. In an instant, Alex crept into my thoughts. How he lay on top of me and kissed me passionately. My pants felt tight all of a sudden.

Shit! Forget about the guy!

“I love you,” he said.

What the fuck...

And now? What does he expect from me? I have no idea what love is supposed to be like!

Fuck! Why am I even thinking about this? The guy was totally high!

And what’s wrong with me that I let him fuck me like that!

How could I even allow that?

It seemed like forever ago that I had been on top, yet the night with Steffan was barely a week ago. It was high time to look for new people. Winter was around the corner. A few extra sleeping options wouldn’t hurt.

The door swung open and Marco peered inside. “Where are you, man? We were afraid you’d chickened out!”

I glanced at my phone and was surprised at how late it was already. Everything happened very quickly. I followed Marco downstairs to the rehearsal room. There were already so many people that I just pushed past them and followed Marco onto the stage without looking up.

“Are you ready?” he asked, strapping on his bass.

I made a circular motion with my hand, signaling to the band to start, plugged in my in-ears, and stepped up to the microphone. The audience started moving and applauding. And I greeted them with a long, throaty scream.

As if my voice catapulted me into another world, all nervousness fell away from me and all nagging thoughts dissolved. I felt lighter than ever. From the first note, I captivated the stage, the audience, and the whole room. I flirted with the women in front of the stage and let my gaze wander to the back row. I didn’t hesitate to exude my sex appeal and even grabbed myself once. I sang as if my life depended on it, boosting the energy in the room until it almost sparked. Between songs, I let Marco introduce me and received applause. The stage was my element, and I was right where I belonged. In a place where I had control and doubts didn’t exist.

***

As we stood later in the parking lot next to Chris’s car, I still found it hard to stand still; God, I was so heated and horny, I could have burst.

While the party in the rehearsal room continued, the two guitarists loaded their instruments into the trunk.

Chris patted me on the shoulder. “You were awesome!”

Despite not wearing a jacket I didn’t even feel the cold anymore and just nodded.

“The guy’s doubting himself!” Lukas sang as he came around the car.

“No, I ...” But now, as the adrenaline subsided, self-doubt started to creep in. “I shouldn’t have gone too overboard with the song Diggin’.”

“Nonsense!” Marco exclaimed. “You delivered a flawless show. Considering you haven’t known the songs for long ... Hats off!”

“We still have two rehearsals to fine-tune things,” Chris said.

“Oh man, you guys!” Marco threw his hands up in the air, then spotted someone he knew at the entrance. “Lu! How’d you like it?”

The guy took a drag of his cigarette, blew out the smoke, and smiled. “Good! You guys rocked!”

“See!” Marco said. “It’s going to be great! We’re already good. So, the album release is going to be awesome!”

I laughed at Marco’s logic, feeling somewhat reassured.

“Well then, we’re off,” Chris said, who, like Lukas and Ramon, had to work on Friday.

Marco stayed, and I had no reason to leave either. I didn’t even have a clue where I was going to stay tonight, but luckily, the night was still young.

But one thing I knew. I urgently needed to calm down somehow. I was buzzing. Being adored on stage for an hour and a half had my body so ready.

I said goodbye to Lukas, then Marco dragged me back to the entrance. This Lu guy was still standing there, just stubbing out his cigarette. “Noé, this is Lucien. Lu, this is our new singer, Noé.”

The fluorescent lights above us made Lucien’s green eyes shine like emeralds. His hair was slightly tousled in all directions, and as if trying to tame it, he had tucked a few strands behind his ear. I liked his flawless fair skin and how his collarbone showed in the V-neck. The guy was to die for. My pants felt even tighter.

“Okay...” Marco said, slightly embarrassed. “I... I’ll just go piss.”

As soon as he disappeared into the building, I realized the situation and had to laugh at myself. Lucien was hot, and from the way he looked at me, definitely not opposed. I had seen him during the concert, and he had already caught my eye there. Standing in front of him now made my pulse excitedly tremble.

“I saw you from the stage,” I said, taking a step closer.

For a moment, he seemed taken aback, and I wondered if I was pushing too hard. When a smile spread across Lucien’s beautiful lips and he licked them, I felt relieved. And then he licked his lips again.

“You were really hot up there on stage.”

I wanted to grab him right there, press him against the wall, and devour him. I fought back with all my might. But I also didn’t want to drag it out unnecessarily, so I took a risk and said, “We could have some fun together.” I shrugged it off.

His brows twitched, indicating he was thinking. But then a tentative smile spread across his gorgeous lips, and his green eyes sparkled expectantly. “Okay.”

I opened the entrance door and let him go first; no way were we going to fool around out here in the cold. I was ready and wanted him right then and there. He turned around in the entrance and motioned for directions. The party was still going on downstairs, so I gestured upward with a glance. With a smile, he climbed the stairs.

An expectant tingling ran through my body as I followed him. My thoughts briefly wandered to Alex. How I could always lose the silent battle against him remained a mystery to me.

Forget it , I told myself. The guy is history.

On the dimly lit landing, Lucien turned around, grabbed me by the shoulders, and pressed me against the wall.

So wild!

