Page 39

chapter thirty nine

i might as well put my trauma to good use

C hristmas wasn’t supposed to feel like this.

But then again, maybe this was exactly what Christmas was supposed to feel like. Not the snow-globe perfection sold in shop windows or the glittering highlight reels of other people’s lives — but this . Family showing up, not because everything was merry and bright, but because someone needed them. Because love doesn’t check the calendar or care about wrapping paper.

Okay, sure — it wasn’t postcard perfect. We weren’t sipping hot chocolate by the fire or unwrapping presents beneath twinkling lights. We were curled in plastic chairs, drifting off to the soft beeping of machines instead of carols. But the spirit was still here, quietly pulsing beneath the fluorescent lights. In the way we held hands. In the way no one left, even when there was nothing left to say. In the way we chose to be together, even like this .

Because maybe that’s what Christmas really is — not the setting, but the staying.

Tha t was where my mind was slipping to before a rattling tray of medical supplies sounded in the hallway, stealing away any and all of the sleep that was about to grab me.

I was sitting in the chair closest to the hospital bed Jason Rhodes had been lying in for two days now, myknees pulled to my chest, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. The beeping monitor was the only sound in the room, filling the silence like a metronome ticking off the seconds of uncertainty.

Jack had gone back to the ranch for a fresh changeof clothes. Daisy, sweet as ever, had disappeared to the children’s ward to sing Christmas carols, something she did every year according to Finn.

Finn.

His name was the breeze I needed right now.

He’d fallen asleep beside me, his head leaningagainst my shoulder, his breathslow and even. He hadn’t let himself rest since we got here, and I was grateful for this quiet moment, even if it wasn’t the peace he deserved.

My heart ached for him as I stole a glance. I wanted to help, to fixeverything, but this? I didn’t know how. I’d known loss— God, had I known loss —but this was different. Finn’s dad wasn’t lost in the way mine had been. He was here, but not.

A hollow shell of a man, trapped in grief.

Finn stirred against me, his eyes fluttering open. Heblinked a few times, disoriented, before sitting up and rubbing his face.

“Hey," I ran my fingers through his hair, dipping my eyes to his. "You okay?”

He nodded, but his expression said otherwise, sinking thesecond I watched him remember where he was. He shuffled again, re-tousling his blonde strands that seemed duller in here somehow, before sighing. “I think I need some air.”

Before I could say anything else, he was on hisfeet, pulling his coat off the back of the chair and slipping out the door.

My entire body sighed as I leant back in my chair. He’d barely spoken to any of us since arriving here, which is why I knew he wasn’t pushing me away.

This was something else entirely. Something he’dbeen trying to battle for the last half of his life. A part of me felt guilty for being so hard on him when we came back after summer, but then again, I had no idea that the man stirring in the bed next to me was the reason he was—

Wait. Why was he stirring?

I blinked away the dryness of my eyes, watching thethin sheets shuffle.

The sound of a soft groan broke through mythoughts. My head snapped up, and my breath caught in my throat as I saw Jason’s eyes flutter open.

Oh. God. He was awake.

What the hell was I supposed to do? What was Isupposed to say?

Hello, sir. You don’t know me, but I’m Rory.Terribly sorry about your circumstances. I hear that hypothermia is a real bitch this time of year?

Panic and uncertainty swirled in my chest as Istood on instinct and moved closer to the bed. His eyes were glassy, unfocu sed, squirming from the harsh light, but they eventually landed on me.

“Where… where am I?” His voice was hoarse,barely more than a whisper.

“You’re in the hospital,” I rushed, my voice wavering.“Honeywood General.”

He frowned, the sunken lines in his forehead deepening as he tried toprocess the information. Then his dull, almost grey eyes wandered to me. “Who are you?”

“I’m Rory,” I said, nerves wrecking my voice as Ipulled at my fingers nervously. “I’m with Finn and Daisy. Jack too. They’re not here right now, but they’ll be back any minute.”

His face twisted, like I was saying everything tentimes the speed he could handle. I probably was. But I’d never done this before. I didn’t know what I was doing.

As I controlled my babbling, I set my eyes back onJason, and for a moment, I saw something that looked like shame flash across his features. He muttered something under his breath, but I couldn’t make it out.

“The.. uh… doctors said you’re stable, for now,” Ishifted on my feet. “Should I go… get one of them?”

“No, not yet.” He shook his head, his lip tremblingslightly. “I-I need a minute.”

