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chapter twenty seven

louder so my heart can hear the truth

I ’ve had butterflies for days.

And Finn Rhodes is to blame.

Well, mostly him. My stomach still flippedwhenever I replayed my skates from regionals. Then the flutters burst like fireworks when I remembered that sectionals were next. And in those gaps between thoughts, I thought of Finn, his text that was waiting for me after my last skate, his smile when I called him to tell him I placed fourth, and the kiss…

All of it.

Those butterflies were revving theirengines as Daisy and I entered the Lionsrink, right before my phone buzzed with a notification. I opened it as Daisy’s hand tugged me, those butterflies soaring to the highest point they could as I saw the picture he’d sent in his jersey, his helmet firmly on his head, but I could still make out the fierce green shades of his eyes. But what had my smile aching was the caption attached to it.

I’ll look for you when I score.

I w as ready to collapse.

There should be a ban on him sayingthings like that because my heart was ready to burst.

That urge to scan the ice for him, only toknow I’d blush and take a sudden interest in the laces of my shoes when his eyes found me, was still as strong as ever. So instead I kept my eyes on our seats until we settled into them.

“Hot chocolate?” Daisy asked, shoving asteaming cup into my hands. She’d insisted on getting it, despite my protests. Although that blank lid was calling my name.

“Thanks,” I said, cradling it for warmth. “And thank you for coming with me.”

Daisy sipped her drink, bundling herself inher sage green jumper. “Are you kidding? This is what my dreams look like. Watching grown men throw themselves at each other on ice whilst I snack? Yes please.”

I smirked. “Any of those guys in particular, say, oh I don't know, the handsome goalie,at the front and centre of those dreams?”

Those stark green eyes swerved to me.“Nope. Nu’uh. Not talking about it.”

My body slumped as a sigh fell out of me.“Oh, come on. What is the deal with you two? Why are you prolonging the inevitable?”

She knocked her head to the side. “Andwhat is the inevitable?”

I s hrugged, casual as anything. “You andJesse admitting that you’re both madly in love with each other and living happily ever after writing music and falling even more in love than you both are now.”

I could see her fighting a smile. “I lovethat you put thought into that.”

I wasn’t bothered about how big mine was.“I can just see it happening. Although for it to actually happen, one of you is going to have to crack.”

A few people coming into our rowsqueezed passed us, as we shuffled our legsto the side. “That’s the flaw in your plan, Ror. I doubt I’ll ever have the courage to tell him how I feel. And I don’t think Jess likes me like that to crack.” We shuffled back around. “And before you start with the ‘but you don’t see the way he looks at you’ speech, I do see it sometimes, and I know it doesn’t mean anything because he’s looked at me like that for sixteen years.” Her eyes flicked to me, her slight smile creasing the corners of them. “And that’s fine. I’m happy with that. Okay?”

It was hard not to believe Daisy. In everyaspect of our lives. Mostly because I don’t think she considered lying a good use of her time. She was too sweet for it. However part of me wondered whether she didn’t want to lie to anyone else because she was already lying to herself about whatever was going on between her and Jess.

It was coming, though. I just knew it.

“Okay,” I muttered, leaning into her softlybefore arching my back against the seat.

I f elt Daisy shuffle beside me. “But whatwe can talk about is this kiss I keep hearing about between you and—”

“Ohhh no.” My curls whipped me as Ishook my head. “If you’re not talkingabout your love life then I’m definitely not talking about mine.”

But as the kiss wedged itself between thegaps in my thoughts again, I was pretty sure she had everything she needed to know what she wanted.

For the first time in a long time, I felthopeful about Finn and I. As though I waswalking around with stardust scattered over me when I remembered that there could potentially be an ‘us’. Everything felt right. Aligned. And now that I finally had a reason for why he turned me down, I felt like I could breathe.It wasn’t that he didn’t like me, it was thathe liked me so much that he was scared of losing me.

The second he told me that I felt the spacein my heart for him double its size.

Tripling when I kissed him.

God, I wanted to kiss him again.

