Page 3

chapter three

i might not know where i belong, but i know it's not in his arms

Y ou know that feeling when you’re at a party and you realise that you could just slip away, and nothing about the party would change? You realise that people won’t stop and look for you, pause everything until you’re back?

That was kind of what it felt like for me at Liberty Grove.

I could have never come back and I’m sure my professors wouldn’t havethought twice about why I wasn’t there, or even if they remembered me being here at all.

Wasn’t there a girl with long brown hair? Always in pink? She looked a little likeshe was seeing the universe's entire history whenever she sat in here. Vacant, almost no-thoughts kind of stare? No? Must be my imagination.

I wouldn’t blame my professors if theyever had that conversation, because I felt like even more of a ghost last year than Idid right now. As though I was just on autopilot and had no real sense of what I was even doing here anymore.

But it was a way of getting closer to my dad, so I suppose that had to count forsomething.

Don’t even think about crying right now, Aurora. Not here. Wait until you’re home.

I squeezed my eyes closed, pushing down the swell of tears, before springingthem open and bursting open the doors that led to the law lecture halls.

The building loomed ahead, all whitestone, sharp edges and glass reflecting a sky that felt too heavy with grey clouds. I never thought I’d end up here, in a place that didn’t feel like mine. But when the idea first struck—that maybe this could bring a flicker of light back into Dad’s life—I didn’t hesitate. I couldn’t.

Law had been his lifeline. After Mom died,it was what kept him upright, kept him from crumbling under the weight of his grief. That, and me. Family law, he used to say, was more than just a career—it was a way of helping people rebuild what was broken. And now, somehow, I was here, trying to do the same for him.

The dream wasn’t mine. It never had been. But if it could lift even one shadowfrom his face, that was enough. Or at least, I thought it could be. Regardless of whether or not it was whatI wanted for myself.

But I told myself the look on his facewhen I showed him my acceptance letterto Liberty would be worth it. It would make me happy enough just to know that he was happier. That he had another thing to live for.

But he’s dead now, Aurora. So, who areyou doing this for?

There was only so much I could think aboutDad without pushing the tears all theway down. It had only been a few months—a second compared to how long he was on this earth, so things were still fresh.

And by fresh, I meant soul crushing.

I hadn’t imagined what it would feel like to dread waking up, but now I couldwrite an entire novel on it. Not in the sense that I didn’t want to wake up, but more along the lines of dreading what I’d have to face when I did. What attorney was I going to have to email back today? What funeral director was I going to have to call to triple-check that everything was paid? What bank assistant would be calling me to ask about when the mortgage payments on Dad’s house would resume?

All that was why, the second I opened myeyes, I wished I never had.

I quickened my pace as I hurried down thehall, like it would help whisk away my thoughts faster, as my shoes scuffed on the stone while my eyes drifted out the empty windows of the open tracery. I traced the gardens, each green leaf that looked as though someone had painted the tips brown. I studied the spires that sat atop the turrets, following the jagged edges and telling myself that it was only getting cloudy because of the weather.

I swiped at my eyes, the moisture drippingfrom my fingertips.

Before I knew it, I was heading through thedoors that lead into the hallway where I spent my classes last year. And just like last year, the nagging feeling that I wasn't supposed to be here nipped at the back of my neck, subtly pulling me from my steps.

Get a grip, Rory. You like law. It’s easy, surprisingly. At least you’ll have acareer once you leave here. Be lucky for that. Stop being so ungrateful.

But it didn’t feel like I was simply being ungrateful. It didn’t feel like I wassome spoiled brat who was taking this for granted. It was more like I was hearing something—my own voice, telling me what I already knew.

This was his career. Not mine. Idecide what makes me happy now.

No. No .

I’m fine.

It’s because I’m still thinking aboutMontana. That’s all it is. I’m grieving the onlyman I had in my life, and being there was just too much. But I’ll get over it. With time.

