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Alex

I love you. My goodness! What got into me?

The words just came out of my mouth like my breath. And they felt so honest; far too light for a lie.

What did I expect from it anyway? We only fuck!

Everything spun around me, and I was sure it wasn’t because of the sleepless night or the drugs.

Damn it! I told Noé that I love him! Several times!

How stupid was that?

And now he’s gone.

Maybe forever?

I hope not.

“I’m sorry if I interrupted something,” my mother said, clutching the handle of the paper bag with both hands. “Should I go?”

I sighed and rubbed my face. “No, come in. You couldn’t have known.”

She kissed me on the cheek and went into the living room.

“Do you want some coffee?”

“Sure,” she said, sitting down on the couch.

I went into the kitchen, turned on the coffee machine, and took the milk out of the fridge. The rattling noise was awful in my ears, but it also drowned out all the jumbled thoughts piling up in my head like shit.

“He’s handsome,” Corinne said as I sat down with two cups. She held the photo from the camera obscura in her hand and smiled. “But you could use a shave again. Is he your boyfriend?”

The photo stabbed me in the heart, yet I couldn’t look away.

Why did he leave it here? Did he forget it? Or didn’t he want it?

“Is everything okay?” she asked, putting the photo back on the table.

I shook my head. The effects of the cocaine were wearing off gradually, and the downward spiral began.

“You seem to like him, but the way he stormed out ...” Corinne started.

“I messed up. Big time.”

“Oh, Alex,” she said with sympathy and left it at that.

I drank my black coffee, hoping to delay the crash a bit, as I had no choice but to ride it out. All my supplies were used up; although I didn’t like calling them supplies. It was just what was left of Philippe’s stash, which had gotten me through such a super inspiring and productive night.

“Are you okay?” Corinne asked, looking at me with a scrutinizing gaze.

“Of course,” I replied, perhaps a bit too eagerly.

“You seem a bit off. Should I be worried?”

“No.”

But my mother already heard the alarm bells ringing. “When was the last time you saw Dr. Gerber?”

I rolled my eyes. “Stop it! I’m just tired. I don’t need an appointment with the shrink for that.”

“You look like you haven’t slept for days! It started like this back then too.”

“That’s seven years ago,” I tried to remind her as calmly as possible.

“Promise me it won’t happen again.” She grabbed my left hand and pointed to the long scar on my forearm.

I yanked my arm back and let out an annoyed tone. She made it difficult for me not to get loud. “Stop it! You’re exaggerating again.”

“No! I’m just worried about you. What do you think it does to someone when they find their own son in a pool of blood? I blame myself!”

Rightfully so , I thought but kept it to myself. Instead, I nervously got up and paced into the kitchen to get more sugar, which I didn’t need. But I couldn’t sit next to her any longer without saying anything. The dumb thing was that I was giving myself away by doing exactly that.

“You’re having a relapse,” Corinne noticed with a monotone voice.

I brushed it off with a smile and put the sugar on the living room table. My gaze fell on the paper bag next to the sofa. “What did you bring?”

“Alex! You promised you’d talk to me about it!” Tears were welling up in her eyes, tearing me apart inside.

“I’m not having anything,” I replied, pointing to the bag. “Is that the Rolleiflex?”

“When did it start again?”

Impatiently, I shifted from one foot to the other. “Nothing started,” I insisted stubbornly. She could be stubborn when she wanted to. This wasn’t a relapse. I had nothing left and wouldn’t have a chance to consume anything until Saturday anyway. I didn’t need it, and I wasn’t addicted.

Although it would’ve been helpful to have something handy, in case that black wave came crashing back. Being swept away by it was so damn shitty. I was fed up with feeling small and weak because that’s exactly what that wave made me feel. First, it tossed me around like a washing machine, and then it spat me out like something indigestible.

But no. I didn’t need it. What was the purpose of learning all those strategies if not to handle those shitty memories?

“Alex?” Corinne asked softly, almost fearfully. “Please, make an appointment with Gerber. Today.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “It’s not what you think. Besides, I have to go to Geneva tonight. I’ll be there until Friday.” That wasn’t even a lie, but Corinne looked at me incredulously. “Do you want to see the confirmation?” I asked, flinging my hands up in irritation.

Corinne fidgeted on the cushion and fought back her tears. With trembling hands, she took the coffee and drank it. After she put the cup down, she cleared her throat, her gaze drifting back to the photo. “Does he have something to do with it?”

“No!” I exclaimed a little too heatedly as if I wanted to defend Noé. “He’s cleaner than clean! Trust me.”

“Clean? How would you know that?”

Her question startled me. I furrowed my brows. What? Could it be ... that he himself has experiences ... That would explain a lot. He said soda. No alcohol .

