Page 14

14

–––––

Noé

I stayed at Tom’s until Monday morning. It did me good because I was on the verge of getting sick. With the medication, I got back on my feet and managed to shake off the melancholy that had gripped me in the past few days. On Sunday, I even made a joke about chemsex parties, which prompted Tom to shut me down completely.

“If I make jokes about it, it’s okay, but it’s not funny coming from you.”

“Oh, come on! Don’t be such a square,” I teased him.

“You’re the square here!” he shot back. “But that’s okay. Because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here now; you’d probably be partying with your mom.”

I was in good enough shape to laugh at this comment, although Tom apologized and said it slipped out.

On Monday, he handed me a black parka and said, “You can have this. I don’t need it anymore. Do you want to store your jackets here?”

“I’ll take them to the rehearsal room. But thanks.”

“Where are you going?” he asked as we left the house together at eight in the morning.

“I’m going to check on things at home,” I replied, unable to hide my annoyance. “But I definitely don’t want to be here when Mia comes back.”

“No, that’s probably for the best,” he said and laughed, locking the door.

We walked to the tram station together. I was still amazed at how much Tom’s life had changed in the last two years, and I was happy for him. He was a junkie from a broken family, but he had managed to get clean and even snagged a position at the jazz school. And since he had been with Mia, he was more stable than ever.

“See you on Wednesday?” he asked, and I thought I detected a bit of concern in his voice.

I zipped up the parka to my chin and nodded. “Yeah, I have to show that double bass Dani how it’s done.”

When the tram arrived, we said our goodbyes, and I set off on foot toward Langstrasse. I didn’t want to go home, but somehow I felt obligated to stop by for a bit. So I was relieved to find an empty apartment. I did some laundry, tidied up a bit, and left the house around noon.

After a quiet weekend, the rehearsal room drew me in like a magnet. I wanted to play, specifically my songs. And that’s what I did. I spent all day and the next one there, leaving the band room once to get some food. I even stayed there overnight and continued working on my songs on Tuesday. Before the rehearsal with Nightrain started, I grabbed some food again, and when I returned, the others were already there, setting up.

“Hey, guys!” I said, sitting down on the couch next to Chris, who was still typing something on his phone.

“You sound hoarse,” Marco exclaimed in disbelief.

“Oh, that’s nothing new,” I said, biting into my sandwich.

“Are you sick?” Ramon asked.

“I’m fine. I’m back on my feet.”

“Maybe you should take it easy today,” Lukas said, concerned. “This way, you’ll be fully ready on Thursday.”

Taking it easy again , I thought wearily. I had taken off the bandage from my hand this morning. It still hurt, but it attracted less attention than if I had kept it on. “I thought we were playing the songs from the first album today.”

“But not if your voice is shot on Thursday.”

“Don’t worry.”

“Guys!” Chris exclaimed, holding up his phone. “We got the gig!”

“Cool!” Lukas, Marco, and Ramon cheered.

“What gig?” I wanted to know.

“On December 17th at the Exil. Together with two other bands. They’re having a rock night there.”

“Cool,” I said, secretly glad to have a date to look forward to, especially around Christmas time, which was always the worst.

“Isn’t that a Friday?” Marco asked, looking at me. “Then you have your gig at Hyde.”

Chris was already shaking his head. “No, it’s a Saturday.”

“There’s a concert break at Hyde over Christmas anyway,” I said, taking another bite of my sandwich.

“You have a concert break?” Chris asked in surprise. “When does it start? We wanted to come by soon.”

“No idea, but I think we’ll still be playing until early December.”

“We’ll definitely come,” Marco assured.

I finished my sandwich with a smile.

“So let’s play!” Chris said eagerly, sitting down behind the drums.

I had listened to the songs from the first album every chance I got and was therefore well prepared. However, I saved my voice and held back.

When we packed up around half past nine, and I glanced at my phone, there was a message from Sabrina. I hadn’t even thought about where I was going to stay tonight, but a shower wouldn’t have been bad.

“Are you coming over?” she asked with a kissing emoji.

“Do you think ten crates of beer will be enough for Thursday?” Marco asked as we left the rehearsal room together.

“With the vodka and juice ... I think so,” Ramon replied.

“A few people have already promised to bring something themselves,” Lukas said.

I always stayed out of these discussions about alcohol and parties since I didn’t drink. Even if I did, I didn’t have enough money to chip in for a party. As we left the building, I sent a message to Sabrina instead.

“How long are you staying up?” I wrote back, ignoring the fact that she had ditched me at the last minute before.