Sweat coated my forehead, which I knew was because I was getting stressed. It was almost freezing outside, and even with my ear muffs and matching pink scarf, I was still shivering. My lungs inflated with the cold air as I rounded the corner and spotted the room where my class was. Seeing it made me tug my scarf loose.

Perhaps I needed another day. To think about things. To remind myself of whyI was here. Settle back into the city and college life, and maybe tomorrow I'd be ready. Maybe. I don’t know.

When I got a few paces away from the door, something in my brain short circuited, and before I knew it I was facing the other way. Taking a moment to think. To catch my breath .

Why can’t everything be simple? Why couldn’t things have stayed thesame?

I turned back around, eyeing the door again.

Maybe because life doesn’t stay the same, Rory. Now get a grip and grow up.

My hand nervously rose to the end of one of my braids, tugging at the tuft of hair as I turned away.

I should give myself time. I’m not ready.

I turned back to the door.

Grow up. You’re almost twenty.

I spun away.

I can’t. I can’t do it.

My breaths quivered as I turned back to facethe door. Frustration becomes me, and I can’t think of anything to do other than let my mitten-covered hands hold my face before thrashing them by my side. “Oh, putain . Putain. Putain. Putain. Putain—” 1

“Woah, nice cursing.”

That voice could stop time. I was sure ofit. But I’m pretty sure Finn Rhodes could do anything, convince the world to stop spinning if he asked in just the right way.

I questioned whether I should just suck it up and lift my head, or walkoff like I hadn’t heard him. But that was an impossible dream. My fragile heart was so ridiculously enchanted by him that turning away felt like I’d be doing my heart a disservice after everything it had been through.

My hands slowed their thrashing, and my eyes dropped to the tips of my feet,the patent sheen catching in the hazy light. I studied them for a moment before slowly trailing my eyes up his figure.

He was wearing his Lions jersey, the white and green fabric falling from hisbroad shoulders and dropping effortlessly around his torso. There was a fresh layer of stubble around his jaw, like he hadn’t found the time to shave this morning. But I liked it. I, annoyingly, liked everything about this man.

I followed my way up his face, not stopping until I fell into the greenlagoons of his eyes, only realising then that drowning had never felt like a better way to distract myself from the dumpster fire that was my life.

But as I imagine myself floating on my back, lapping up the emeraldshades in my hands, I lose my balance, no longer feeling the bottom with my feet. And I panic, I lose my breath, and I feel the humiliation wash over me and snatch the life from me.

My mind dragged me back to last year. Goldie’s birthday dinner. And then Iremembered all the ways that stare hurt me, forcing me to focus on the tips of my shoes again.

I don’t deserve all this heartache. What have I done to deserve this? Tellme. Please tell me so I can right whatever wrong I’ve done. I'm sorry, okay? Please. Tell me anything. I want my life back to the way it was.

I finally lifted my head, praying that he wouldn't notice the sheen over myeyes. But as I fell into that lethal stare I felt it; the spark of fury that ignited everytime I thought about what had happened between us. I shrugged, as casually as my shoulders would allow while that fury rattled through me. “I spoke French before I knew English, of course my cursing is good.”

I caught the flicker in his eyes—something quick and sharp, skating justbeneath the surface. It wasn’t surprise. Pride, maybe? Or guilt? Whatever it was, it twisted me up inside, making it even harder to figure him out.

This was the same person who turned me down and then spent our freshman yearavoiding me like I was contagious. The same person who asked about me through my friends, because he didn’t want to find me and ask me myself. And now here he was, gazing down at me like some goddamn saviour, ready to scoop me up in his arms and save me from crumbling my life.

If this was his sympathy stare, then I’d scream. He avoided me for too long tonow come riding up on his white horse and shiny armor.

Like I could read the question every person I’d crossed paths with this summerhad asked me written in his mind, ready to fall out, I blurted. “I’m fine.”

