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‘It’s a shame we left it so long to do it again,’ said Theo, stretching out his legs, crossing them at the ankle, now.

I let that fully sink in. It was a shame.

‘How’s it going with Justin, by the way?’ I asked, changing the subject. ‘Teaching him the nuances of conducting a romance, are you?’

‘You’ll see,’ he replied mysteriously.

‘Tell me everything, immediately,’ I said.

‘I will not.’

I pouted playfully.

‘How are you finding the retreat on the whole?’ he asked me.

‘More fun than I thought it would be when we rocked up from the airport and realised the full extent of Carla’scock-up. And I’ve never done any sort of therapy before, but it’s interesting what you start to discover about yourself, isn’t it? I suddenly feel much clearer about a lot of things, mainly to do with my family, but other stuff, too.’

He was going to think I meant him. Did I mean him?

‘I feel the same way,’ he said. ‘Despite convincing myself, quite successfully, that I’m not capable of having a serious relationship, I’ve realised that maybe itissomething I want. But there’s this block that makes it feel impossible; that I’d have to work out how to break down first. My parents’ relationship was just so fucking bad and there was always so much tension in the house. I’d never want that, and I’d especially never want to inflict it on my children.’

I thought this might be the most honest about himself I’d ever heard him be. And I’d never have imagined him to want children, but perhaps that was because I still wasn’t sure if I wanted them myself.

‘I get why conflict would make you feel unsafe,’ I said. ‘And it might feel like I’m not scared of it in the same way you are, but what I do is, I wade in and I manically diffuse the situation. Like it’s my role, as though it’s my job to single-handedly sort everybody else’s problems out.’

‘It sounds exhausting,’ said Theo.

I nodded. ‘Yep. Can be.’

‘At least you can have relationships, though,’ said Theo, sitting up and leaning his forearms on the balcony. ‘You were with Jackson for years.’

‘Yeah, well. In the end I was with him out of a sense of loyalty rather than because I loved him in that deep, all-consuming way we all dream of loving someone.’

Theo grimaced. ‘Can I tell you something?’

‘Is it going to make me feel better or worse?’

‘Better? I hope,’ he said.

‘Go for it.’

‘I’ve met Jackson a few times, at launches and festivals and suchlike. And he’s fine. A nice guy. But I could never imagine him with you.’ He looked at me, as though expecting me to disagree.

‘It’s strange, with relationships, how you can just fall into spending years of your life with the wrong person,’ I said, watching the wind pick up, the way it whirled leaves around the garden. ‘There was something very familiar about the dynamic between me and Jackson. It felt like he needed me – and as you know, I like to be needed – but as it turns out, he didn’t need me, it had just been easier for him to sit back and let me organise his life for him. It took me a while to work out the difference.’

‘So you ended things?’

I nodded. ‘It was hard. I thought I’d be letting him down, that he wouldn’t be able to cope.’

‘And could he?’

I smiled wryly. ‘He hooked up with his agency’s assistant the week after we broke up, so I’d say so.’

Theo looked across at me. ‘Is it wrong that I’m glad you’re not with him anymore?’ he said softly.

I swallowed hard. When I looked down, I noticed that our knees were pressed against each other’s. The after-effects of the cocktails plus the wine were kicking in and I felt woozy and happy and relaxed and all the things that were dangerous when it came to Theo and I being in such close proximity. I slid off my shoes, wiggling my toes, closing my eyes. I never wanted this feeling, of sitting next to him, of feeling properly understood by somebody for once, to end. And then my foot brushed against his, and the top of his arm nudged my shoulder. When I opened my eyes again I could see his eyelashes in my peripheral vision, could tellthat he was looking at me. My chest was rising and falling, rising and falling and I turned to meet his gaze. I was spiralling deep into something that I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get out of. Part of me wanted to stop and the other part wanted to melt into him immediately, to give everything of myself to him, just for tonight, just once more. Because when you looked at Theo like that, you were pretty much undone, I knew that from experience.

And then the inch or two between us seemed to get smaller and smaller and I couldn’t stop it. He was moving closer, never breaking eye contact and as if in slow motion, and then suddenly a shot of pleasure jolted through me as he put his mouth over mine, gently at first, then more urgently. I leaned into him, tugging at the hem of his shirt to bring him closer to me and then working my hands over his chest so that they were in his hair – that hair! – and I was running my fingers through it and it felt every bit as delicious as I’d remembered. His hand was on my back and I gasped as he ran his palm up my spine tantalisingly slowly and then finally he cradled my head in both hands so that I felt safer than I ever had and held by him in a way that felt so reassuring, as if I’d been waiting for him all my life. Then he stood, pulling me up with him, turning me round so that my back was pressed up against the balcony. I let out a gasp of pleasure, because now when we kissed I could feel every part of him rocking against me and it felt as though my entire body was on fire. When his hand found the space between my bare thighs, slipping it under the hem of my dress, I moaned, putting my fingers on top of his, lacing them together, stopping him from going any higher. I knew where it would lead if he did and I couldn’t. I wanted to, more than anything, but I couldn’t.