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“Two of them,” I admit. When I met Stella, I was still struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I never got the chance.
“Was school part of your plan?”
“Not back then. Mom and I were involved in a lot of charity work, and she was teaching me networking and fundraising. I guess that’s learning in a different way, but after the plane crash, I stopped thinking about the future all together.”
“So, let’s think about college now,” Jerricka says, smiling. “You have the resources to go anywhere, do anything you want. Choose some classes that sound interesting and see what you discover.”
The idea thrills me and scares me at the same time, like so much these days. Signing up for classes, navigating my way around a campus, muddling through the coursework. Meeting all those people who know who I am and the things Ash did to me. People would look at me and know I’m dirty, and they wouldn’t talk to me, they’d shut me out. I would be alone.
When Stella goes to campus, people vie for her attention. If I went to school, people would call me a whore.
I shake my head, whipping my hair back and forth. “No. I can’t. People would know.”
“Okay. We can table school for a while. Let’s go back to the list. He thinks you’re kind. Do you think that, too?”
I shrug. “I guess so.”
“And he thinks you have a big heart, and that you’re beautiful. He likes the sound of your laugh, and the way your skin turns gold in the firelight. Zarah, he sounds like he’s in love with you. You said you met someone?”
I scoot off the couch and pace. This is what I wanted to tell her, and I grin. “Yes! He’s a private investigator, and Max’sbrother. His name is Gage, and he invited me to have coffee. I told you about him, do you remember?”
She nods.
“He came to the house—he has a dog named Baby—and we let the dogs run around in the woods. I asked him to kiss me, and he did, but light.” I press my fingers to my lips and imagine Gage kissing me, his strong arms holding me against his chest.
Jerricka leans forward. “And how did you feel?”
“Nervous. Zane says if we get close, he’ll want sex.”
“He won’t be the only one. No matter whom you meet, they’re going to want to be closer to you. Intimacy between two people isn’t only about physical satisfaction. It’s about a man showing a woman how they feel, through actions, not words.”
“I know. That’s how the men who paid Ash treated me. They showed me they hated me by what they did to me.”
“Can you talk about that, Zarah?” Jerricka sets aside her tablet and folds her hands in her lap.
My mouth goes dry. Besides the attorney who needed to know, I haven’t divulged any details about Ash’s jobs to anyone. Stella was there to support me and she listened, but we never spoke about it again.
I’m quiet for too long.
“You don’t have to,” she says.
“I think I can talk about the first time he sold me.” A pitcher of water sits on a sideboard, and I pour a glass and sip. “The first time he did it, I didn’t know what was going on. We met for drinks at a bar in a hotel Ash owns. Owned. Ash said it was a business meeting, and he wanted me there. We grew up together, and he was Zane’s best friend. I had no reason not to trust him, and if anyone had asked me, I probably would have said I was in love with him. I think on some level, I knew our parents expected us to get married. Maybe everything I felt was a lie.”
I walk around her office, picking up little trinkets, my mind sifting through hazy, faded memories to the time I met Stella. She grew up having to watch her back and everyone else’s, and I couldn’t hide anything from her. Not my bruises. Not my fear. In the end, she paid for that, but it’s me who’s in her debt.
My head starts to ache, but I keep going.
“We finished our drinks and went upstairs. I thought Ash had reserved a business suite and we would move on to the real portion of the meeting, but when Ash opened the door, he gestured us inside. He said, ‘Have a good time,’ and he closed the door. Today, right at this second, I can still hear thesnickof the lock as the man who paid for me slid it into place. But I’m stupid. I still didn’t get it. He took my hand, and I followed him into the suite. He poured me champagne. Ran his fingers through my hair and told me I was beautiful. He backhanded me, and a ring he wore cut my lip.” I can feel the sting, the shock, and I press my hand over my mouth.
“Take your time,” Jerricka says.
My voice grows louder and my words come faster, and I sip more water, wishing I could tell the story and not have to relive it. But I’m there, in that luxurious room, blurry, lights dim, and I can almost picture the man who paid for me, sophisticated and handsome in his suit. His features are still out of reach, the man still a faceless monster in my mind. I wish I could forget everything.
“I stumbled back, not understanding what was happening. He called me names and told me he was going to fuck me over just like my father did to him. He pushed me onto the bed, ripped my dress and my panties. I’d only had sex one other time, and that was with Ash. He was big and it hurt, and he didn’t let me go no matter how loud or hard I cried. All night he rammed into me, and I started bleeding. He stopped then, buckled his belt and straightened his tie. Then he left. I laid on the bed ina puddle of semen and blood, and Ash came to the room and cleaned me up. He told me if I ever said anything, he would kill Zane and destroy our company.”
I pick up a little unicorn statue, but I can barely see it through my tears.
“He carried me out of the hotel, my head on his shoulder. We must have looked so romantic, but no one knew he had to carry me because I was too sore to walk. That was the first time he sold me, and the man who paid Ash to do that to me is in prison right now.”