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This is how two people start a family, and we will, when Gage and I are ready.
“Do you want to marry me?” I bring it up because I’d like to be married first. Before babies.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, brushing my hair away from my face.
“Sex can make babies, and I want to be married first.”
“I don’t think we need to worry about that for a while. Besides, once you’re off those drugs, you could decide you want something different.”
I lean into him, my nipples grazing the sparse hair on his chest. “Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll be a different person. Maybe I’ll be a person you don’t want anymore.”
There’s no reason to deny the drugs change me. They repress my feelings, they hide my memories. I’m only half of who Zarah Maddox used to be. Gage could not like the person I’ll be when I’m back to my old self.
Maybe that young, naïve girl is gone, but still. I could turn into someone he won’t like. A rich socialite who still doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up.
“Then we have similar fears. There’s nothing we can do about that except wait.”
At least he doesn’t lie.
“But if things work out like I hope they will, I’d like to marry you. If you’ll have me. Because I don’t have much to give you except—”
I press a finger over his lips. “You’re enough.” I brush kisses over his belly and puff a hot breath onto his cock. I lick my way up and down his erection, his skin soft. Gage moves his hands, but I say, “Don’t touch me. I need time to get used to this.”
“Zarah, you don’t—”
“I’m tired of being afraid.”
This quiets him, and I return to my exploration. I cup his balls, and they’re heavy in my hand. Lightly, I touch my tongue to the tip and taste the pre-cum there. It’s salty, and I go back to kissing his chest. I’m not ready to taste his cum. The men who paid Ash liked to force me to swallow as they came in the back of my throat. They’d slap me if I gagged.
“I want you to make love to me.” I think I’m ready. The bedroom’s warm, and I feel safe in our cocoon because Gage loves me. He’s been between my legs and I’ve held his cock in my hands. I can do it.
He shakes his head. “No. Not tonight. I want to show you how to get me off without sex and without a blowjob. Lie next to me.”
We lie side by side, and I use his arm as a pillow. He guides my hand to his cock, and as I grasp him, he caresses my breast.
“Stroke up and down. I’ll come in a second. Can I kiss you?”
“Yes,” I breathe against his lips.
I rub his hard cock—it’s really big—the veins pulsing under my palm. He devours my mouth like he did on the couch, our teeth colliding as he pushes into my hand encouraging me to go faster and faster until my fingers ache and the muscles in my bicep burn.
I’m about to tell him I need a break, but he comes, and hot globs of white, creamy cum cover my hand and belly.
It’s everywhere, and I still pump, drawing out his quaking orgasm. I stroke him until he laughs, and I stop and flex my hand. My fingers are slippery, and when I glide them over the head of his cock, he trembles. I fight back memories of cum filling my mouth and dribbling down my chin.
Gage kisses me, his tongue pushing between my teeth, and I kiss him back, grateful for the distraction, grateful he can pull me away from those horrible flashbacks and anchor me in his bed.
“Thanks,” he whispers.
“Was that good?”
“It was perfect.”
“Good.” We lie like that for a few minutes, and I start to doze, his body heat keeping me warm despite not lying under the comforter.
“We should clean up,” he says, rousing me. “Are you hungry or thirsty?”
“I need to brush my teeth and take the prescription my therapist gave me.”