As the blurry image filled my mind thelights dimmed, and the crowd roared as the announcer’s voice echoed over the speakers, calling out the names of the Liberty Grove players. One by one, the team skated out, their blades slicing the ice with a satisfying hiss.

And then there he was.

My heart sighed as he glided onto the rink,his jersey snug over his broad shoulders, his helmet obscuring most of his face but not the energy that radiated off him. He skated a quick loop, tapping his stick against the boards as the crowd cheered. My cheeks flushed, and not from the cold.

“Tell your face I said thank you for tellingme exactly how well your love life is going,” Daisy whispered.

I elbowed her. Lightly.

Behind us, a burst of laughter cut throughthe arena’s thick hum. A group of girls slid into their seats, their excited chatter bubbling over like soda fizz. At first, I barely noticed, my eyes fixed on Finn as he glided across the ice, his jersey rippling with each stride. He skated up to his teammates, murmuring something before they pulled into a tight huddle at centre ice.

Then, one of the girls spoke, her voicelifting above the rest.

“Why the fuck did I wear heels? And whythe fuck are there so many steps?” one of them whined.

“Will you stop complaining?” Another pleaded.

“No I won’t, Amy. You said that we couldstand up against the glass, that they’d be able to see us.” She groaned, almost like she couldn’t get comfortable. “I wore my goddamn Mother of Pearl Van Cleef to be sat in the ceiling.”

Amy sighed. “I thought we could! Somegirl in my modern art class was talking about it.”

“Well tell her thank you. She owes me newJimmy’s.” Mother of Pearl groaned.

What sounded like a third voice entered in.

“Can we all just calm down? We can see fine. Look, you can even make out Kilner's leg muscles from here.”

“Kilner’s so hot that it’s painful.” one ofthem, Amy I think, practically moaned.

“Are you blind?” That g rating voice wasMother of Pearl. “Adrian is so much hotter. Actually no , I call Hatterson.”

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?” The thirdasked.

Mother of Pearl hummed. “Not that Iknow of. Why? Did you hear something?”

“No, but if he is single then you better getin there fast.”

I fought the urge to turn round and mutter save yourself.

Then the girl directly behind me clearedher throat, I think that was Amy. “Are youboth blind? Look at Rhodes. He’s like some territorial animal out there,”

“And in the bedroom, according toGracie.” Mother of Pearl mumbled, prompting a round of laughter.

I stiffened, my heart stammering.Glancing at Daisy, who raised an eyebrowat me, I froze completely.

“What?” she mouthed.

I didn’t respond, just nudged her shoulderlightly and tilted my head toward the girls behind us. She caught on quickly, leaning closer so we could eavesdrop together.

“How did you hear about him andGracie? That was ages ago.” one of the girls asked.

I was too busy trying to breathe than decipher who.

“She hasn’t shut up about it in the ninemonths since. Said he was amazing. And he must be because she’s with Henry Sommerford now and hasn’t once bragged about their sex being that good.”

I felt my stomach twist.

Another girl snorted. “I heard the samefrom Gretchen. And didn’t he hook up with Sabrina, too? Last year?”

“ Which one? Sabrina I was dorm mateswith or Sabrina from Zeta Kappa’s luaus?”

“Probably both.” Mother of Pearlsnickered. “Lucky bitches.”

The hot chocolate burned my palms, but Iclung to it like a lifeline, the steam curling up and stinging my eyes. Or maybe it was tears I was holding back.

The girls’ laughter echoed in my head,each giggle twisting the knife.

Why did you ignore me last year?

I was scared.

His words, the way he looked at me as that low, earnest toneslipped from his lips, now felt like a cruel joke. That sadness turned to anger too quickly for me to stop it from taking over.

I couldn't believe I'd fell for it. Again.

Scared?

No.

That was a lie. A pretty littleexcuse to keep me at arm’s length whilehe was brave enough—no, eager enough—to share himself with anyone but me.

I wondered if there were more. Some sickpart of me wanted an actual number. Wanted to know the lengths he’d gone to to avoid me. I didn’t even know the names they’d mentioned, but it hurt all the same. Their voices danced behind me like ghosts, painting pictures I didn’t want to see but couldn’t stop imagining.

