Page 15

chapter fifteen

my knight in a shining jersey

W hen my lecture began, I thought that picking a seat in the centre, directly at eye level with the big clock on the wall would be smart. I could count the minutes until I could get out of here and head to the rink to start rehearsing for the recital next Saturday.

But counting down the seconds wasonly making them drag longer. So instead, I let my eyes go vacant, and began running over the choreo I’d learned on the weekend in my head.

I was still unsure about the whole thing iftruth be told. I felt out of my depths,like I’d only just learned how to swim and had suddenly been dropped in the middle of the Pacific with no life vest. But when I looked back at the clock and saw I still had fifty-six minutes of sitting here, not listening and not caring about a single thing that was being discussed, I'd compete now if I meant I was anywhere but here.

I could have easily skipped class, but I didn’t. I thought that maybe showing up to this one would make up for the times I hadn’t. Righting the wrongs in my head. I just felt bad that time and effort had been put into organising this class, that I was be ing ungrateful for the opportunity to even come, when there were probably so many other people who didn’t get in who actually wanted to be here.

The buzzing of my phone paused mythoughts, and my attention drifted to mylap as I pulled the thing out of my jeans.

finn

today at 15:06pm

knock knock.

Two words. Two words were apparentlyall it took for me to forget that I wasn’t happy.

I sighed before answering him, thoughnot one part of it was filled with anythingbut relief.

… who’s there?

ice.

ice who?

ice been worried about you. how’s class?

wow. just wow

what? that was solid. ten ou t of ten.

you spelt one wrong

you wound me. i was up all night workshopping that.

i think you need more friends if that was how you spent your night

nah, i fell asleep halfway through my practice midterms and got distracted.

I kept my giggle to myself.

i’m sorry I just can’t picture you actively studying on your own accord.

rude

it's just baby steps remember. i got tristan to test me on my oral the other night and i nearly aced it. which was what gave me the confidence to try the midterm.

is that why goldie asked me for my french dictio naries?

he wants to add some french into his songs now.

i think they just want to be us.

Us.

Strange to think that meant something other than distance and grudges now.

Well— sort of.

I still didn’t know exactly how to feel about this shift between us. It was sudden, and getting over my feelings for him wasn't going to be easy.

Part of me still bristled at how close we’d become again. But another part—quieter, gentler—felt lighter. Like maybe the past didn’t own me anymore. Maybe I was finally moving on.

That thought alone made me a little happy.

So when his next text came in, I let myself smile.

anyway you didn’t answer my question. how’s class?

it’s fine.

fine? just fine?

fine, as in okay.

okay, as in good? or okay, as in ‘i don’t want to talk about it, finn, go away. i still hate you’?

I didn’t have the energy to think about why my first instinct was to tell him thatI didn’t still hate him.

My leg began to shake nervously. I suppose there was no harm in tellingsomeone else that I hadn’t exactly loved being back in classes since the year started.

okay as in i don’t think i want to be here anymore.

in class?

yeah. law. school. all of it.

oh.

yeah. big oh.

how long have you felt like this?

longer than i should’ve. but if i had to say when, i’d guess the morning after skating with y ou.

i think i realised that after just ten minutes on the ice, i was happier than I’d ever been being lectured about the justice system.

i see

i guess i was hoping it’d click eventually.

and it hasn’t?

not even a little.

A minute or so passed before my phone buzzed again.

why didn’t you say anything sooner?

i don’t know. i didn’t want to let anyone down, i guess.

rory.

what?

no one would be mad at you for thinking of yourself for once.

you don’t know that.

i do know that. all you do is think of others. is it so crazy to admit that you deserve to do something for you?

i don't think were at the stage yet where you can say things like that to me

i'm just being honest with a friend.

Friend.

Hear that brain? He said friend. Remember that.

and right now i think my friend should just leave her class if she's not enjoying it.

it’s not that simple.

it could be that simple. you just have to let it be.

easy for you. i bet all you have to do is stand in the sunlight long enough and your proffesors just pass you.

if that were true i wouldn't need you.

but thankf ully i do.

i'll repeat. i don't think were at the stage where you can say things like that to me.

just leave class rory

you make it sound easy.

it probably won’t be for you, because you’re all good. but that doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it.

