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It felt good to tell her what was on my mind and to give her a few home truths. I had no idea why I’d never done it before.

‘I suppose,’ said Kate, sounding doubtful.

‘Oh, and Dad’s coming home the day after tomorrow,’ I told her, on a roll now. ‘I’ll stick around for a few days, but after that you and Zach are going to have to take over. He’s lost a bit of his confidence, as I’m sure you noticed the one time you visited him. So we need to build that back up. Let him know that he’s doing really well and that he’s capable of living by himself again, even if it feels difficult at times.’

And then instead of waiting for Kate to make excuses as to why she couldn’t possibly get involved with Dad’s care, I swiftly ended the call. I thought of Melissa and my friends on the retreat and Theo and about how we’d shared more of ourselves with each other than we had with our own families. And I missed them all in that moment, but especially Theo. And I didn’t know what that meant and it was probably best that I didn’t think too deeply about it, but I acknowledged it and then I sat down at my laptop, opened my work in progress and got back to my writing.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Dad was more difficult than ever once he’d been discharged from hospital and was back home, and he had me running up and down the stairs finding this and fetching that. I cooked him all his favourite lunches and dinners but even that wasn’t good enough. It felt like there was something on his mind, but of course he wasn’t talking about it – supressing emotion clearly ran in the family. Making the decision to tackle it head-on, I made him a cup of tea and sat next to him on the sofa.

‘Is everything all right, Dad?’ I ventured.

‘Can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be,’ he grumbled.

‘You seem a little . . . on edge,’ I said gently. ‘Is something worrying you?’

He did a huge, earth shuddering sigh. ‘No more than usual.’

‘You’re sure? Because it must have been a bit of a shock, falling like that.’

‘Why do you care? You’ll be going back to London soon, won’t you?’

Ah. Reading between the lines, he didn’t want me to go and was nervous about what would happen when I did. But I also knew that as bad as I might feel about it, I had to get on with my own life. I was happy to speak to him every day and to organise things and do the usual admin for him, but I also needed to get back to London where I felt like I belonged.

‘I’m writing a new book, Dad,’ I said. ‘Do you remember? With Theo Winters. I mentioned it before I left for France. We wroteLittle Boy Losttogether.’

‘Hmmmn,’ said Dad. ‘Where are you going to find the time to look after me, then, if you’re off writing another novel?’

‘Dad, I’m really enjoying writing this book. And it’s creating quite a buzz in the industry, apparently, which is not only good for me, but for us.’

‘Fine. Go for it, then.’

Ploughing on, I decided to broach the subject of how difficult things had been for me when Mum died, a subject I’d only ever skirted around in the past.

‘You know, I had to give up quite a lot when I was a child, Dad. I’m not sure if you remember, but you weren’t yourself when Mum went, and Kate and Zach were too young to really know what was going on. I became a sort of substitute mother in a way, or at least that was what I felt I had to be. Not that I could ever live up to what Mum did for us all, of course, but I felt this constant pressure to try.’

‘What are you getting at?’ said Dad.

‘I want you to know that I don’t regret a single moment of it, and that I’d do it again in a heartbeat. But I’m not a kid anymore, I’m a grown woman with my own needs and my own desire to make something of my own life and to be happy. And so I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you, for as long as you need me, but that also sometimes I might not be able to be as present as you might want me to be. And I’m going to speak to Kate and Zach about this, because I really need them to pull their weight a bit more. Does that sound fair?’

I had no idea how he was going to take any of this and winced internally as I waited to find out.

‘All right. You’ve made your point,’ he said gruffly.

Well, that could definitely have been worse. Maybe he needed some time for it all to sink in.

‘We can chat about this some other time if you’re not in the mood now,’ I said, standing up and going back to the kitchen again. As I put the milk and sugar away I felt a bit tearful for some reason. This opening-up business wasn’t easy, was it? Was this how people like Melissa and Harmony functioned, constantly teetering on the edge of bawling their eyes out? In some ways, I missed the emotional flatness of what I’d had before. But then I knew that I’d be missing out on leading a truly full and meaningful life if I continued to keep everyone at arm’s length like I had been, and kept having relationships like the one I’d had with Jackson, to whom I didn’t feel particularly connected, not really, but stayed with because I thought it might be marginally better than being on my own. I picked up my phone, scrolling through the messages Jackson had sent me that morning. It had been the strangest thing, particularly as we’d barely spoken since I’d moved out of the flat we’d shared a few months ago. He’d heard on the grapevine that Theo and I were working on something together.

I’m not sure it’s a great idea to write with Theo Winters again. It could be a huge mistake for your career.

I’d read over it with confusion, trying to work out the context. Wondering why he cared so much. Was it an ego thing? Because he hadn’t exactly seemed devastated when we broke up, but he knew Theo and I had once had a thing and maybe he’d assumed there was more to it than just the writing.

What makes you say that?

While I waited for him to reply I checked Theo’s Instagram. When we’d first got back he’d posted a montageof shots of Cannes, including one of the two of us working by the pool that Claire had taken, but there’d been nothing since. Suddenly I was craving pictures of him. I wanted to see his face again, even if it was a heavily filtered version of it on a small phone screen. Another message pinged through from Jackson.

You’re never going to recreate the success of your first. And have you read his books lately?