He tilted his head slightly, not enough that it was condescending, but enoughthat his blonde waves drooped over his forehead, whatever he’d washed it with wafting between us. Almond, I think.

His mouth parted, the beginnings of his wicked smirk teasing in the corners. “Well hello to you too, Aurora." I felt my stomach hollow at the depth of his voice. "And, you do know that it’s okay if you’re not. Right?”

God, that voice . All deep and warm. It wasenough for me to remember all the reasons I fell for him last year.

You fell and he broke your heart, Aurora. Don’t forget that.

I angled my head up to him with wobbly courage, not breakingour stare. “Since when do you careabout my feelings?”

He didn’t falter. “Since always.” He dared a step forward, thickening the airbetween us. “Even more so since you lost another parent, Rory.”

Don’t think about that right now. Don’tyou dare.

“I know what that loss feels like; remember. And know that swallowingwhatever is stopping you from crying right now won’t always work.”

Considering we spent so much of our time trying to exist anywhere but around each other last year, we really weren't the type for small talk. Nope, we went straight for the obvious. And right now that happened to be the fact that I'd clearly just bee crying and he'd found me in the middle of what would have been a breakdown had he not.

He shifted his weight, eyes holding me, as though I were nestled in his arms. “I’m just reminding you that I’m here. Daisy’s here.” He nodded. “Whenever you need.”

I’m drowning, Finn. I’m sinking, and I don’t know how to pull myself up forair. Let me grab your hand.

It would be so easy to let myself caveright now. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I jumped into his arms at the first sign of affection, only for him to drop me again.

I shook my head, shaking free those thoughts. Trusting his voice, and his eyes, was a terrible plan, one that would only end in more destruction.

He shuffled his weight, scrubbing a thumb against his stubble. I already didn’tlike the question I could see him waiting to ask.Almost on cue, his lips popped open. “Also, this might sound weird, but… Ithink we saw each other.” Oh no. “I didn’t know that you lived—”

“That wasn’t me.” I blurted.

Finn blinked at me, his eyes telling me better than words could that that was allthe confirmation he needed to know it was me he saw that day. “It wasn’t you?”

I shook my head. “No. And I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

A humourless smilecurled up his face as he pulled his slipping backpack up higher on his shoulder. “Right.”

I blinked. “What?”

His arms flailed helplessly. “Is that whatit’s going to be like again this year?”

“Like what again?”

His stare didn’t falter, like he’d been waiting for this conversation all summer.“This. Us. Pretending that we don’t exist.”

I stood my ground, shock veiling my stare. “If you’re looking for anyone to blame for this—” I pointedmy finger between us. “—then I’ll gladly fetch you a mirror.”

It was like the world fell silent to watch the war between us. As though the campus had been evacuated purely for us.

I refused tofeel bad for staying so far away from him last year, and he should feel guilty for trying to make me the villain in this pathetic charade we’ve been keeping up.

But the longer I didn’t break his gaze the more I watched things unravel behindhis eyes. He knew that what he did, how he turned me down, was the reason behind this. If he hadn’t, if he’d said anything at all, then maybe we wouldn't have to tiptoe around each other and sit at opposite ends of the table when all of us went out to eat.

But then the truth I’d been avoiding all year comes floodingback.

It’s because he doesn’t like you. And you have to get over that.

I let my body fall back, widening the gap between us and reaching my hand outtowards the door. “Like I said, I’m fine.” I twisted the handle, forgetting the pull from the outside that told me I didn’t belong in that class. “If you want to know how I am you can ask the others.”

I slipped into the room, closing the door and resting my back against it, like Iwas trapping a fire, stopping it from seeping in and burning me. Luckily, there was no one in here yet, and I was too busy trying to push my tears back down to guess whether my eagerness to be here this early was just a front for how much I’d rather bolt right back out of here.

Out of Liberty Grove for good.

1. Fuck.