Page 9

CHAPTER 9

OSCAR

T here’s a word in polyamory that is often referred to as the “opposite of jealousy.” Compersion. It describes the positive emotion one feels when seeing their partner happily in love with another person.

I know. It sounds counterintuitive, right? But consider this: our entire lives, we’re predisposed to a very specific way of living. It’s not just a heteronormative culture we live in but also a monogamous-normative culture. Anything outside of those two directives is met with obstacles, pushback, and oftentimes ugliness.

From a young age, we’re literally trained to believe that being with more than one person is supposed to stir up bad feelings. We’re supposed to be jealous if our partner looks at another person or thinks they’re attractive. We expect our partners to suddenly lose all interest in literally every living thing except for us.

But what if you just don’t feel that way? What if it brings you joy to see your partner happy? That’s a novel idea, right? The truth is, monogamous pair-bonding is a relatively modern phenomena, though historians, religious leaders, and governments make it look like the default condition. The truth is, anthropologists studying human relationships say it’s far, far from what was normal in our species’ history.

If you look for actual reports about society and examine the evidence through a lens clear of modern expectations, you’ll find that roughly 85% of all cultures have been polygymous. This includes the cultures that gave rise to Christianity—King Solomon. The very same King Solomon who had a harem of a thousand wives and concubines.

What should we make of this? The people writing our histories want us to see something very specific. Just as those who see historical images of two men together or two women together refer to them as “just roommates” despite them very obviously being depicted as a romantic couple.

Just as with homosexuality, polyamory has always existed in our histories. In our ancient cultures. In the earliest recorded forms of relationships. Ancient Greece had an entire elite army unit of 150 male couples who remained undefeated through several very crucial wars. In Ancient Egypt, the pharaohs had many wives and even ranked them by favorites. All throughout our history, we see ourselves in their writings.

Sometimes, I think about this when I see my husband falling in love with another man. I often wonder what word our ancient ancestors used for compersion. How did they describe the warmth and joy that spread through them at seeing the person they loved most in the world radiate with a happiness so pure that they practically glowed?

“He’s so cute,” Alka says, smiling as he watches the ocean in the distance. “The way he blushes at compliments and kind of fumbles for words. He’s such a nice guy. He has a brother who plays hockey. Well, he used to play hockey. He just retired. Elixon Kipler.” Alka looks at me. “Have you heard of him?”

I shake my head. We’re not a huge sports house. We’re involved in soccer, of course. We watch professional games when we have the opportunity to. But besides the highlights that come on while we’re watching soccer, we don’t see much about other sports.

“The way he talks about Elixon is just the sweetest thing. He really looks up to his brother. From what I can tell, Lix—that’s what Ruby calls him—just dotes on Ruby. I think Ruby hero worships him, and it’s just the sweetest thing. I always wished I had a brother I was close to.”

Alka can’t stop smiling. Honestly, I think he’s even smiling in his sleep. What I love most about Alka being in love is that his happiness just spills over into everything he does, including when he’s with me. Yes, in the beginning, there will be parts of every day when he can’t stop talking about this new partner. He does so because this is his way of sharing the experience with me and keeping me involved.

This usually continues through my first few meetings with his new partner. I can typically tell by the way he’s talking about someone if I’m going to like them or not. Alka has a decent judgment of character, so it’s not usually an issue, but there have been moments when I’ve picked up on some red flags and we’ve had to have different conversations.

I love to view his partners through his eyes, though. It emphasizes what’s important to Alka. What makes this man attractive to him. It’s now been a week since they met, and they’ve spent a little of every day together. I’m not even sure that Alka realizes how much he likes this Ruby.

There’s something different about this one though, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It sounds like he’s younger—mid-twenties, maybe. It doesn’t sound like they talk about anything… What’s the word? Real isn’t quite right, but maybe identifying. Like, Alka’s never mentioned what he does for a living. Where he lives. Or even his age.

