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Alex

The sound of water flowing from the bathroom was reassuring, knowing that Noé was showering there alone. I was still lying naked on the bed, scrolling through my phone, but my thoughts were entirely with him.

His sudden outburst as he stormed angrily out of Livio’s apartment had left me completely stunned. It felt like the ground had been knocked out from under me. As if observing myself from the outside, I saw what an utter idiot I had been to drag him there. It wasn’t until we were on the balcony that I managed to feel like myself again. Philippe had escorted me out and tried to calm me down by talking to me and patting my shoulder. Eventually, Livio emerged and said he had called a taxi for me.

“Just come back next week,” he said. “We’ll keep it small-scale. The three of us, if you want.”

Throughout the whole weekend, I tried to distract myself with work, but my sleep schedule was so messed up from the constant cocaine use that I found it hard to concentrate. And so, my thoughts kept circling back to Noé.

He stepped out of the bathroom wearing only boxers and sat down beside me on the bed.

“I’ve been thinking about you for the past few days,” I said sincerely. “Please, give me your number; otherwise, I’ll have to ambush you in the rehearsal room.”

He pondered longer than I expected. His jaw tensed, and he nervously ran his fingers through his open hair. I sat up to meet him at eye level.

“It’s been killing me to have to wait until tonight to apologize to you,” I said.

He extended out his hand, and I handed him my phone. After he entered his number, he let it ring a few times, then gave it back to me.

“But no drama, understood?” he said firmly.

“Promise.”

“I’ll block you otherwise.”

He was serious, but he couldn’t suppress a grin. Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed him. I couldn’t help it. I stroked his neck and rested my forehead against his.

“I’ll restrain myself,” I whispered. Surprise was written all over his face, and suddenly, I felt afraid that he might bolt. “I-I’m sorry,” I said, pulling back from him. “I just ...”

“It’s okay,” he replied and lay down. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” I admitted, yanking the blanket over his legs. “But go ahead and sleep. I’ll quickly tidy up the kitchen.”

I dimmed the light to the minimum and slipped into my boxer briefs. When I glanced at Noé again, he seemed to be already fast asleep. I quietly left and cleared away the dirty dishes. Sitting on the couch with a glass of water, I examined the camera obscura photo. A smile crept onto my lips. Noé looked so serious, even a bit startled. But he was also so sweet. On the other hand, I looked more broken than ever. Unshaven and sleep-deprived. Completely worn out. And the longer I looked at myself, the more repulsed I became by this image of me.

I need to shave. How can I let it come to this? So messed up ... It’s a miracle Noé even got into my car.

As the black wave approached, I returned the photo back on the table and stood up. I downed the water in one go—away with the thoughts—and tried to focus on Noé. But then I felt his touches, how he groped me, all over my body, in places I didn’t want.

“I want you to know that I love only you, Alex. Never forget that.”

A cold shiver ran through me as I heard that voice in the back of my mind. Why can’t he finally leave me alone? I downed the glass to get away from my thoughts and tried to focus on Noé. But then I felt my dad’s touch, pawing at me all over my body, in places I didn’t want.

Fuck!

I poured myself another and drank, but I knew it wouldn’t help. Nervously, I paced around the apartment, trying not to think about what Philippe had slipped me last Friday. It was in the other jacket pocket, just waiting to be snorted.

Damn! Whatever!

I fetched the packet from my jacket, went back to the bar, and filled my glass to the brim with vodka. Equipped with everything I needed, I headed toward the darkroom. I was already standing in the open doorway when I heard a noise from the bedroom.

Noé?

I set my stuff down and went to check. Noé was tossing and turning, making whimpering noises. I climbed onto the bed next to him, but for a moment, I didn’t know what to do. Moonlight streamed through the blinds, casting a silver glow on his face. A sheen of sweat covered his forehead, and he looked like he had a fever.

“No ... please ...” he murmured, turning his back to me.

Is he having a nightmare?

“Go away ...”

Even asleep, his voice was unique. His body tensed as he clenched his fists, thrashing around.

“No! Go away!”

His breathing became heavier and louder. He turned onto his back, breathing heavily, and flung his head from side to side. Tentatively, I reached out to him.

“Noé, wake up.” He turned away again before I could touch him. “Noé.” I gently touched his upper arm.

At that moment, he swatted my hand away and shot up. He recoiled from me, almost falling off the bed.

“It’s me. Alex,” I said, holding my hands up in a calming gesture.

Completely bewildered, he stared at me, panting heavily, and wiped the sweaty strands of hair from his face. As I reached out my hand to him again, he flinched and was on the verge of jumping out of bed. His eyes gleamed like those of a hunted, frightened animal.

“Calm down. You were dreaming.”

His hands trembled as he ran them over his face again.

“Should I get you a glass of water?”

He exhaled shakily, then threw off the blanket, jumped up, and hurried into the bathroom. Light streamed through the crack under the door, and I saw him pacing back and forth. The shadow then disappeared, which I took as a good sign.

He’s calming down .

I sat on the bed waiting for him, but time passed and he didn’t come out. I couldn’t hear the sound of water or the toilet flushing. There was no other noise coming from the bathroom, so eventually, I went to the door and listened.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, concerned.

Nothing.

Should I just go in? But then I shook my head. Who knows? Maybe he’s not feeling well .

I cautiously opened the door and was almost blinded by the bright light. To my surprise, I found Noé sitting on the floor beside the shower, his head resting against the wall, his arms wrapped around his knees, his eyes closed.

What the ...? Is he asleep?

“Noé,” I said and knelt beside him.

His long hair fell over his chest, and he was only dressed in boxers. This time I touched him even more gently. His skin was ice-cold, and he was trembling slightly.

“Noé. Come back to bed. You’ll catch a cold otherwise.”

He made some murmuring sounds and flinched when I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“Come on. Get up.”

Without opening his eyes, he nestled tighter into the corner.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

Is he talking to me?

“What for?” I asked when he blinked at me. But at my concerned look, he hung his head in remorse.

“What are you sorry for?” I asked and helped him up.

“That I woke you up.”

“Don’t worry.” I guided him back to bed and pulled the blanket over him. “It’s all good.”

As his head lay back on the pillow, he turned onto his side and tucked his legs up. I never would have thought I’d see him so vulnerable, awakening a protective instinct in me. I lay down beside him and gently brushed back a few strands of hair. He was already asleep again, his breathing steady.

How much did he notice?

I stroked his temple, his cheek, down to his neck. He was so beautiful, almost flawless. My gaze wandered over his shoulder, where in the dim light I studied his tattoos. A huge octopus adorned his right upper arm. And from the elbow to the wrist, the long octopus arms mingled with demons and occasional texts. His hand rested on the pillow, and I noticed his battered knuckles, which appeared to have collided with a wall. Gradually, I recognized what lay beneath the black drawings that covered his entire arms and concealed a multitude of scars. So many scars. Large and small. Long and round.

Cigarette butts?

Knives?

Damn!

The longer I studied his body, the more baffled I became, wondering how I could have missed this before. But the last time he was here, he wore a long-sleeved shirt to sleep. And during our first encounter, I probably just didn’t pay attention. Why should I? The guy exuded so much charm and sex appeal that it could make someone lose their sight and hearing just from his smile. And when I heard him sing and saw him move, as lascivious and graceful as a cat ...

Is it all just a facade?

I couldn’t and didn’t want to believe it. Noé radiated too much strength. It would have taken too much energy if all of this had been just a facade. But then I remembered the brief moments that were more real than any others. The moments when I could see behind his mask and discovered so much more than I ever thought possible.

And suddenly it was clear to me. I have to photograph him .