“Who do we have here?” Marco called out joyfully. “The photographer!”

Immediately, I looked up. Alex? How ... What? He was leaning against the car, clearly forcing a smile. His hair looked tousled, with a few strands falling over his forehead, giving him a wild and dangerous look.

“Hey, Alex!” Chris greeted him. “Why didn’t you come inside?”

“I wanted to wait out here,” he replied somewhat stiffly.

The guys joked and made small talk with him, while I stood seven feet away, staring at him as if paralyzed. He looked good in his black jacket and dark purple scarf. Even the stubble suited him, making his distinctive face look his age. Normally, he always appeared perfectly groomed. I was okay with that, but now he was really hot.

I had pushed what happened last Friday so far out of my mind that I hadn't even thought about what would happen when I saw him again. And although I had just realized that I wanted to avoid this moment, my body reacted in a completely inappropriate way, causing my cock to twitch.

“I ... was actually waiting for Noé,” Alex said in a dry and formal manner, pushing his glasses up like a lawyer.

At the same time, my phone buzzed in my hand. Slightly flustered, I glanced at it.

“Until midnight is okay,” Sabrina replied promptly.

As I glanced up again and met Alex’s gaze, a shiver ran down my spine. He pressed his lips together, and there was seriousness between his brows. In his eyes, there was a glint of sadness, shame, and pain. No words were necessary. He let me know that he was sorry.

Meanwhile, Marco made some stupid remarks while Ramon thanked him for the link to the photos. Lukas yawned and left first.

“Are you going with him?” Chris asked, who would have otherwise given me a ride back to the city.

I clutched my broken hand to my phone and heard Tom’s advice in the back of my mind. Give him a chance . I cleared my throat and nodded. “Yeah, looks like it. Thanks.”

“Oh no,” Marco said. “You screwed the photographer.”

Immediately, I slapped Marco on the back of his head. “Even if I did, that’s none of your business.” I walked past him and opened the car door. “See you on Thursday!” Sitting in the passenger seat, I closed the door and took out my phone. With trembling hands, I sent Sabrina a message.

“Sorry, something came up.”

“Are you kidding me?” she replied immediately.

“No,” I messaged back, but I asked myself what I was doing here.

Was it really just the prospect of Alex’s bed that made me get into the car? You idiot , I scolded myself. Get out! But my body felt incredibly heavy. Slowly, I sank deeper into the seat and took a deep breath. You’re strong enough. He just wants to apologize. And ... God, he looks hot!

A message from Sabrina popped up on my phone. “Fuck you, Noé!”

Bitch. Standing me up is okay. But the other way around ... Whatever ... She’ll get in touch again.

Opening the driver’s door, Alex got in. I put my phone away, and our eyes met. There was great relief in his face that I had spared him a lot, but he didn’t say anything. He waved to the guys again, then drove off.

I sat there in silence, feeling my heart race against my chest. Questions piled up in my mind.

How was your weekend? How many guys did you fuck? How many lines did you snort? How long did the orgy last? Why the hell do you look so hot? What are you planning? Why aren’t you saying anything? Is this your car?

I massaged my forehead, kept my mouth shut, and tried to focus on something else. Not only was my heart pounding wildly, but there was also a gaping emptiness in my stomach, which wasn’t surprising, considering all I had eaten today was a sandwich.

Maybe I should just get the thing with Alex over with and then get a kebab on Langstrasse. That’s sensible .

***

Everything seemed somehow different to me—not just Alex, but his apartment too. Sitting on the couch, I looked out over nighttime Zurich toward downtown, trying not to let my nervousness show.

What am I doing here, damn it?

As I gazed around the room, I spotted a strange box on the coffee table. It looked peculiar, and I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I picked it up and turned it over in my hands. The box had a lid, but there was nothing inside. There was a small hole in the bottom, about the size of a pin, which could be closed from the outside with a flap. When Alex came out of the bathroom, I held up the thing.

“What’s this?”

“Oh ... a camera obscura,” he said, relieved that our conversation started with something he was familiar with. Still, he remained slightly bewildered standing next to me and took the cardboard box from my hand. “It’s for taking photos. I can show you if you want.”

I squinted my eyes, puzzled. “Photos?”

“Yeah, that’s the basic principle of photography.” He removed the lid and held it up. “I put the paper in here. And here”—he pointed at the small hole in the box—“the light comes in. It falls onto the photo paper and reproduces the environment. Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Shortly afterward, he returned with the box. To my surprise, he turned on all the lamps, almost flooding the living room with light. Romance is probably not on the agenda , I thought and couldn’t help but smirk.

