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“Max did more than put the Blacks behind bars. He tore down King’s Crossing, and over a year later, the residents of this city are still trying to build it back up. The Blacks’ reach ran deeply underground, like a tree’s roots, and another shovel of dirt exposes more of their hold on the people of this city. Looking into this audience, I wonder, who here worked with the Blacks? Who benefited from doing business with them? Who fought against them? And lost? In this city, crime happens every day, and how much of that can be linked to Clayton and Ashton Black, maybe we’ll never know. If Max were here with us today, he’d see to it we did. That’s why tonight I’d like to present Maxwell Cook with theChronicle’s most prestigious award. The Caledonian is named after the New Caledonian Crow, a member of thecorvidaefamily. The Caledonian is an intelligent bird that uses tools to forage for food, much like an investigative journalist digs for clues. In the rest of my lifetime, I may nevermeet another journalist more deserving of this award. I’ve asked his brother, Gage Davenport, to accept this award on Max’s behalf, and he generously agreed. Mr. Gage Davenport.”
Gage strides across the stage.
From the inside of the podium, Kyle Hall pulls out a gold statue in the shape of a crow perched on a tree branch. It’s very pretty, and shaking Mr. Hall’s hand, Gage reaches for it.
Camera flashes go off.
There’s a light smattering of applause as Gage stands behind the podium and Mr. Hall retreats to the side of the dais.
Gage looks self-assured standing on the platform, as if he speaks to a crowd every day. Public speaking has always been difficult for me, even before Ash sold me. My mother used totsk, telling me I needed to learn to use my power and place in society. I always said I could, just for one person at a time. Maybe I’ve always been afraid of scrutiny, though I didn’t realize it then.
“Thank you.”
Gage starts his speech, and it jerks me back to the present.
“When I was asked to do this, my first reaction was to say no. How many people want to admit they weren’t close to a family member, especially after they’ve passed away? I wasn’t close to Max, and while only a handful of years separates us, we’ve always gone our own way. I never felt like we had anything in common, never felt like we had anything to share, but those ideas were of my own making. I never wanted to admit he was better than I was. He was a better son, a better brother. A better student, and he’s done more with his professional life in the short time he was on this earth than I have, or will do, for the rest of mine. I can’t think where he’d be when it comes to his personal life, if he’d be married, maybe a baby on the way.”
He looks at me, and I swallow. Does he think about Max and me and if we would have moved forward? Under the table, I push a hand to my belly. What would have happened if I couldhave let Max love me? If Gage and I stay together, what kind of family can I give him? Does he want children? I’m not ready for that, but maybe he is. He’s older than Max, and Max was older than me. I never considered what it would mean to be in a relationship with someone almost ten years older. He’s in a place in his life where I am not.
The reasons why Jerricka wanted me to date other people are even more apparent now. A better fit, a better match, more aligned to where we both are. If I met someone my own age, we would have time to get to know each other before thinking about babies. We would have time to live. Travel. But I can’t picture myself with anyone but Gage.
I stare at the floral pattern on the china plate in front of me, tears welling in my eyes.
The rest of Gage’s speech is a mumble of words I don’t hear, and it’s not until Linc stands in ovation that I realize he’s done. Shakily, I rise to my feet, too, and clap, though I don’t agree with what he said.
Stella and Linc start a conversation, and a woman sitting on Zane’s right asks him a question. I’m alone until Gage sits down, setting the award in front of his plate. “I have no idea what I’m going to do with that,” he says, shaking out his cloth napkin and draping it over his thigh to prepare for our meal.
“You’ll put it in your apartment,” I say, doing the same with my napkin. I can’t show him I’m upset. This evening isn’t about me. “Max wanted you to have it.”
“I don’t know why. Are you okay? Is Rourke leaving you alone?”
I forgot all about Senator Cook while Kyle Hall and Gage spoke. What Gage thinks of me will always be more important than anyone else. “I haven’t seen him.”
Gage is trying to meet my eyes, but I can’t. I can’t look at him and know I’m not enough.
“Zarah.”
A server places a salad in front of me, and I choose a fork. “Yeah?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I look away and nibble at a crouton.
Gage sighs and leaves me alone. We eat in silence, though a few people stop by our table to thank him for his speech or to tell him how touching it was. He’s gracious, but I can tell my silence worries him. I don’t want to ruin his evening, and I feel worse. Servers clear our dinner plates, and I excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. Linc, Zane, and Gage stand at the same time I do, and snagging my purse hanging off the back of my chair, I scurry out of the ballroom, my head low. I don’t want anyone to talk to me, and I don’t need Senator Cook cornering me.
I linger longer than I need to, but when I step out, I’m alone. I half expected Gage to be waiting to talk to me, and I’m equally disappointed and relieved. I don’t want to explain why his speech made me sad. It’s going to come up anyway, but I’ll hold it off for as long as I can.
Outside the ballroom, a large portrait of Max sits on a gold easel. It must have been a photo taken for the paper as he’s wearing a full suit instead of the dress shirt and vest he favored. His hair is cropped shorter than I remember him wearing it, light brown curls cut close to his head. He looks happy, laughing at something maybe the photographer said, and I trace the line of his lips.
“You miss him, don’t you?” Gage asks, stepping next to me.
I shrug.
He sighs. “Tell me what I did.”
“Nothing.”
“Then what is it? You prefer the type of man Max was after all? This dinner reminds you of everything I’m not? I guess that was bound to happen sometime. You know, maybe Zane wasright. Maybe youdoneed to date other people. Figure out what you want, because I can only be who I am, Zarah. I can’t change.”