With a hungry gaze, Lucien ran his hand over my chest, neck, and touched my lips. The air between us was electrified. And when we couldn’t take it anymore, we kissed. Passionately and fiercely. He slid his tongue into my mouth, and I met it with mine. His body pressed me even harder against the wall, and I felt his hard penis against my stomach. I slid my hands under his shirt, stroking his hips, back, and chest. I played with his nipples and absorbed all his warmth. My cock was almost bursting, and when Lucien pressed his pelvis against me, I gasped. He grabbed me by the throat and once again took possession of my mouth. I was so horny that I couldn’t wait anymore and started working on his belt. Meanwhile, his grip around my neck became tighter, which made my lungs feel constricted and spread throughout my body. Normally, being lightly choked turned me on, but as Lucien leaned against me again, I felt uncomfortable.

I couldn’t think clearly anymore. My body craved more but reacted panicky at the same time. With trembling hands, I tried to undo Lucien’s belt, but all my muscles tensed up.

Shit! What’s happening here?

I felt a sudden loss of breath as my heart raced, but I couldn’t separate my lips from his. Even though I knew it was only seconds, it felt like an eternity. I was in a whirlwind of desire and fear. Lucien was everywhere, and my body screamed for satisfaction, but it also made it clear to me that this was wrong.

But what exactly was wrong?

I clung to Lucien and tried to ignore the uncomfortable sensations. Since I didn’t have an answer, I could just keep going. Besides, it wasn’t the first time I had fun with someone.

This is all Alex’s fault. But just because I lost the battle against him doesn’t mean I have to let myself be ...

But it was Lucien who had control here, dominating me against the wall. As much as my cock pulsed against my pants, there was something that made it impossible for me to surrender to him. The way things were going here, it was leading to him topping me. And instead of turning the tables, I was paralyzed.

At that exact moment, everything became clear to me.

It was okay for Alex to take me, dominate me, even fuck me, but no one else.

What happened next surprised me. I mustered all my strength to push Lucien away, he abruptly backed off of me.

“Whoa!” he exclaimed, startled. “What the hell ...”

I stared at him, puzzled, breathless, and swallowed hard. What just happened? “I’m sorry, I ...” I had no idea what I was apologizing for, but it was the only thing that came to mind.

Lucien wiped his mouth and nodded. “Me too.”

It seemed like I wasn’t the only one confused about something. The storm in my head subsided, and a face forced its way back into my mind.

Alex.

Damn.

Even if I had turned the tables and Lucien had agreed, I couldn’t fuck him. But my body yearned for relief and took control. When I took a step toward Lucien, he drew in a breath.

“I don’t know if I can,” he said, spitting out the words. “It’s not because of you! I’ve met someone...”

I couldn’t help but smile. It had always served me well so far. Besides, Alex was still on my mind—and my cock was screaming.

“How about ...?” I glanced down at his bulging crotch and licked my lips suggestively. It wasn’t rude since Lucien’s expression indicated that he was not unwilling just because he had met someone. However, he deserved the truth, especially since my thoughts were solely focused on Alex at the moment. “We can both think about the person swirling around in our heads,” I said softly.

He didn’t need to say anything. The pleading look in his eyes was enough for me. I sank to my knees in front of him, freed his penis from his pants, and took it into my mouth. And as I blew him and pleasured myself, I thought about Alex, how he pushed me onto the bed and fucked me hard.

***

“Thanks,” Lucien said, exhaling smoke.

We sat next to each other, legs stretched out, leaning against the wall on the cold floor of the landing. I studied him for a while until he winked at me, making me smile. The guy had a charm like I hadn’t encountered in a while. Sure, he had already had a few drinks, but I got the impression that he took this strange situation we found ourselves in much more casually than I did.

“Who were you thinking about?” I ventured to ask.

Lucien eyed the cigarette between his fingers and shook his head slowly. “My roommate. And you?”

I rubbed my nose. “I don’t know what to call him.”

“Are you in love?”

“No,” I replied wearily. Such questions were always so ridiculous. “I don’t know what love is. It’s about control.”

“You blew me. Do you consider that something you can control?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t ... vulnerable to you in that sense.”

“You just needed to say something. I would have gladly let you fuck me.”

He winked mischievously at me again, causing me to burst out laughing. “Good to know, but if you live with this guy, we probably won’t see each other again anytime soon.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, nothing much.” I didn’t want to think about myself and my miserable life, so I changed the subject. “What makes your roommate so special?”

“The fact that I couldn’t even fully focus on you?” he asked as if he wanted to finish my sentence. But at the same time, he reached for his forehead and pushed back his lock of hair. “He’s so disgustingly religious. So upright and completely misguided by faith that it drives you insane. I want to shake him, but then I look at him and he reminds me of my ex.”

“You don’t believe in God, I take it.”

“Is it that obvious?”

I just pursed my lips.

“Do you believe in God?” he asked back.

“God left me a long time ago,” I replied in a low tone, shrugging. “But I didn’t give him a chance to come back after all the shit that happened.”

“And the person you don’t know what to call lets you fuck them?”

“No, that’s the irony of it all,” I admitted, surprised at how easy it was to talk to Lucien. “When I’m with him, I completely forget myself. I would never have allowed him to fuck me and take control otherwise. It was already a mistake that I allowed it at all.”

I’m not just doing all this for fun. Although ... with Alex ... Damn!

I chuckled with a hint of sorrow. “The guy is my downfall, and yet I can’t seem to let him go.”

“Yeah, that sounds familiar,” Lucien said absentmindedly.

His face held a deep sadness, but that was a story for another time.