This was crazy. I couldn’t leave this class. The thought was laughable.

But the longer I sat there, letting the idea spin into something real, I imaginedwhat it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore. Not just this class, but Liberty Grove altogether. But all that led me to was more questions.

Would I still see the girls? Or Jess? Or Tristan? Would Finn want to hangaround with me? And what would happen if the whole skating thing fizzled out in a few months and I’d unknowingly thrown away my one shot at having a good, stable life?

I looked back down at my screen and typed away.

i don’t think i got enough sleep. this is insane.

the only thing that’s insane is you denying yourself the space to really figure out what you want.

you really believe that?

100%. and hey, if it turns out what you want is to live a life devoted to ruining the lives of the ones who have wronged you, i’ll happily be your ride.

In an instant, my cheeks heated.

thank you.

anytime. and rory?

yeah?

ice believe in you.

you’re the worst.

admit it. you smiled.

maybe.

knew it.

This goddamn smile would not leave myface. I had to change the subject.

but how are you? how’s your non-sucky life?

still just as sucky. i’m just leaving my class now.

how long do you have left of yours?

I looked up at the clock and my heart sank.

another 52 minutes

Two minutes went by without a response. I wasn’t surprised though, seeing asthough the walls were made of the thickest stone. The service was so patchy—

My phone vibrated, and my eyes flew tomy screen.

hang on.

I arched my head forward, so far that my forehead was practically resting onthe table. What the hell did that even mean —

“Aurora? Care to weigh in on thisdebate? Or is whatever is in your lap moreinteresting to you?”

Well, shit.

I blinked away the dryness of my eyes, thesting distracting me enough from thehalf dozen heads that are twisted in my direction.“Umm, absolutely. Dying to weigh in.” Irushed as I slipped my phone away, forcingout a laugh as I pulled my glasses up the bridge of my nose. I squinted my eyes to try and make out my professor's impossible handwriting, before making out the words ‘estate’, ‘deceased’ and ‘wills’.

It felt like a boulder had dropped in mystomach.“Umm, sorry.” I blinked again, andagain. “What are we debating, professor?”

The lady whose name I couldn't rememberturned her back to the room and used her arms to guide me to the board. “Whether or not it should be allowed to change the will of a deceased family member if the will is more than a decade old?”

It felt like time slowed as she said that,and immediately it was too much. Toomany emotions rose to the surface. Too many mentions of wills and deceased family and everything I was trying to ignore.

God, why the hell did I pick this class?

Why was I still here?

I scrubbed my face, taking in three sharpbreaths as quickly as I could, hoping itwould do something, anything for the lump in my throat and the stinging of my eyes.I really hated how my grief wasn’t on aregular schedule. That there was no warning system for when I was about to cry.Sometimes someone would ask me how Iwas and I’d smile and say ‘I’m good’and neither of the words would be a lie. I was genuinely okay. I wasn’t thinking about Dad, or Mom, or how different everything was, and even when I did sit and think, I wouldn’t cry.

Part of me thought maybe I didn’t careabout being on my own as much as Ithought I did. But that wasn’t the case. Clearly. Because my professor said the word ‘will’ and I’m close to pulling an ugly crying face and bolting through those doors.

“Umm,” I managed, those three lettersall voicing in a different key than the last. Almost instinctively, my fingers began to pull at the frayed sleeves of my sweater, the inside of my lip squirming between my teeth as I tried my hardest to swallow that damn lump.“I’m sorry, I’m actually not sure—”

Three knocks sounded out from the doorbefore someone walked in, and it tookme no time at all to recognise the blonde hair that made me blush and the superhero-worthy stance he always seemed to exist in. It was his shoulders I think. Broad as anything.

Finn was here. What the hell was hedoing here?

I watched him as his eyes scanned the room, determination laced between hisbrows, before softening the moment he found me.

Before I could do anything, my professorturned her attention to him. “Sorry, can I help you?”

He let go of my gaze and nodded at her,his hands clasped against his torso inthe most proper way, before clearing his throat. ‘Yes, Professor. I’m ever so sorry to be interrupting what looks like the most exciting class to ever be taught on Liberty’s grounds, but I need Miss Greene to come with me urgently.”

