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“Yeah?”
He looks good dressed in jeans and a plain black t-shirt. So many tattoos cover his arms, I itch to run my fingers over all of them, study each and every one, listen to his gravelly voice as he explains what they mean.
“Yeah.” I don’t want to say what I did. “Instead of talking, can we make out?”
I’d rather have him kiss me than look at me like I’m an obligation. Okay, he’s not looking at me like that, but it’s how I feel. It’s how I think he feels about me. If that makes any sense.
I wish I could drink. A big glass of wine sounds really good right now.
Finally, he sits on the couch, and I waste no time crawling into his lap. He chuckles and wraps his arms around me. “No. It’s probably better you tell me. It can’t be that bad.”
“I went to see Willow.” I can’t keep it inside anymore and I choke it out. If he’s going to be mad like Zane was, I don’t know what I’ll do.
“I don’t suppose Zane took that very well,” Gage says.
“No, he didn’t. He hates me.”
“No, he doesn’t.”
“I made him cry.”
“Ah. That probably doesn’t have much to do with your visit. He’s struggling with a lot of things right now.”
“I wish he’d treat me like his sister again.”
Gage nudges me back. “Then you need to tell him that. Zarah, think of the guilt he feels every time he looks at you. He thought Black loved you. He didn’t know what they were doing to you at Quiet Meadows. Every time he looks at you, it must be like a punch in the gut. You lost so many years, and he feels responsible.”
“I’ve forgiven him for that.”
“Then you need to tell him that, too, and maybe he can forgive himself. He’s going to hold you at arms’ length until he thinks he’ll stop hurting you. That could be a long time. I know if I ever hurt you, there’s no way I could forgive myself.”
“You would never hurt me. Not on purpose.” I sound sure because I am.
He frames my face with his strong hands. “That’s the worst part. When you hurt someone, but you don’t know it. I would die a million times over before I consciously hurt you, but there may be times I do and not know. How do I make up for those times? How do I apologize for something I don’t know I did? Zane’s protecting you from himself the only way he knows how, but it’s up to you to tell him it’s hurting you, not helping.”
“Use my words.”
“Yeah.” He blows out a sigh. “Willow Black, huh?”
“I saw her yesterday. She looks good, a little worn out. She said she’s grateful to Zane and everyone for exposing her son and husband. She told me Clayton mistreated her just like Ash mistreated me.”
“That might be true, but do you think it’s smart to spend time with her? Are you allowed to?”
“Zane would have said if I couldn’t—he would have used it to stop me from doing it again. I don’t think she had anything to do with the things Ash and Clayton were doing.”
“Sweetheart, she wouldn’t tell you if she did.”
It’s my turn to sigh. “Yeah.”
“Zane’s trying to protect you. He wants to keep you safe, and I do, too. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to visit her, either.”
I’m stubborn. My visits with Willow are all I have. Besides Stella, and now Gage, she’s my only friend. I want to keep seeing her. I want to have lunch with her. She’s a connection to my past, the only good one, and I treasure her maternal attitude toward me.
“Why?” My voice tremors. Going against what Zane wants is easier than throwing away Gage’s opinion. I want to please him and make him happy, but I don’t want to stop doing what I want in order to do it.
“Max asked me to look into what the Blacks have done to you, but I didn’t think after they were arrested there would have been anything left. I’ve been snooping around and I haven’t found anything, but Max was a good reporter. He knew how to investigate and dig up secrets. If he thought there’s something else going on, there’s a good chance there is and I’m lucky you’ve been okay. I would feel better if you distanced yourself from anything having to do with the Blacks. If you’re lonely, spend time with me. If Zane has to choose between the lesser of the two evils, he’d rather you be with me. Not a great argument for us to be together, but there you go.”
What he said makes sense, but I can’t give up that easily. “I’ll think about it.”