Yet maybe it’s that lack of identifying factors that’s allowing them to build something deeper. Intimate. There’s just something about the way Alka talks about him that makes my heart excited .

I lean in closer and grip the back of his neck, so I can bring his mouth to mine. His words immediately stop. For a second, he remains a little startled, but then he relaxes into me. When I let his lips part mine, he says, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to talk about him so much.”

“Don’t be.” I kiss him again, and Alka sighs. “I love seeing you smitten. It’s my favorite form of Alka.”

He laughs, but his cheeks are flushed. He stares into my eyes as his smile slowly fades. “I’m a little afraid,” he says quietly.

I brush his cheek with my hand not holding him close. “Why, love?”

“I like him,” he says.

“I didn’t pick up on that.”

Alka rolls his eyes and bows his head a little. “I’m just…” He chews his lip for a minute. “You’re right, you know. I had definitely given up.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I was just…” He shakes his head and, after a moment, starts over. “I’m afraid that I’m so desperate for the life I’ve always known was mine that I’m projecting the kind of person I’m waiting for onto Ruby. What if he’s a serial killer in sheep’s clothing, but all I see is a demigod sent to Earth just for me?”

“Part of the reason I love listening to you talk about him is because I pick up on things that you might be overlooking. Just as I have in the past.”

He sighs. Alka shifts forward and rests his forehead on my shoulder. “You have pointed out some huge red flags before that I was absolutely too blinded by a pretty smile to see myself.”

“You love love,” I tell him. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Don’t let me fall for someone who’s bad for me,” he murmurs. “Don’t let me fall for someone who’s not right.”

“I won’t,” I promise.

“He feels right, but then, it’s only been a week, so I know that I’m perpetuating what I want to happen right now. That’s not the word I want, but whatever.”

I smile and run my fingers through the hair at the base of his skull. Alka shifts closer still until he’s between my legs and curled against me.

“Thanks for always supporting me.”

“I will always support you,” I assure him. “I want you to be in love. I want the family you want. I’m excited for it. Ruby sounds great, Alka. He truly does.”

He nods with short, subtle bobs of his head. “He does. Does that mean he’s too good to be true, though?”

“No. What it means is that there are already some built-in obstacles because you’ve met him here. It’s serendipitous that he’s also staying for the summer and he’s here alone. That he randomly walked in front of our bungalow and stopped in a way that made you concerned enough to make sure he’s okay. You have some interesting things in common with him, as you relayed about your first conversation on the beach that evening. I think the fact that you met without any expectations is what makes this so different. I think because you commiserated about some hard truths together right away, you had some common ground to build on.”

“But the summer will end,” Alka says. “Then what?”

“I think we have just over a month before we need to truly think about that. There are two options, right? You have this month to continue to get to know each other and build on these feelings blossoming between you two. At the end of the month, you’re going to know whether you want to continue to explore this relationship or not. If so, there’s the challenge we already anticipate, right? Long distance. If not…” I don’t need to finish the scenario. It goes without saying. If it’s just a summer fling, then it will remain here on Kala.

I’m not inclined to believe the latter “if” though. I’ve seen Alka’s flings. They begin hot and heavy and fizzle out quite quickly. He’s not much for sex outside of relationships. That’s how I know when someone will be a fling versus when he’s more serious about someone. From Alka’s recap of his time with Ruby, there’s been nothing but sweet, parting kisses and the occasional hand holding.

This is the pace Alka moves when he’s serious about someone. His heart calls the shots, not his dick, though it’s not a conscious choice. He’s never aware that his pace with different people is a tell for how he feels about them. Honestly, I’m surprised that he kissed Ruby at the end of their first meeting. If it hadn’t been for his tone, I’d have written this one off too.

The building of our own relationship was like molasses. It was the ultimate edging experience for a very long time, but I don’t regret it at all. I have the love of my life, the person I love more than anything in this entire world, and I’d wait an eternity for him.

