Page 5

‘Breathe, Alexa. Remember your box breathing. In for four, hold for two, out for four. That’s it.’

‘Is she OK?’ asked Petra.

I mouthed: panic attack.

Petra winced. ‘They’re happening a lot, lately. What’s going on?’

‘She’ll be fine in a bit,’ I said, in the soothing tone I knew Alexa responded well to, even through the fog of a panic attack. I’d been with her through many of them over theyears and knew exactly what to do. ‘I’ll get us an Uber, OK?’ I told her. ‘We’ll be back at yours in no time so that you can rest and relax.’

I ordered us a cab, repeating the box breathing mantra to Alexa as I thumbed through the Uber app, thankfully finding a car that was only two minutes away.

‘In for four, hold for two, out for four, hold for two.’

Dan appeared at the table looking spooked. ‘What’s wrong with Alexa?’

‘Another panic attack,’ Petra whispered loudly to him.

‘Jesus. Can I do anything?’ he asked, depositing the wine we were all supposed to be sharing on the table.

‘I’m taking her home,’ I said. ‘Is that OK, Alexa? Shall we go back to yours?’

A tearful Alexa nodded.

‘Do you want us to come?’ asked Petra, looking as though there were a million things she’d rather do.

‘No, you two stay,’ I said. ‘Enjoy yourselves. These could be the last nine months of your life as a family of two. You won’t be able to go out on a whim once you have a baby, will you?’

I knew it gave her a boost to talk about pregnancy as though it was definitely going to happen for her.

‘If you’re sure,’ said Petra, looking at Alexa with concern. ‘But call me if you need me.’

My phone beeped.

‘Right,’ I said, downing my drink with one hand and wrapping my scarf around my neck with the other. It felt as though I’d only just taken it off. Then I pulled on my coat and helped Alexa into hers. If I could just get her out of the bar and into the taxi, we’d be fine. I’d got this and I didn’t want Dan and Petra to worry.

Half an hour later, Alexa was lying on her sofa with a blanket over her. She typically slept for hours after an attack, but I’d promised to stay the night regardless and was planning to give the place a good tidy. Her flatmate was away for a couple of weeks, and let’s just say that housework wasn’t Alexa’s forte. I got it, she was busy with medical school and was struggling to keep on top of things – it wasn’t surprising that cleaning her flat had been the last thing on her mind.

Instinctively I began to pick up used tea cups and dirty plates and carry them out to the kitchen. I opened the dishwasher, hoping to chuck everything inside, but it was full of dirty cutlery and crockery.Why hadn’t she just turned it on if she’d gone to the trouble of filling it?I wondered. It was like living with my dad and siblings all over again. Speaking of familial responsibility, when I glanced at my phone, which I’d put on silent so as not to disturb Alexa, I saw that my younger sister, Kate, was calling. She needed me more than ever at the moment, what with her marriage being about to implode. I picked up the call without hesitation.

‘Hey,’ I said, wedging the phone between my shoulder and my ear while I ran a sink full of soapy water. I’d have to wash up by hand, and then in a minute I’d put the dishwasher on.

‘Can you talk?’ asked Kate, her speech slightly slurred, as though she’d had a couple of large wines. This was the case most nights at the moment – it was the only way she managed to get through an evening of simmering tension at home she informed me whenever I gently suggested she lay off the booze for a night or two.

‘Sure. What’s up?’

Kate sighed heavily. ‘I tried to talk to Richard about divorce again and he threw it back in my face so that I felt like a terrible person. As though I’m the one ruining ourmarriage! I mean, how many times have I tried to sort things out? I have, haven’t I?’

‘Course you have,’ I said, swirling my hand through the water. Now where did Alexa keep her sponge?

‘So I decided to put the ball in his court again and suggested we get some outside help from a marriage counsellor, and do you know what he said?’ said Kate.

‘Let me guess,’ I said, ‘he doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about his problems?’

‘Exactly! How did you know?’

‘That’s what they all say.’

I wasn’t sure who ‘they’ were, but in a way I sort of got it. I wouldn’t want to talk to a professional about my problems either, in fact the idea of it made my stomach turn. This was just about the only point I agreed with Richard on. Much better to sort things out yourself in your own head, I always thought. Strong, contained and efficient, that was my mantra.