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Chapter Sixteen

That night, we gathered in the hotel bar for one of the sessions I always desperately wanted to avoid: group therapy. There weren’t the tears I was expecting, not generally – Renee had teared up once, but other than that nobody had really said anything devastating enough to cause full on hysterics, although there was a first time for everything. And the hugging I’d dreaded hadn’t really materialised, either. The couples had been tactile with each other of course, but nobody had tried to hug or comfort me, which was just how I liked it; crying in public was something I literally went to the ends of the earth to avoid. In fact, I’d pulled Melissa aside when I’d first got there to see if she could let me off the hook when it came to the group sessions, suggesting that it wasn’t appropriate for me and Theo to hear about the other couples’ relationship issues when we had nothing to comment on ourselves. Melissa had chirpily informed me that we wouldn’t be left out, and that she had plenty of questions to ask us and then persuaded me that this was the most valuable task of all and that if anything was going to help move our partnership forward, this would be it. I very much doubted it, but it had been clear that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

It seemed Theo had arrived just before me and was laughing away with Paul and Rob as though we weren’t about to have our souls stripped bare in front of each other. I steeled myself and took a seat between him and Claire.

‘What are we letting ourselves in for?’ I hissed.

‘Don’t ask me,’ she said, ‘but if Melissa can get Rob to connect to one of his actual feelings, I’m all for it.’

Great, even she was up for this. Claire was usually my only ally in this mad journey we were all on. And Theo, I supposed, but then we didn’t really talk about it openly. I thought we were probably both trying to pretend it wasn’t happening.

‘Right,’ said Melissa, clapping her hands. At least she didn’t have her bell out. ‘I want you to sit in a circle facing inwards. That’s right,’ she said, dragging a chair for herself into the mix. ‘Move back a tiny bit, Scarlett, let Theo shuffle closer to you.’

I sighed inwardly. Him being closer to me was not something I wanted to entertain right now, although at least I could avoid eye contact if I just kept staring straight ahead. Theo dragged his chair closer, his arm brushing against mine as he settled into the tight space. I tried to relax, as though it wasn’t a big deal that we were essentially pressed up against each other, but my mind wasn’t playing ball and I was acutely aware of his tall, manly frame shimmering away in my peripheral vision. A surreptitious sideways glance confirmed how rock hard his biceps were (as if I hadn’t already imagined them a hundred times) and it took extreme effort to stop myself drifing off into a daydream about running my hands over them, up and under the sleeve of his T-shirt, undoing the jumper he had tied round his shoulders, Riviera-style. I shifted in my seat, needing to change the dynamic here. I was being ridiculous: it was just Theo. Annoying, know-it-all, will-ghost-you-at-the-drop-of-a-hat Theo. So what if he was also devastatingly handsome and if when he listened to you, his eyes went all intense and liquidy so that you forgot what you were talking about in the first place? He did that toall women, which was why he was a serial shagger and why I absolutely could not start fancying him again. It would be a recipe for disaster and if I didn’t pull myself together, I was going to struggle to give my all to this book.

‘Why don’t we start with Scarlett and Theo tonight?’ said Melissa, spouting theexactwords I was hoping not to hear.

‘I actually find it helpful to hear other people go first,’ I said, attempting to regain control over proceedings. ‘So that I know what I’m supposed to be doing.’

Melissa looked at me earnestly. ‘There’s no right and wrong here, Scarlett. Just say whatever comes into your head, no judgement. Right guys?’

A chorus ofyesesandabsolutelyspunctured the night air drifting in through the open windows. Thanks for having my back, guys, I thought, although I noticed both Claire and Theo had stayed quiet.

‘So . . .’ said Melissa, striking the fear of God right through me. I could feel Theo tense, too, so perhaps we were more in tune with each other than I thought. At the very least, I knew that both of us would rather be holed up in our rooms working on our book than stuck here talking about feelings. ‘We’re going to think a little bit about attachment theory this evening. Theo, is that a term you’re familiar with?’

He gave a small nod. ‘I’ve heard of it.’

‘It’s about our way of relating to others based on the bond – or lack thereof – we had with our parents or carers as a young child,’ explained Melissa. ‘Depending on our past histories, we might be securely attached or various forms of insecurely attached.’

‘Right,’ said Theo, sounding confused as to what any of this had to do with him. I was vaguely aware of the theory, having read about it in magazine articles over the years, but I’d also given it very little thought beyond that.

‘Let’s think about what your own personal attachment style might be,’ said Melissa, sitting back in her chair, all louche and laid back as though making people squirm was par for the course in Melissa’s world.

I dared to glance at Theo again, noticing how I could physically see his jaw set tight, as though he was clenching his teeth together.

‘I don’t think I have an attachment problem, if that’s what you’re getting at,’ he said.

‘Hmmmn,’ said Melissa, clearly not believing him. ‘So what you’re saying is that you’re securely attached? That you can enter into relationships without the fear that they’re going to end? Without pushing people away for reasons you can’t quite explain?’

There was a beat. A few beats, all of them excruciating.

‘Yes,’ he said, his voice low and gravelly as though it was an effort to speak at all.

Part of me wanted to protest, to tell Melissa she’d hit the nail on the head, that that was exactly what he did. But I couldn’t do that to him, and also, it would be my turn next and I didn’t want him going for the jugular to get back at me.

‘And you don’t find yourself clinging to relationships, desperate to make them work at all costs, even though you know they’re wrong? Feeling as though you can’t live without that person and panicking that they’re going to leave you at any second?’

‘Absolutely not,’ said Theo with confidence.

That was true. It definitely didn’t feel like he did that.

‘And what would you have to say about all of this, Scarlett?’ she asked, directing her gaze at me. ‘Because am I right in thinking that the friendship you had – or the writing partnership as you might prefer to call it – came to ratheran abrupt end? What are your thoughts on what happened there?’

Bloody hell, she was going for it tonight. How was I supposed to answer honestly with Theo next to me and our forearms practically welded together? I was torn between being completely honest and letting it all out, and sweeping in to save Theo from Melissa’s unfairly intrusive line of questioning.

‘I’ve got no idea what Theo’s attachment style is,’ I said, in a rare display of boundary-setting. I didn’t need to do anything extreme, here. ‘And I don’t think I’m really in a position to guess.’

Claire nudged me in the ribs. I was being quite impressive for once, even if I did say so myself. I wasn’t going to let Melissa push me into sharing more than I felt comfortable with – she was always banging on about the therapeutic circle being ‘our space’, so here I was, drawing a line around it.