The thing that slapped me with shock was how sober he sounded.

His looks were a different story. But his voice? It was almost… normal.This wasn’t the man Finn and Daisy had descri bedto me. He didn’t sound indifferent or cruel. He just sounded… lost.

“Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly.

He let out a dry, humourless laugh. “Never beenbetter. I think I'm in my prime, actually.”

I couldn’t help but smile faintly. “I suppose you're the one I need to thank for Finn's sarcasm, then.”

He smiled too, a small, fleeting thing, as hegroaned. “Um, how do you know them? Finn and Daisy?”

“I met Daisy at Liberty Grove,” I said, shufflingawkwardly. “She’s one of my best friends.”

“And Finn?”

I nodded, swallowing my nerves.

Here goes .

“He’s my boyfriend.”

For the first time, some colour returned to hischeeks, and the green I saw every day in Finn's stare shone back at me too. “That’s nice. That’s good news to wake up to.”

He shifted slightly, wincing at the movement. Istepped forward, adjusting the pillows behind his back. I didn’t think before my mouth opened. “They worry about you all the time, you know.”

He rolled his sunken eyes, a pained chuckleescaping him. “They? Daisy, sure. But Finn? The kid hates me.”

My head shook. “He doesn’t hate you—”

“He does. And if you know him, then you know that he does,” he interrupted, his voice trembling.“And I don’t blame him. Look at me.”

I h esitated, then said, “Finn’s different.” I wanderedback to my seat, tugging my sleeves over my knuckles. “I think he feels everything a lot more than everyone else. Though with how funny he is, you wouldn’t realise how much he’s hurting on the inside. Believe me, I know.” My breath faltered. “And I think what happened with your...” Oh God, I really shouldn’t be the one to be here right now. But I was stuck. So I cleared my throat. “You were actually the reason we almost never got together.”

That caught his attention, his eyes widening as he sat up. “How?”

I shrugged. “He saw what happened when you lost your wife and didn’t want to become you someday.” I took a breath, letting that sink in. “He told me that when he realised how much he liked me, he got scared. Worried that if anything happened to me—or us—he’d end up like you. That his life would be over.”

The words hung heavy in the air. His facecrumpled, and regret consumed me as my hands flew to my mouth, like I could take it back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been the one to tell you that.”

He wiped at a rogue tear. “No, it’s okay." Sheepishly, his eyes wandered to me. "I nevermeant for this to happen.”

Pain lathered his voice, cracking in a way I'd never heard a voice crack before.

“I’m sorry," I said earnestly.

He shook his head, his smile raw, almostdamning. “I wanted to forget I’d lost her. Just for a moment. But a moment turned into a year and when I took a second to remember them, I realised I’d gone too far. I went so far that I forgot… I forgot my kids.” His voice broke, a sob escaping him, like he forgot I was here. “They needed me, and I wasn’t there." His bottom lip trembled. "I’ve never been there.”

Every empty space there was in the room was stolen by his sniffles and groans, but still,I heard my heart cracking for him. He was more self-aware than I think the others realised. That confession sounded like one he’d wanted to scream for so long but had never had the space to.

I suppose me being the only one here was needed.

That thought triggered something, and before Iknew it, my mouth was open.

“My mom died when I was younger,” I said quietly, but it earned me his attention.“It was just me and my dad after that. He lost the love of his life, and on the surface, he was fine. Present. But deep down, he was broken, and I think keeping it locked away is what took his life.”

Jason looked at me, his eyes searching mine.

“You still have a chance,” I said, leaning closer.“Your world is still here as long as they’re here. Don’t let a broken heart destroy it.” Emotion lodged in my throat, and the sting of my tears was instantly recognisable. I swatted a tear away before it could wet my face. “I wish I could have been brave enough to tell that to my dad.”

It was as though every ounce of alcohol drainedfrom his system as my words reached him, sobering him better than any drip and medication ever could.

He nodded, his hands trembling like I’d slappedhim. “Thank you.”

I gave him a small smile, dried another tear, andthen stood. “I’ll go tell the doctors you’re awake.”

My breaths became my own again as I stepped intothe hallway, but before I could cast my eyes to any sign, I stopped short.Finn was standing just outside the door, his handsshoved deep into his coat pockets, his eyes red-rimmed.

“You heard all of that, didn’t you?” I asked.

He didn’t answer. Instead, he strode toward me,cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me.