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‘That is correct,Monsieur. We have a world-famous psychotherapist here at the hotel who will be working with our couples – yourselves included – for the next ten days. It is the second year we have held this event and I can assure you that the feedback is very good.Magnifique.’

I was speechless.Speechless. Of all the things in the world to happen to Theo and me, who could barely tolerate each other’s company, this was possibly the very worst thing I could imagine.

‘But we’re not a couple!’ I screeched.

‘This needs to be fixed. Now,’ declared Theo.

I didn’t dare look at him, but I could feel his thunderous aura from here. Ten days of therapy, asif!Alexa had been trying to get me to go for years and was always raving about a therapist she’d seen for her anxiety, but talking about my problems was not going to make them go away, so I’d never seen the point. Anyway, I was doing perfectly fine as I was – I sorted things out for everyone else, didn’t I, and I wouldn’t be able to do that unless I was totally on top of things.

The manager had the good grace to look mortified.

‘You are not married? Partners?’

‘No!’ we both said at the same time, which would have been funny if we weren’t in the midst of a crisis.

‘Look,’ said Theo, turning to me. ‘Surely we can just stay here at the hotel and not participate in this ridiculous retreat.’

The hotel holds up a finger. ‘Monsieur, I’m afraid that is not possible. The rate you were given is for retreat guests only. The organisers are covering some of our hotel costs.’

‘Well then we’ll just pay the difference,’ I said, frustrated now. ‘How much extra would it be?’

The manager got out his calculator and began tapping numbers into it.

‘If you wish to stay in the hotel but not participate in the retreat, you will need to pay an additional . . .’ he said, finishing his sum, ‘six hundred and twenty-four euros each.’

‘What?!’ I said.

‘Well we’re not doing that,’ said Theo, which was the most sensible thing he’d said all day.

I tried to think. What was the best way out of this? I looked around: it was a gorgeous hotel, but we were clearly going to have to move and find somewhere else with a more reasonable nightly rate.

‘Can we just get a refund, then?’ I asked, glancing at Theo. ‘I’m sure it can’t be that difficult to find another hotel.’

‘Ah,’ said the hotel manager ominously. ‘I am afraid that your booking is non-refundable, as laid out in the hotel’s booking policy and clearly listed on our website. We are forbidden to give refunds with less than forty-eight hours’ notice.’

‘Oh for God’s sake,’ hissed Theo. ‘Can’t you make an exception, just this once?’

‘I am afraid not,Monsieur.’

Feeling like screaming myself, I tried to keep a clear head. There had to be some way out of this.

‘Look, let me speak to the person who made the booking. Maybe she can tell us how to proceed,’ I suggested to the manager. And then, because it felt weird to just ignore Theo: ‘I’m going to call Carla.’

‘Fine,’ he grunted. ‘But don’t let her talk you into staying.’

I huffed at him. ‘Do you honestly think I want to stay and take part in some sort of couples retreat? With you? Because I can assure you, that’s absolutely the worst idea I’ve ever heard.’

Theo rolled his eyes. ‘No need to be dramatic about it, Scarlett. I just meant that Carla can be very persuasive.’

‘So you think I’m a pushover, do you?’ I demanded to know. ‘That I’ll just roll over and sayfine, we’ll stay?’

‘Oh for Christ’s sake, did I say that?’ he replied.

I caught the manager’s eye, who was watching us with alarm, clearly realising the severity of the situation. Couples retreat indeed! I mean, who even went on those things?

I went back out into the garden to make the call, taking some deep breaths, hoping the fresh air would go some way towards making me feel as good as I had about five minutes ago, before the dreaded wordscouplesandretreathad been uttered in the same terrifying sentence. Ugh, the mere idea of it made me shudder. I could just imagine the naff activities we’d be forced to take part in: icebreaker games! Role-plays! Couples bingo! And presumably these things were meant for people who were actually in a committed relationship with each other and wanted to work things out, not two writers who hadn’t said a single word to each other in six years and had never even been a couple in the first place. Not that it hadn’t felt possible at one stage – I supposed you couldn’t spend that amount of time alone with someone and not feel close to them. But ultimately, what I was feeling couldn’t have been what Theo was feeling otherwise things would never have panned out the way they did.

I checked the time: 7.15 p.m. I knew we were an hour ahead here, but Carla sometimes turned her work phone off in the evenings, particularly if she was at a book launch or something. I let it ring, metaphorically crossing my fingers that she’d answer the phone and that a simple and efficient solution to this fuck-up would roll right off her tongue.