“Sorry,” Alex said, placing the box on the table in front of us. “But we need all the light we can get.”

I stayed in the same spot as he loosened the flap from the small hole and walked around the sofa, before finally standing behind me.

“What do I need to do?” I asked, my eyes darting from side to side.

“Nothing,” he replied, leaning slightly down toward me. “Just sit like that—for the next three minutes.”

The way he whispered his words so close to my ear sent a cold shiver down my spine, making me tense up. It was hard for me to focus on the black box. Alex’s scent filled my nose, and I felt his breath on my neck.

Damn it, Alex!

Three minutes?

I wanted to jump up, but I had no idea what would come next. Should I flee the apartment? Or drag Alex into the bedroom and finally fuck?

Time stood still. I became a statue, while a storm raged inside me. Hearing Alex’s uneven breath next to my ear was only a faint comfort. It wasn’t until I felt his warmth radiating onto me that I managed to relax a bit.

True relief, however, only came when he straightened up and disappeared into the darkroom with the camera. Completely exhausted, I collapsed onto the cushion. As tumultuous as the situation had been, it left behind a strangely intimate energy. It had felt good to feel Alex behind me. His presence had a calming effect on me and even helped me endure the time.

“It turned out well,” he said when he emerged from the darkroom with a photo in his hand. “You can have it.”

Sitting up, I reached for the picture in his hand.

The paper was still damp and slightly sticky, but the photo clearly showed the two of us. Reversed. Me on the couch and Alex behind me, his head over my left shoulder. We both looked serious, yet there were so many emotions hidden in our eyes, our posture, and our closeness.

“I can’t accept this,” I said immediately, wanting to give it back to him.

“Of course you can. It’s an original. Keep it.”

As I stared at the picture, my racing heart made itself known again. I breathed unevenly. “Thank you.” My voice was only a whisper and sounded too melancholic, so I pushed aside all those strange feelings and put on my charming smile.

Alex, however, seemed more serious than ever. He stood there motionless, with a solemn expression. “I’m really sorry I dragged you to that party,” he said, his voice tinged with shame. “It was absolutely idiotic of me. I wasn’t thinking. Obviously, I had a completely wrong perception of you.”

“How did you come to think that I ...? I mean ... I don’t even drink alcohol.”

Alex raised his eyebrows and laughed incredulously. “What you had in your glass at Hyde clearly looked like gin and tonic or whatever.”

“It was just soda.”

“I’m just an idiot,” he said, shrugging.

It was tearing him apart; I could see that. He nervously pushed back his hair again and again, which wouldn’t stay in place and fell back into his face. As he put away his glasses, he looked even hotter than before. Everything about him drew me in. His beautiful dark eyes, desperately searching the room for the right words. His full lips, tortured by his teeth. Yes, even his hard-earned smile was irresistible.

“Are you hungry?” he asked out of the blue. “I could cook something.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t even sure if he saw that because he was already running to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator. “You don’t need to bother.”

“No, I ... I want to apologize to you. And dragging you to such a party was just stupid. I, um, have ravioli.”

“From the can is fine.”

“Not from the can! From Italy. Extra frozen, for such moments. You have the choice between lemon-ricotta or porcini mushrooms.”

“Oh, um ...” I was overwhelmed.

“I’ll just make both,” he said and retrieved two bags of frozen ravioli from the freezer.

After just ten minutes, he called me to the table and served me the by far best ravioli I had ever eaten. I didn’t mind at all that he watched me the whole time. He took his time eating his ravioli, and I didn’t even need to look at him to know that he was still under high tension. I had been sitting in front of my empty plate for a while when he finally finished his portion too. Meanwhile, I had come to the conclusion that it would be better for me not to stay here. I stood up and stepped back from the table.

“I should go.”

“No, please, I ...” Alex also got up and took a step toward me, causing me to take one back.

“Your apology is accepted, but ...” I turned away from him and wanted to pick up my things from the coffee table.

“I didn’t stay,” he said.

Surprised, I stopped halfway and turned to him. He stood next to the dining table looking completely exhausted.

“I couldn’t,” he said laboriously. “The whole time, I only thought of you. And I felt so ... shitty. Words alone aren’t enough to apologize. Not even these measly ravioli.”

“They were very tasty,” I said, deeply touched.

Damn it! What does this guy have? He never had such an effect on me before.

“Please, Noé. Stay.”

That was the last straw. I walked toward him with quick strides, grabbed him by the upper arm, and ushered him into the bedroom with me.

“What ...?”