Fin n, laughing, pulling someone close,whispering to her like he whispered to me—

Stop it, Rory. Just stop it.

I was torturing myself, but what else couldI do? My chest felt too tight, each breath shallow and jagged. I stared at the ice rink below, where Finn skated with his team, his jersey catching the arena lights. My heart, foolish and naive, clenched at the sight of him.

How could he? How could he give themwhat he was too scared to give me? How could he pretend to be afraid of love when he’d been fearless with them?

The betrayal hit like a strom surge, crashing overme, dragging me under. I was drowning under the weight of it, the heat of my anger and the chill of my humiliation fighting for centre stage.

“Rory?” Daisy’s voice cut through the roarof the crowd. Her hand found my arm, grounding me for a moment. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t—” The words stuck in my throat. Ishook my head, tearing my arm free and stumbling into the aisle.

“Wait!” she called, but I didn’t stop. Icouldn’t. The noise of the arena, the girls’ voices, the sight of him—it was too much.

I pushed through the crowd, my handgripping the railing so tightly that myknuckles turned white. I didn’t know where I was going, only that I needed to get away. Away from them. Away from the doubts beating around my head.

Away from the truth.

The announcer’s voice boomed, but hiswords blurred together. My pulse thundered in my ears, each beat pounding with questions I couldn’t answer. Did he know? Had he seen me leave? Did he even care? Even if he didn’t, I didn’t want to talk tohim. I needed space. Space to figure out what the hell was going on. To cry and scream and yell and—

“Oh—oh, hey, Rory!” Bindi’s voice broke through the noise, hersunshine smile bright enough to make the edges of my panic soften for a moment.

I forced a weak smile, the effort almostpainful. “H-hey, Bindi.” My voice sounded strange, breathless, like I’d just ran a mile. “How are you?”

Her brows knit together as she studied me,her eyes scanning my face with that sharp, almost disarming focus of hers. “I think the better question is how are you ?”

I hesitated, my pulse hammering in myears. “Um… not good, actually.” The words tumbled out before I could think, my hands raking through my hair as if I could pull the mess in my chest into something manageable. My gaze drifted over her, hoping for a distraction and taking in her outfit—a Lions jersey instead of the usual cheer uniform. “What happened to the uniforms?”

Her smile returned, soft at first, thenwidening with the kind of enthusiasm that made you forget she’d just been worried. “Oh, it’s jersey night!”

“Jersey night?” I repeated.

She nodded eagerly. “Yeah, we do it everyseason. Everyone picks a player to represent and whatever sales we make from the jerse' s goes straight to charity. Isn’t it fun?” She spun, showing off the number on her back. “I picked number four. Selfish pick really, but what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t choose my boyfriend's jersey?”

Her giggle floated around me, but myfocus shifted, narrowing.

Jersey night.The team. The players’ numbers on their backs.

Bindi kept talking, something about howthe jerseys were a nice break from the usual uniforms, but her voice was distant now, a murmur under the hum of the cogs turning in my brain. My eyes flicked to the ice, the players prepping for the game, weaving in and out of each other in fluid motions. Each jersey number caught the light for a second before disappearing into the fray.

And then I saw him.

His number seemed to burn into myvision, as though it was beckon ing me. Mybreath hitched, something dark and electric sparking in the back of my mind.

I turned back to Bindi, my voice even, almost casual. “I don’t suppose the team would let me have one last dance with them?”

Bindi’s playful smirk returned, thoughthere was a glint of curiosity in her eyes. “There's no Liberty rep here tonight, and Coach is out sick…” She tilted her head, pretending to consider it before breaking into a grin. “Yeah, I think we could get away with it.” Before I could change my mind, shegrabbed my hand and tugged me towardthe gift shop, chattering excitedly. “Any idea whose jersey you want?”

My lips curved into a faint, deliberatesmile. “Yeah,” I said, locking onto the number that would leave its mark exactly where it was meant to. “Number 24. Hatterson.”