My professor raised her hand to her hip.“And what exactly do you need her for?”

Like the polar opposite of my raging heartbeat, calm as anything, Finnshrugged, his hands unclasping for a moment, before softly saying, “Group project emergency. The rest of us can’t wrap our heads around…” He angled his head to see the projector screen. “Executors rights… versus the state.” My head fell into my hand. “If she doesn’t come with me right now, our entire presentation is doomed, and I’m not emotionally prepared to retake this class.”

I managed to catch the end of her frownbefore she pulled her head back andshook it at him. “There’s no group project for this class.” Her brows screwed up further. “You’re not even in this class.”

Finn tilted his head, feigning deepthought. “Exactly. That’s how bad it is. It’s across-disciplinary disaster. You wouldn’t understand.”

My professor blinked, disbelief maskingher features before looking up towardsme with a pointed glare, then setting her eyes back on Finn. “Is this some kind of joke? If it is then I can assure you sure it’s far from funny.”

Finn shook his head, his smile pulledtight. “Do I look like the kind of personwho would joke about cross-disciplinary disasters?”

Her head was the very picture offrustration as she set her eyes on me, darkerthan they were a second ago if that was possib le. “Miss Greene? Either stay where you are or go with this… thing… and get out of my class.”

That familiar scratch behind my chestdug its claws deeper again.

Leaving waswrong. Leaving would be rude. All this effort of constructing a class for me to just get up and leave because I wasn’t interested wasn’t polite.

It could be that simple. You just have tolet it be.

My eyes drift over to Finn, and like hecould see the raging thoughts pounding inmy head, he simply knocked his head to the side, signalling my escape.

Screw being polite.

I sucked in a breath, locking myshoulders as I stood, almost unconsciously. Igrabbed my bag, gathered my laptop and my water bottle and kept my head down. Eye contact would only make this harder, so the floor it was.

My trembling hands shook against mychest, my things clutched in tight. Ishuffled past a few of my classmates, avoiding their gazes too, before practically running down the steps until I was breezing past Finn, not letting go of my breath until I was out in the sunny hallway.

And suddenly I felt fifty pounds lighter.

Finn’s voice caught my attention as hebegan to leave the room. “Thank you, professor, good luck with the… whatever this class is about.”

Shutting the door with a soft slam, heturned back around to face me, pridebeaming in his smile. And I was finding it hard to pin mine down.

I n arrowed my eyes as I neared him,more playful than ever. “Cross-disciplinarydisaster?”

Finn smirked, shrugging with oneshoulder. “I have no idea. But it got you outof there didn’t it?”

I shook my head, my smile not budgingas the memory of what I’d just done flew through my mind. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“I can’t believe you left.”

Neither could I.

My head fell to the floor, gazing at thetips of both our shoes, before meetinghis glacier-green stare. “Thank you.” My heart pattered. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.’” He nodded his chin atme. “My loyalties to you and helping yoube happy again aren’t just limited to the ice, you know.”

I nodded. “I do now.”

We stayed silent for a second or two,only the fall breeze and the rustling of theleaves to keep us company before Finn asked, “So what are you going to do now you’re free?”

My head knocked to the side. “Free forone afternoon.”

“Well, we might have to make this aweekly occurrence if being out of there isgoing to make you smile like that.”

Hopes, stay grounded. Please. Don’tworship that talk like you did last year.Because look where that got you.

But it was hard to convince myselfthat he wasn’t trying to make up forlast year when he was doing stuff like this. Helping me skate. Checking up on me. Rescuing me from classes he knew for a fact weren't making me happy.

“ We’ll see.” I shuffled on my feet,clutching my slipping laptop tighter. “And Ithink I might head to the rink early before rehearsal for the recital, treat myself to a private with Aspen if she’s free.”

We hadn’t scheduled any more time onthe ice, Finn and I, which made sense. Iwas with Aspen, training with her now. But that didn’t mean that I missed it. Having him there, like a silent safety net. I liked it.And I know I was about to call myself ahypocrite, because this wasn’t keepingmy hopes grounded, this was keeping them at the highest possible altitude where they could still survive. But I was feeling braver with Finn the longer I was around him.