But before Alex could say any more, I pushed him backward onto the bed and sat on top of him, taking his head between both hands and kissing him passionately. I took possession of his mouth with my tongue and snuggled up to him with my whole body. Pulling up his shirt, I kissed his nipples, diving deeper and deeper and leaving a trail on his stomach until I reached the waistband. I nimbly opened his pants and slid them down along with his boxer briefs. Alex’s cock was already hard as a rock and pulsing in front of my face.

I’m going to do it this time , I thought and took his penis in my mouth.

Alex grabbed my hair and moaned. I pushed my head back and forth, sucking and playing with his glans with my tongue until he pushed his pelvis toward me.

“For fuck’s sake, Noé! You’re driving me crazy!” he gasped.

I pulled my sweater and shirt over my head and bent down to him again, kissed his tip, and spread the pre-cum with my fingers. I massaged his balls with my other hand and slid further and further down. But before I found his hole, he shot up, grabbed me by the shoulders, and threw me onto my back.

Not again.

But before I could regain the upper hand, he pressed his lips to my mouth, sank his tongue in, and made me melt away.

No! Not this time!

I broke free of his grip, rolled over him, and pinned his hands over his head. “Let me fuck you,” I whispered breathlessly.

“No,” he gasped, freeing himself and regaining the upper hand. “You can’t.”

For a moment, I didn’t understand anything and looked at him in irritation. He opened my trousers and pushed them down.

“You’re so sexy, Noé,” he said and lay on top of me. “So incredibly sexy.”

He kissed me again with passion, stroking my cheek and neck tenderly with his hand. As he pulled away from me, he began sucking on my nipple piercing.

I threw my head back and clawed at his shoulders. That was not good. Not good at all. How could I just let him take all control away from me? And in doing so, I found myself craving him more and more. He was driving me crazy. And not the other way around. So much so that I didn’t even know where my head was anymore.

He stopped all of a sudden. “Tell me it’s okay.”

He was on top of me like a predator, glaring at me with a greedy look, and didn’t touch me at all. I felt so uncomfortably naked. But no matter how much my body craved his touch, I wasn’t even able to reach out for him. My breath hitched and I swallowed.

“I need to hear that it’s okay for you. I don’t want to push you.”

His voice sounded weak and scared. And there was that brief moment when I saw something flash in his eyes.

Fear? Panic?

“It’s okay,” I said.

And as if he could read it in my face, this desire for him that was almost tearing me apart, he lay back down on top of me, touching me all over, stroking my neck, my chest, my ribs, and sliding a hand over my bottom.

I was defenseless, lost in his spell, and wanted nothing more than him. He turned me onto my stomach, pulled me onto all fours, and began to prepare my entrance. When I felt his tongue again, a sigh escaped me. The last time he had done this had already rendered me completely will-less, forcing me to forget everything around me.

The crackling of a condom packet brought me back and I glanced over my shoulder. Alex’s gaze was dark and greedy. His chest rose and fell excitedly as he licked his lips and slipped the rubber on. He moved closer, penetrating me slowly.

I held my breath and tried to hold out. I breathed deeply to relax. He didn’t wait long and started to move. He knew my body better by now, so he found the one spot after just a few thrusts and elicited a moan from me. I clawed at the sheet and pressed myself against Alex. He got increasingly faster and rammed himself harder into me with every thrust, making me gasp.

I would never have thought that he would go so hard when we first met. Apart from the fact that I was completely wrong about him anyway, he showed me more and more sides of himself that surprised me. I loved the way he took me, firmly and impetuously, the way he made me feel desirable and made an effort not to hurt me despite the rough sex.

I turned my head to watch him fuck me, but it ignited a spark in Alex. He jerked out of me, turned me onto my back, and penetrated me again. A muffled moan escaped me as I held onto his shoulders, my fingers stroking his chest and stomach muscles.

He picked up the pace again and found my pleasure spot, making me throw my head back and moan. “Oh fuck, what are you doing to me?”

“Are you ready?” he asked, panting.

“Almost.”

“Then come for me.”

My muscles contracted and I came with a loud groan. Shortly afterward, Alex pulled out of me, took off the rubber, and wanked himself until he came on my stomach.

“God! Yes!” He propped himself up with one elbow next to my head and milked every last drop of his hardness with the other hand.

The sight of him made me feel warm and affectionate, so I stroked his cheek and smiled. Breathing heavily, he rested his forehead against mine, his body still twitching. The moment when we both came down was so intimate, the closeness to him so familiar. A tingle went through my whole body as he stroked my forehead and stared deep into my eyes. When he leaned in and kissed me, I melted.

Oh fuck , I thought. Where is this going?