As if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I realized something I’d been blind to before. I turned away from Corinne, clasping my hand over my mouth in shock as I took a few steps back. “I’m such an idiot,” I murmured. “It wasn’t the party, it was ...” When I turned back to face Corinne, I stopped myself from saying another word.

The drugs.

I wanted to grab my phone and call him, but I knew he would ignore me. It wouldn’t even surprise me if he had already deleted or blocked my number.

“You like him,” my mother remarked, not as coldly anymore. Even her features softened. “I can see it in your eyes. It saddens you that he ran off so suddenly.”

Now she had me. The comedown wasn’t great anyway, but with just a few words, she had flattened me into the ground. Powerless, I sat back down on the sofa, resting my elbows on my knees, and buried my face in my hands.

“And I don’t even know him that well,” I muttered.

“Oh, Alex. Then you need to make an effort to get to know him better. And if you say he’s clean, then that’s a good thing, right?”

In my head, thoughts started racing. It’s not like I wasn’t aware of the crappy situation I got myself into. I was almost ready to chalk it up as a relapse—even though I wasn’t addicted. And if I had to be clean to make Noé happy, then I’d just stay away from the stuff. But what I couldn’t control were those damn memories. And they were building up into a monstrous wave, leaving me breathless.

Make an effort to get to know him better. Those words echoed in my mind. Make an effort... The past few years had been all about efforts. I’d been trying nonstop to make something of my life, to get it together, to find happiness.

“What’s weighing on you?” Corinne asked, empathetically.

In moments like these, I felt supported by her. Even though I called her by her first name, which was unusual, as I had learned from colleagues, I didn’t do it to distance myself from the mother she was. But we had been through some dark years that had shaped our relationship into what it was now. And even though I knew there were still taboo topics, and I longed for a hug from her, the cocaine in my brain took over again.

“How do you deal with still feeling guilty about Dad?” I asked without looking at her. I could feel her turning into an iceberg beside me. And even though she didn’t move away from me, the distance between us grew.

At that moment, I knew I was being an asshole, but I just felt too miserable. I was just trying to somehow contain these feelings, and for me, that meant breaking the black wave before it swept me away.

“You ...” Corinne rose from the sofa. “Do you even realize how insensitive these drugs make you?”

“Insensitive?” I asked, caught off guard. “What’s wrong with talking about it?”

“But not about that!”

“Oh! But everything else is fair game?” I shouted, getting louder. “Back then, I spilled everything! I vomited out everything! And I still don’t know if you knew! If you knew what he was storing in the attic? Or what he was doing with his second phone. If you knew the police were coming. Or what he was even planning.”

With wide eyes, she stood before me, breathless as tears streamed down her cheeks. And then she exploded. “It was me! I told him I’d call the police. Gave him a night to sort out his affairs. I couldn’t have known that he would spend the remaining time ... with you! I live with it every day! Every damn day, I blame myself for being so stupid! So stupid and naive! I wish I could undo it! So much! And spare you all this pain! But I can’t! So all I can do is try to be there for you.”

Now I was the one left without any strength. She had kept her secret hidden for all those years. And now, out of nowhere, she brought it out. I stood there with my jaw dropped, my face feeling numb. My whole body seemed wrapped in cotton.

“I hid the key to the attic so he couldn’t destroy the evidence,” she continued. “And I locked myself in my room at night out of fear of him.”

“Why are you telling me this all of a sudden?” I asked. “All these years. This recurring argument about this one thing. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I couldn’t. I was so ashamed,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “But last week, I had a great session with Dr. Gerber. I realized what I need to do to move forward. As hard as it is for me right now, I... I’m so sorry, Alex.”

Shaken, I shook my head. “I need to process this first.”

Corinne nodded understandingly. “Yes, take your time. I’m sorry. I’ll go now, but if you want to talk ... Call me.” She placed the paper bag on the living room table. “I found five films for the Rolleiflex in there too.”

“Thanks,” I said without emotion.

“When ... um ... are you leaving?” she asked hesitantly.

I escorted her to the door. “In the afternoon. Checking into a hotel there, and the shoot starts tomorrow.”

Corinne turned to me one last time, pressing her lips together in turmoil. She pushed some strands of hair out of my face and kissed my cheek. “Get in touch soon,” she said, forcing a smile. “Gerber might call it progress.”

“Yeah, maybe. We’re really good at shouting at each other.”

“Drive safely. Okay?”

“I will. See you.”

Once the door closed, I leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath. Right now, I had no idea what was going on inside me. My heart was racing, yet my body felt numb. I desperately needed sleep before driving, so I left everything behind and crawled into bed.