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Story: Couples Retreat

I laughed. ‘It could never have been as bad as I’d imagined.’

My phone pinged. And so began my obsession with checking my emails every ten minutes to see if there was any news. I was always like that when a book was out on submission – when I was waiting for someone to read it and give feedback. It was like a compulsion: refresh, refresh, refresh. I couldn’t do anything else, focus on anything else, it was like my whole life hinged on one person’s opinion on whatever it was I’d handed in.

‘Carla,’ I said, scanning her message. ‘Acknowledging my email. She’s keen to read it asap and is going to clear her schedule for the day.’

‘We should be honoured,’ he said. ‘She never cancels meetings.’

The weight of what this must mean felt overwhelming, suddenly. It dawned on me that Carla was counting on this working out almost as much as we were – after all, she only made a living if we made a living, and although she was taking a percentage from all her other clients, too, that didn’t add up to much unless at least some of them were making big money. The fact that she was promising to get back to us by the end of the day was testament to how much she believed in us. I hoped we hadn’t let her down. It didn’t feel like we had, but until somebody had read it with fresh eyes, you never knew how it was going to be received.

‘Scarlett?’ said Theo.

I’d got caught up with re-scanning Carla’s email, trying to read between the lines, wondering whether she literally meant she’d email us back by the end of the day, or whether that was publishing speak for she’d get back to us when she was ready (which could be a week, a month, anything, who knew)?

‘Hmmmn?’ I said, looking up.

‘Do we need to talk about last night?’ he said with a gleam in his eye, challenging me to take him up on the offer.

‘Not sure that’s necessary,’ I said, feeling the all-too-familiar walls going up.

‘So we both know where we stand, then?’

‘Course,’ I said convincingly, although the truth was I had no idea what he was feeling, or even what I was feeling. At least he’d made an attempt to acknowledge thatsomethinghad happened, which was a definite improvement on last time. But then I’d shut him down, so what did that say about me? Melissa would have been very disappointed if she’d overheard this particular exchange.

‘Still up for joining the others in the balneotherapy pool later?’ asked Theo.‘Definitely,’ I said, watching as he downed the last of his coffee. ‘By the way, whatisbalneotherapy?’

‘I guess we’ll find out,’ he said, reaching for a delicious-looking croissant.

The balneotherapy pool was easily big enough for the six of us – Theo and me, Justin and Renee and Claire and Rob. Paul and Harmony were off on their one-to-one with Melissa. We’d each had to choose an area of Cannes or the surrounding area to explore, with the idea being that we would walk and talk about our experiences so far and what they’d thrown up for us. I was obviously dreading ours, which was scheduled for that afternoon, especially after last night, every single second of which was still playing over and over in my mind, despite acting like it hadn’t been to Theo.

‘What is balneotherapy?’ asked Renee.

‘That’s what I just asked,’ I said.

‘I think it’s basically a hot tub with some therapeutic properties,’ said Rob. ‘Minerals or something.’

‘It’s really good for relaxation, apparently,’ added Claire, who was floating on her back in a star shape.

‘This is so cool,’ said Justin, submerging his body in the water, which was as warm as a medium-hot bath. On three sides we had beautiful views of the hills surrounding Cannes and the millionaires’ houses dotted through the lush green of the trees like sprinkles on a cake. And beyond, behind the rooftops and grand hotels, glimpses of the sea.

‘Who’s next with Melissa, then?’ asked Rob.

‘We are,’ said Theo, indicating the two of us. I liked that he’d referred to us as a ‘we’. We were a team now, it was official.

‘Where are you guys headed?’ asked Claire.

‘Le Suquet,’ I said. ‘The old town. There’s a church up there, apparently, and stunning views.’

I wasn’t sure if pretty surroundings were going to make the whole thing any easier, but it felt as though it might. Would Melissa pull the truth out of us, I wondered? Would she help us talk about what had happened instead of squashing it, like I’d blatantly just done? Theo had offered to talk about last night and I’d shut him down. Did that mean he was investing in this process more than I was? That he was trying to change when I wasn’t? Why couldn’t I just be vulnerable for once – were the feelings I kept hidden from everyone really so terrible? I dived under the water to drown out the dialogue in my own head, listening to the gurgle of the pool’s motor instead, and the shifting of water as somebody swam a couple of lengths above me, their legs sending a cascade of froth across the surface. I could stay here forever, I thought, in this warm paradise of a pool, secure in the knowledge I’d done, or at least I’d started doing, the thing I came here to do. And I was proud of what we’d achieved so far. And I may have shared a kiss with Theo, but at least we were both on the same page with avoiding it going any further. We’d handled the morning after like a pair of professional writing partners who’d had a little blip and were now moving on and focusing on the task at hand. Except that as I broke through the surface of the water, Theo’s was the first face I saw and he was smiling at me and I felt confused all over again.

As we approached the base of Le Suquet at the far end of Rue d’Antibes, where we were due to meet Melissa, I nudged Theo in the ribs. She was there already, pacing up and down the street with the phone clamped to her ear. I hesitated, glancing at Theo, who looked as surprised as I was to see Melissa looking anything other than serene.

‘I’m telling you, I’m not putting up with it anymore. So either sort your shit out immediately, or we’re done!’ she hissed into the handset before ending the call and chucking her phone angrily into her shoulder bag.

‘This is awkward,’ I said.

‘It’s actually making me feel much better to see that even Melissa’s relationships don’t run smoothly all of the time,’ said Theo, keeping his voice low as we approached her.

‘Hi!’ I said, extra cheerily.