“Okay, let’s talk about something else. I didn’t mean to dominate this evening with talk of another man,” Alka says.

“I love to hear you talk about who you’re seeing,” I assure him. “It lets me get to know him before you’re ready to introduce him, and I love that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he says, kissing my neck. “But I feel a little guilty for doing it, so let’s just talk about something else.”

“Okay. What do you have in mind?”

“Our house. I’ve been thinking about growing our family since our conversation, and I don’t think our house is going to work.”

I’m a little surprised he’s bringing this up. I would have thought he’d put the baby thing on hold until he sees where this is going with Ruby.

“Okay,” I say. “How not?”

“For starters, it’s a three bedroom. We’ve always talked about having two or three kids, right?” I nod. “That means we’re short one room at minimum, and we like to have a guest room for our families’ visits so we’re limited to one kid right now. And… if … someone joins us, I also think our bedroom suite is a little small for three people.”

He really has been thinking about this. I smile. “Okay, so we find a five-bedroom house. Or do you want to start where we are and find something bigger as we begin to grow out of our space?”

“Actually, I want our kids to have a home that they always know is home. One where all their childhood memories take place. So I think we should find a home before we start having kids. Maybe a five bedroom with an unfinished basement. Something with a spacious backyard and a second building that you can turn into a studio.”

“Without a pool,” I say.

Alka shakes his head. “I think it’s important that we have a pool and teach our kids to swim as early as possible. Teach them pool and water safety. The number of kids that drown each year is terrifying, and we can mitigate that by teaching them to swim early on.”

“Okay, that’s a little scary, but we can do that.” I think about the other part of this. The second building. “You think it’s a good idea that I have a studio at our house?”

“That depends on you and your comfort,” Alka says. He adjusts in my hold, so he can look into my eyes. My hand slides down his thigh as I bring him closer to me. “This clearly still bothers you, huh?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking it. I guess… It’s probably going to be one of those things where until I hear the words ‘your baby is on the way’ in whatever form that comes, I’m not going to know how I really feel about it. Imagining it is one thing. I think when I’m faced with the reality of bringing our child into our lives, I might think differently.”

“What are you feeling about it right now?”

“I think that I need to diversify my income,” I say. “I’m still not sure if this is coming from outside pressure, but I don’t know that I feel good about continuing my current profession while raising kids. I keep wondering how it’s going to affect them as they get older.”

“You understand that it’s out there on the internet forever, right? Eventually , someone will point out that their father created porn. I don’t think hiding it from them is going to be smart at all.”

“No, I know that. But don’t you think it’s… better to keep it in the past? You know, a sowing-wild-oats-in-my-youth kind of deal or something?”

“No. I think it’s hot that you’re pushing forty and your dick is as coveted as it is,” Alka says with a smirk.

“Do you?” I ask, sliding my hand further up his thigh and under his shorts to rub him. “You think that’s hot, huh?”

“Super sexy,” he says, nodding. “I also think if you’re proud of it and make sure our kids understand why you’re proud, then they will grow up understanding that there’s nothing shameful about sex.”

I sigh and lean my head back, closing my eyes while I rub my husband’s generous dick, encouraging it to harden for me. “I’m going to need some parenting books to begin studying.”

Laughing, Alka moves in my lap so his back is against my chest, allowing him to spread his legs for me. “I want to raise our kids to have an open mind. To take the time to do some research and form their own opinions. But in that, I don’t want them to look at anything as gross or shameful or fucking sinful just because it’s not ‘what everyone’s doing.’ Even then, I keep thinking, what if they form their own opinion and think that anyway?”

“The best we can do is give them the tools to think for themselves, love. Teach them to think and learn and ask questions. But for right now, I think I’m going to play with your dick for the next hour until our food arrives. ”

Alka groans.

I grin. Time to make sure my edging skills are up to par. I tend to let them slacken because I love to see my husband orgasm. I’m just going to have to practice a little more so my skills remain sharp.