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Melissa led us out into the garden, past the cute baby orange tree and the fragile-looking summer house. In all honesty, it would have been a whole lot nicer out here if I hadn’t had to join the group of couples sitting in a circle – Iknewthere’d be a circle involved! – around the white cast iron table past the far end of the pool.

‘Everyone, this is Scarlett and Theo!’ announced Melissa as we approached the group.

I wanted to add the addendumand we are not a couple.

‘Take a seat, guys,’ said Melissa, pointing to two empty chairs. I took the one next to a beautiful, bohemian-looking mixed-race woman in her forties, who was giving off intimidatingly beautiful Zoe Kravitz vibes. Again, I cursed myself for my frumpy housewife outfit choice.

‘Hi,’ I said to her, perching awkwardly on the chair next to her.

‘Good to meet you, I’m Harmony,’ she purred in a soft American drawl.

Of course she would have a name like that. This was exactly the sort of person who would fly halfway around the world to do group couples therapy. I suddenly felt out of my depth and terrified that I was going to be forced to reveal my deepest, darkest secrets to this group of strangers (and Theo!). I hadn’t even set foot into the centre of Cannes yet and I wanted to see the beach close up and I wanted to thinkabout book ideas because that was what I was actually here for. I did not want to be doing any of this other stuff.

Theo took a seat next to me and I noticed Harmony’s eyes flickering across to him appreciatively.Here we go, I thought. People couldn’tnotnotice him, even when their actual partners were sitting right next to them. I scooted closer to Harmony to avoid coming into physical contact with Theo in any way, shape or form. Theo being Theo, and a virtual paragon of manliness, seemed to have no such qualms and relaxed back in his chair with his legs spread so wide that if I hadn’t had the foresight to move, our knees would definitely have been pressing up against each other’s.

‘Right,’ said Melissa. ‘We’re all here. Let me introduce myself. My name is Melissa Smart and I am a psychotherapist and life coach. My speciality is couples work, and when I say couples, I mean any form that that might take,’ she said, looking pointedly in Theo’s and my direction. ‘I use a combination of exercises, group exploration and one-on-one therapy to really get to the heart of what each of you would like to change in your partner, but – more importantly – yourselves, and to help you move your marriage, your relationship or your friendship into a new realm. We have ten days to do this and I am confident that by the end, you will all feel very differently about each other. So why don’t we start there.’

Start where?I thought?

‘I’m going to go around the table and I want you to tell me your name, where you’re from, how long you’ve known your partner and what you would like to be different about them at the end of our journey together. Let’s start with you, Paul,’ she said, turning to Harmony’s older but equally well-groomed and attractive partner.

God, this was already unbearable. What on earth wasI going to say? The only other person who was probably feeling the same way was Theo, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I couldn’t handle it. The thing was, Carla was expecting us to get her money’s worth out of the retreat – she’d made it clear that she was doing this as a special favour, and I didn’t want to let her down. But at the same time, it was hard to focus on what I did or didn’t like (there were far more of the latter, obviously) about Theo when really it didn’t matter anymore and what we really needed to do was sit down together, come up with a killer plot and start writing so that this whole process could be over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I tried to concentrate on listening to Paul, who was telling us that he was from San Diego originally but now lived in Orange County and that he and Harmony had been together for three years.

‘And what brought you on this retreat, Paul?’ asked Melissa, a pad and pencil poised in her hands.

‘Honestly? I didn’t want to come at first,’ he said.

Oh good, glad I wasn’t the only one to find the idea of therapy repellent. See, it was normal not to want to do it!

‘He flat out refused,’ piped up Harmony.

‘Let Paul finish, Harmony,’ said Melissa gently. ‘What was it that was putting you off, Paul?’

He laced his hands behind his head in a sort of cocky, masculine stance. I reckoned he worked in the film industry. I bet he was an agent, or something, and although he was wearing shorts and a polo shirt today, I decided he was probably the sort of guy who felt more at home in a suit. I could imagine him doing kick-ass deals in loud, expensive LA restaurants.

‘I personally thought our relationship was in a pretty goodplace,’ he said. ‘But Harmony gave me an ultimatum: come to Cannes, or she’ll leave me.’

Blimey. Harmony did not mess around.

Melissa nodded sympathetically. ‘And how did that make you feel?’

‘Angry?’ he said.

I heard Harmony tut.

‘And so what you’d like to be different about Harmony is . . .?’ asked Melissa.

‘I want her to not leave,’ said Paul, his cockiness sliding for a second.

Melissa scribbled some notes. ‘Great start, Paul. Harmony, you’re up.’

Harmony, of course, was brilliant at this. She took to the floor with aplomb, waxing lyrical about being about to turn forty-five and realising life was passing her by and that her relationship had become stagnant. She wanted to feel desired and Paul didn’t make her feel like that anymore. His career as a producer took him all over the world (Iknewhe was in the movie business!) and it had always been the most important thing to him butshewanted to be somebody’s most important thing. Something about that resonated with me, somewhere deep down, in all the stuff I’d buried. That was kind of what I wanted, too, but it was a distant thought that I didn’t give much lip service to. I pushed up the sleeves of my jumper, enjoying feeling the sun on my forearms. The skies above our heads were clear and blue and I reckoned it was twenty degrees or so already and presumably it was only going to get hotter this afternoon. I would like to be walking along the beachfront with my toes in the water by that point, if that wasn’t too much to ask.

‘Scarlett. Let’s hear from you,’ said Melissa.

I shifted nervously in my seat. There was no way I wasgoing to be able to be as coherent as Harmony and Paul, but then they were probably used to this – didn’t they all have therapists in the US? Especially in California, I imagined.