My neck craned up to meet his stare. “But I think even one private might beenough for me to empty the savings thatI’ve got, and if I want to do well next week, I’ll need all the ice time I can get.” I kept my eyes on him as I asked, “Would you want to, maybe, help me rehearse after one of your practices?”

The way I watched all hope drain fromhis eyes made my heart sink, and beforeI knew it I was back in the restaurant, for Goldie’s birthday dinner, subtly leaning over in my chair to ask him out like the idiot I was.

The space between us dulled, like the sunwas too pure for this moment, and instead called on the shadows to orchestrate the mood.His head tipped forward, guilt and shameand every emotion in between filtering his face.

His lips glided open. “You have no idea how much I’d love to, Ror…” His hand scrubbed the back of his neck. “But I can’t. Not this week. It’s the Michigan Spartans game this weekend and coach is on our asses about winning so—”

“No, it’s okay.” I nodded, quicker than Iever had. “You don’t have to explain it.”

He shook his head, taking a step towardsme, the shadows that he naturally castfalling over me, but oddly they felt the same as how I did when I stood under the sunlight. “Actually, I do. Because I don’t want another repeat of last year.” He was so close our fingertips brushed as our hands dangled. But neither of us moved an inch. “I don’t want you to think that this is me pushing you away because it’s not, and I don’t want you to go disappearing on me again.”

My breath caught in the back of mythroat, but before I could so much as blink,his hand rose to the side of my face, his warm fingertips brushing a curl back behind my ear. “Et ca n’a rien à voir avec le fait que j’ai besoin de toi pour réussir mes examens." 1 He took a second to think, his eyes wandering before falling back on me. "J’aime t’avoir à mes c?tés, tout autant que j’aime être à tes c?tés.” 2

I thought my mind was playing tricks onme. There was no way that beautifullyspoken French, beautifully pronounced French, came from that man’ s mouth.

I blinked up at him, seeing nothing but the sheer smugness plastered across his smile. But that smugness was every bit deserved. Because that? God, I wanted to ask him to repeat himself.

“Je suis impressionné.” 3 I had to biteaway my smile.

Finn didn’t, however, his smile wasbrightening the empty hallway so much itfelt like the sun had finally peeked from behind the clouds. “J’ai un très bon tuteur.” 4

I felt it then. What I felt last year when Isaw him for the first time. It was likethe weight of the world fell over me, my heart beating against my chest so fast that I was sure it was louder than the music, sure that everyone could hear how ridiculously taken back I was.

I suppose that weight, the sheer feeling that I was drawn to Finn, was what hadme asking him out. Now, if you ask the girls they’d tell you that it took a lot for me to convince them that I made the first move. Perhaps that was another reason why I sank into myself in the weeks, and months, afterwards.

Being vulnerable and having it thrownback in my face wasn’t something I could handle.

And it was happening again.

The world had its arms perched on myshoulders, pushing down with gentle pressure. But thankfully this time I knew what to do to stop it from pushing me into myself again, and that was to snap out of this silly little love affair I was playing out in my head and realise that Finn Rhodes doesn’t like me the way I like him.

After all, he said it perfectly.

I'm just being honest with a friend.

“Rory?” His voice pulled me back out ofmy head.

“Hmm?” I muttered quickly, meeting hisstare.

“You okay?”

I nodded, hiking up my smile. “Yeah.I’m perfect.”

But the truth was, no matter how much he tried to remind himself that he wanted to see me happy, I couldn’t shake the feeling that when the moment came—when my foot slipped and I started to fall—he wouldn’t be there to catch me. And I knew that fall was inevitable.

Because Finn wasn’t just any crush. He was the kind that settled deep under your skin, the kind you never quite let go of, even when you convinced yourself you had. He was the one you’d look back on years later, maybe when you were happily married, maybe when you had a whole new life, and you’d realise—despite everything—you never truly got over him. He was a memory that refused to fade, the picture you pretend isn't their when you're flicking through the albums, knowing that if you stopped and stared for just a moment, you'd be reminded of what once was… and what could have been had he liked you back.

Just another heartbreak I knew was waiting for me.

1. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I need you to pass my exams.

2. I like having you around, just as much as I like being around you.

3. I'm impressed.

4. I have a very good tutor.